Crazy people


In the middle of a serious conversation,

JS:
there is a man
and a fish
and this fish says to this man
"What would happen if all the men in this world became fish?"
You know what the answer is?


....there'd be MORE (fishes).

Nice. Very nice.

JS later salvaged himself by promising to be there for me when I start crying after this anger.

Thanks for being there for me, JS. ^-^

Life's gonna be hard from here on out


Myabe just a bit harder by myself.

But with hope, I believe I am strong enough!

Okay, that was just to cheer myself up, but it's working. Heh.

Gambatte!

It's Friday night


And I am stuck at home alone.

Oh god I feel so pathetic.

*sobs*

Helpless


I had an accident.

I am now in pain. I can't make my way to the toilet painlessly.

I am worried to death about work. I haven't been in to work for nearly two weeks.

I have to redress my wounds every night, and am worried about running out of supplies.

My birds are hungry. My dog missed her nightly walk last night.

My bike is now seriously damaged. I have to settle the damages soon.

I need to do something about the insurance. I don't know what.

I enrolled for my 2A before the accident, and have missed a lesson since then.

I am doing all of these alone.

My boyfriend stepped on me at my lowest point.

I need more MC by Monday.

I haven't gone out for a long time.

I can't get my right ankle straight. I can't stand on my right foot.

The yellowish liquid is coming out of the deepest puncture. I am worried that the doctor will have to scrub it again on Monday.

I sprained my other ankle.

I am so damn worried about.........

I.. am breaking down.

Please.. let me die.

Sometimes I just feel that..


... you don't love me at all.

You don't care about my feelings.

I try to understand how hard work has been for you.

Do you understand how hard this period of time is for me?

No, you don't.

There you go to sleep again, leaving me with nowhere to pour out my heart to, except my blog.

Then again....

Hello, Han. ^-^

Famous Amos


"Intrigue; desire; says:
accident
lose ability to walk
lost bf
lost faith
lost hope
wish i died in the accident"

"Bored says:
hey
one thing u wont lose , its my friendship ^^
hope that count"


Thank you, Amos. It means the world to me.

Picking up the pieces


...

You know what I found out today?


Stewie Griffin speaks with a slightly noticeable lisp. Most people would overlook it, him using babytalk with a distinct British accent and all.

Oh geez, I'm way too bored. Watching old episodes of Family Guy at home when I should be in the midst of the chaos we call work.

Flashback


We passed by Lentor on our way back just now.

In the car. A car cuts from the left. Another one. A bike cuts at the exact spot I had the accident.

Flashback. Cab coming nearer. The shiny yellow surface.

BANG!!!!!!

Can't get the sound out of my ears. It repeats, over and over and over again.

BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!

Mocking me.

Rolling on the floor. Again and again. And again. Helmet still on. Slingbag missing.

Sitting dazed. Screaming.

And screaming.

Won't someone come and help me?

Please.

Help me.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mr Durian came over today. He bought a book for me. How nice.

We spent the hour talking about religion, life, studies, more religion.

It was nice of him to drop by.

I'm so goddamned lonely.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm out of gauze swabs.

Didn't redress my wounds today.

Mom doesn't know what to get. CS busy. Ant's overseas.

Somebody please help me get the gauze swabs?

Weird Dreams


You know sometimes how dreams can affect you badly, perhaps leave a mark for the rest of your life?

Like horrible nightmares when we were kids. Kids are very much prone to nightmares.

What was your nightmare like? Monsters, running for your life, falling off high places and waking up right before you hit the ground?

I've had my share of those, and more. I remember clearly this one dream I had when I was 5 or 6. My mom, sis and me were involved in an accident, and somehow we returned as ghosts. Not the scary kind, but the stuck in limbo kind.

The rest of the extended family held a funeral for us near the forest (don't ask me why). And as a child watching too much TV I believed that the mahjong tables should always have one "open" side for the departed (i.e us). As we arrived at the funeral I made the leaves blowing in the wind effect (by actually throwing them around with my hands) and went to sit down at one of the mahjong tables. Being so young I obviously didn't know how to play, but in my dream I could.

Suddenly my grandma called out to me. She could see me. And suddenly the rest of the family could too. As I turned sobbing into her arms, I woke up.

Even today that dream is clear as day.

I used to be a sprinter for my schools, both primary and secondary. I have trophies all the way up to secondary 2 for sprinting. From secondary 2 onwards, the trophies gradually became awards for other stuff, like high jump and long distance running or cross country. Why?

During my secondary 2 period I kept having recurring dreams. Dreams of being chased, or there was a need to rush to somewhere. Horrible things keep happening when I ran. The feeling of floating comes first, then horrible things happened.

