My Plea

I know it's selfish of me to just run away and leave all you readers with nothing to read for a week, and then come back to pour out things that makes one feel even more unhappy. But what could I do? The computer is back in my sister's room, work is bugging me, my social life is bugging me, and I'm kind of starting to bug myself.

I hate it that I'm always the idiot. After seeing myself and my friends fall in relationships, shouldn't I have learned better to stay away from it? Should I have known better than to hope there really is true love?

How naive of me. To actually think that I had wanted to fill her shoes in her place. I guess I need my own pair of shoes to fill.

It's no one's fault but my own. I brought this upon myself. I knew about his past but undertook the relationship knowing full well that he's still scarred. Knowing full well that my insecurities would drag me back to square one.

I think by now there's a bruised and battered something resembling a heart beating in me. And if I don't learn how to protect myself soon, it'll get worse.

What can I say?

Can I stand in your shoes?
Could you stand in mine?
Tell me honestly how you feel.
I want to know.
I don't want to lose you.

I keep thinking about her more and more. Wondering.

What were they like together?

What would've happened had Kenny married her?

What was Kenny like when he was with her? Was he always like this or did he simply lose interest because of her?

Why... never mind.

"And so it is, like you said it would be."

Do I look blind to you? Or just plain dumb?

I've changed so much for him. Matured so much in this relationship. Put forward my best and yet.. my best is not enough. It is never enough. I know that I've already said this a lot of times but.. maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't care so much.

I think of him and all that I'm feeling makes me feel selfish to want to satisfy my own feelings and wants. I want to feel secure again. I want to be loved. I want to be treated like a precious princess and I want to do so much more.

What is love anyway? Can someone, anyone, please explain to me in detail: what is love? I know it's got something to do with wanting the best for someone, to care and cherish someone, but over the years, people have changed the meaning of love. Now it's become a mindless word for just wanting to be with a person whether or not that person is right for you.

Is he right for me?

Just received a phone call from Wilson, a long time friend whom I used to play basketball with back in secondary school. He wants a basketball session tomorrow evening with the rest of the gang. We haven't met for a year now, the last time I met them was during a gathering to sentosa.

Anyway, Wilson sounded so different! Where was that shy guy I used to know? Now he sounds so outgoing over the phone! I guess everybody's grown up in a way. Maybe Wilson just grew up too.

Anyway, treasure hunt today! We made this:



And this!



For the quest. We actually found the quest from a thread posted by a friend of mine a couple of weeks back, and out of boredom registered for it.

Woke up quite early for the thing, met up at Mac with the rest of the teammates Adrian and Daniel with Kenny and my sister for breakfast before heading off to Marina Bay for the meeting point. Kenny's first time taking public transport for over a year!



Memorable.

After getting shirts and messing around with the banner..



.. we got on the MRT with anticipation. We missed a stop! Lucky for us there were other groups on the train, and we knew something was wrong when they got off at City Hall. Anyway, the train to Harbourfront was almost empty..



.. which resulted to us messing around having a cabin to ourselves.

Went all the way to Sentosa where a cock-up was waiting for us, did some weird lame stuff and went on to our second destination to drink some truly disgusting stuff. After vomitting in one of the twin towers of the Southernmost Tip of Continental Asia (or something like that), we deciphered the third clue and went on to the Sentosa Office to play with jigsaw puzzles like kids again. I jumped into the sea at the forth station to collect ping pong balls from the sea.

End of summary of what should be a long and detailed blow-by-blow account of today's events because I am such a lazy girl.

There were four standard stations we had to pass, solving a clue before we get to know the next station's location. After passing all four stations, we had a puzzle challenge.



When we reached the ending point where all the puzzle action was, we were the 4th team. The first team to solve everything and run off is the winner. Guess who's team got first?



Us!

Our prize: $500 bucks and a spa voucher. Wowza!

The rest of the miscellenous pictures:









It was fun. If there were any more treasure quests or something like this I'd be happy to join again.

I know this post doesn't sound like the usual me because everything's coming out in bits and pieces and everything's all jumbled up in my mind so they all come out that way. I'm sick and I'm tired and I need sleep. Maybe my next post won't sound so airy, eh?


"i don't want to see i don't want to know i don't want to care i don't want to touch that thing i know where that came from i know why its still with you i don't know how i know but i just do its a female's sixth sense i guess. i don't want to see i don't want to know i don't want to care i don't... i know."

I skipped work today. No reasons, no excuses, nothing. I just slept like a log when the alarm rang.

Didn't go to work last week too, but there's a reason for that. Roger was the only one who got so worried that he actually came up to look for me. I was so touched the moment I saw him standing outside my door.

My best friend.

Anyway, nothing interesting to report, except that we went to a kawa outing.



Kenny found a brother there



A glimpse of the crazy riders



Along Kranji dam



Nice bike! Very comfortable too.. more comfortable than my Dante Mito!



Walking around..





Nice bike, nice couple.



The bike that got into an accident at Devil's bend.



Pictures do tell a thousand words, don't they?

Anyway, I know I have seriously been neglecting my blog for the past month, and I do apologise for all you disappointed readers. I really will try to update as often as I can.

Life with Kenny's fine and dandy, just a weeny bit of insecurities creeping in. But I'll get rid of that soon, I won't let the past jeopardize what I have in the here and the now. Sometimes in love, it is vital to think only of the here and the now, instead of what might have been had I not went barging into his life.

On the MRT alone one day (I forgot to where), a few couples were on the same train as me. The guys kept looking at me and their counterparts kept pulling their attention back to themselves because they didn't want their guys to look. Poor girls, having to keep their guys in check whenever another female is in sight. This may or may not happen to me, but hey, he's free to look as long as he doesn't touch. I can't control his eyeballs anyway.

On the same train full of couples, some good looking and some not, there was this fairly normal looking couple. They weren't as good-looking as the other couples, but what drew my attention to them was that they had a pram before them. Both were happily cooing into the pram and they kept looking at each other with real love-filled eyes. This was the sweetest most special couple that made one felt truly happy just looking at them. I wish they stay in love that way all through their lives.

This is the period of time during work whereby you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO but to stone in front of the computer. Might as well blog, eh?

Sorry to all who worried about me on Tuesday, I'm fine now. And sorry about my last post, was kinda' in a depressed mood when I wrote that. Me and lazyChoo are fine now, thank you very much.

Work's good, life's good, but everything's getting monotonous. Every single day slips by so fast without me having accomplished anything except working mindlessly. Ah well. When I save up enough money I'll be taking a private diploma so maybe I'm not wasting my time after all.

Gawd, you won't be able to imagine the amount of males here who have the RES (Roaming Eyes Syndrome). You only have to be a female in their presence and you'll automatically feel the famed "scan". Up and down, back and front. Makes one kind of wish that the law did not forbid one to dig out other people's eyes.

Courier's here! Gotta run!

Here I go.. screaming my lungs out.. to try to get to you..

Here I go.. wanting you to know how I feel when you say things like that..

Here I go.. failing miserably to gather up the courage to face up to you..

Here I go.. not daring to tell you what's wrong..

Here I go.. unable to tell you what went wrong..

And letting the matter go because I am so close to tears..

Please have patience with me..

I understand that you have your own problems, your own stress, your own fears..

But I have them too.

Please try to understand that I am so close to breaking down.

Please understand that it hurts so bad that I can no longer find words to describe how I feel now.

But I don't wanna give up.

I will never give up on you.

Here I go.. screaming my lungs out.. but in silence

Here I go... ... ...

*Sitting at her own private desk, using her own private (okay, not so private, anyone who walks through the entrance will be able to see what I'm doing online. Darn.) computer, waiting for time to pass until 6.30pm to get off work*

I've been here for three days now, and having the time of my life! Not many people can say this, but I love my job (",)

Jazzy @ iPlan + ThePostalConnect!

