The world is still.. too still..

I know I am going to regret saying this sooner or later, but I wish I could just die now.

My mother hates me. She hates me to the core she'd wished that I'd just die. She said it herself, the sooner I die, the better it would be for her.

You know. I grew up with that phrase in my head.

From her words, it is deduced that she's dying for me to be a prostitute. She can't wait to sell me out of the house so that she doesn't have to look at my face anymore.

I know that she's sacrificed a lot for my during my childhood years. I also know that I haven't been intentionally hurting her ever since I came back from being a rebellious teenager. And because I am aware of all that she's done for me in the past, I try to give way everytime we argue (which was rarely). I try to stand in her shoes and think about points from her side. But does she even think for me anymore?

You know that I hate people who don't like or abuses animals. I'm starting to hate my own mother. Cash is just an innocent baby, and yet has had things thrown at it TWICE. The first time was Cash's first day home.

Imagine this. You're in a strange place with strange noises and strange people keep walking around you and you don't know anything at all. Suddenly a huge monster comes out of nowhere and starts hitting your cage. You can't escape, and suddenly the cage goes toppling down.

Wouldn't you be scared out of your wits? And to have that happen twice with the same monster, wouldn't you hate that monster?

All throughout my childhood to adolescence, she has always thought of ways to deprive me. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. I might as well be a prostitute and die. The sooner I die, the better.

I was playing basketball, a relatively cheap (read: free) sport that doesn't cost much (as opposed to my friends addicted to gaming), and all I ask of her is to leave me alone with my basketball. But no, she had A LOT of comments, and forbade me to go out to play often. One of the reasons being that basketball made me look fierce.

As any normal just-teenager would be, I was addicted to my phone. It had to be with me all the time. Why, what do you know, she smashed three of my phones and blamed everything on me.

I know that I am not easy to upkeep, but I have already tried to be the best daughter I know how. I really try hard, but nothing is good enough for her. She goes around complaining and telling others that she has a good-for-nothing worthless little whore in her house.

She complains that I spend too much money. Look at me! Look how "new" my clothes are! I get new clothes only every new year, is that too much for her? Look how "expensive" my cosmetics are! I get them free from my cousin. Look what expensive tastes I have! I have been skipping meals just not to take money from her.

The only thing I spend money the most on are my pets, and she complains about this as well. That is MY money, that which she has given me, and I choose where I want to spend it. If she doesn't like the way I spend it, well, I've always volunteered to work.

She doesn't want me to work.

Yet another thing. She complains that I laze around the house too much. And now that I've found work, she complains that it would take me away from my studies. What does she want me to do? Shall I jump out of the window in front of your very eyes, mam?

I know that my pay from creative is going to be measly compared to hers, but does she really have to scorn? I said that I wanted to bring her to Din Tai Fung restaurant, and she scorned at my pay being too little to bring her out. As with my sister.

She reasons away her everything, justifying everything that she'd done. Always excuses for everything. She believes that she's always right.

I go out frequently with a specific guy, she says that I'm dying to get fucked. I oversleep and missed school, she says that I'm dying to be a whore. Is there any connection?

After getting herself so worked up without my help (I just sat there silently while she berated me) today, she immediately called up everyone and complained about just what a whore I was being. She says that she doesn't complain much, but what is this? I have no one to go to except my blog. I can't relate my problems to anyone. Who's the one feeling more alone here?

Newest Update: In accordance to my mother dying to get me out of the house, she has now decided to send me over to live with my god-mother. Does she really hate me so much that she doesn't want to see my face?

My animals go with me.

Everything is my fault, everything is blamed on me. I use too much electricity, I magically make money disappear, even what that bastard Zeo had done is blamed on me.

He came last night demanding for his stuff. As if I wanted his stuff so much that I wanted to keep them for myself. I've had his stuff packed a long long time ago, it was just HIM who did not want his stuff back. Now he acts like I swallowed his stuff?

The money too. I've thrown the money at him already, I've asked Melvin to help me pass it to him, but he just doesn't want it. Now he blames me for him going broke?

Who's the one who brought Cash home without warning, therefore landing me in debt? So everything is my fault? He claims that I shouldn't dislike him disturbing and stalking me because I'm disturbing him 24/7.

In his mind.

As if that is my fault. He really IS sick. Now he acts like I owe him everything and still want him back.

*Pui!*

He claims that my heartlessness made him heartless too. I wished he'd become heartless a lot earlier, so that I didn't have to go through all that shit he gave me.

Life is just fulla shit.