Once, when I was training on my sprinting during a training session of the atheletics club I joined as a CCA, the same floating sensation overcame me. I could not run. From then on I never did. I was shifted to long distance division and high jumping.

I still don't dare to sprint, even until now.

Ah Yang korkor has been gone for more than two years now, and yet I still dream of him occasionally. For example, last night. I don't remember much about it in detail except that someone's relative who passed away came back. He said he wasn't exactly dead, the doctor made a wrong diagnosis. He had woken up in the coffin and just opened it and walked right out. Then they hugged.

I woke up right after that still believing that the same had happened to Ah Yang korkor. I panicked and wanted to jump right out of bed to tell my Godmum about it, because the coffin is air-tight and he can't breathe. Then it hit me hard in the face, the fact that he's been embalmed, placed inside the coffin and cremated already. I'm too late.

I couldn't stop sobbing for a long time after I woke up.

I do miss him.

Sometimes..


...just sometimes.

I wish I'd never gotten up from the accident.

I wish the second impact had happened.

I wish that everything ended on that day.

... Sometimes.

Weird.


Did anyone else feel the Earth shake?

I felt my whole bed shaking and thought I was unbalanced because one of my leg was on the floor.

Then my wind chime made of shells started shaking too. The flowers Lazychoo bought me that was hanging near the shells started moving side to side.

What the hell?

Trust


Tell me what your defination of trust is. I've really lost direction.

Tell me. Please.

Because last night as I saw a familiar name that was supposed to be taboo, I felt nothing. Numb, actually. I've kind of already expected it somewhat.

I tried putting myself in your shoes to try to reason, but I can really find no more reasons to help you.

To put it simply, you can only push a girl so far until there is no point of return, no matter what you do.

You have no conscience.

Full coverage on the accident


This is like, way overdue. I owe you loyal readers and concerned friends an explaination.

You see I still can't sit upright for long because the nausea would set in. I've only been able to msn some of you. The rest of you who msn-ed me and got no reply, I was either redressing my bandages or the keyboard was out of reach.

Of those times that I did blog, it was well into the night in a fit of anger at having found out certain ugly things about certain ugly people. I guess with the anger came the rush of blood into my temples, pulsating while I typed, so I didn't notice the nausea much.

I know this is a puny excuse for not giving you guys a report sooner, so even though I am on the verge of vomiting now, I shall leave out no details.

Time and date was around 7pm at Lentor, on the way back from work on Tuesday 27 Feb.

I was happily rolling along, squeezing a bit of traffic, when this beige coloured old looking (either that or it's terribly dirty) car started following me very closely.

Not exactly tailgating, more like trying to make a direct collision with my tail fairing. In a bid to lose the car, I changed lane from the second to the first, which is on the right of the road.

Due to my nervousness, I kept looking into my rearview mirror at the car, which was changing lane together with me, that I didn't notice that there was a stationary citycab in front. By the time I saw it, it was too late.

I hit the brakes and tried to swerve, but the dirty/old beige car was overtaking me on the left, so I had nowhere to swerve. Next thing I heard was a BANG! and I flew off my bike.

I was skidding and rolling along on the floor when I noticed a car, still going behind me. I was already waiting for the second impact, but thank goodness that car stopped in time.

Everything in my mind was the exact same as when I had the accident in September. My mind was blank. Totally and blissfully blank. And although everything happened too fast, I still remember looking up in mid skid, seeing my bike lying down on it's right and skidding towards the signpost in super slow motion.

It's funny how people think of the strangest things during the strangest events. While still in mid skid (gawd, I must've skidded pretty darn far) voices flashed in my mind. Lazychoo was saying that thank god he had his Levi's on during that accident in September. Levi's jeans protected a lot of bikers during their accidents. When Lazychoo's voice died away, I remembered that earlier on in the day I was still thinking that I've finally found a pair of Levi's jeans that I like so much, as opposed to my dislike for their previous designs. Which then reminded me that I had my Levi's on, so I was thanking my lucky stars and expecting to see nothing more than small holes on my knee.

Next thing I remember was screaming my head off while people gathered around me. There was a silver Diversion with a malay couple, and the woman came to ask how I am. People talking in all directions, asking questions and talking to each other. The scene was so confusing that I screamed again (and probably scared the hell out of all of them).

I looked down. The right pant-leg from knee down of my Levi's was completely torn apart, held together with only a thin strip still connected to the jeans. Underneath the cloth, were scratches all down my right leg. I even pulled open a patch of flesh on my knee to dig out some road debris. Everything was numb. Well at least I could still hobble.

Mistake. I couldn't. I sat down at the side of the road and called for bikebulance to tow my bike away. Then I messaged Lazychoo and pretty much the rest of the group in Yishun that I am close to.

The driver of a Nissan car in front which my bike had scratched drove me to the clinic nearby, where CS was already waiting for me. Why didn't I go to a hospital? Because I am scared of rushing doctors and rude nurses.