My colleagues are super nice people, the delivery guys are all okay except that uncle with the attitude problem, and the neighbouring toy shop owners who keep on popping by to offer ice cream and coffee are nice people as well. I'm able to mess around online when there's nothing to do, run around outside to get coffee and snacks anytime I want. I'm so darn lucky to have this job.

I learnt a lot about courier service and secretarial in this past few days, and there's a lot more to learn. Month end closing is coming up, but I can see its quite smooth sailing here, none of the rushing around other companies usually do.

Mindlessly surfing around now, munching on my snacks while waiting for time to pass. Forum of the day: http://www.ministryofpets.com where animal and pet lovers gather. It's a good and fun place to be. The only bad thing about it is having an arse trying to act guru and turning about 70% of the threads into flame threads.

I know I haven't been in to update much, because the past week's been quite busy for me. First it was my cousin's wedding. It was the most wonderful banquet I've ever been to, despite having worked in more banquets than anyone should attend. It's probably because the entire hall was filled with people I know, and it's a banquet with the most beautiful bride in the world (or so I think). Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I pray for a happily blissful marriage for all her life.

Been messing around here and there after that, couldn't really find the time to blog. I had a few topics to blog about, but seeing as how long they were going to be, I saved them for when I have a LOT of time on my hands.

Chinchilla viewing on Saturday with Roger. Hopefully he makes the right decision about whether or not to get the chinchillas.

Kenny, my sister, Adrian, Daniel and I are going on a treasure quest! For what treasure I don't really know unless you count in the $500 prize for being the first. It's a problem-solving RPG type quest that the Nee Soon CC organized. Each teams must consist of 3 males and 2 females. The whole team met up yesterday to discuss who should do what, and a rough sketch of our flag is out!

We're the Numa Numa Clan (I blame you, Daniel) which almost got called the Nama Nama Clan (your fault, Adrian), and our flag's going to consist of the initials NNC (which looks incredibly like NCC). Had a fun time yesterday, everybody joking and laughing away at Mac's.

Meeting up next Tuesday for a hands-on to completing the flag.

Oh ya, by the way, thanks Weiyi and Kegan for missing me so much that you guys are actually dreaming about me. I miss you guys too. And thanks Su baby for worrying about me so much. I'm ok now, but I'm not trying to broach the subject with him for the time being. I know he didn't forget, he just pretended that it isn't there when in front of me.

I feel like a BLOODY idiot now.

Was online to change my practical timing, found out that the time I changed to was peak hour (which means I needed to top up some money into my account at SSDC), and having lost the card number Kenny gave me, I fumbled through his wallet for his Mastercard.

Guess what I found.

Something hurting. Something that pierced right through my heart and stung my eyes like a blunt dagger laced with salt. Something that made me want to take out my nail gun and attempt to nail down my heart so that it would not bleed again.

But I'm bleeding. Bleeding in my white princessy gown. Bleeding in my white princessy slippers. In my white princessy soul.

Might be just me. Might be not. Might be that he's lazy. Might be that he's not.

Ambiguous. Vague. Uncertain. Nothing's clear to me. He tells me he loves me. I know that he loves me. But sometimes his actions say otherwise.

Maybe I'm still just a kid. Maybe I'm simply too naive to believe that such a love would exist. Maybe I still don't know as much as I ought to.

I had envisioned life as a roll of tape. Since the day I fell in love with him I envisioned a pair of scissors, cutting away the tape that is behind him, cutting away the past so that I would never see it. I only want to see the here and the now. But by and by I see more and more of his past, to the point where I almost know all about it.

I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to see.

I didn't want to feel the way I feel.

Pictures. Picture after picture, tearing me apart.

I do not cry. I find no need to shake my tears away because there is none for me to shake.

Jaded. So jaded.

Stop peeling my layers away. They only make me hurt more.

Leave me alone.

So much to say.. so much to do... so little time..

I fulfilled a lifelong dream a couple of days ago. I got my bike.

It's been a dream of mine to ride a bike ever since I was a wee tot. Once that dream was accomplished, everyone thought I was satisfied. Everyone saw the smile on my face that was not there.

I didn't feel happy the day I got my bike. There's just this sudden rush of emptiness inside of me, as if my dream has been in me so long that it left a hole when I take it out. As if by fulfilling that dream I have no other goals in life.

What exactly do I want?

I only felt the exhileration much later, when Kenny was pilloning me on my bike. I couldn't believe it. This powerful mean machine was mine? Mine? This sleek and beautiful baby, who would respond to my every move?

His name is Dante, by the way. So don't get confused when I say I'm riding Dante.

Dad wants to get another smaller bike for me to get used to the road before I ride around on Dante. I flat out rejected him. Who in the blue hell gets a bike, get used to the bike, gets another bike and gets used to that one before coming back to get used to this bike? What the...?

*excerpt removed. I think I'll just bottle it up.*

Warning to ALL. My bike is a VERY sensitive topic. Do NOT say anything bad about my bike, do NOT tell me that Cagivas are problematic bikes, do NOT tell me anything that I do not already know about my bike. And do NOT ask about the insurance and the financial status I'm in now. You bad-mouth my bike, you bad-mouth me.

I got my bike! My lovely, lovely bike!

I shall call it Boy and ride him every chance I get *evil grin*

Here he is!



Don't let me catch you saying anything bad about him from now on. This awesome machine now resides under a tarp at the carpark of my block.

It's so cold here, will update later when I shift the computer out again.

I know I've been neglecting my blog for a few days now. Well, I first wanted to say that I've been real busy and didn't have the time to squeeze my brain to blog, and then remembering that I forgot what it was that I've been busy with, I decided not to broach the subject. It'll be like contradicting myself.

Gimme' a break, will ya? I have short-term memory.

Mito viewing on Saturday. If everything is in its place and the Mito is in fine condition, I'm bringing that thing back on Saturday itself. Keep a lookout for a yellow Mito rider soon! But wait, wasn't I going to paint it red? I guess that'll have to wait till I get my pay.

Which reminds me, I got myself a job! Nothing fancy, just a time filler until I decide which course I want to study. Went for the interview yesterday, and starting on the 28th of this month.

I'll be working at a shop that does courier shipping, which means I'll be doing packaging, data entry, reading newspaper in the shop when we're free and maybe wandering around the area for deliveries when the delivery guy isn't free. Sounds great to me, considering they're giving me mobile, transport and performance allowances, not to mention medical benefit.

Oh yea, and I'll be working as an exhibition girl again this coming 24th to 26th of November. For Canon this time, Creative's made huge losses and they're not getting Zen girls for this event. I absolutely love doing shows!

It's Thursday. The weekend is coming! I'll be able to spend more time with Kenny again~

You don't deserve this kind of treatment, then.. do I?

Do I deserve to be treated far less important than your bike, your work, your friends, your mood? Do I deserve to be taken for granted no matter how hard I try?

You tell me to think of others feelings. Have you thought of mine?

All I did was to be unhappy that you didn't come, and I showed that unhappiness over the phone. So you didn't deserved to be shown unhappiness?

You think of others' feelings. You do. You consider everyone's feelings carefully, everyone's but mine. It's as if I have non-existant feelings that I should keep bottled up.

You complain to me about everything. How work sucks. How bike sucks. How your mood sucks. How so-and-so sucks.

Have you ever heard me complaining?

How careful my words are. How I have to make sure they're all in the right places. How closely I watch what I say so that I don't offend you, or anyone else for that matter. What am I, a servant or something?

You end this argument by treating me as some bimbotic bitch who only wants her way and argues for the sake of winning the argument. The argument is not constructive and wasted when nothing is solved by senselessly pushing and taking blame.

You ignore my pleas. You don't see them. They're invisible to you. And so shall I be.

