Today's Idiot Customer of the Day
"I'd like to make an appointment for servicing. Saturday 1pm."
"How about 2? 1pm is kind of rushed because the technicians will be having lunch."
"I don't care. How long is the servicing? I understand that the spoiler will also be done at your place?"
"The servicing takes less than an hour. The spoiler is not done here, it's done at ***."
"But the agent says to go to this one place only what, now ask me go here go there.. *nags incoherently* You all under the same company right? How come all dunno this dunno that one? Agent say one thing you say another. I feel so cheated. Ridiculous!"
"M'am, we are only the authorised servicing center. NOT the same company."
"I don't care, I want you to bring the spoiler over to your side to do."
"We are not fully-equipted to fix up the spoiler. We can try though, but if the spoiler spoils then we can't be responsible for that."
"I DON'T CARE!"
"Then I can't help you much either."
"Then how much is the charge for the servicing? Honda Fit."
"$XXX.XX for fully-synthetic engine oil, *rambles off items included inside the package*"
"SO EXPENSIVE! YOU THINK YOU ALL VERY HIGH CLASS HAR? Outside at this so-and-so place give you so-and-so package also cheaper than you! Ridiculous! Ridiculous!"
*mutters under her breath* "... then go there lah. No money don't buy car lah."
"Hello? You there or not?"
"Well, if you want to go to other places for servicing, you're free to go. But if you do, the warranty will be void if they happen to spoil anything."
"Ridiculous!" Hangs up phone.
Two minutes later...
Phone rings.
"If I want to bring my own engine oil then how?"
"Then we will minus off $XX from the amount of $XX for the normal mineral package." Explains the process.
"Then I pay the remaining $XX for what? I thought you said labour free?"
"Company policy m'am."
"Ridiculous! I go outside to the where-where-where and they do what-what-what altogether also cheaper!"
Holds the line. Begs supervisor for permission to say "Outside cheaper then go outside lah! No money don't buy car lah!" Supervisor dismisses the idea. Tells me to handle it myself.
Unholds. "So do you still want to make an appointment, or do you want to go to this so-and-so company which you claim is cheaper?"
Suddenly launches into a series of complaints. "I am going to bring up this case. In fact I already wrote a letter to the company to complain about this case. Your engine prices are ridiculous! You think you very high class ah?"
Ya, as if she can write a complaint letter within 2 minutes.
About to explain that I am not the big fuck who sets the engine prices, because if I were I'd charge everybody else low but charge her double, and if she doesn't come back the warranty will be void, so whatever spoils in her car she can go screw herself. Then changed my mind. Let her complain, I want to see her constipated face when the higher levels tell her to go screw herself.
"So you still want that appointment?"
Huffs and puffs and almost pops a vein. I think there's are spider webs of wrinkles all over her face, she gets angry and excited so easily. "Of course la!" Gives details.
"Don't burst a vein or something." I got that last line in before I hung up.
People, if you see a frigid constipated bitch driving a Honda Fit one the road the the numbers 4041, nudge somebody to go and kiss her.. bumper.
Yay.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Visions
Prelude: Somebody dislikes reading me but reads me every single day. Tracking down all that one doesn't like to see. No life, leh, you.
Have you thought about what those people with near-death experiences say about having their life flashing before their eyes?
Have you ever wondered which part of your life would flash past you when you're an inch away from an imminent death?
Would you see yourself, doing things that you love? Maybe, speeding on your bike to Kulai for supper with friends, or playing tennis with close friends, or flying a kite by the beach, or maybe even sitting at home watching TV with a loved one?
Would you see your loved ones, flashing before your eyes? Your mother, bustling about the kitchen making your favorite soup. Your grandparents, smiling toothlessly at how grown up you are. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, whispering sweet nothings into your ears as you both spend a romantic evening together. Or maybe even your pets, greeting you enthusiastically when you come home from work.
Would you see your achievements, from an outside angle? You, winning the trophy for your team at a soccer match. You, taking wedding photos with your husband/wife. You, having your first child. You, closing that big business deal.
How about the sad things that happened in your life? Closing the lid of the casket containing a loved one. Losing a big business deal. Seperation from your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Or maybe even the things you're most guilty about. Lying about something, causing someone else to be blamed. Deliberatly doing/saying something to hurt others. Leaving rubbishy comments anonymously on other people's blogs.
What would you see?
I've been in situations like that. I know what I saw, and I know what I'll see.
Nothing. Emptiness. Blanko.
When something happens, all that I can do is to concentrate on what's happening then. And when the horror is about to happen and I recoil in terror, my mind goes blank.
Blissfully blank.
What do you think you'll see?
Prelude: Somebody dislikes reading me but reads me every single day. Tracking down all that one doesn't like to see. No life, leh, you.
