I had so much to say, so much to blog about and I was going to make this post a really long one, but somehow I just forgot what it was that I wanted to blog about.

Anyway, the plans for the chalet are looking up with the inclusion of my sister and mother into the planning for BBQ. My sister and me are planning the food and the stuff to buy, and my mother's helping us with her famous marinated meats and seafood.

Mom's an ultra good cook. And I'm not saying this because I'm her daughter, everybody I know who'd tasted her cooking loves it.

Things are getting even better between me and Kenny since I let slip about the chalet thing. He's been paying more attention and loving me better. I wonder.

Does he only love me because I love him? Is it that he appreciates me only after I've done something for him? People have voiced their concerns about me loving him more than I ought to, and that he only loves me because he has to. That he's only loving me for the sake of having someone to love.

Thanks to all who have voiced out. I know that you're all concerned about me and care a lot about me. But I'd rather base my relationship on trust and hope that I am right in my decision. If I am not, let me get hurt and learn my own lesson. Let me learn how to be wary with my heart. But thanks anyway.

What I have been doing recently: Messing around a little too much with the bike group, working, planning, rushing through handicrafts, waking Kenny up for work with a cup of coffee at his door, and the rest of the time is pretty much spent sleeping.

I'll be going over to my god-mother's place to stay over tonight, they're going to Mandai Crematorium tomorrow for my brother's lunar death anniversary.

I've been thinking of him more and more recently. I think it's because his death anniversary is near. I can't help thinking about stuff that I should not think about, and I think I scared my sister by suddenly crying halfway through a show.

Still the same questions: Is he able to see me wherever he is? Is he even able to see anything at all? I had always believed that a person ceases to exist after he or she dies, but after losing an integral part of the family I wanted so much to believe otherwise.

This was found online:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."

I wonder if this applies to Ah Yang korkor. Somehow I know that he's not there, but still, it's comforting to know that something of his original self is there. For I do not know exactly where he is, and I take comfort in knowing that he might be near-by.

Is he... isn't he? Where is he?