Felt so alone yesterday when everybody was busy. I mean, I only have this clique of close friends, and without them I felt empty. I know they have their own lives and stuff, that their lives do not revolve around the group, but mine does. And I can't help feeling so empty when everyone's busy, even my own boyfriend.

I need more friends.

A late night meeting at Lower Seletar and nobody even told me. Am I still part of that group? Or have they started to think of me as an insignificant half of a couple?

A group never misses to call. No matter how insignificant the matter is. Or how short the meeting may be. Am I still included in the group?

Just skimmed through a certain post of a blog claiming how bikes are like women. I don't like it. So stereotypical.

I do not like being stereotyped, I repeat, I do not like being stereotyped. Stereotype me and I'll turn nasty toward you.

Sure, I like flowers and romance but that doesn't put me in the same category as trillions of other bimbos out there. I have a mind of my own, a thinking of my own, stop stereotyping me!

What is it with guys and thinking that all girls are the same? That's like saying all guys are bastards and not a single one is different. And what is it with guys and thinking that money is such an important thing that it is vital to spice up the relationship?

I see a difference in our thinking. A big one. One that I might not be able to accept and love. Best not to broach the subject, eh? Don't want to be overbearing and force him to change.

Anyway, did a funny thing and got the pictures from my phone into the computer. I sent them to Roger, who uploaded them into his computer and sent them back to me via MSN. Here they are!







My newest cousin! Ain't she cute?

There were a few more but I think my cousin will kill me if I posted her wedding picture up.

And look what I made for Kenny:



Nice, eh? Was messing around with Adobe Photoshop, trying to learn how to use it when I came up with this. Photoshopping lessons, anyone?

Bike shopping on Saturday!

Saw my future husband, rode on him and practically salivated all over him. He is such a beauty! When he's mine I'm going to paint his ears (side-mirrors) black, fix up that cracked meter and he'll be as good as new! Sorry, no pictures yet because I haven't for the life of me figured how to upload pictures from my phone into my computer.

We went to many different bike shops our last stop was at Ah Boy's. Look what my darling Kenny got for me!



My very first gift from him! Can't wait to slip my hands into them and wrap them around the handlebars of my future husband *excited*

There are 7 gears on a Mito, do you know that? Not to mention the electric start. Electric start on a 2B bike, imagine that!

After our bike shopping, we met up with Anthony and Roxy at Marina Square. Had dinner, walked around and found this beautiful tube dress that made me swoon. But, as usual, things that make me swoon are usually things that I cannot afford. That thing costs $250. It's a beautiful thing in soft grey, stretchable material, circular hanging beads of green at the chest area, and a high-cut V shape up the front. Urgh!

Met up with Sam, felt guilty for making Sam ride all the way to Marina and back, messed around with pets at my house, went down to Lower Seletar to collect Alan and off to Y10 for a movie titled Just Like Heaven.

Met up with Roy, who went to collect this girl from the forum whom we said was quite a match with Sam because of her liking for vulgar language. I gave a warning to the others that if she so much as uttered a single vulgar word when talking to me I will totally ignore her. Lucky for me I didn't get to talk to her.

None of us did.

She was permenantly glued to her phone as if she makes a few thousand bucks per minute. All throughout the movie her phone never left her hand, never had a chance to off the light for that matter. And directly after the show, she wanted to meet her friend, so didn't go with us to supper. What's the meaning of this?

I mean, if she just wanted a show she could've gone for it herself. There wasn't a need to bother Roy, for him to go all the way to Serangoon to pick her up and come back to Yishun again if she had no mind to even make friends with us. Like, hello? Do you even know the meaning of manners?

Great impression she left on us.

Anyway.

Helped out like a common coffeeshop helper yesterday at the coffeeshop where my mother works at. Not that I look down on coffeeshop helpers, I just don't want to be one. Felt like an idiot the whole time I was there. The only good thing about helping out there was I got this:



There was some grand event with some important people, and my mother didn't want those old aunties to serve those "important people". Ambassadors from god-knows-where, coming to sample Singaporean delights. These flowers were supposed to be on their table, but were removed when their food arrived. I was allowed to bring two of these home.

Zebra flowers and carnations, with hidden orchids, forget-me-nots and shooting stars. Nice combination, if not for the carnations. I'm not sure why, but I don't like carnations and tulips. Hmm. What flowers exactly do I like? I can't say for sure. Plus, the fun part would be to find out, wouldn't it (if you're not the stingy type)?

Anyway, look at this!



Cash's cage's new layout. Nice, eh? Cash loves it, he's been trying to tear them all apart but they're all fixed down. Ha!

Nice? Nice? (you better say nice or you'll be sorry)

Found this while I was helping Melvin source for blogskins. He's starting a new blog!

This is kinda.. plain. As in the colours are only in black and white. But the graphics are awesome! It's definately made for me. I like to keep things simple and nice (or in other words, plain).

I know that orange picture of me doesn't quite suit the big picture, but please bear with it until I get home and photoshop a darker picture to go along.

Links and archive's on the right. Just scroll down. Some linkies are removed, will add more when I get back later. Took the liberty of removing the taggy because the comments section comes with the skin. Comment, people, comment!

I love my new skin~! *gushes*

They say that the first step to cure an addiction, is to admit you have an addiction.

I admit! I have an addiction!

This addiction of mine isn't bad, it doesn't harm my health, in fact, it's perfectly healthy and good for me.

I am having the "LazyChoo" addiction.

Not that I want to cure this addiction, but openly admitting it doesn't hurt, does it?

This said LazyChoo is now occupying my bed, leaving me with nowhere to sleep. I don't mind. There's this unique smell of his wafting around whenever I lie down on my bed.

I love the way he adds a "darling" behind his sentences. The way he keeps smelling me. The cute magnetic way his hand is attracted to my waist. The sweet gesture of calling me at intervals during the day just to hear my voice. And I know there is so much more I can find out about him in the time to come.

Kinda' got influenced by April's latest post over at http://mytenfingers.blogspot.com/

Am feeling kind of hyper after going without sleep for the whole night, and I have a Math paper in an hour's time. Sucks, doesn't it?

Cash the African Grey's cage is cleaned and his new toys are in place. I can't wait to clean out Mika and Peaches the lovebirds' cages, hang in their new toys and send Tracy for a full grooming. Perhaps clean out the fish tank filter and give my terrapin a good scrub.

And perhaps clean up my room, revamp the whole thing next year. Dislodge the humongus wardrobe, pull down the entire bed and all the compartments, install a queen sized bed, exchange the bookshelf for a bigger one and find somewhere to dump my TV and stereo. Which probably means I'll be broke for a long time after I get my Mito.

My darling Mito is now sitting somewhere in a showroom at Wdls just waiting for me to go to him. I can hear it now.. Jasmine.. dear Jasmine.. come get me as soon as you can.. I want you so bad.. *imagination overdrive*

I want to paint my side mirrors black and do this!

Someone once told me regarding the things I do for Kenny, that he'd like to see how long I'm able to keep on exhausting myself for love.

From this I deduce that he probably thinks that I am still young, that when I get older I'd find that sooner or later I'll tire of doing all this. All I can say is that I cannot prove him wrong. I will get tired sooner or later. But as long as I am able to keep it up, I will.

No matter the level of maturity, we are all allowed to do stupid things in the name of love, are we not? Not that I'm saying all that I did were stupid per se; on the contrary, I think they contributed a lot to the relationship.

Think about it. Wouldn't the world be a lot nicer with a litte romance here, and a little spice there, perhaps a huge load of surprises and love? Or would you rather a boring relationship based on the usual everyday life basis?

Yes, one will eventually tire of being the one giving, but think of it this way. I have at least experienced love in a fun and unusual manner, I have at least gave my all (or tried to) in this relationship. I will never look back in regret and wish that I'd done more to keep the spice in the relationship. I can try to keep the spice in the relationship for as long as I can before it dies off into something that is taken for granted.

