I smashed my fist into the wall today


... as I came out of Lazychoo's house to go home.

I couldn't help it.

The pain it brought, although temporary, was a relief. Nothing much though, just a scraped knuckle.

Maybe it's really time to re-evaluate this relationship. The holes I can pretend to fill, but the faster I run the harder they caught up to me. I'd like to be like him too, running away from the questions.

Don't tell me to think about the future and bear with the pain for now, I already am thinking about the future and that's what's causing all this pain.

Because I see no future. And you of all people knows best why.

I feel like crying for all the weirdest reasons, and lucky for me I manage to control myself when I'm in front of other people.

I don't want to go overseas with you anymore. I don't want to try new things with you anymore. I don't want to buy a set of couple shirts anymore. I don't want your promises anymore.

I need to decide if this is really what I want for my life.

I read his blog just now and I really feel like shooting him. But on second thoughts, I'd rather not, seeing as he's just being the judgemental himself and if I don't like it I can leave instead of trying to change him.

He's just being him.

I've given advices to many people before, saying that their partners are just being themselves. They have no right to want to change the way their partners are. Either they accept it or leave.

Now I'm going to use this for myself.

Do I, or do I not? Ok, I rephrase. Can I, or can I not?

I guess I'll have to think for a few days. We'll see what the outcome is.