Have you thought about what those people with near-death experiences say about having their life flashing before their eyes?
Have you ever wondered which part of your life would flash past you when you're an inch away from an imminent death?
Would you see yourself, doing things that you love? Maybe, speeding on your bike to Kulai for supper with friends, or playing tennis with close friends, or flying a kite by the beach, or maybe even sitting at home watching TV with a loved one?
Would you see your loved ones, flashing before your eyes? Your mother, bustling about the kitchen making your favorite soup. Your grandparents, smiling toothlessly at how grown up you are. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, whispering sweet nothings into your ears as you both spend a romantic evening together. Or maybe even your pets, greeting you enthusiastically when you come home from work.
Would you see your achievements, from an outside angle? You, winning the trophy for your team at a soccer match. You, taking wedding photos with your husband/wife. You, having your first child. You, closing that big business deal.
How about the sad things that happened in your life? Closing the lid of the casket containing a loved one. Losing a big business deal. Seperation from your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Or maybe even the things you're most guilty about. Lying about something, causing someone else to be blamed. Deliberatly doing/saying something to hurt others. Leaving rubbishy comments anonymously on other people's blogs.
What would you see?
I've been in situations like that. I know what I saw, and I know what I'll see.
Nothing. Emptiness. Blanko.
When something happens, all that I can do is to concentrate on what's happening then. And when the horror is about to happen and I recoil in terror, my mind goes blank.
Blissfully blank.
What do you think you'll see?
Random Pictoblog of the Week
I am so damn bored. There's nothing to do here in office. So, here's (yet) another random pictoblog to entertain.. myself!
Well, regarding the few previous posts, I actually had more to talk about but I guess they're getting to depressing to read.
Next time then.
Anyway, here's Uncle Stanley's Hayabusa,
and his meter that I took when we were flying down the expressway at 250km/h with the rpm at 12k.
Yeah, right. As if you'd believe that.
Ok, so I took that by turning on the ignition and letting the needle do a complete run when I took that picture. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I had to turn the darn thing on and off just to get that effect. Thanks to Uncle Stanley for being a good sport in letting me mess around with his bike.
Here's Lazychoo messing around with Alan See's goggles. Alan's got these goggles because he's wearing a scrambler helmet, those types without the visor. And He's riding a BMW. Action, lah.
Benguin and Jinhan trying to spoil Ben's X1's suspension. Ben thought with the extra weight behind it'd be easier to pop a wheelie.
Well you thought wrong.
Zeke getting influenced by Vik and being gay with Ben.
Check out Zeke's really cute dimples.
Camwhoring Ben.
Yay. I like camwhoring people.
This is what we're having in office right now.
They're hung on keys. Keys. Because we don't have anywhere else to hang them on.
Haha. Ok ok, so here's the real reason why I'm blogging today. I found this picture online labelled "Art of Seduction", and I couldn't resist poking fun.
This was uploaded by herself, captioned by herself, and everything's on friendster.
Looks more like the Art of Learning to Seduce but Failing Miserably because Taking Pictures while on the Can (toilet) is Totally Not Seducing At All. Seems like she's taking a dump and playing with her handphone, and at some point during the dump she decided to take a picture of her still-puberty-ing torso, and deciding that the picture is seductive she posted it on friendster hoping that someone will find her sexy and f.................... oh never mind.
I am so damn bored. There's nothing to do here in office. So, here's (yet) another random pictoblog to entertain.. myself!
Well, regarding the few previous posts, I actually had more to talk about but I guess they're getting to depressing to read.
Next time then.
Anyway, here's Uncle Stanley's Hayabusa,
and his meter that I took when we were flying down the expressway at 250km/h with the rpm at 12k.
Yeah, right. As if you'd believe that.
Ok, so I took that by turning on the ignition and letting the needle do a complete run when I took that picture. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I had to turn the darn thing on and off just to get that effect. Thanks to Uncle Stanley for being a good sport in letting me mess around with his bike.
Here's Lazychoo messing around with Alan See's goggles. Alan's got these goggles because he's wearing a scrambler helmet, those types without the visor. And He's riding a BMW. Action, lah.
Benguin and Jinhan trying to spoil Ben's X1's suspension. Ben thought with the extra weight behind it'd be easier to pop a wheelie.
Well you thought wrong.
Zeke getting influenced by Vik and being gay with Ben.
Check out Zeke's really cute dimples.
Camwhoring Ben.
Yay. I like camwhoring people.
This is what we're having in office right now.
They're hung on keys. Keys. Because we don't have anywhere else to hang them on.
Haha. Ok ok, so here's the real reason why I'm blogging today. I found this picture online labelled "Art of Seduction", and I couldn't resist poking fun.
This was uploaded by herself, captioned by herself, and everything's on friendster.