And who says couples can't have fun? Who made the commandment that a relationship has to turn bland with the passage of time? Who says that a date can only consist of dinner and a movie? You'd be surprised at what kind of dates I can plan, provided I have the help of my friends and the opportunity to present them of course. And no, I do not have an idea (yet), but given the occasion I think I can come up with something.

As long as I can, I will. When I can no longer try, perhaps a little help please?

Anyway, I do not regard that someone who made that comment as a person who is trying to dampen my fire. He is just perhaps a little skeptical because he himself has been hurt (or has hurt others) before too. And I thank him for making that comment, because it made me think in-depth about this subject. He was also the one who enlightened me about my expectations. He made me realize that one should not expect anything from my other half in a relationship.

Thanks, Roy.

Might sound a little unfair for me to be the one giving in the relationship, but hey, if it makes me happy... I'm happy doing the things I do for him. And that just about covers everything else.

I am Jazzyme! Adrian, I am Jazzyme! Not Jazzymin! Argh! *grins*

I'm only using Jazzymin in my blog URL because Jazzyme's been taken up by someone else before me. Darn. But I'm still Jazzyme!

Anyway, been following up on April's blog recently, and found this comment from one of her posts:

"Pathetic women like us tried to give in, because of love. Because we love them, we hate to see them miserable, that's why misery came to us instead.

I own a "my interest and feelings is more important than yours" type of boyfriend too... "

Perhaps most guys in relationships are like that. I feel for you girl, message me anytime you need someone to talk to.

English paper was easy peasy today, but due to lack of studying or even touching my books, I think I went horribly off-topic for my compo. Ah well.

It's amazing how Kenny is able to unwittingly pick me up during my most low moods, and unwittingly trash me down as easily as well. With a single phone call he erased all suicidal thoughts from my head. With another he put them all back.

And no, I am not suicidal right now.

Last night at his house was wonderful, magical, and I believe with some effort, I can make it all better. How about a tub of chocolate ice-cream and Hershey's chocolate syrup tomorrow night? *cheeky grin*

Topics lifted from April and Fie's blogs

7 things that scare me:

- Losing someone close to me
- Coming home to find the house on fire
- The dark hearts of men and how scary they can be when they turn the other cheek
- Being cast off by friends
- Kenny getting into an accident
- Anyone in the group getting into an accident
- Being stalked

7 things I like the most about me:

- Friendly
- Ability to adapt
- My sensuous body
- The desire to help others
- My artistic nature (although it brings me more pain than joy)
- The love I have for animals
- Being different; standing out from the crowd

7 things I hate the most about me:

- Too easy-going (lets people step all over me)
- Too altruistic
- Jack of all trades and master of none
- Being too sensitive to everything
- Weak-willed
- That I hurt myself when angry
- Being too different, people are not used to it

7 most important things in my room:

- My bed
- My messy table (a place for dumping stuff)
- My bedside lamp (for all those late night reads)
- My lovely air-con!
- My big bookshelf (not big enough, gonna get a bigger one)
- My Hi-fi
- My TV

7 random facts about me:

- I love Anderson's ice cream
- I talk animately to myself and to inanimate objects
- I still keep my baby clothes
- I need to have a weekly intake of alcohol or I'll start stoning
- I get meaner the closer it gets to my "time of the month"
- Although I don't show it, I'm a sucker for romance
- I do snap at people sometimes too

7 things I plan to do before I die:

- Settle down, get married, have kids and grandkids
- Have at least owned the range of class 2 bikes that I'm drooling over now
- Experience a love so great that it'd make me cry
- Travel around the globe
- Help as many people as I can, in as many ways I can
- Have my name carved into the bark of a tree that's going to stay there like, forever
- A little irrelevent, but if I were to have a gruesome death, I want to die riding

7 things I can't do:

- Be unsensitive
- Be unkind
- Eat 3 tubs of ice cream in one hour
- Give the middle finger to a certain oppresive gahmen
- Please the whole world
- Accomplish unfeasible goals although I do entertain thoughts of them
- Give my mother the life she wants

7 things I say the most:

- Duh!
- Yea, right
- o... kay...
- Nobody does it like this one lah
- Hie
- Wah lao!
- Don't want

7 celeb crushes:

- Louis Koo
- Donnie Yen
- Robbie Williams
- Eason Chan
- Johnny Depp
- J. Lo
- Mayday's Ah Xin

7 people I'll love to see doing this:

- Kenny
- Roger
- Jennifer
- Azly
- Aris
- Adrian
- Su

Woah.. Stomach's growling! Anyone to whisk me off to dinner?

As I walk along the shopping malls today, I see lots of decorations going up.

Christmas is near. Followed by my birthday, and then Valentine's day. I am so going to be broke! Present buying will surely give me migraine.

Anyway, with regards of the upcoming Christmas/birthday/Valentine's day, I have a few comments and pieces of useful information if you want to get me something.

1) I am deathly allergic to fake metal. The least I can tahan is 925 silver, and even with that I sometimes have allergies. Which means if you're getting anything shiny for me it's going to be expensive so I would advise you against it.

2) I like books. Big, interesting books. No romance novels please. How about some thrills, mystery and horror?

3) I have a fetish for handmade things. End of story.

4) I have an exceptional interest in something called the Sylvanian Family. Especially the whole series of doll houses. But, it's going to be expensive as well, so I would advise against this as well.

5) Anything and everything to do with bikes. Oh, and I need a pair of nice gloves.

6) Small thoughtful things that I'd never think of. With sincerity please.

The world is unfair. The promise of a better life, filled with rich memories and thoughts that tomorrow will be a better day, is nothing but an illusion.

The unfairness of being slapped gawd knows how many times when I did not do anything to deserve it, had me driving myself up against the wall, again and again until my head splits and blood gushes forth. Ok that was an exaggeration, there's only a small patch of congealed blood, and a humongous bump on the left side of my forehead.

I look like a bloody Luo Han fish now, complete with a huge kok.



Picture's quite blur. It's not as bad as it looks.

Finally! The computer has been shifted back into the living room again. Huge fight last night, resulting in the shift.

Change of plans for my bike. If the red Cagiva Mito is still there at the same price when I get my licence, it's a Mito for me. If it's not, and I can't find any other Mitos going under 4k, then it's TZM for me.

Exam period. Might not be coming in as often. Am so going to work my ass off the moment my exams finish. Anyone who knows of anywhere that's looking for staff? City area, 8-5 job please. I want to be able to go home with Kenny.

Chalet was a success! Except for a few major glitches here and there, it was overall quite fun for all.

Couldn't remember what was so fun about the chalet, the major glitches left a very deep impression on my mind. What was fun was cycling around the whole of ECP on the second day when most of them weren't there yet. Swimming and a little bit of sun-tanning, some barbequing when most of them arrived, the arrival of his friends and a great big disappointment later, funny things happened.

Nothing that I want to remember, except that I dragged Roger out for a talk about Jacq, *missing part here* and *missing part here*, a long walk in the rain with Roger and having Darryl drive over with Roy and Jacq for breakfast, packing up and running off.

Was kinda nice having Kenny stay over for the day at my place, so comfortable. I love him, and maybe I shouldn't be thinking or feeling so much because maybe I'm expecting too much of him.

Why am I always the one to please? Why am I always the one who is always afraid that I'll be giving others a bad impression? Why is it that nobody ever cares whether they give me a good or bad impression? Why am I always the one to put in all her efforts while being taken for granted by everyone?

Why do I let everyone step all over me? Everyone, including even my own sister. Might as well make a big wooden sign that says "Hey! Step all over me!" and ram the bloody end of the handle down my brain.

