Heaven's Got A Brand New Angel

If you've been a long time reader, you will join me in my pain as I tell you that my little girl, Tracy, has passed on yesterday.

She had been flailing for a while. She had cancer, arthritis, pneumonia, failing liver and kidneys, the likes. She was 13 years old.

I had actually made the decision to let her go when I was at the vet's the day before.

But when I woke up yesterday morning, I thought to myself - I shouldn't be the one to decide when she goes. She should be the one deciding.

She wasn't eating or drinking anymore, so we had to put her on a drip to get some nutrients into her body. We were at the vets yesterday for the drip. We waited outside while they attended to the myriad of sick animals brought in.

Right before our turn, I was cradling Tracy like a baby, and she peed on me. I put her down and the boyfriend helped me to clean up. Then I let her sleep on the floor on the blanket.

There were people walking around, so I carried her up to the bench to let her sleep. I had my hand on her. Then I realised that her breathing was laboured and that she wasn't breathing as much. Just then, our name was called and we carried her gingerly into the surgery room.

I told the attendant that she wasn't breathing and he checked her heart rate. When he couldn't find one, another vet came in to check. She then asked if we wanted to resuscitate her.

I looked at Tracy, terrified that I would make the wrong decision. With a heavy heart, I shook my head.

I watched her slowly and peacefully slip away, right in front of my very eyes.

Sobs wrecked my body, but still I tried to hold it in. It was hard. Too hard.

I kissed her repeatedly and said goodbye. I said I loved her very, very much. And I said I'm sorry.

She looked just like she was sleeping. She turned cold. Then she left.

There goes the most beautiful soul on Earth I have ever known. She was brave to the end, even wageed her tail when we picked her up to go to the vet.

There goes my little girl, my baby.

In a sense I was relieved. She wouldn't be suffering any more. But as any grief-stricken dog owner who has lost a beloved friend would tell you, sorrow overtakes everything else.

She has been my very best friend throughout my life, and all I could give her was a normal life. I couldn't give her the best, or an exceptional life, in return for all she's done for me.

Goodbye my baby. Wherever you go, please remember that mummy loves you very, very much. Take care of yourself, have fun playing in the open fields in the sun with all the other dogs who have gone there, don't fall off the rainbow bridge and mummy will come and find you when her time is up too, ok? Remember to make friends and eat many many treats and mess up many many towels and blankets and laze all day in the sun.






























































"You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

My Baby

Today I found out that the most beautiful little girl in the world, my little CKCS Tracy, has cancer.

I'd known for a while that she had cancer. What with the diminishing weight, the loss of appetite and the fast growing tumor on her neck. It was inevitable. It was just that my colleague today had a scare with her dog, and I decided to rush my own to visit the vet.

The vet confirmed that the lump on her neck was cancer. It was the dirtiest word anyone could ever mutter. It sounded like a death sentence more than anything else. With his confirmation, it felt like a boulder had just crashed into my chest and broke all my ribs.

I was bleeding inside.

I stood outside the clinic and stifled my whimpers while waiting for her medication. I cried in the car all the way back, bawling uncontrollably at the traffic lights. Tears marred my vision and I couldn't stop shaking. It's a wonder how I got home in one piece.

She was already on heart and liver medication. I was already having to spoon feed her wet food every night in an attempt to get her weight up. Nothing is working.

She's slowly slipping out of my grasp.

My Tracy is now 13 years old. She has been with me for 11 wonderful years. She stuck by my darkest hours through my adolescence. She laid on my stomach to give me warmth when I was having the worst gastric episodes. We sat side by side on quiet evenings. She slept with her head on my pillow, or under the covers with me on cold nights. She followed me wherever I went, even if it was to the toilet.

And I've cried countless tears into her fur.

She is the best and most loyal dog I have ever had the pleasure of caring for and loving. I regret that I was not the best of owners to her, because there's so much more that I could've done and so much more I could've given her. I wasn't able to provide the best quality of life for her. She was abused before she came to me and now she still has to suffer.

And for that, I hate myself.

Tracy baby.. Mama loves you very much. So very, very much. And I will do all I can to make sure that you're not feeling uncomfortable for however long we have left. Mama will spend as much time as she possibly can with you.