Looks more like the Art of Learning to Seduce but Failing Miserably because Taking Pictures while on the Can (toilet) is Totally Not Seducing At All. Seems like she's taking a dump and playing with her handphone, and at some point during the dump she decided to take a picture of her still-puberty-ing torso, and deciding that the picture is seductive she posted it on friendster hoping that someone will find her sexy and f.................... oh never mind.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Time
Prelude: I know I tend to go off topic most of the time, but that's just the by-product of having thought too much about things that most people normally won't think about or won't spare the time to consider in-depth about. Which must mean I have too much time on my hands.
With regards to my previous post on the subject of Death.
I found out that when you accept that death is going to come anytime and you're ready for it everyday, you learn to accept it readily and not fear it. Which might not be a good thing.
When you're too ready for death, you kind of expect it to come anytime. Soon.
And you're not willing to fight it anymore. Or sometimes, maybe even give it a little push in the wrong direction.
And perhaps even sometimes, you fantasize about it. How you would go, silently, or with a bang. Would your face be serene when you take your last breath? Or would your body be mangled into pulp as you scream your last scream in horror?
I almost did it the other night. I learned to let go of everything and just jump. I was prepared to.
I guess, in a way, a part of me did die that night. A part of us did.
Much later, when I related this to someone, he told me that perhaps it was not my time yet.
Which got me thinking: When exactly will be our time? When you learn to let go, or when it becomes inevitable? When?
People in a deep coma on life support. Their family members made the decision for them. It is not inevitable, he could still live. Is it his time?
People who chose to let go and stop fighting to live, and succeeds. Is it their time?
What about murders and homicides? Is it the victims' time? Or accidents caused by oversights. Is that all arranged at a special timing by Death himself?
I should think not.
Nothing in life is arranged. Everything that happens, is either coincidental, or you just have very good luck. If not, just learn to accept it and suck it up instead of bitching and whining about how bad your life is.
It is never the right time. There never was and never will be a right time.
Just be prepared.
Prelude: I know I tend to go off topic most of the time, but that's just the by-product of having thought too much about things that most people normally won't think about or won't spare the time to consider in-depth about. Which must mean I have too much time on my hands.
With regards to my previous post on the subject of Death.
I found out that when you accept that death is going to come anytime and you're ready for it everyday, you learn to accept it readily and not fear it. Which might not be a good thing.
When you're too ready for death, you kind of expect it to come anytime. Soon.
And you're not willing to fight it anymore. Or sometimes, maybe even give it a little push in the wrong direction.
And perhaps even sometimes, you fantasize about it. How you would go, silently, or with a bang. Would your face be serene when you take your last breath? Or would your body be mangled into pulp as you scream your last scream in horror?
I almost did it the other night. I learned to let go of everything and just jump. I was prepared to.
I guess, in a way, a part of me did die that night. A part of us did.
Much later, when I related this to someone, he told me that perhaps it was not my time yet.
Which got me thinking: When exactly will be our time? When you learn to let go, or when it becomes inevitable? When?
People in a deep coma on life support. Their family members made the decision for them. It is not inevitable, he could still live. Is it his time?
People who chose to let go and stop fighting to live, and succeeds. Is it their time?
What about murders and homicides? Is it the victims' time? Or accidents caused by oversights. Is that all arranged at a special timing by Death himself?
I should think not.
Nothing in life is arranged. Everything that happens, is either coincidental, or you just have very good luck. If not, just learn to accept it and suck it up instead of bitching and whining about how bad your life is.
It is never the right time. There never was and never will be a right time.
Just be prepared.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Death
Today, we talk about death.
Listen. You go to sleep every night knowing that you're going to wake up the next morning feeling the sunshine on your face, hearing the birds sing and the noisy hustle and bustle of children going to school, aunties going to the market and so on and so forth.
What if, just what if, you won't wake up anymore?
Think about it.
Unsaid things. Confessions "I love you, I always have." Love "I sorry I never showed you everyday how much you mean to me." Guilt "Please forgive me." Regrets "I wish I had more time to finish my unfinished business" Secrets "I hid my money at so-and-so place, please go get it." and even Hatred "*words too vulgar and too obvious to be published*".
Every night I ask myself, that if I died tonight, would I carry all my regrets and unfinished words with me? Would so-and-so know that I once loved him? Would my family know that I've always placed them above all in my heart? What if I had a quarrel with Lazychoo and it never got resolved and I just died like that?
And every morning I wake up, thankful that I'm alive. Every night is an end, and every day is a new day to, a new start towards the beginning of an end. Every day I try hard to be the best I can be, to slow down and smell the flowers, to take in and appreciate all around me.
People, when something happens, like in a relationship, when a couple quarrels and ignores each other for a few days, either one or both of them will go What if I went crazy and got myself a China bride? What if I went crazy and married the first man that asks? What if something happens to me and I died without having resolved the problem?