Great mood I'm in, huh? Anyway, these are the pictures that I feel like showing. Still waiting for Alan to send me to rest of the pictures.



Our bunch of friends.



His bunch of friends.

Nothing much happened these few days, just working and rushing. Not to mention yet another mahjong session at Roy's last night.

The planning for the chalet has taken an upward turn with the inclusion of Kenny. We're going shopping for the BBQ food and stuff on Thursday! Kenny's helping me plan the amount of food and stuff, my sister's planning on things to do at the chalet, and Mom's helping to marinate the food.

Got so tired of working yesterday that I actually hid in the toilet and wrote absolute rubbish in my little notebook that I carry with me everywhere. I had this funny idea of staying inside the toilet for one whole hour until Roger comes to pick me up. But, as usual, I had to go out and entertain the customers because they were there for me.

I don't understand why. In my short time with the company, I already have a few group of loyal fans who only goes when I'm there, I have had at least two marriage proposals, one of which includes the plans of having 7 kids (OMFG), the management and the other girls hate me because I'm always late and I seem to be snatching all the customers with them but they can't get rid of me because many of the biggest customers threatened not to come when I told them I was resigning, and bouquets of funny funny flowers that I haven't even heard of before arriving at my workplace for me.

Gawd.. scary..

Pictures with customers taken almost everytime I'm there. Different tables trying to snatch my attention. Customers from the same table almost fighting over my attention. I feel almost like a celebrity there. This may sound good to you, but in truth it's really scaring me. Not to mention putting stress on me as well. Like, hello? I'm there to work! All I'm supposed to do is to sit down and talk with the customers, I'm not supposed to deal with all this! ARGH!

Don't feel like talking about it anymore.

It's settled! We're going to Outback Steakhouse for dinner tommorow, and Moonfish for desserts. Greedy, aren't we?

Plan for tomorrow: Wake Kenny up for work, have him drop me off at the MRT station, head to Mandai to visit my brother's plaque, head home and have a shower, head to Suntec to pick up things, get a haircut, get back to SSDC by 4.40pm for my theory practice and RTT, get picked up by Kenny and head home before going out to Millenia walk to pick up my pay and have dinner with Kenny. I am so going to pass out if I don't sleep tonight.

Had supper with Kenny, Sam and Anthony today. While eating, a bunch of Aprilla 125s appeared. Seemed like they were having a gathering or something. I don't see what's the big deal about Aprillas except for their prices, which were on par with Meetos. Meetos are actually quite awesome, and I would've gotten one if I had the money. But for now, I'm not thinking too much and going through with my license first, get a TZM and treat it like my baby until my next piece of machinery comes when I get my 2A license.

I... need... sleep..!

Just realised this.

I've been blogging for one whole year now. Oh yay! My blog's birthday was two days ago! *Looks around for presents and sees none* Oh well, it's just my blog. Don't need no presents. Smiling everytime my tag-board is updated showing how caring my readers are is present enough for me.

Anyway, I apologise for my ultra-bitter-moody previous post. It's just not doing Kenny any justice. He's a great guy to be with, sweet and tender when he awake and not THAT tired. Sorry honey! Just letting off some steam.

I did say I was in PMS mode. Pretty much explains the moody posts recently, eh?

Blogging from Kenny's again. He's asleep (as usual) while I just feel like jumping out the window.

Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should just wait it out and see what happens. Maybe the pain will stop.

Maybe.

Hey, if I can make myself no longer be afraid of lonliness, what can't I do?

Seems like he doesn't care much. Well neither will I. I will no longer hurt. I will no longer cry. Fuck everything.

I'm moulting! Literally. The skin on my fingertips and my nose is peeling like no tomorrow.

Oh yea, about the dry swimming yesterday. We played at Roy's until Sam fell asleep, and then played some more. It only ended around noon. I paid a grand total of $2.70 in mahjong tuition fees while Kenny paid $6 and Jacq paid $13. Which makes Roy a slightly richer man than us. I don't care, Roy's gonna have to treat us dinner.

Speaking of dinner, I think I'll be whisking Kenny off to Outback for some time alone before his birthday this coming public holiday. Or Moonfish. What do you think?

Or anyways, why am I treating him so nice when he doesn't even care?

Because I am dumb.

I sound bitter, do I? Well that's probably because I AM bitter. About what, I don't really know. There's just this really bitter and sour feeling in my mouth that I want to get rid of.

Roy suggests badminton tonight, and my dear primary schoolmate suggests supper. I'm still in contact with three of my primary school mates, by the way. We come out for supper occasionally. It's just that we've all been busy for the past year to meet up much. I'll see how things go, depending on what time Mr Pig here decides to wake up.

Fuck, I really am so bitter I feel like strangling him. Or myself. No, I think him's better.

He has this automated response for everything that it's become a matter of protocol for him. No sincerity at all. Guys, don't you know that sincerity is the way to a girl's heart? And even if you've found a way into her heart, sincerity is still one of the best ways to keep her happy? (Notice I said "one of the ways". Not "the best way". So don't go blaming me if it doesn't work.)

He was talking in his sleep, and went "UUMMM" and "OKAY" as if responding to someone in his dreams. I don't hate the fact that he's talking in his sleep, I only hate the fact that his responses are all automated. Everything's automated for him. Even love.

Darn.

Heya! Now blogging all the way from Roy's house. Kenny, me, Sam, Jacq and Roy are all here, and we're going to start our swimming session soon. Dry swimming, that is.

Anyway, it's kinda' fun to be blogging from other people's houses. I think I'll make a blog post every single time I go to someone else's house. Looks fun.

Roy's back after his shower. We're gonna start!

P.S: In case you don't know what dry swimming means, it's mahjong.

I had so much to say, so much to blog about and I was going to make this post a really long one, but somehow I just forgot what it was that I wanted to blog about.

Anyway, the plans for the chalet are looking up with the inclusion of my sister and mother into the planning for BBQ. My sister and me are planning the food and the stuff to buy, and my mother's helping us with her famous marinated meats and seafood.

Mom's an ultra good cook. And I'm not saying this because I'm her daughter, everybody I know who'd tasted her cooking loves it.

Things are getting even better between me and Kenny since I let slip about the chalet thing. He's been paying more attention and loving me better. I wonder.

Does he only love me because I love him? Is it that he appreciates me only after I've done something for him? People have voiced their concerns about me loving him more than I ought to, and that he only loves me because he has to. That he's only loving me for the sake of having someone to love.

Thanks to all who have voiced out. I know that you're all concerned about me and care a lot about me. But I'd rather base my relationship on trust and hope that I am right in my decision. If I am not, let me get hurt and learn my own lesson. Let me learn how to be wary with my heart. But thanks anyway.

What I have been doing recently: Messing around a little too much with the bike group, working, planning, rushing through handicrafts, waking Kenny up for work with a cup of coffee at his door, and the rest of the time is pretty much spent sleeping.

I'll be going over to my god-mother's place to stay over tonight, they're going to Mandai Crematorium tomorrow for my brother's lunar death anniversary.

I've been thinking of him more and more recently. I think it's because his death anniversary is near. I can't help thinking about stuff that I should not think about, and I think I scared my sister by suddenly crying halfway through a show.

Still the same questions: Is he able to see me wherever he is? Is he even able to see anything at all? I had always believed that a person ceases to exist after he or she dies, but after losing an integral part of the family I wanted so much to believe otherwise.

This was found online:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."

I wonder if this applies to Ah Yang korkor. Somehow I know that he's not there, but still, it's comforting to know that something of his original self is there. For I do not know exactly where he is, and I take comfort in knowing that he might be near-by.

Is he... isn't he? Where is he?

I remember mentioning that I would not be able to blog often anymore because the computer I share with my sister has been shifted to her room. It's been really bothering me, not being able to blog for a couple of days because I get distracted VERY easily. With the TV blaring away just beside the computer screen, and my sister on the phone now behind me, I think I'm going crazy.

