Monday, March 12, 2007

It's a sad thing


When a mother has to fulfil a promise made to her daughter by her daughter's boyfriend just to make her daughter happy.

Isn't it awfully sad?

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"Would you rather be with someone you can live with or with someone you can't live without?"

I know this quote has been around for a long time, but I just felt like quoting this now.

Maybe we both just haven't found the person that we can't live without.

No wait. You have. You can't live without your best friend, so I think you've already found one.

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Picnic was great! I missed you guys.

Seng, Yong Chuan, Jiahe and kopi less sugar(newest addition).

Had fun. We should do this more often.

*UPDATED w/ photos 13-03-07*

A relatively artistic photo of Jiahe with kopi less sugar (or as he calls it officially, Cobi.)

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Yong Chuan playing with kopi less sugar

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Some kuku playing with my crutches.

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Fun right?

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I love Michael Bolton


When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby I am a man
When a man loves a woman
Bird food


Andy: "If my girlfriend was hurt and told me to go away and leave her alone, even if she chased me out with a broom I would not have left."

I haven't been able to take care of my birds properly these past two weeks.

I've ran out of bird food since god knows when. Been feeding them millet sprays and fruits.

As I tried calling people to help, nobody was able to. Either they had something else on, or they totally don't pick up.

I feel so helpless. I can't even take care of myself properly now, much less my pets. They depended on me and I let them down.

I, am going out on my crutches to buy bird food at Yishun Central.

If I can do this on my own, I can do anything on my own from now on. I don't need anybody to survive. I don't need you.


Hopefully I'll be back in time to meet up with Ah Seng. We're going to have a picnic.
Tired


Much as I'd like to let go, you've earned your chance.

However, tonight will not be forgotten.

And to think my grandma had thought that you'd be here and bought food for you.

Ah well, whatever, I'm not caring.
Victory!


I made two significant (to me) victories today.

One. I can almost stand on my right foot.

I kept pushing myself to ignore the pain and force stepped with my right foot. Slowly, of course. I can let it touch the ground, and with my gigantic ass against the wall, I can lift off my left foot!

One small step for me, one gigantic step for mankind! (Ok, I didn't know where that came from.)

I tried using the support of one crutch and walk, but I couldn't get my ankle to bend. And from two weeks of misuse, my walking muscles are gone cased. I took one step with my right. Put it on the floor. Lift off my left foot and... crumbled.

However, my progress is steady. I believe I can start walking within the next three days.

If you believe in yourself, anything is possible.

And two. I finally went out for the first time in two weeks.

To the Yishun Dam! Stan took me there on his Hayabusa, and I balanced the top of my crutches on his oil tank, carrying the body of the crutches against me.

Stanley and Shirley were there, so were Andy and Murphy and some dudes I'm not close with. After the rest went off for supper leaving Stan and Shirl and me, Andrew and his father came with their CBR and MT01.

Not much races to see today, just a couple of wannabes with P plates spewing smoke everywhere in their bid to see who could reach the next hump first.

I was there for five whole hours, and smoked more than all two weeks combined together. Shiok! Fresh air outside (maybe not so, we were facing some factories in Malaysia) really did me good.

Lazychoo came a short while after Tommy, and sent me home. Thanks for setting aside your pride to come and pick me up.

Anyway, YAY! I am still so psyched! And to think that I never actually was this excited about going just to the dam. I love you Yishun Dam!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

It's Saturday night


Still stuck at home.I've exhausted all my cartoons. Twice.

Some people are fighting downstairs.

I feel so helpless. Can't even clear my own table without help.

Stan's offered his bike for transport to the dam, but I kind of figured that if I couldn't stand on my right leg, I sure as hell won't be able to pillon on a bike with it.

Anyone with a car. Please. Please. I want to go out.

I could take the alternative and take a cab to the dam, but it'll be really weird. Who the hell takes cabs to dams anyway?

Cripples, that's who.

I am a cripple. Oh god, I am a cripple.
Crazy people


In the middle of a serious conversation,

JS:
there is a man
and a fish
and this fish says to this man
"What would happen if all the men in this world became fish?"
You know what the answer is?


....there'd be MORE (fishes).

Nice. Very nice.

JS later salvaged himself by promising to be there for me when I start crying after this anger.

Thanks for being there for me, JS. ^-^

Friday, March 09, 2007

Life's gonna be hard from here on out


Myabe just a bit harder by myself.

But with hope, I believe I am strong enough!

Okay, that was just to cheer myself up, but it's working. Heh.

