My Plea

I know it's selfish of me to just run away and leave all you readers with nothing to read for a week, and then come back to pour out things that makes one feel even more unhappy. But what could I do? The computer is back in my sister's room, work is bugging me, my social life is bugging me, and I'm kind of starting to bug myself.

I hate it that I'm always the idiot. After seeing myself and my friends fall in relationships, shouldn't I have learned better to stay away from it? Should I have known better than to hope there really is true love?

How naive of me. To actually think that I had wanted to fill her shoes in her place. I guess I need my own pair of shoes to fill.

It's no one's fault but my own. I brought this upon myself. I knew about his past but undertook the relationship knowing full well that he's still scarred. Knowing full well that my insecurities would drag me back to square one.

I think by now there's a bruised and battered something resembling a heart beating in me. And if I don't learn how to protect myself soon, it'll get worse.

What can I say?

Can I stand in your shoes?
Could you stand in mine?
Tell me honestly how you feel.
I want to know.
I don't want to lose you.

I keep thinking about her more and more. Wondering.

What were they like together?

What would've happened had Kenny married her?

What was Kenny like when he was with her? Was he always like this or did he simply lose interest because of her?

Why... never mind.

"And so it is, like you said it would be."

Do I look blind to you? Or just plain dumb?

I've changed so much for him. Matured so much in this relationship. Put forward my best and yet.. my best is not enough. It is never enough. I know that I've already said this a lot of times but.. maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't care so much.

I think of him and all that I'm feeling makes me feel selfish to want to satisfy my own feelings and wants. I want to feel secure again. I want to be loved. I want to be treated like a precious princess and I want to do so much more.

What is love anyway? Can someone, anyone, please explain to me in detail: what is love? I know it's got something to do with wanting the best for someone, to care and cherish someone, but over the years, people have changed the meaning of love. Now it's become a mindless word for just wanting to be with a person whether or not that person is right for you.

Is he right for me?