Paradox

Following my previous post which puts me one notch above emotionless, I thought I could be hurt anymore. Seems like I can.

Seems like I've spent so much time building walls up against Lazy that I've neglected to protect my back. So the very vulnerable wall-less side of me was like a free-for-all hunting-season shooting ground.

And shoot they did.

With the aid of Lazy, my mother took a shot at me today which shattered the once strong wall in front of me. For some reason, she always knows where my weakest points are and charges full force into them. She always knows the worst thing to say to break my spirit.

It feels like I've stepped into a paradox where everything is topsy-turvey. Everything that was perfect was now dim and dark and grey. Everything I've believed in, or tried to anyway, was now rushing back at me in the face, yelling out the truth of everything I ever pretended wasn't.

I say what I say because everyone around me demands explaination for everything I do. And if I don't fulfil what I say within a short period of time, they say I only like to talk big. Along the way they threw in some discouragement too, for good measure, just to prove that they were right.

I personally feel that I am not doing a bad job. I am not completely useless. I started working since 12 and have acquired a powerful resume. I am equipped with skills that most people at my age don't, and I have the fucking ability to climb. I just choose not to because I want to spend more time with my dogs. Is it so fucking hard to understand?

I know that my theories and my thinking and my way of life may not be conventional, but it is to the best of what I think is right - striking a balance. Who are you to say that I am useless?

Using Lazy's words, the only person I've just began to trust again, breaks the bond between me and him. Are you happy now? Do you feel happy every single time you found the worst possible thing to say that makes me want to jump out the window in the worst possible way?

You make me sick. I hope I never become like that.

At this point, I actually don't care anymore. Some part of me actually saw this coming from far, far away. It's ok, you guys can continue to misunderstand me. Ah well.

Back to my cartoons.