I know it may be selfish to ask this of you, but stay with Mama, for now. Stay a while longer. Give mama a chance to love you, a little while longer.

I love you.

In A Flash

The school holidays are passing in a blur of children, outings and tuition classes. JCC's been busier than usual, what with the kids here for half the day (literally half of the day - 12 hours) and the preparing for next year's intake and the organizing the outings on top of the cooking daily. There was even a period of 2 weeks where my staff was on leave and I had to run JCC on my own from opening to closing (again, it's 12 hours).

Whoever the hell who is not a business owner trying to run a business by themselves, and who says their job is to bao sua bao hai (cover mountain cover sea) (a hokkien term for having to do everything) can go fuck themselves. 

Weather's been unpredictable, but so far on all our outings it's been good luck so far. Let's hope the skies will clear up later on today and let us maintain our lucky streak. 

We're going to the Kids' Kampong today! Apparently there's longkang fishing (squatting next to a small drain with a small net and a bucket to catch the fishes inside) and animal feeding. My friend Tommy's going too, and his kids are going in at my expense. I'm actually more than happy to pay for them, but apparently I need to pay for the maid's entry too. Bummer. 

Makes one wonder exactly how many families cannot handle their own children and needs the maid to follow them everywhere. 

Aaaaanyway, I watched The Hobbit with the boyfriend yesterday. Movie was supposed to be good, but the Cathay cinema at Causeway Point kind of ruined the show for us. The show kept stopping halfway through, dragging us out of the story with some crappy techno playing to a blank screen while we groaned and cursed, and then forcing us back in a little ways on so that we either forgot what was going on in the show or couldn't catch what was said for that few lost seconds. Also, the colour tone shifted between reddish and blueish while Gandalf was having a meeting with Elrond and Galadriel. I was so turned off with the colour tone changing every few seconds that I didn't catch anything they said at all. Also, no reparations were offered.

Avoid Cathay cinemas at Causeway Point people, it will ruin the experience of a good movie. They are el sucko. 

Christmas Is Coming

Random squawk: Pardon the elementary language, I haven't written for very long and it seems I have lost my touch. Imma try to write as much as possible to get that magic back.


So my staff went on a long leave (11 days, to be exact), and I am stuck with covering for her during the school holidays, on top of my own duties in the morning. Which means I am working from 7am to 7pm daily until she comes back.

I am so sleepy!

Planned all sorts of activities and stuff for the December school holidays. Wonder if it's all worth it. But then again, this month is the first month that JCC's turned a profit since it opened its doors in April this year. Got lots of new sign-ups this month, thanks to my tireless efforts in stalking parents outside the schools when they went for their P1 orientation.

Since JCC opened, I think I've changed very much as a person. Skiving is a thing of the past now. I am laden with so much responsibilities and an endless to-do list, I am permenantly wound up and hardly get any sleep. If you think you have it bad now, with a boss hanging over your head, try being a boss yourself. It's bad when your boss berates you, but it's much worse when you have to berate yourself.

But yeah, felt satisfied when I saw the numbers going up on the monthly report this month. Woohoo~!


So the boyfriend took me out to the beach yesterday, and we brought a red pail and a big net. I was expecting a couple of baby half beak fishes at the most, but what we got was a lot more.

We got a few different species of small crabs from the beach itself, a snail which I thought was a plastic trinket at first because of the bright colours, 3 gobys (one of which is a cannibal and I have to remember to remove it later when I get home), 2 hermit crabs (one of which was supposed to be an empty shell for the first hermit crab to change into, but ended up having another hermit crab inside), and a handful of tiny little scats, which in hokkien is called "kim kor".

The boyfriend picked up and showed me the sand dollar, which I've never noticed before. I didn't even knew they existed! He showed me how to find the sand dollars, and after I learned how to, I couldn't stop seeing them all over the beach. Those little bitches were everywhere!

