My Baby

Today I found out that the most beautiful little girl in the world, my little CKCS Tracy, has cancer.

I'd known for a while that she had cancer. What with the diminishing weight, the loss of appetite and the fast growing tumor on her neck. It was inevitable. It was just that my colleague today had a scare with her dog, and I decided to rush my own to visit the vet.

The vet confirmed that the lump on her neck was cancer. It was the dirtiest word anyone could ever mutter. It sounded like a death sentence more than anything else. With his confirmation, it felt like a boulder had just crashed into my chest and broke all my ribs.

I was bleeding inside.

I stood outside the clinic and stifled my whimpers while waiting for her medication. I cried in the car all the way back, bawling uncontrollably at the traffic lights. Tears marred my vision and I couldn't stop shaking. It's a wonder how I got home in one piece.

She was already on heart and liver medication. I was already having to spoon feed her wet food every night in an attempt to get her weight up. Nothing is working.

She's slowly slipping out of my grasp.

My Tracy is now 13 years old. She has been with me for 11 wonderful years. She stuck by my darkest hours through my adolescence. She laid on my stomach to give me warmth when I was having the worst gastric episodes. We sat side by side on quiet evenings. She slept with her head on my pillow, or under the covers with me on cold nights. She followed me wherever I went, even if it was to the toilet.

And I've cried countless tears into her fur.

She is the best and most loyal dog I have ever had the pleasure of caring for and loving. I regret that I was not the best of owners to her, because there's so much more that I could've done and so much more I could've given her. I wasn't able to provide the best quality of life for her. She was abused before she came to me and now she still has to suffer.

And for that, I hate myself.

Tracy baby.. Mama loves you very much. So very, very much. And I will do all I can to make sure that you're not feeling uncomfortable for however long we have left. Mama will spend as much time as she possibly can with you.

I know it may be selfish to ask this of you, but stay with Mama, for now. Stay a while longer. Give mama a chance to love you, a little while longer.

I love you.