Gambatte!
It's Friday night


And I am stuck at home alone.

Oh god I feel so pathetic.

*sobs*
Helpless


I had an accident.

I am now in pain. I can't make my way to the toilet painlessly.

I am worried to death about work. I haven't been in to work for nearly two weeks.

I have to redress my wounds every night, and am worried about running out of supplies.

My birds are hungry. My dog missed her nightly walk last night.

My bike is now seriously damaged. I have to settle the damages soon.

I need to do something about the insurance. I don't know what.

I enrolled for my 2A before the accident, and have missed a lesson since then.

I am doing all of these alone.

My boyfriend stepped on me at my lowest point.

I need more MC by Monday.

I haven't gone out for a long time.

I can't get my right ankle straight. I can't stand on my right foot.

The yellowish liquid is coming out of the deepest puncture. I am worried that the doctor will have to scrub it again on Monday.

I sprained my other ankle.

I am so damn worried about.........

I.. am breaking down.

Please.. let me die.
Sometimes I just feel that..


... you don't love me at all.

You don't care about my feelings.

I try to understand how hard work has been for you.

Do you understand how hard this period of time is for me?

No, you don't.

There you go to sleep again, leaving me with nowhere to pour out my heart to, except my blog.

Then again....

Hello, Han. ^-^

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Famous Amos


"Intrigue; desire; says:
accident
lose ability to walk
lost bf
lost faith
lost hope
wish i died in the accident"

"Bored says:
hey
one thing u wont lose , its my friendship ^^
hope that count"


Thank you, Amos. It means the world to me.
Picking up the pieces


...
You know what I found out today?


Stewie Griffin speaks with a slightly noticeable lisp. Most people would overlook it, him using babytalk with a distinct British accent and all.

Oh geez, I'm way too bored. Watching old episodes of Family Guy at home when I should be in the midst of the chaos we call work.
Flashback


We passed by Lentor on our way back just now.

In the car. A car cuts from the left. Another one. A bike cuts at the exact spot I had the accident.

Flashback. Cab coming nearer. The shiny yellow surface.

BANG!!!!!!

Can't get the sound out of my ears. It repeats, over and over and over again.

BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!

Mocking me.

Rolling on the floor. Again and again. And again. Helmet still on. Slingbag missing.

Sitting dazed. Screaming.

And screaming.

Won't someone come and help me?

Please.

Help me.


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Mr Durian came over today. He bought a book for me. How nice.

We spent the hour talking about religion, life, studies, more religion.

It was nice of him to drop by.

I'm so goddamned lonely.


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I'm out of gauze swabs.

Didn't redress my wounds today.

Mom doesn't know what to get. CS busy. Ant's overseas.

Somebody please help me get the gauze swabs?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Weird Dreams


You know sometimes how dreams can affect you badly, perhaps leave a mark for the rest of your life?

Like horrible nightmares when we were kids. Kids are very much prone to nightmares.

What was your nightmare like? Monsters, running for your life, falling off high places and waking up right before you hit the ground?

I've had my share of those, and more. I remember clearly this one dream I had when I was 5 or 6. My mom, sis and me were involved in an accident, and somehow we returned as ghosts. Not the scary kind, but the stuck in limbo kind.

The rest of the extended family held a funeral for us near the forest (don't ask me why). And as a child watching too much TV I believed that the mahjong tables should always have one "open" side for the departed (i.e us). As we arrived at the funeral I made the leaves blowing in the wind effect (by actually throwing them around with my hands) and went to sit down at one of the mahjong tables. Being so young I obviously didn't know how to play, but in my dream I could.

Suddenly my grandma called out to me. She could see me. And suddenly the rest of the family could too. As I turned sobbing into her arms, I woke up.

Even today that dream is clear as day.

I used to be a sprinter for my schools, both primary and secondary. I have trophies all the way up to secondary 2 for sprinting. From secondary 2 onwards, the trophies gradually became awards for other stuff, like high jump and long distance running or cross country. Why?

During my secondary 2 period I kept having recurring dreams. Dreams of being chased, or there was a need to rush to somewhere. Horrible things keep happening when I ran. The feeling of floating comes first, then horrible things happened.

Once, when I was training on my sprinting during a training session of the atheletics club I joined as a CCA, the same floating sensation overcame me. I could not run. From then on I never did. I was shifted to long distance division and high jumping.

I still don't dare to sprint, even until now.