Trust me, I've worked in a hospital before.

Anyhoo, CS helped me into the clinic where the nurse helped me clean up while I laughed and talked and asked questions. To take my mind off the accident, CS made me talk to him continuously. When I stopped to gasp for air, he hurried me to keep talking.

Anthony, Lazychoo and Roger and his girlfriend arrived not long after. While I asked the nurse for an ice-cream Anthony ran out to get me a coke. Lazychoo himself was in too much of a shock to keep me talking, so I had to concentrate on the pain.

Mom came not long after too, and chided me for still being able to laugh and joke after the accident. Look, me laughing doesn't mean I am happy. It means I am masking the pain so others won't feel it too.

After awhile, mom found Onn sitting outside. He was here to get an MC for not going to school that day. Onn came in and laughed at me for awhile before going back outside and letting the doctor finish bandaging me up.

I was given a 5 day MC, and painkillers to take home. Roger drove me home while CS, Anthony and Lazychoo took their rides respectively to my home, where we had a celebration by eating McDonald's and BBQ chicken in my sister's room.

Thanks to you guys who came to the rescue on such short notice. *hugs*

After they left, mom saw blood dripping from my bandages. As we scrambled to find where the blood was coming from, it leaked out everywhere. Lazychoo unwrapped the bandages and changed new gauzes and found out that the blood was coming from a deep puncture on my knee.

It wouldn't stop bleeding, well into the next night. And even now, when you take off the bandages, a little bit still leaks out. I guess I hit a big vessel or something. Ow.

The next few days were spent in agony where I hobbled around with crutches. Even the most simplest of things, like going to the toilet was a chore. Thank goodness for Lazychoo, who stood beside me all the way and on a few occasions, caught me in time to prevent me from falling.

Different people came and went. Onn came on the second day to deliver some gauze and helped Lazychoo redress my wounds. Stan and Shirl came to deliver a toy flower and medical advice. Vik, Andrew and Anthony came to laugh at me. Samuel came to help me do up my life and personal accident insurance. Obviously, Grandma and Grandpa on my paternal side came to deliver home-cooked porridge. Grandma on my maternal side came to deliver snacks and stuff. Godmum also came. Other people wanted to come but I turned them down. Don't really want people to see me in this state.

Seng, whom I visited in hospital a few weeks back wanted to come and deliver flowers, but was turned down on account that he himself had not fully recovered from his lung infection. Leeling jiejie was forbidden to come on account that she had just recovered from her high fever. Others were turned down simply because I needed my rest!

Sorry to you guys who wanted to come but couldn't. I know you guys are concerned. Sorry to those whom I couldn't reply to on msn. I owe all of you ice-cream.

Every night, the changing of the bandages was the most difficult thing to do. Thank goodness Lazychoo was there to help me. I had to take out the gauze and the ST dressing (a sort of a criss cross thingy to prevent the gauze from sticking to the wound, which isn't very effective anyway) slowly and torturously because of the skin sticking to the gauze through the ST dressing. Then we had to redress them, with Lazychoo applying an ointment called the Tetracyline, supposedly to clean up something, over the ST dressing, and after putting on a fresh set of gauze, bandage them.

This procedure sometimes take up to two hours, so usually before he arrives after work I'd start taking them out myself, so that when he reaches he doesn't have to wait with me for so long. Either that or he plays PS2 while I slowly take out the bandages. But there was never a day without my Lazychoo.

Mom and sis and people sent me all sorts of goodies. Candies and chocolates and chips and toys and even a basket of Brand's chicken essence. Most of the chocolates were polished off by Lazychoo, the great chocolate eater.

Bathing was a chore, but I learnt to do it with a chir. I never exactly appreciated the ability to take a shower, and how good it feels, but I do now. I'm actually dying to take a shower everyday because I still feel so dirty from the crash.

The memory of the accident is still fresh in my mind. Everytime my mind takes me on a spin back to the scene it scares me so much, as if I were at the actual scene at that time. I can't get the image of the cab out of my mind. I can't get that loud crash out of my ears. I can't stop fearing that the car behind me won't stop. I can't get the image of my beloved bike skidding away from me.











Scary.

So that's all for the report for now, I fear I've made this post too long.

In the end, I just want to thanks my mom, my sis and Lazychoo for being so supportive and helpful during this period of time.

I love you guys!

Way to go, Shit-Stirrer


Way to go, trying to get me into an argument with Lazychoo.

I've seen enough shit-stirrers like you, who drop words into their sentences that are sensitive enough to start wars.

I don't care that whatever all of you agree that I am. When I got together with Lazychoo I was already prepared to battle with the age notion, and I did. This "kid" word means nothing to what I've been through with him.