She's turned the TV on mute because it's commercial and she feels that she should at least grant me the commercial time to blog. Argh why am I such a pushover? Why did I agree to let her move this stupid thing into her room anyway?

I have really short term memory. I easily forget what I did more than a couple of days ago, which is why it is important for me to blog as soon as possible after an event or something.

Great, commercial's ended and she's turning on the sound again. Just great.

Gawd I feel like such an idiot now..

Just remembered that Kenny posted something about blogging in his friendster blog a few days ago and it didn't make much sense. I got curious today about it not making sense, so I checked back with his blogspot blog. He did make some updates, and I don't have much to say about how I feel about them but that I'm all numb inside.

Numb again. That's the closest I can get to not tearing my hair out. It's my protection against all rain and sleet. Every time it hurts I envision liquid metal spreading all over my heart, slowly hardening, tight to the point where my heart could not beat, to the point where nothing can get to it. As an extra precaution, I build high blocks of wall all around my heart, so that nothing touches even the metal. That's when I lock out the rest of the world. That's when I am safe.

Anyway, he talks of a surprise that I am planning for him. Does he really know? Is there really a back-stabber in my group? I thought it weird when one of them gave me a sheepish look when I said I wanted to maintain the secrecy, and told me that it makes no difference whether its a surprise or not.

Look, dude, I have worked my ass off to maintain this secrecy, I have tortured my mentality just to keep it, I don't like keeping secrets, and you had to go spoil everything I built up? Looks like I'm doing all this for nothing. I might as well collect money from all of you in front of him. as opposed to what I'm doing now. Like a bloody rat. You could've at least told me so that I could've had a better time organising the thing. I wouldn't have to go through that depressed feeling everyday then.

I feel like such a bloody idiot now. Gleefully thinking that he doesn't know but in fact has known it all along. Bah bloody humbug.

I'm not working for you honey, I've already got everything planned and quartered out, I'm only working because I don't like having empty pockets. And I'm "chionging" the work this week because I figured that I'd be spending more next month. And since I've skipped twice of my weekly alcohol intake, I think I'm going to make up for it this week.

Word of advice to all contacts. I do not like monosyllables like "hhmmm" and "ok". By "ok" I meant via sms. If I tell you something and you agree with it and intend to reply with a single "ok", skip it. I'd rather you not reply than with a single meaningless "ok". My messages are important to me; when I receive one and feel happy about it, and open it to find a single monosyllable, it's frustrating.

Maybe if I stopped caring so much this pain would stop. Maybe if I started thinking like those bimbos that people stereotype me with, I wouldn't even feel this pain. But nah, I don't want to go all brainless.

Thought of the day: Miscommunication causes misunderstanding, do you know that? By putting ambiguous nicks in your msn, you could cause a lot of tension.

Alarm is ringing. I gotta go work. Come drink with me.

Here I am, once again at Kenny's house, blogging away because he's sleeping and I'm bored. Not "Oh, I'm just a little bored" but FREAKIN' BORED.

It's so hot because his air-con's not working well, my bladder's bursting because his family's in the living room and I'm too shy to go out, the lights are off and I'm going to go blind from staring at the lit screen, and I think I'll just content myself with a little more grumbling.

I have to say, I feel a little neglected sometimes. But that's just me, it's no one's fault except my own. I am just too goddamn sensitive and relient on everybody else. I contemplated not bringing the phone out for one whole day, but found that the group's calls and messages are too important to me. How weak-minded of me.

Anyway, on a lighter subject, I recently acquired lots of cuts and bruises on my arms. Two bleeding cuts on my left hand courtesy of my lovely Cash (the grey right above my tagboard), one long shallow scrape down my left arm and a dep cut on my right, courtesy of me FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS. Yea you heard me, I freakin' fell down the stairs. Bruises courtesy of the scrapes, and a few on my legs from kicking the goddamn safety bar of SSDC's lovely bikes.

I like the song From This Moment, but I don't bloody want to hear it. Don't ever let me hear it, because it makes me think of things I don't want to think of.

Woah, I sound so feisty!

Gotta run now, gotta wake up the pig and run off to meet Anthony for dinner. See ya!

Because I am so damn free in the middle of the night, and for once the TV isn't blaring away, I shall reveal my inner desire to learn Spanish.

¡Quiero aprender español!

Ok, that aside, I shall now try my hand at Spanish blogging.

Yo me olvidé lo que era que quise al blog.

I totally suck at this, but hey, I'm trying right?

Anyway, I really forgot what it was that I wanted to blog about. I had it in my head, but as usual when I sit down in front of the computer everything goes plok! And cue blank.

Will try to update when I remember.

Oh, and in case you're really free and would like to know what it was that I wrote in Spanish, try http://www.freetranslation.com/ .

Welcome, Rene, into the readership of Jazzyme's! For people who don't know him, his name's not pronounced as Ree-nee, but Re-nae (Sorry, that's the closest I can get to pronouncing your name in letters). He's an old friend of my sister's, a brother of sorts, so he used to be quite close to the family. Hello there! Well, haven't been up to much, just a lot of messing around and generally being a clown, how about you?

EhYa, Jazzyme hollaring all the way from Kenny's house! *Sorry for nigga' talk, he's got nigga' music on now and I'm feelin' like a nigga' bitch yo!*

Special thanks to April and Fie who extended their hugs when I was feeling down a couple of days ago. And Su for always trying to catch my attention in my tagboard (you're always on my mind sweetie Su).

Plan for the night: Marina Square for a movie and pool session. Everyone seems unenthusiastic.. Come on guys, it's a Friday night! Friday nights are MADE for going to far places (not that I consider Marina Square to be far, we have our bikes, remember?)

Oh and by the way, any of you sexy ladies out there wanna take up exotic dancing? I'm thinking of takig a class next year, and I hear that it would be better to attend it with a friend so you can practise together. Anyone?

Just received comment that my blog posts are getting fewer and further in between. Not to mention the fact that most recent ones are not making much sense. Anyway, this post is dedicated to you, Mr. Wacky Kid.

Passed my prac 5 yesterday, was so exhilerated that I hissed a silent "Yes!" and jumped up and down. The instructors were all staring at me as if I were some crazy hag.

Saw a few of my ex-schoolmates taking the same time slot that I had. There was this guy, Charles if I remember correctly. We sat at the same bench while the instructor briefed us about the test route, not talking to each other. Not even a "hi".

We went to the same nursery. We went to the same kindergarden. Heck, we went to both the same primary school and secondary school together. But somehow over the years, directly after we went to different classes in secondary school, we kind of just stop talking. So this guy next to me whom I spent most of my education with, is nothing more than just another stranger.

Sad, isn't it?

Did say hi to a few other friends but we went our own way after that.

My head feels as if its going to fall off anytime. My nose is running, it just grew tiny little legs one day and started running around. I haven't caught it since. My eyes are teary because I can't sneeze when I want to because I haven't caught my nose yet.

I'm having flu', lah!

Getting really tired of having to hug the toilet roll wherever I go. *lets go of almighty roar*

I just found out (only last night) that at a certain time, in certain weather, the moon shines down on my pillow. I'm not kidding. I've lived here for close to six years and this is the first time I know about it. I was messing around artistically in my room last night until 4am. Just two minutes after hitting the pillow I found that it seemed exceptionally bright. I opened my eyes and there it was! Peering out behind my curtains was the brightest and roundest moon I ever did saw. Moonshine flooded my vision and I felt a moment of blessing.

Usually my curtains hang down and cover ever inch of my window. But after I installed that clip-on lamp at my bedside I couldn't cover that tiny patch of window anymore. It's amazing how the moon could sneak in at such an amazingly coincidental angle. I am one of the very blessed few to have the moon shining down on me every night as I sleep. Isn't that something to be thankful for?