Ah Yang korkor has been gone for more than two years now, and yet I still dream of him occasionally. For example, last night. I don't remember much about it in detail except that someone's relative who passed away came back. He said he wasn't exactly dead, the doctor made a wrong diagnosis. He had woken up in the coffin and just opened it and walked right out. Then they hugged.

I woke up right after that still believing that the same had happened to Ah Yang korkor. I panicked and wanted to jump right out of bed to tell my Godmum about it, because the coffin is air-tight and he can't breathe. Then it hit me hard in the face, the fact that he's been embalmed, placed inside the coffin and cremated already. I'm too late.

I couldn't stop sobbing for a long time after I woke up.

I do miss him.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Sometimes..


...just sometimes.

I wish I'd never gotten up from the accident.

I wish the second impact had happened.

I wish that everything ended on that day.

... Sometimes.
Weird.


Did anyone else feel the Earth shake?

I felt my whole bed shaking and thought I was unbalanced because one of my leg was on the floor.

Then my wind chime made of shells started shaking too. The flowers Lazychoo bought me that was hanging near the shells started moving side to side.

What the hell?
Trust


Tell me what your defination of trust is. I've really lost direction.

Tell me. Please.

Because last night as I saw a familiar name that was supposed to be taboo, I felt nothing. Numb, actually. I've kind of already expected it somewhat.

I tried putting myself in your shoes to try to reason, but I can really find no more reasons to help you.

To put it simply, you can only push a girl so far until there is no point of return, no matter what you do.

You have no conscience.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Full coverage on the accident


This is like, way overdue. I owe you loyal readers and concerned friends an explaination.

You see I still can't sit upright for long because the nausea would set in. I've only been able to msn some of you. The rest of you who msn-ed me and got no reply, I was either redressing my bandages or the keyboard was out of reach.

Of those times that I did blog, it was well into the night in a fit of anger at having found out certain ugly things about certain ugly people. I guess with the anger came the rush of blood into my temples, pulsating while I typed, so I didn't notice the nausea much.

I know this is a puny excuse for not giving you guys a report sooner, so even though I am on the verge of vomiting now, I shall leave out no details.

Time and date was around 7pm at Lentor, on the way back from work on Tuesday 27 Feb.

I was happily rolling along, squeezing a bit of traffic, when this beige coloured old looking (either that or it's terribly dirty) car started following me very closely.

Not exactly tailgating, more like trying to make a direct collision with my tail fairing. In a bid to lose the car, I changed lane from the second to the first, which is on the right of the road.

Due to my nervousness, I kept looking into my rearview mirror at the car, which was changing lane together with me, that I didn't notice that there was a stationary citycab in front. By the time I saw it, it was too late.

I hit the brakes and tried to swerve, but the dirty/old beige car was overtaking me on the left, so I had nowhere to swerve. Next thing I heard was a BANG! and I flew off my bike.

I was skidding and rolling along on the floor when I noticed a car, still going behind me. I was already waiting for the second impact, but thank goodness that car stopped in time.

Everything in my mind was the exact same as when I had the accident in September. My mind was blank. Totally and blissfully blank. And although everything happened too fast, I still remember looking up in mid skid, seeing my bike lying down on it's right and skidding towards the signpost in super slow motion.

It's funny how people think of the strangest things during the strangest events. While still in mid skid (gawd, I must've skidded pretty darn far) voices flashed in my mind. Lazychoo was saying that thank god he had his Levi's on during that accident in September. Levi's jeans protected a lot of bikers during their accidents. When Lazychoo's voice died away, I remembered that earlier on in the day I was still thinking that I've finally found a pair of Levi's jeans that I like so much, as opposed to my dislike for their previous designs. Which then reminded me that I had my Levi's on, so I was thanking my lucky stars and expecting to see nothing more than small holes on my knee.

Next thing I remember was screaming my head off while people gathered around me. There was a silver Diversion with a malay couple, and the woman came to ask how I am. People talking in all directions, asking questions and talking to each other. The scene was so confusing that I screamed again (and probably scared the hell out of all of them).

I looked down. The right pant-leg from knee down of my Levi's was completely torn apart, held together with only a thin strip still connected to the jeans. Underneath the cloth, were scratches all down my right leg. I even pulled open a patch of flesh on my knee to dig out some road debris. Everything was numb. Well at least I could still hobble.

Mistake. I couldn't. I sat down at the side of the road and called for bikebulance to tow my bike away. Then I messaged Lazychoo and pretty much the rest of the group in Yishun that I am close to.

