Pressurizing is good for you. Or so my mother thinks.

I’m back with baby again. Is that a mistake? He seemed so sincere in all his apologies and promises. And he really did change a lot for me. I can really feel the love whenever I’m with him.

But is it still a mistake? Because whenever I try to leave him he’ll do lots of stupid things and maybe even hurt himself. Or me.

My family members including godmother and grandmother knows about this.

If ah Yang korkor was here… he’d beat the shit out of baby

A lot of my friends say that he’s the most dangerous type of boyfriend. And everyone says that once he hits you, he’ll always hit you

Mom’s not happy about this. She’s pressurizing me into breaking up with baby.

I only want her to be happy. The reason that I’m still living is her. I did try to commit suicide before but thoughts of her crying at my coffin surfaced in my mind, and I put the knife down. Is it a mistake too, putting down that knife that time?

I only want to see you happy. But why is it that every time I try to do something to please you, you are never satisfied? Why is it that although I think for you every single time, worry for you, do everything for you, you are never satisfied? Why is it that you have to use such harsh words when I do something wrong although you know that they hurt me more than anything in the world? Why is it that I can’t live my own life and be happy?

I do try to keep up the good daughter image in your eyes. But you always tell others that you have monsters in your house. You speak as if I’m that kind of selfish girl who only thinks of herself, and spends your money without thought.

I have gone for days without meals just to avoid taking money from you because I know that you have bills to pay. I have been worried about money all this time, that’s why I continued working even though I was crying because of stress everyday. And when I finally did resign, I didn’t expect you to tell me that it was lucky that I wasn’t raising a family on my own, or I couldn’t quit so easily.

I just want so much for you to be happy.

I know you worry for me, and want to protect me from everything you deem harmful. But if you don’t let me try it on my own, how will I learn to stay away from it? Even if I did get hurt, at least I’ll learn a meaningful lesson. And, I am not a child anymore. I know how hideous the world is. I know how to stay out of trouble.

The world is meaningless when you are not happy. My relationship doesn’t mean much to me, I was pressurized into it. Now I’m pressurized into staying in it even though I do not want to. It will end sooner or later.

I know that I’m stupid too. I can’t get past this hurdle in education. But I really do try, although sometimes mom doesn’t see it.

I know dying isn’t a solution and I know it’s not going to solve anything. But I know one thing for sure: all this hurt and pain and voices in my head will stop.

It will all stop.

It doesn’t matter to me if I die, because life is meaningless to me. I’m only still here because I don’t want to hurt those who love me. I don’t want to see them cry at my coffin.

Please, please stop pressurizing me.. the voices in my head are already telling me to pick up that knife.. to pick up that knife…

Time to wipe those tears and put on a big smiley face for the world again.