My Plea

I know it's selfish of me to just run away and leave all you readers with nothing to read for a week, and then come back to pour out things that makes one feel even more unhappy. But what could I do? The computer is back in my sister's room, work is bugging me, my social life is bugging me, and I'm kind of starting to bug myself.

I hate it that I'm always the idiot. After seeing myself and my friends fall in relationships, shouldn't I have learned better to stay away from it? Should I have known better than to hope there really is true love?

How naive of me. To actually think that I had wanted to fill her shoes in her place. I guess I need my own pair of shoes to fill.

It's no one's fault but my own. I brought this upon myself. I knew about his past but undertook the relationship knowing full well that he's still scarred. Knowing full well that my insecurities would drag me back to square one.

I think by now there's a bruised and battered something resembling a heart beating in me. And if I don't learn how to protect myself soon, it'll get worse.

What can I say?

Can I stand in your shoes?
Could you stand in mine?
Tell me honestly how you feel.
I want to know.
I don't want to lose you.

I keep thinking about her more and more. Wondering.

What were they like together?

What would've happened had Kenny married her?

What was Kenny like when he was with her? Was he always like this or did he simply lose interest because of her?

Why... never mind.

"And so it is, like you said it would be."

Do I look blind to you? Or just plain dumb?

I've changed so much for him. Matured so much in this relationship. Put forward my best and yet.. my best is not enough. It is never enough. I know that I've already said this a lot of times but.. maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't care so much.

I think of him and all that I'm feeling makes me feel selfish to want to satisfy my own feelings and wants. I want to feel secure again. I want to be loved. I want to be treated like a precious princess and I want to do so much more.

What is love anyway? Can someone, anyone, please explain to me in detail: what is love? I know it's got something to do with wanting the best for someone, to care and cherish someone, but over the years, people have changed the meaning of love. Now it's become a mindless word for just wanting to be with a person whether or not that person is right for you.

Is he right for me?

Just received a phone call from Wilson, a long time friend whom I used to play basketball with back in secondary school. He wants a basketball session tomorrow evening with the rest of the gang. We haven't met for a year now, the last time I met them was during a gathering to sentosa.

Anyway, Wilson sounded so different! Where was that shy guy I used to know? Now he sounds so outgoing over the phone! I guess everybody's grown up in a way. Maybe Wilson just grew up too.

Anyway, treasure hunt today! We made this:



And this!



For the quest. We actually found the quest from a thread posted by a friend of mine a couple of weeks back, and out of boredom registered for it.

Woke up quite early for the thing, met up at Mac with the rest of the teammates Adrian and Daniel with Kenny and my sister for breakfast before heading off to Marina Bay for the meeting point. Kenny's first time taking public transport for over a year!



Memorable.

After getting shirts and messing around with the banner..



.. we got on the MRT with anticipation. We missed a stop! Lucky for us there were other groups on the train, and we knew something was wrong when they got off at City Hall. Anyway, the train to Harbourfront was almost empty..



.. which resulted to us messing around having a cabin to ourselves.

Went all the way to Sentosa where a cock-up was waiting for us, did some weird lame stuff and went on to our second destination to drink some truly disgusting stuff. After vomitting in one of the twin towers of the Southernmost Tip of Continental Asia (or something like that), we deciphered the third clue and went on to the Sentosa Office to play with jigsaw puzzles like kids again. I jumped into the sea at the forth station to collect ping pong balls from the sea.

End of summary of what should be a long and detailed blow-by-blow account of today's events because I am such a lazy girl.

There were four standard stations we had to pass, solving a clue before we get to know the next station's location. After passing all four stations, we had a puzzle challenge.



When we reached the ending point where all the puzzle action was, we were the 4th team. The first team to solve everything and run off is the winner. Guess who's team got first?



Us!

Our prize: $500 bucks and a spa voucher. Wowza!

The rest of the miscellenous pictures:









It was fun. If there were any more treasure quests or something like this I'd be happy to join again.

I know this post doesn't sound like the usual me because everything's coming out in bits and pieces and everything's all jumbled up in my mind so they all come out that way. I'm sick and I'm tired and I need sleep. Maybe my next post won't sound so airy, eh?


"i don't want to see i don't want to know i don't want to care i don't want to touch that thing i know where that came from i know why its still with you i don't know how i know but i just do its a female's sixth sense i guess. i don't want to see i don't want to know i don't want to care i don't... i know."

I skipped work today. No reasons, no excuses, nothing. I just slept like a log when the alarm rang.

Didn't go to work last week too, but there's a reason for that. Roger was the only one who got so worried that he actually came up to look for me. I was so touched the moment I saw him standing outside my door.

My best friend.

Anyway, nothing interesting to report, except that we went to a kawa outing.



Kenny found a brother there



A glimpse of the crazy riders



Along Kranji dam



Nice bike! Very comfortable too.. more comfortable than my Dante Mito!



Walking around..





Nice bike, nice couple.



The bike that got into an accident at Devil's bend.



Pictures do tell a thousand words, don't they?

Anyway, I know I have seriously been neglecting my blog for the past month, and I do apologise for all you disappointed readers. I really will try to update as often as I can.

Life with Kenny's fine and dandy, just a weeny bit of insecurities creeping in. But I'll get rid of that soon, I won't let the past jeopardize what I have in the here and the now. Sometimes in love, it is vital to think only of the here and the now, instead of what might have been had I not went barging into his life.

On the MRT alone one day (I forgot to where), a few couples were on the same train as me. The guys kept looking at me and their counterparts kept pulling their attention back to themselves because they didn't want their guys to look. Poor girls, having to keep their guys in check whenever another female is in sight. This may or may not happen to me, but hey, he's free to look as long as he doesn't touch. I can't control his eyeballs anyway.

On the same train full of couples, some good looking and some not, there was this fairly normal looking couple. They weren't as good-looking as the other couples, but what drew my attention to them was that they had a pram before them. Both were happily cooing into the pram and they kept looking at each other with real love-filled eyes. This was the sweetest most special couple that made one felt truly happy just looking at them. I wish they stay in love that way all through their lives.

This is the period of time during work whereby you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO but to stone in front of the computer. Might as well blog, eh?

Sorry to all who worried about me on Tuesday, I'm fine now. And sorry about my last post, was kinda' in a depressed mood when I wrote that. Me and lazyChoo are fine now, thank you very much.

Work's good, life's good, but everything's getting monotonous. Every single day slips by so fast without me having accomplished anything except working mindlessly. Ah well. When I save up enough money I'll be taking a private diploma so maybe I'm not wasting my time after all.

Gawd, you won't be able to imagine the amount of males here who have the RES (Roaming Eyes Syndrome). You only have to be a female in their presence and you'll automatically feel the famed "scan". Up and down, back and front. Makes one kind of wish that the law did not forbid one to dig out other people's eyes.

Courier's here! Gotta run!

Here I go.. screaming my lungs out.. to try to get to you..

Here I go.. wanting you to know how I feel when you say things like that..

Here I go.. failing miserably to gather up the courage to face up to you..

Here I go.. not daring to tell you what's wrong..

Here I go.. unable to tell you what went wrong..

And letting the matter go because I am so close to tears..

Please have patience with me..

I understand that you have your own problems, your own stress, your own fears..

But I have them too.

Please try to understand that I am so close to breaking down.

Please understand that it hurts so bad that I can no longer find words to describe how I feel now.

But I don't wanna give up.

I will never give up on you.

Here I go.. screaming my lungs out.. but in silence

Here I go... ... ...