The driver of a Nissan car in front which my bike had scratched drove me to the clinic nearby, where CS was already waiting for me. Why didn't I go to a hospital? Because I am scared of rushing doctors and rude nurses.

Trust me, I've worked in a hospital before.

Anyhoo, CS helped me into the clinic where the nurse helped me clean up while I laughed and talked and asked questions. To take my mind off the accident, CS made me talk to him continuously. When I stopped to gasp for air, he hurried me to keep talking.

Anthony, Lazychoo and Roger and his girlfriend arrived not long after. While I asked the nurse for an ice-cream Anthony ran out to get me a coke. Lazychoo himself was in too much of a shock to keep me talking, so I had to concentrate on the pain.

Mom came not long after too, and chided me for still being able to laugh and joke after the accident. Look, me laughing doesn't mean I am happy. It means I am masking the pain so others won't feel it too.

After awhile, mom found Onn sitting outside. He was here to get an MC for not going to school that day. Onn came in and laughed at me for awhile before going back outside and letting the doctor finish bandaging me up.

I was given a 5 day MC, and painkillers to take home. Roger drove me home while CS, Anthony and Lazychoo took their rides respectively to my home, where we had a celebration by eating McDonald's and BBQ chicken in my sister's room.

Thanks to you guys who came to the rescue on such short notice. *hugs*

After they left, mom saw blood dripping from my bandages. As we scrambled to find where the blood was coming from, it leaked out everywhere. Lazychoo unwrapped the bandages and changed new gauzes and found out that the blood was coming from a deep puncture on my knee.

It wouldn't stop bleeding, well into the next night. And even now, when you take off the bandages, a little bit still leaks out. I guess I hit a big vessel or something. Ow.

The next few days were spent in agony where I hobbled around with crutches. Even the most simplest of things, like going to the toilet was a chore. Thank goodness for Lazychoo, who stood beside me all the way and on a few occasions, caught me in time to prevent me from falling.

Different people came and went. Onn came on the second day to deliver some gauze and helped Lazychoo redress my wounds. Stan and Shirl came to deliver a toy flower and medical advice. Vik, Andrew and Anthony came to laugh at me. Samuel came to help me do up my life and personal accident insurance. Obviously, Grandma and Grandpa on my paternal side came to deliver home-cooked porridge. Grandma on my maternal side came to deliver snacks and stuff. Godmum also came. Other people wanted to come but I turned them down. Don't really want people to see me in this state.

Seng, whom I visited in hospital a few weeks back wanted to come and deliver flowers, but was turned down on account that he himself had not fully recovered from his lung infection. Leeling jiejie was forbidden to come on account that she had just recovered from her high fever. Others were turned down simply because I needed my rest!

Sorry to you guys who wanted to come but couldn't. I know you guys are concerned. Sorry to those whom I couldn't reply to on msn. I owe all of you ice-cream.

Every night, the changing of the bandages was the most difficult thing to do. Thank goodness Lazychoo was there to help me. I had to take out the gauze and the ST dressing (a sort of a criss cross thingy to prevent the gauze from sticking to the wound, which isn't very effective anyway) slowly and torturously because of the skin sticking to the gauze through the ST dressing. Then we had to redress them, with Lazychoo applying an ointment called the Tetracyline, supposedly to clean up something, over the ST dressing, and after putting on a fresh set of gauze, bandage them.

This procedure sometimes take up to two hours, so usually before he arrives after work I'd start taking them out myself, so that when he reaches he doesn't have to wait with me for so long. Either that or he plays PS2 while I slowly take out the bandages. But there was never a day without my Lazychoo.

Mom and sis and people sent me all sorts of goodies. Candies and chocolates and chips and toys and even a basket of Brand's chicken essence. Most of the chocolates were polished off by Lazychoo, the great chocolate eater.

Bathing was a chore, but I learnt to do it with a chir. I never exactly appreciated the ability to take a shower, and how good it feels, but I do now. I'm actually dying to take a shower everyday because I still feel so dirty from the crash.

The memory of the accident is still fresh in my mind. Everytime my mind takes me on a spin back to the scene it scares me so much, as if I were at the actual scene at that time. I can't get the image of the cab out of my mind. I can't get that loud crash out of my ears. I can't stop fearing that the car behind me won't stop. I can't get the image of my beloved bike skidding away from me.

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Scary.

So that's all for the report for now, I fear I've made this post too long.

In the end, I just want to thanks my mom, my sis and Lazychoo for being so supportive and helpful during this period of time.

I love you guys!