Heaven's Got A Brand New Angel

If you've been a long time reader, you will join me in my pain as I tell you that my little girl, Tracy, has passed on yesterday.

She had been flailing for a while. She had cancer, arthritis, pneumonia, failing liver and kidneys, the likes. She was 13 years old.

I had actually made the decision to let her go when I was at the vet's the day before.

But when I woke up yesterday morning, I thought to myself - I shouldn't be the one to decide when she goes. She should be the one deciding.

She wasn't eating or drinking anymore, so we had to put her on a drip to get some nutrients into her body. We were at the vets yesterday for the drip. We waited outside while they attended to the myriad of sick animals brought in.

Right before our turn, I was cradling Tracy like a baby, and she peed on me. I put her down and the boyfriend helped me to clean up. Then I let her sleep on the floor on the blanket.

There were people walking around, so I carried her up to the bench to let her sleep. I had my hand on her. Then I realised that her breathing was laboured and that she wasn't breathing as much. Just then, our name was called and we carried her gingerly into the surgery room.

I told the attendant that she wasn't breathing and he checked her heart rate. When he couldn't find one, another vet came in to check. She then asked if we wanted to resuscitate her.

I looked at Tracy, terrified that I would make the wrong decision. With a heavy heart, I shook my head.

I watched her slowly and peacefully slip away, right in front of my very eyes.

Sobs wrecked my body, but still I tried to hold it in. It was hard. Too hard.

I kissed her repeatedly and said goodbye. I said I loved her very, very much. And I said I'm sorry.

She looked just like she was sleeping. She turned cold. Then she left.

There goes the most beautiful soul on Earth I have ever known. She was brave to the end, even wageed her tail when we picked her up to go to the vet.

There goes my little girl, my baby.

In a sense I was relieved. She wouldn't be suffering any more. But as any grief-stricken dog owner who has lost a beloved friend would tell you, sorrow overtakes everything else.

She has been my very best friend throughout my life, and all I could give her was a normal life. I couldn't give her the best, or an exceptional life, in return for all she's done for me.

Goodbye my baby. Wherever you go, please remember that mummy loves you very, very much. Take care of yourself, have fun playing in the open fields in the sun with all the other dogs who have gone there, don't fall off the rainbow bridge and mummy will come and find you when her time is up too, ok? Remember to make friends and eat many many treats and mess up many many towels and blankets and laze all day in the sun.






























































"You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

My Baby

Today I found out that the most beautiful little girl in the world, my little CKCS Tracy, has cancer.

I'd known for a while that she had cancer. What with the diminishing weight, the loss of appetite and the fast growing tumor on her neck. It was inevitable. It was just that my colleague today had a scare with her dog, and I decided to rush my own to visit the vet.

The vet confirmed that the lump on her neck was cancer. It was the dirtiest word anyone could ever mutter. It sounded like a death sentence more than anything else. With his confirmation, it felt like a boulder had just crashed into my chest and broke all my ribs.

I was bleeding inside.

I stood outside the clinic and stifled my whimpers while waiting for her medication. I cried in the car all the way back, bawling uncontrollably at the traffic lights. Tears marred my vision and I couldn't stop shaking. It's a wonder how I got home in one piece.

She was already on heart and liver medication. I was already having to spoon feed her wet food every night in an attempt to get her weight up. Nothing is working.

She's slowly slipping out of my grasp.

My Tracy is now 13 years old. She has been with me for 11 wonderful years. She stuck by my darkest hours through my adolescence. She laid on my stomach to give me warmth when I was having the worst gastric episodes. We sat side by side on quiet evenings. She slept with her head on my pillow, or under the covers with me on cold nights. She followed me wherever I went, even if it was to the toilet.

And I've cried countless tears into her fur.

She is the best and most loyal dog I have ever had the pleasure of caring for and loving. I regret that I was not the best of owners to her, because there's so much more that I could've done and so much more I could've given her. I wasn't able to provide the best quality of life for her. She was abused before she came to me and now she still has to suffer.

And for that, I hate myself.

Tracy baby.. Mama loves you very much. So very, very much. And I will do all I can to make sure that you're not feeling uncomfortable for however long we have left. Mama will spend as much time as she possibly can with you.

I know it may be selfish to ask this of you, but stay with Mama, for now. Stay a while longer. Give mama a chance to love you, a little while longer.

I love you.