Emptiness


There will always be an emptiness inside of you. Inside of all of us.

This blog is a very good example. For the years upon years that I've blogged, and the miniscule amounts that have affected you, my dear reader, it ultimately boils down to this - nothing.

When you read back at past achievements, past failures, past ups and past downs, you see only stories. So do I. I don't feel what I felt when I wrote those words so many years ago. I, like you my dear reader, have grown up and out of what I thought was an empty shell. We've all grown up together, pulled through joys and sorrows.

I thought that if I fulfilled my dreams, I will no longer be empty. I thought that if I took what I felt was the correct path to happiness, I will no longer be empty. I thought that simply by trying to live the perfect life, I will no longer be empty. I was wrong.

I got what I always wanted - a man who loves and values me more than his own life. A dream bike - the Suzuki GSXR 750. A dream house near to my mother's. Two perfect dogs. A whole bunch of friends that I have a love-hate relationship with.

And yet...

I still feel the emptiness inside.

I am sometimes envious of the young girl inside of me, who used to laugh and brood over the smallest of matters. The young girl who would be affected emotionally over almost every single thing that happens to her. I can no longer feel joy. I can no longer feel sorrow. I can no longer be bothered with anger. It just feels like there's a black hole inside of me, swallowing up every emotion before I have a chance to process or feel it.

I give myself every opportunity to relive what it feels like to have feelings again, but it all comes around to bite me in the ass. If I have the free rein to explore those feelings, maybe I wouldn't be so empty inside.

I recently met an old, old friend. You know, sometimes when you meet old friends whom you've not met for awhile, your actions and mentality will go back to that age at which you hung out with that friend? Well I met this friend when I was in primary school, and then again at age 18 for awhile.

He arouse a mirage of feelings inside of me, most of which are directed at my own self. Because of his appearance, I started questioning my own self worth. I started questioning who I've become. I've started questioning the choices I've made. And I realised that.... I'm miserable.

I don't have people I can rely on to talk about my feelings, other than my boyfriend, who is usually the catalyst of my moods so I can't really tell him everything. I have 2 people I can talk to, but not rely on, and it's not their fault because they have their own lives too. I have a whole bunch of friends in my clique (well actually there are 6 of us), none of which I can pour my heart out to.

And I can only stare helplessly, as I watch my life spiral deeper and deeper down this vortex, probably never to return.

Help me.