Gawd I feel like such an idiot now..

Just remembered that Kenny posted something about blogging in his friendster blog a few days ago and it didn't make much sense. I got curious today about it not making sense, so I checked back with his blogspot blog. He did make some updates, and I don't have much to say about how I feel about them but that I'm all numb inside.

Numb again. That's the closest I can get to not tearing my hair out. It's my protection against all rain and sleet. Every time it hurts I envision liquid metal spreading all over my heart, slowly hardening, tight to the point where my heart could not beat, to the point where nothing can get to it. As an extra precaution, I build high blocks of wall all around my heart, so that nothing touches even the metal. That's when I lock out the rest of the world. That's when I am safe.

Anyway, he talks of a surprise that I am planning for him. Does he really know? Is there really a back-stabber in my group? I thought it weird when one of them gave me a sheepish look when I said I wanted to maintain the secrecy, and told me that it makes no difference whether its a surprise or not.

Look, dude, I have worked my ass off to maintain this secrecy, I have tortured my mentality just to keep it, I don't like keeping secrets, and you had to go spoil everything I built up? Looks like I'm doing all this for nothing. I might as well collect money from all of you in front of him. as opposed to what I'm doing now. Like a bloody rat. You could've at least told me so that I could've had a better time organising the thing. I wouldn't have to go through that depressed feeling everyday then.

I feel like such a bloody idiot now. Gleefully thinking that he doesn't know but in fact has known it all along. Bah bloody humbug.

I'm not working for you honey, I've already got everything planned and quartered out, I'm only working because I don't like having empty pockets. And I'm "chionging" the work this week because I figured that I'd be spending more next month. And since I've skipped twice of my weekly alcohol intake, I think I'm going to make up for it this week.

Word of advice to all contacts. I do not like monosyllables like "hhmmm" and "ok". By "ok" I meant via sms. If I tell you something and you agree with it and intend to reply with a single "ok", skip it. I'd rather you not reply than with a single meaningless "ok". My messages are important to me; when I receive one and feel happy about it, and open it to find a single monosyllable, it's frustrating.

Maybe if I stopped caring so much this pain would stop. Maybe if I started thinking like those bimbos that people stereotype me with, I wouldn't even feel this pain. But nah, I don't want to go all brainless.

Thought of the day: Miscommunication causes misunderstanding, do you know that? By putting ambiguous nicks in your msn, you could cause a lot of tension.

Alarm is ringing. I gotta go work. Come drink with me.