The Scoop


For the ever-judgemental you: I guess I don't mind explaining myself now.


There was a major argument between Lazychoo and I the other day.

Because of someone else who wasn't involved in this relationship.

For the benefit of those who are not in the know, here's an account standing in my shoes.

For those of you who are not close to me: When I was 12, my mom uncovered a terrible secret of my dad's. I'm not going to beat around the bushes but just to put this straight - he had been dating his ex-girlfriend (the one before my mom) for 4 years with all of us not in the know. Therefore beginning a devastating 5 years following the confrontation between my mom and my dad's girlfriend.

A series of distressing events followed suit. Loansharks. Mom selling everything she could to pay off debts. Mom's money magically appearing in dad's girlfriend's account. Dad turning his back on us. Seperation. Everyone in the family became slightly mentally unstable.

Only those of you who saw me through those years can ever understand what my family went through.

This is why I am paranoid of ex-girlfriends.

A lot of depressing posts previously in my blog originated from Lazychoo's past. Don't believe me? Read back then.

Now tell me this: If you were already having enough problems with someone you're in a relationship with, and some other guy came and inserted himself and made conclusive comments from judging you all the way throughout the relationship, how would you feel?

Tell me, if, and I say only IF, one of my friends were to make a comment about you, the way you depress everyone with your sick-of-life attitude, the way you always disappoint and the way you take a relationship for granted, based on their impressions of you during those brief meetings, SMS-ing me these judgemental comments leaving you no chance to explain, how would you feel towards them?

A friend of his, Mr KP, somehow got hold of my blog address and read a previous post of mine regarding the past, and SMS-ed Lazychoo telling him to tell me about Mr KP's opinion on my feelings, without asking why I felt the way I did.

After getting to know about the SMS, I flared up. And blogged. Therefore developing an issue with Mr KP, who religiously reads my blog.

Lazychoo was not supposed to be involved, as with all my other arguments and debates with our other friends. Lazychoo stood aside when people ganged up in the forums and called me "worse than a beast". Lazychoo stood aside when I was blamed for someone else's breakup in which the girl left my friend because he didn't have enough money.

I expected this to be no different. Lazychoo should have stood aside, like he always has.

Somehow, Lazychoo involved himself. He also involved the rest of the group.

The issue started between Mr KP and me, and it was to be kept between Mr KP and me, but somehow..

Obviously, according to Lazychoo, the entire group sees this as my fault. Why not? Mr KP was their friend, not me. I was never a part of that group, both by default and by choice.

The issue blew out of proportions. Mr KP once said "I pity the one in the middle". Mr KP, there was no one in the middle until you put him there.

Mr KP also said, "Lets all behave like an responsible adult now and appreciate the beauty of mutual respect". Shortly after, terminating the friendship with Lazychoo because Lazychoo did not do as he wished.

Mr KP, being an avid reader of my blog (not because it's entertaining, obviously), read all my posts regarding the issue. And nagged at Lazychoo to read them.

For the first time in my life I was forced to remove posts that offended the almighty Mr KP. For the first time in my life I felt so desolated, because my blog was my fortress, and the successful forcing of posts removal was a kind of a victory over a broken fortress that I once claimed unbreakable. For the first time in my life I felt so frozen, because my beliefs were broken by the man who set my beliefs in the first place. He once said that a couple should stick together, no matter what, and I believed in him.

It was disappointing to know that he could doubt me so much and not stand on my grounds to take a look at the issue. I did not ask him to take sides. I did not want him involved. It was very, very disappointing to have him make me remove my posts because he was ashamed.

Are you ashamed of my words, or me? Will you be so ashamed after reading this post that you'd tell me to remove it again?

If he did not get involved he would not have said things that killed me a little inside each time I think about it. If he did not get involved he would not have lost a "best friend" and I would not be so "fucking happy". If he did not get involved things would still go as I planned.

My plan was to get a friend to go out with every Friday, which was when he usually meets his friends, so that we would never see each other again, Mr KP and I. Why? Because I could not bring myself to forbid him from seeing Mr KP again. Knowing that when they meet he'd exercise his influence over Lazychoo again drove me crazy. I needed friends to take my mind off what might be discussed in my absence.

Weekends I had to keep free, because we once agreed that weekends were pak-tor days. It was a little disappointing that recently he seems to have forgotten all about it and packed weekends with meeting his friends.

Just as disappointing to know he forgot all about our planning for the trip to Tioman this April.

But never mind.

Now there's a distance between us and a hole that can never be mended. Didn't we once agree to not let anyone come between us?

Why, why do I blog? Because there's no one else to talk to. There was no one else to talk to when you wouldn't listen. Blogging was my form of release. But now blogging has become the main source of trouble in your eyes. Maybe if you stopped pointing your finger at me and my blog, you could look around you more clearly?

You don't even try.

I am not afraid and I am not ashamed of opening myself to the public because I have done nothing wrong. What are you afraid/ashamed of?