Things have been good with Kenny again, having let everything out and putting everything on the edge for a moment. Then I realized that Kenny's much too important to me to let my feelings override my thoughts, so everything's fine and dandy now.

Ain't life great (other that the bloody flu')?

Been writing lots of poems. (Note: still in bad mood mode so everything will be curt.)

Posted these in WLNY forum. Not pleased to show you another side of the relationship, but these are really how I feel.

Supression

Why is she still here
When I am in your room?
Her presence fills every corner
Her clothes
Her bags
Her shoes
Her makeup
All left as they were the day she was gone.
Have I not taken up the emptiness that she left behind?
Have I not done enough for you to love me wholly as someone different from her?
You said it was because of laziness
I did not pursue
But how lazy can one get to hurt the one he loves?
Excuses
Excuses
I don't want no excuses
It hurts deeply every time I step into your room
Every single time
It cuts like a blade deep into my already bleeding heart
Hast thou no conscience?
But I suppress
And I suppress
The hurt that I feel inside
Is exploding.

BOOM!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Unwhispered Resignation

A movie that went by unattended
A kiss that did not linger
A hug that reeked of habit
It was all groomed to perfection by her.

What I'd prefer when we meet:
A great big grin
A teddy bear hug
A passionate kiss
A "How was you day, dear?"

Instead, what I got was:
A nod of acknowledgement
A hint of a smile
The briefest of touches on my hip
And off you go to chitter-chatter enthusiastically with our friends.

What a good impression.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Jumble Of Thoughts

Don't tell me your past,
It is the present I care about.
Don't let me know how much you loved her,
It is how much you love me that I want to know.
How could it be that I feel resignation inside?
How could it be that I feel desolation inside?
This is not an emotional rollar coaster ride,
And yet I feel the ups and the downs
Every single day.

Like the hard surface of the mountainous granite
All rough and dark and cold.
My heart.
But with a single pinprick
Blood seeps like a freshly slaughtered lamb
Screaming and kicking and holding on for dear life
Oh the bittersweet trajectory of being the girl so easily gotten!
"得不到的女人，永远最好"

I didn't want to know, don't let me know
I'd rather live in my own world of fantasy
I just want to hollar and scream
"I DON"T WANT TO KNOW!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Depression

They say that when you cry all the time it's depression
They say that when you feel suicidal it's depression
They say that when you feel as if the world has nothing left for you
It's Depression.

They didn't say if its depression when you can't cry
Because tears don't come no matter how hard you try.
They didn't say if its depression when you can't scream
When your voice is all but gone and you can do nothing.

They didn't say if its depression when you know what's wrong
But can do nothing about it.
It's out of your control, out of your reach.
When all has been spilled out, yet everything is still inside
When no matter how hard you try, nothing seem to matter
Nothing seems to matter to him.

Here are the rest of the pictures that I hosted:















In a terribly horrible mood now. I don't want to elaborate anything else.

Warning: PMS mode - On.

Stay the fuck away from me.

Since the glitch with the hosting of pictures, I kinda' lost the enthusiasm for blogging everyday. Unless I know that I'm letting readers down by not posting as often, I won't be posting as often anymore.

Okay I'm going to try one more time to host the pictures...

Ha! Success! Here's what I hosted:

The little brat on my Ah Gong's lap on his 80th birthday celebration..



A very dear and cheeky cousin of mine



We're trying to make my cousin look like the luckiest man on Earth, but somehow he's just too shy.



Twin Towers and the mini people!



That's all I hosted for the moment, will be back to update when I edited, resized and hosted everything.

I'm not the type to start a blog post with "Oh, today was a happy day~!", but I feel like doing it now. Today was indeed a happy day!

Clubbing with Shawn and his colleagues, talked about bikes, drank, danced, and for once was still completely sober after I left them.

We first went to Fullerton's One on the third floor. Got simply too boring so we shifted to the second floor. Even more boring, not to mention cold.

Hopped to Liquid Room in the end, met Kegan! Haven't seen him for quite some time, he's the one I always go to Phuture and Velvet with.

Kenny fetched me from Liquid Room, while Shawn and company went to Mdm Wong's. He was waiting downstairs in his van while I finished chatting with Kegan.

*blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, skipping of events that I don't want to note down..*

We went off to Lower Seletar for a chat. Sitting on the ground, feeding those awfully cute rats, I think I'm addicted to Lower Seletar. Will make it a habit to go at least once a week (with someone, of course).

We talked about his friends and our friends, about Tioman, basically about those light-hearted subjects. Our topics are usually heavy, so it was quite refreshing for once to just feel all floaty and light-headed (or maybe it was because of the drinks) while chatting (and actually making sense).

We both got too tired to continue, so we decided to make our way back. There was already a slight drizzle, which transformed into rain once we got on the van.

Cruising along slowly in the rain, listening to cheesy oldies (hey, I like them!), was so romantic! It was the exact spice I needed. The rain continued all the way till we reached my block. When he stopped, he leaned over and gave me a long sweet kiss to the tune of Unchained Melody. Cheesy, I know, but I love it. He then told me to wait in the van while he went out into the rain himself to get me an umbrella. So sweet!

I got down from the van, he with one arm around me and the other covering my hand which was holding the umbrella, we walked in the rain together. For that short distance and time, I was totally in bliss. I couldn't think of anything else other than my adoration for this man standing next to me, loving me and protecting me.

And at the door, we got a secret surprise. I won't say it here, but if he reads this he'll understand what I means. What a spoiler!

I love you
I adore you
I want to spend the happiest moments of my life with you
I want to wake up in the morning and see your smiling face
I want to be the one you turn to whenever you have something on your mind
You know I love you,
You feel it too.
I love you, my dear Kenny
To the point of making a poem not sound like a poem at all

Darn, I suck at this. But who cares? I'll write what I want and how I want.

*still totally in bliss*

Okay, my bad, I didn't come in as promised. But how could you blame such a sweet girl like me?

What's been happening these few days.. hm... I don't seem to remember anything except that we went out a LOT, mostly consisting of half of the original supper kopi khakis.

Let me see how I can summarize everything. It would help if I could remember what happened and where I stopped. Anyway, the last thing I remember is going to Escape theme park and a steamboat at Anthony's house.

Something's wrong with the pictures and I'm too distracted to edit anything, so I won't be posting them up anytime soon. My sister's shifted the computer to her room, where it is situated right beside her blaring TV set and me being someone who is distracted very easily, I won't be able to blog as often anymore (unless she shifts the computer out to the living room, which will happen in like, another hundred years).

Anyway, will abandon the thought of trying to describe what happened these past few days, and will continue blogging as if nothing's happened. Ha!

Okay, okay, I know I'm bad for not coming in to update for such a long time. It's just that so much have been happening around me and that I've been simply too busy to do any postings and stuff.

Do forgive me.

Anyways, here's a picture for you to mull over.



Believe it or not, this lovely thing will be mine as soon as Anthony quotes me a price by Monday.

I won't be awfully busy on Monday, so I promise a nice long post by then. Keep watching!

I read back on my previous posts and realized that my recent posts are not doing Kenny any justice. It's all been affected by depression and sounds as if Kenny's been bullying me.

Well, you'll be glad to know that he's not. He is truly a great guy, who loves me probably as much as I love him, if not more. We've been spending quite some time together, and I'm happy to report that everything is going very well for the both of us.

He tucks me in the crook of his arm and talks to me until he falls asleep. He plants kisses on my forehead. He makes an effort to reach out to me in my darkest moments, no matter how small the matter that's been disturbing me is. He dotes on me like a princess sometimes, and I love the way he loves me.