I indulged in a little childish habit of mine, which was to pick up seashells. The boyfriend was cool enough to join in my silly antics and allowed me to bring the shells I picked home. I brought 2 home, both equally impressive. One was white, conical and enlongated with ridges lining the sides, and the other was smooth, round and sparkly clean.  The boyfriend himself brought back a lower jawbone of a barracuda, and two rocks with seaweed growing out of them.

We put them all into a small marine tank and the end result was nicer than we originally thought it would be. We have a tiny ecosystem going on in there, inclusive of fish, crustaceans, a mollusc, sand, rocks and seaweed. It was so much nicer than if we went to a shop and bought the stuff. Granted, most of the animals in there are not sold in shops (because they're "not nice" enough to have people pay money for them), but what we have was something more special.

What we have is the reminder of a day out in the sun, at the beach, with a pail in one hand and a net in the other, acting like small kids and getting excited over tiny fish. Not to mention a little piece of the beach in my house.

It was a romantic day :)

Updates

So the adorable new guy told me that he wanted our monthly "nice meal" to be on the 18th of this month, and that it should be a really nice dinner.

Was wondering why of all months, he chose this one to set a specific date. Then it hit me - 18th Nov was our half-anniversary! Our first tiny milestone!

For those of you thick in the skull, it's been officially 6 months since we've been together. And it's adorable that he remembered.

Aaaaanyway, work's great, life's great, nothing to complain about.

Since my hiatus, I :

- changed a boyfriend
- opened my own student care centre
- made some new friends, formed a group called 'G6' (long story)
- been thoroughly enjoying life

Work's been stressful as hell, but then again, work always is, but in this case because I'm working for myself, I'm the hard-pressed boss who yells at myself all the time when I make a mistake.

But you get the picture.

G6 is fun, although our Alpha was the first to disappear. Then we have Bravo, and Charlie (that's me), and Delta, and Echo (who is dating Delta), and Foxtrot. 6 people in total, thus, G6. Because, "like a G6, like a G6".

Til next time, au revoir!

We're Going To The Zoo!

.... Tomorrow.

So excited!

Clinton and I. Just us. :)

Memories

Memories are such bittersweet things.

You relish them, and yet when you relive them you get that twisty sniffle in your nasal passage, that sour feeling, almost as if you were going to cry.

And you're perilously close to. You scrunch up your face, hoping that the tears won't come.

They don't. They never come. So you're stuck with that anticlimatic feeling, like an unfulfilled orgasm, for the rest of the night.


I got around to watching old movies from my childhood recently. They're awesome, and they bring back lots of sweet memories. There is a love-hate relationship with sweet memories; you love them because they're sweet, but you hate them because they're gone.

I watched The Secret Garden the other day. It was one of my mother's favourite shows. I get the feeling that it still is. She even made up stories about the main characters, what happened to them after the movies. My mom once told me that when she grows old, she'd like her own little secret garden. I'm working towards that.

Was watching Hook today. It took me back to a time when I still believed in faries and toys that magically wake up to play when you're sleeping. I think I read too many Enid Blyton books then.

Memories took me back to when everything was fun, and innocent, and carefree. But what marrs the sweetness was that it also took me back to a time when mom and dad were young and carefree too. Dad still had a full head of black hair, and mom was carefree enough to always be planning and plotting new adventures for the weekend.

What happened?

Did we all lose focus on what's important, or did we all just grew up?

Will we all get so complacent that we forget that one day, people will leave and worlds will come crashing down?

Cliche as it may sounds, treasure the people around you, the people who love you. Build even more bittersweet memories, take lots of pictures to help.

You never know when they may come in handy.

Are You All Gone?

Am I still being monitered?


Can I come back now?


Then again, fuck cares because the people who used to moniter my blog and run crying to their support group when they get shot at are no longer here, are they?

Yes. This is who I've become.

Deal with it.

That's It.


... We broke up.

Millions of thoughts running through my head.






Did I do the right thing?

Little Girl In The Mirror


Little girl, oh my little girl.

By now you should've learned to be wise.

Never let your walls come down completely.

Never believe in just words.

Believe in a kind heart.

Be brave, little girl.

I'm rooting for you.

Thinking About It


I have been thinking about my life and my relationship with Lazy.

