Random Ramblings


Ten months ago I broke out of my shell to try a hand at love again, only to find that love held nothing for me.

That shell was built long before so that I won't hurt myself again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm building a wall of stone.

Around my heart.

Brick by brick.

Layer by layer.

The foundation must be good. They must never crumble. They must never melt upon small acts denoting love. They must never let me down, ever again.

Stone by stone. Brick by brick.

Let's build the wall up high. So high that even I can't see out of it. So hard and strong that even the most destructive machinery cannot break it down.

I'm building a wall of stone.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please, please, please do not pick an argument with me right now. I am on the verge of screaming and crying and pounding my fists into the wall until they bled.

Please do not pick an argument with me right now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She sat in a corner on the kitchen floor, in the dark. Staring out of the window at the starless night.

Knife beside her.

Silent tears running down her cheeks.

She feels as though the whole world is on her shoulders. She feels as though she is the most idiotic woman alive.

Well, not for long anyway.

She puts the knife to her wrist. The tears come down faster.

Suddenly she feels a warm tongue licking her.

It's her dog, licking away her tears.

She throws the knife aside and holds her dog tight. She's forgotten that someone else needs her, someone in the world loves her no matter what, and has been loyal and faithful to her all throughout their years together.

"Momma loves you baby," She sobs into her dog's fur. "and Momma'll never leave you. Baby.. Momma's so sorry.."

Time passed, and the night watched as a girl with her dog in her arms cried and cried, sobs wracking her body uncontrollably as spasms passed through her chest.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't need your help. I don't need your pity. I just need you to understand. I just need you to stand in my shoes and understand how hard it was for me not to smash my fist into the wall with vengeance, again and again until the wall is smeared with red.

Believe me, I've tried that before.

I just need you to understand why it is that I'm feeling the way I feel. I just need you to understand how it feels like to be me. To be trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Please understand. Because nobody's ever did before.

Please understand.