So much to say


So much to do. So much to post. Now where do I start?

I found out why the recent strong bout of depression. I just don't know why it originated.

While it's not all coming from Lazychoo, most of it is.

There are many things I can't say because most of them are "supposedly" out of my boundaries but I just come to know about them. Most of them I "found out", some of them I deduced.

I know how you feel. And there is no way I can do anything about it except feel jealous and helpless and worthless.

They say the woman you cannot get is the best woman you'll ever have. She is the woman you cannot get, I am the woman whom someone else cannot get, it does seem a little unfair on my side. Either way I lose out.

You know, the term "Girlfriend" is only a formality. You could love someone and treasure someone without having her be your girlfriend. And most of the time, the feelings exchanged between two persons who are not bound by formality but still deeply in love are much stronger than those who are.

Take me, for instance. Of all my past romances, the one I loved the most was the only one who was not my boyfriend.

So no point telling me she was not your girlfriend. Don't tell me nothing happened between you two.

And don't say if I did the same thing, if I went to meet my ex-boyfriends you would be ok with it because you trust me. One, you never mean what you say. Trust me, you won't be ok with it. And two, I've never done anything for you to distrust me.

Trust is earned, not expected. So don't expect me to trust you when you never mean what you say and never keep your promises.

If you're pining for her then go ahead. If you're persistant I'm sure she will accept you back. Don't just stick with me because I'm the only choice left. I'm sure she doesn't appreciate feeling like a spare tyre too.

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He still sees her every now and then. She is his customer, mah. Fuck.

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I hate your been-there-done-that, I-know-it-all attitude. It totally destroys whatever happy mood I'm in. It makes me not want to do anything new at all when you start giving that attitude.

I'm tired of all your weird reasons and excuses for your broken promises and your own contradiction.

I am depressed and I am irritable. I'm not taking anything anymore.

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I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to become a 35-year-old, having never tasted life the way I want to taste it and tied down by the reality of having my own family.

Heck, I'm only 19-years-old and already I'm not doing what other 19-year-olds or even up to 25-year-olds are doing.

I want my youth back.

But you know what? I guess this is just the way I am. I can't get it back. I can't want too much either with him in my life.

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Been at a family chalet for the past three days.

Pictures (too depressed to explain anything).

Cousin Cheeyong and his dad.





Lazychoo





The backs of Shirong and his girlfriend.



Leeling jiejie and jie-fu.



Sweet sweet.



My two small cousins



My brother-in-law, Jonathan, at the pit



Cousin Cheeyong



The July babies.



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I've been searching for the meaning of love for a long, long time.

I understand the love between a mother and her child, between families, between owners and pets, but I've never truly understood the love between two different persons who come to meet at a certain stage of their lives.

Many people have tried explaining to me, but none of them have ever given me a satisfactory answer. Which also means probably no one knows the meaning of that kind of love too.

They say no matter what kind of glitches in the relationship, love can conquer all. But what is the meaning of that love? You care for someone and you take care of someone and.. then what? What is it that makes you love someone so much that you can use that love to conquer all the glitches?

What is love?

What is true love?

You can't give me a satisfactory answer. No one can.