Uneducated, compared to you people who talk about schools all the time, yes. I do not have a higher level of study and/or IQ than you because I do not have the money to study yet. But however, I believe my EQ is much higher, and I know my ways about the street much better than you do.

At least my friends aren't all pissed off at me most of the time, wearing a mask in front of me and pretending that they like me. My friends like me for who I really am.

I know you have seen many girls in and out of his life. You've been friends for 15 years. From what I heard, you were also partially responsible for him losing his ex-girlfriend. However, that can be just another phase of his life. He's learned his lesson about listening to you. He is entering a new phase now.

With me.

Now you are trying to secretly communicate with him behind my back, asking him to call you when I am not around?

Sometimes it's better for me to be uneducated but upright, than to spend so much money, be educated yet sneak around like a common thief.

Stop bothering us and go live your own life, man.

To make things simple for you


Woah. Didn't expect to be ratted on so fast. Do you like, have absolutely no life?

The walking away notion came from this sms: "Very good. You just made me lost my best friend. Happy? You will never ever see him again. You fucking happy?"

Yes, I am fucking happy. Don't let me be this fucking happy for nothing.

Fuck all our previous arguments where I repeatedly tell you not to use vulgarities, especially on me. Turn on me and direct all your anger at me when he walked away from you, won't you? Did I declare that I do not want to talk to you anymore when it appeared that you did not take sides?

You don't have to understand me. You never did anyway.

Just to make things simple and clear: I am not giving him the chance to talk. Even after I can walk or even after I start riding again, there is absolutely NO CHANCE of a settlement.

I will not be fucked for nothing. You want to fuck me, you better make sure there is a reason to. The reason I see now is that I never see him again, and I hope you do so too.

To that guy: Get your hands off my boyfriend. This is our future now, and you have absolutely no part of it. You are just a phase in his life.

You cannot say I don't understand because I myself have given up most, if not all, my closest friends for him. I understand.

Just... go away and stop bothering us.

I find you despicable


This written at the peak of my annoyance after knowing that they're still contacting. Pardon the irritance.

Just the other day I found traces of them in contact, but Lazychoo erased the evidence. Probably talkig bad about me again. *ahem*backstabber*ahem*

The one who made him scold me when you left abruptly right after dragging him into the argument.

The one who left him, and then turned back and demanded his attention, as if he owed you something.

The one who caused so much trouble between us even though you already we were having a lot of problems already.

The one who don't have to see him everyday but decided that you obviously know what's best for him so much more than I do.

The one who is now dragging out old memories to lure him back.

The one who put all the blame on me.

The one who deems it my fault by my actions, never seeing that you're doing the exact same thing.


If you said you'd leave, and don't want to talk to him anymore, then why don't you? Stop looking back already, because Lazychoo and I are going to have a future together, you can stop hoping already.

I once told Lazy that I can have a talk with you, because of my love for him. That was quite some time ago. And you know what?

Lazychoo once told me in the middle of an argument that "Listen when you want to. Don't want to listen then just blast off. You expect me to wait for you to happy liao want to listen then come talk. No."

So following in his footsteps, you've officially missed your chance to talk.

And following in your footsteps, I never want to see you, ever again.


I know with this post I am going to anger Lazychoo again (frankly, I don't really care about angering anyone else) and he is going to be so pissed at me taking a potshot his friend-who-left-when-I-didn't again. But let me just reach out and ask you to stand in my shoes for once.

My boyfriend already does not have enough time for me. Am doing all I can to make the best out of whatever little time we have left. Now this other guy is vying for his time as well?

How would you feel?

Accident


My turn.

Not convenient to type much. Every action causes me pain.

The temporary loss of use of my entire right body has made me find out a lot of unused muscles on my left. So on top of the painful wounds on my right, I have painful muscles on my left. Argh.

5 days extendable MC! Woohoo~!

Thanks to all who came and helped out and then celebrated with in my sister's room that night. Credit where it's due, I owe all of you dinner.

Thanks to Lazychoo for tahan-ing my horrible temper these few days. I love you.

Let's pretend


Let's pretend to be happy.

Let's put on a mask in front of each other.

Let's pretend that we are so in love.

Let's pretend that nothing is wrong.

Let's pretend that we don't hurt.

Let's pretend we don't feel.

Let's pretend that we turn a blind eye.

Let's pretend to be happy.



I never thought I'd be saying this but..

I hate you.

....



Oh, but for a chance to run away!

Jaded yet still bleeding. Bleeding yet already numb. Numbed yet still hurting.

Perhaps we've all died too much inside. Bit by bit, little by little, we lose our life, from inside out.

Walls closing in. Pressing in, pressing in. Pushing me back into myself, back where no life is left.

Stop touching me.

....


Happy Chinese New Year, people.