Nowhere To Go


No one to talk to. So I'm talking to you :)

Shouldn't have expected any less from him, seeing as everyone else in the world is treating me like shit recently, but I did. Which brings me to higher heights to dash me down harder.

Everyone else in the world could hate me, and I wouldn't feel a thing. But not him.

We haven't talked since Tuesday night. And you know what? We didn't even quarrel. We had an argument about his friends (again) and Mr C (who shall henceforth be known as HWSNBN).

It didn't even start out as an argument about his friends.

He was just talking about his poor colleague whose girlfriend forbids him to meet his friends over dinner on Tuesday.

Clarification #1: I do not forbid him to meet his friends. I just don't want to be dragged along to places I don't want to go or forced to conform to groups that I do not belong to. But he is free to go, which he doesn't want to without me, which he then blames me for separating him from his friends.

So I asked him if he was happy where we were. As with any topic about his friends, he gets sensitive and it spirals out of control. From group cultures to conformity, to getting pushed around by HWSNBN* (he actually likes it), we ended up sitting in my living room and he went on about how sad HWSNBN's life is, and that's why he's a douchebag and we should forgive him for it.**.

* This is for the ladies. Girls, will you like having your man pushed around? Won't he seem less of a man when he doesn't do anything about it and stops you from doing so? Even if it wasn't for the love you have for him, it's for the self-respect you have for both yourself and him. When he is actually OK with being pushed around and still goes back for more, you somehow lose whatever respect you have for him as a man.

** Douchebags aren't born. They're cultivated. A sad life story isn't an excuse for douchebaggyness. Everybody has a sad story, most people become better people because of it. But when people choose to become douchebags, you know they're the ones to avoid. Just like how my white brother has turned into a douchebag and we're avoiding him. I could easily go back for more and let him outcast me from the group like he does, but I actually have self-respect.

Clarification #2: I admit, I do bitch about HWSNBN a lot. But that's because he is a horrible person. It's just like Guy A pisses me off, and I bitch about how horrible Guy A is. And because we're always together, of course I'm going to bitch about Guy A to HIM. I'm sure he doesn't want me to bitch about Guy A to other guys right? Also, the whole wide world bitches about HWSNBN, even him. He sometimes bitches to me about what a douchebag that guy is, so why am I condemned (yet) again for voicing out my views on that guy?

The shit thing is, I wasn't even focusing on his friends, or HWSNBN. I was focusing on Us. Us, as in me and him. Us, as in the people in this relationship.

I just wanted to know if he was happy where we were, and how we could improve things, and I wanted to make him feel better by showing him other points of views, trying to make him understand, which he took to be me forcing my thinking on to him.

Clarificatin #3: I am not forcing my views on him. I just want him to see what I see when things happen around me. Instead, he thinks I'm forcing my views on him. He doesn't see that he's forcing his will on me when he forces me to go out with people I don't consider to be my friends.

He keeps saying that he understands what I'm trying to say, but he doesn't. Sure he understand the words coming out of my mouth, but he doesn't get the point of what I'm saying and why I'm saying it. Why would I keep repeating what I've said before countless of times if I didn't have a point, or if he understood the point way before?

"How many years have we been quarrelling about this?"

It's because you never understood me before. Or even made the effort to try to understand. You just keep saying that you understood, you understood, you understood. But you never ever did. You keep dragging it back to you, back to him, back to the group. It was never about me.

So we were having this talk in my living room. Actually, he was the one doing the talking. I got so sick of being interrupted that I decided to try a different approach. I let him talk all he wanted without interrupting him. He went on for a long time, with me being quiet on the other end of the couch.

When he was done, he asked what I had to say. I simply said that I was waiting for him to finish what he had to say.

What I meant to do was to wait for him to finish whatever he had to say without interrupting him, so I could say my piece without being interrupted. I had taken mental notes at points in which I had wanted to intervene but didn't for the sake of not interrupting him. I too had a long piece to say.

But I never got the chance.

As soon as I said that I was waiting for him to finish his piece, he got up and walked off, saying that he doesn't want to waste his breath on me anymore.

Which might not seem much to you, but its mighty hurtful to me. We have this agreement to never walk off angry during an argument. And to never let an argument drag overnight.

I sat in the living room for hours after that waiting for him to come back so we could finish the talk, but he never did. Looks to me like he gave up. He might have thought that he knew what I wanted to say; he might have thought that he understood, but he never did.

We haven't talked since.

I'm supposed to be angry at him for not following through on his demands of me to never walk out during an argument and to finish things on the spot. I'm supposed to be angry at him for not waiting it out to listen to what I have to say. I'm supposed to be angry at him for dragging (yet again) the topic of us to include people who are not in the relationship with us.

But for some reason, he is angrier than me.

I'm sick and tired of being the reasonable one. I'm sick and tired of being the one who's trying to open communication channels when he's not. I'm sick and tired of NOT being the selfish one. I'm sick and tired of holding together this wreck we call communications. I'm sick and tired of being the one who's desperately holding on to the passion in the relationship.

If you don't want to waste your breath anymore, that means we're done communicating.

We're done.