I realized that throughout all those cumulative years, I've somehow molded myself into half of a person and forgotten how to be myself.

Was talking to my sister the other day, and we came to the realization that in order for me to be truly happy, I need to find myself. I need to be comfortable doing things that I want to do alone.

I can not keep waiting for him to do things with me, because then it'll never get done. I also can't mope around the house waiting for him for hours on end when he attends stuff that he can't bring me.

In that sense, I also can not only wait for him to go do stuff without me before I can do my own stuff. Because by then, I'll be at a loss when he goes and end up moping around the house for hours on end again.

I also need to learn to ignore his 'not-happy' look. Because everytime I want to go do my own things, he gives that look and I'll feel so guilty that in the end, I won't go. I resent that.

So, for a start, I guess I'm just going to have to talk to him about giving me the time to find out who I am and what I really want to do. Even if its just small stuff like playing basketball or meeting friends.

*cringes*

Lapdancing/Striptease Classes





Freaking painful!


I have bruises and aches in places I didn't even knew existed.


On the up side, because it was an all-ladies' studio, we were free to walk around in sports bras and hot short shorts.

First lesson alone was torturous. I don't know why I signed up for 7 more classes, but I did.


We did sexy walking, touching, basic movements, and floorwork. Oh god the floorwork. Technically the sexiest part of all, but also can easily turn gross with wrong expressions and movements.


The floorwork was also the killer for me, and probably the entire room full of girls. You can hear groans and muffled yelps, and the occasional thump of a girl whose arms gave out and who fell the the floor in a painful heap.


I'm still very much sore today, but it comes with an odd sense of accomplishment.


Onwards we GOOOOOOO!!!!!

New Friends

Random Squawk: I notice that my recent posts all seem a little "me" centric lately. Please bear with this while I fine tune them out.


I like meeting new people and interacting with them on a personal level.

You know, when you meet new people in a group, you never seem to be able to get to know the real them until eons later (if you're still in contact) or never, whichever comes later.

I like to be able to converse with people on an intellectual level (which rules out stupid people) and get to know the real them. What they like, what they don't like.

You can actually tell a lot about a person by first interaction alone with them, even more so while playing games of any kind. But since a lot of first meetings don't come with a pack or cards or board games, that's ruled out.

I find that the happiest people are those who are contented with what they have, but also with a drive to excel and succeed with what they're doing. Those are the kind of people who are the most pleasant to be around.

There are those laden with problems too. The trick is to see past that and look at how they deal with those problems.

Of course, I don't scrutinise everyone I come into contact with, and I don't judge them, so you can relax. I simply let the feelings come as and when they do.

I do, however, scrutinise how I come across to people. I keep a chokehold on myself, my actions and my words, so as not to present the worst side of me. (Blogging is different, I'm probably never going to meet you anyway, so I can show you that as much as I want. So there. )

After all, isn't this what everyone secretly does on some level?


To my new friends who are probably never going to read this (because I took out the link from my Facebook page) - I do hope you guys stay around.


Friendship bears no grudges. Friendship goes through thick and thin. And the ones who leave, probably aren't worth being friends with anyway.


I'm morbid as hell, and my dirty jokes and puns are non-stop. If you're uncomfortable with that, leave now.


For the rest of you...


I'd like to be your friend :)

Feel


Feel what you're feeling now.

Embrace it.

Now tell me. What is it exactly you are feeling? What is it called? Where does it come from? How did it get wedged so deep in there that you had to pull it out of you to examine it?

I ask myself these questions every day.

Right now, I'm feeling..... nothing.

I can't cross-examine myself because I don't have anything to cross-examine in the first place.

Am I turning into a monster?

I need to get back in touch with my inner-self.

你听到了吗







......................... 心碎的声音

Emptiness


There will always be an emptiness inside of you. Inside of all of us.

This blog is a very good example. For the years upon years that I've blogged, and the miniscule amounts that have affected you, my dear reader, it ultimately boils down to this - nothing.

When you read back at past achievements, past failures, past ups and past downs, you see only stories. So do I. I don't feel what I felt when I wrote those words so many years ago. I, like you my dear reader, have grown up and out of what I thought was an empty shell. We've all grown up together, pulled through joys and sorrows.