I appreciate the small moments that we share that makes me truly happy. The ride home from my cousin's house. The fast food dinners. The romantic drive in Roger's car. The way he says "Hi darling" for nothing. His awfully cute habit of letting his hands hang over my knees at red lights. His sexy collar-bone. How thoughtful he is at times.

I wait in anticipation everyday for the moment I see him again, to discover more small romantic moments that we're going to share.

He will never do anything to hurt me if it's within his power. I trust him with my life.

Kenny. My Kenny. The Kenny I hold so dear and will never let go of.

My Kenny.

Slice me to ribbons
I can no longer breathe
Someone get me a gun please
I need a release

Shadows torment and torture
I can no longer see
Blood gushing out inside
My soul is torn asunder.

Emptiness has built a home in me
And I am all but hollowed out
Deception and secrecy has become a way of life
How much longer do I have to hide?

Confusion feeds like a savage
How could you have kept this from me?
Screams of silence penetrate my world
Darkness prevails, once again

I paint my face everyday in the hopes that it can mask the rawness inside. Everyday I go home with smudged mascara, the sign of crying, but I did not cry.

I've been wasting too much tears recently. I didn't know I could cry so much, as if I'm like any other normal girl. I never used to cry. Now my tears are all spent and I just feel this emptiness inside.

As I slowly trudged to work in the past few days, I lived in a world of my own. I noticed people staring, complimenting, but I didn't care. I just wanted the night to be over with. I just wanted to go home and lie in my bed and hide from the rest of the world.

Is there a reason for this, I hear you say. Do I need a reason to feel depression in such magnitude that I wish I could just throw myself off the cliff?

Work wasn't bad, drinks and smoke, but having to entertain people all the time when I don't feel like it is exhausting. But I have to go on. I need the money. I want to get my license done as soon as possible, and I want my SP or RR as soon as possible.

Where are my tagboard shit-stirrers? They make me feel good about myself. And Y, didn't you say you want nothing more whatsoever to do with me? Why are you still in my tagboard? Get a life, dude.

Missed bike shopping today. Slept all through. Dang, I wanted to see all those bikes!

This post is dedicated in reply to people on my tag-board.

Girl, I understand how you feel. I've been through the stage whereby I can't let go of some things. I shall explain why I am able to do it in my case. For the first guy, B, I was actually dying to let go because there was actually no love in the relationship. He hit me, girl, and not only once. It was a nightmare. Possessiveness, violence, you name it. He even stalked me for some time until a confrontation and two police reports later.

For the second guy, Y, there was no love in the relationship at all. There never was to begin with. It was actually a friendship in disguise. And seeing as how I got to know of his pettiness after the relationship, there's nothing left for me to hold on to.

Girl, some things are beautiful and meant to be remembered. If you can't let go, don't make yourself do so until you are ready. Remember only the good times, not the bad times, and that'll make yourself feel better. Imagine, there are so many people out there without having tasted love at all, and you are one of the lucky ones to have truly tasted it. Nothing is wasted, because to not be able to let go means that you both had many good memories right? Treasure them.

You will learn to let go in your own time. For the time being, occupy yourself with other things like friends, hobbies, work/study and stuff. The ache will soon dull. Good luck and remember that I'm here to help.

Doggie, I know you're jealous and stuff, but try to remember, you have your own life too. And whoever said that he doesn't love me? Oh he loves me alright, and I know it.

Su baby, why didn't you tell me earlier? Don't worry, I have to do outdoor day shots too, tell me when you're free, any time this week. We can go chill somewhere after that too, been ages since I last saw you.

Thanks people who have been supporting me, even in my tagboard, I appreciate it. Leave your email (as in msn) with your nick if you want to keep in contact.

This time all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
Cause I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone

I've seen enough
And it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

I didn't want to know.. gawd I wish I didn't read all that..

You know, my biggest problem is my insecurity. I never want to go back into that room again unless I'm ready and you're ready. It's still pretty much half of her room from the looks of it.

I never want to know about the past. I don't want to be dragged down by the past. I only want to look toward the future and somehow try to make everything seem better.

Maybe you thought letting me know your thoughts and feelings from the past would be good. Well you thought wrong. You've changed since then and all I gathered from your blog was insecurity.

I didn't want to know...

I even wonder if your nick was meant for me, or her.

If only I had read this thing before I got together with you. Now that I know, relationships seem bothersome to you. I would be someone extremely bothersome to you because of my insecurities. Should I make like a robot and bury all my bad feelings inside and continue the way everything is until I explode?

You just want a simple life. And here I come to complicate things. Oh shit, I feel so horrible now.

You can't forget her..

I was wrong for not telling you what I told Roger, but I've already explained why. I know you couldn't help, and you were already laden down with so many problems in your life that I could not bear to add on to it. I know you don't like the feeling of having other people knowing things that you do not know, but have you considered my feelings? Have you stood in my shoes?

Why is it that I put on a smiling face everyday even when I feel like tearing my heart out inside? Why is it that I look as if I am carefree all the time, with no problems at all? Why is it that I try to organize outings and gatherings all the time? Why am I always the one to appease?

Don't I have problems of my own? Don't I have a heart, don't I bleed too when my skin is punctured? Do I look like a robot to you?

I don't talk much about my problems because I know I am the only one who can solve them. There is absolutely no use to lament because that is not going to help at all.

I know I am horrible by making you sad in the second week of our relationship. Even after explaining why. Even after giving a perfectly good reason. We could've had a talk about this to clear things up between us instead of guilt-tripping each other.

Now I feel so horrible that I can't sleep. Perhaps we were both in a bad mood.

I love you too much to lose you, Kenny.

Due to unscrupulous people messing around with my tagboard and me not resisting the opportunity to shoot them, I've been skipping a few posts on how wonderful my life has been.

Kenny and his friends picked me up after work last Friday. As I got into his friend's minivan, Kasper slammed the door on my hand and I called out in pain. Kenny went into shock mode and Kasper felt so sorry! Anyways, don't worry, my fingers feel fine now except that the bone of my ring finger on my left still hurts a bit.

I had my photoshoots on Saturday with Kenny. Although I don't think I am allowed to post pictures from my portfolio here, but I think these are excusable.





Ta-da~! Darling Kenny. Isn't he absolutely gorgeous? My designated rider, photographer, boyfriend, supper khaki, boy, must be quite tiring for him.

'Neways, we were supposed to take day shots at upper Seletar when we captured this lovely sunset.







The very first sunset of my life, with the man I love so dear.

After messing around for awhile at upper Seletar, it got too dark to take day shots. We went to have dinner at this eccentric little place called Handle Bar, located at Alexandra road. Everything in that place was about motorbikes. The interior decor, shirts, toilets, bar, everything was covered with pictures related to bikes.

Two incredibly large portions of dinner, potato wedges and a jug of beer later, we were both stuffed. We went to Harborfront in hopes of it still being open for us to take my indoor shots, but it was too late. Our next destination: Mount Faber.

I had fun at the Merlion's, with different poses and stuff. Sneak peek:



After awhile, the battery of my old digicam went flat. I called Melvin in hope that he would lend me his digicam, and we waited for him at The Hill bar. Took this:



One of the best close shot, but its not gonna be in my portfolio cuz' portfolio photos have to be full body shots.

When it got too late and Melvin still wasn't anywhere in sight, we went back to Yishun and up to Melvin's house to get the camera from him. Melvin was in the same company as Kenny during BMT, and they haven't met since Melvin got posted out.

We chatted and messed around at Melvin's (and found out exactly why Melvin didn't come meet us for so long) until it was time to send his girlfriend home.

We stopped over at the underpass leading the Yishun MRT for our following shots. Sneak peeks:











Nice? You bet.

After both the cameras' batteries went flat and we were done with the photoshoot, I wanted breakfast and he wanted to change before going for breakfast, so we went to his house for him to change.

Spent a few hours on his bed.

hhmmm...... ^-^