I thought that if I fulfilled my dreams, I will no longer be empty. I thought that if I took what I felt was the correct path to happiness, I will no longer be empty. I thought that simply by trying to live the perfect life, I will no longer be empty. I was wrong.

I got what I always wanted - a man who loves and values me more than his own life. A dream bike - the Suzuki GSXR 750. A dream house near to my mother's. Two perfect dogs. A whole bunch of friends that I have a love-hate relationship with.

And yet...

I still feel the emptiness inside.

I am sometimes envious of the young girl inside of me, who used to laugh and brood over the smallest of matters. The young girl who would be affected emotionally over almost every single thing that happens to her. I can no longer feel joy. I can no longer feel sorrow. I can no longer be bothered with anger. It just feels like there's a black hole inside of me, swallowing up every emotion before I have a chance to process or feel it.

I give myself every opportunity to relive what it feels like to have feelings again, but it all comes around to bite me in the ass. If I have the free rein to explore those feelings, maybe I wouldn't be so empty inside.

I recently met an old, old friend. You know, sometimes when you meet old friends whom you've not met for awhile, your actions and mentality will go back to that age at which you hung out with that friend? Well I met this friend when I was in primary school, and then again at age 18 for awhile.

He arouse a mirage of feelings inside of me, most of which are directed at my own self. Because of his appearance, I started questioning my own self worth. I started questioning who I've become. I've started questioning the choices I've made. And I realised that.... I'm miserable.

I don't have people I can rely on to talk about my feelings, other than my boyfriend, who is usually the catalyst of my moods so I can't really tell him everything. I have 2 people I can talk to, but not rely on, and it's not their fault because they have their own lives too. I have a whole bunch of friends in my clique (well actually there are 6 of us), none of which I can pour my heart out to.

And I can only stare helplessly, as I watch my life spiral deeper and deeper down this vortex, probably never to return.

Help me.

A Snippet




"Do you know where the idea of a labyrinth first came from?"

I Shake my head.

"It was the ancient Mesopotamians. They pulled out animal intestines - sometimes human intestines, I expect - and used the shapes to predict the future. They admired the complex shapes of intestines. So the prototype for intestines in, in a word, guts. Which means that the principle for the labyrinth is inside you. And that correlates to the labyrinth outside."

"Another metaphor," I say.

"That's right. A reciprocal metaphor. Things outside you are projections of what's inside you, and what's inside you is a projection of what's outside. So when you step into a labyrinth outside you, at the same time you're stepping into the labyrinth inside. Most definitely a risky business."

"Like Hansel and Gretel."

"Right, just like them. The forest has set a trap, and no matter what you do, no matter how careful you are, some sharp-eyed birds are going to eat up all your breadcrumbs."

24









.............. I'm here.


Where are you?


..... Where are you?

A Snippet





"... Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender the kind...
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."

- Edna St. Vincent Millary

I Almost Cried When I Read This





When Anna Kozlov caught sight of the elderly man clambering out of a car in her home village of Borovlyanka in Siberia, she stopped dead in her tracks, convinced her eyes were playing tricks.

There, in front of her, was Boris, the man she had fallen in love with and married 60 years earlier. The last time she had seen him was three days after their wedding, when she kissed him goodbye and sent him off to rejoin his Red Army unit.


By the time he returned, Anna was gone, consigned by Stalin’s purges to internal exile in Siberia with the rest of her family as an enemy of the people. They left no forwarding address.

Frantic, Boris tried everything he could to find his young bride, but it was no good. She was gone.

Now, more than half a century later, they were reunited, an extraordinary coincidence leading them both to return to their home village on the very same day.

“I thought my eyes were playing games with me,” Anna said. “I saw this familiar looking man approaching me, his eyes gazing at me. My heart jumped. I knew it was him. I was crying with joy.”

Now 80 years old, Boris had returned to visit his parents’ grave. As he stepped out of the car, he looked up to see Anna standing by her old house, where they had lived for the few days after the wedding.

“I ran up to her and said: 'My darling, I’ve been waiting for you for so long. My wife, my life...’”