Let me tell you this. Bad things can happen during the peaceful times of the relationship too. So don't take it for granted and think that small problems will solve itself in time, because the sooner problems get solved, the better.
What if I died today?
Would I have known that you loved me? Would I regret not knowing? Would I regret not telling you the truth and letting you simmer in hatred? Would I regret being so stubborn? Would I bring unresolved problems into the grave, letting it explode in my chest as they push me into the burning pit of fiery flames to cremate me?
Think about it.
Today, we talk about death.
Listen. You go to sleep every night knowing that you're going to wake up the next morning feeling the sunshine on your face, hearing the birds sing and the noisy hustle and bustle of children going to school, aunties going to the market and so on and so forth.
What if, just what if, you won't wake up anymore?
Think about it.
Unsaid things. Confessions "I love you, I always have." Love "I sorry I never showed you everyday how much you mean to me." Guilt "Please forgive me." Regrets "I wish I had more time to finish my unfinished business" Secrets "I hid my money at so-and-so place, please go get it." and even Hatred "*words too vulgar and too obvious to be published*".
Every night I ask myself, that if I died tonight, would I carry all my regrets and unfinished words with me? Would so-and-so know that I once loved him? Would my family know that I've always placed them above all in my heart? What if I had a quarrel with Lazychoo and it never got resolved and I just died like that?
And every morning I wake up, thankful that I'm alive. Every night is an end, and every day is a new day to, a new start towards the beginning of an end. Every day I try hard to be the best I can be, to slow down and smell the flowers, to take in and appreciate all around me.
People, when something happens, like in a relationship, when a couple quarrels and ignores each other for a few days, either one or both of them will go What if I went crazy and got myself a China bride? What if I went crazy and married the first man that asks? What if something happens to me and I died without having resolved the problem?
Let me tell you this. Bad things can happen during the peaceful times of the relationship too. So don't take it for granted and think that small problems will solve itself in time, because the sooner problems get solved, the better.
What if I died today?
Would I have known that you loved me? Would I regret not knowing? Would I regret not telling you the truth and letting you simmer in hatred? Would I regret being so stubborn? Would I bring unresolved problems into the grave, letting it explode in my chest as they push me into the burning pit of fiery flames to cremate me?
Think about it.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The sweetest thing
Another episode of the sweetest thing I've come to know - Him.
Because my bike is still within the running-in mileage, the petrol consumption is relatively high. And my petrol indicator is spoilt, which means if my petrol gets to dangerously low levels I wouldn't know about it unless I open my oil tank cover to take a look.
Usually, what I do is to go by the mileage. There's this small clocker inside of my km/h meter which measures the distance I travel. And everytime after I've pumped petrol I would turn the clocker back to 00000. Usually, I'd pump petrol when it reaches 00260 because I can only travel up to 280clicks before I get stuck.
Last night my clocker was only up to 00210 when my bike suddenly died on Lentor avenue, on my way home, right after the slight bend with the bridge-like thing at the side. Lucky for me I managed to roll my bike over to the side to call Lazychoo.
Most of the buses only saw me at the last minute, and jammed on their brakes, then realizing it was too late they shifted lanes, regardless of whether there was a car on the other side or not. Few of them even almost touched my mirrors, which meant they almost touched me.
The cars were zooming past very closely. And I do not know why, but some forking bastardic idiot LORRIES found it amusing to HORN at me. Like, as if when they horn at me I can magically start the bike and move out of their way.
I hope they get run over by other lorries.
Anyway, because it was THAT scary, I called Lazychoo and told him that my petrol ran out. I also told Zeke in a SMS telling him that I'm stuck at Lentor, in a reply to his SMS to ask us out for dinner. He called me back and I remember getting hysterical on the phone with him, and he sounded so damn cute when he didn't know what to do but try to tell me not to panic.
Haha. Zeke. My bike dieded on the road leh.
Lazychoo rushed down within a matter of minutes.
He got caught by the stationary speed camera for me. In his hurry to reach me, he forgot there was a speed camera at that particular spot, realizing only too late when he got flashed. Hopefully they didn't get a clear picture, or will be giving the mandatory 20km/h allowance.
After Lazychoo arrived, the first thing I noticed was his shirt. He'd wore it inside out in his hurry to rush out of the house! I kept laughing.
It's not as if I'm mean, it's just that I found it so damn funny and sweet at the same time. So heartwarming in a funny way. There was this melting pool of warm goo inside of me (not what you think, you dirty bastards) when I saw that.
Isn't he the sweetest thing ever?
Another episode of the sweetest thing I've come to know - Him.
Because my bike is still within the running-in mileage, the petrol consumption is relatively high. And my petrol indicator is spoilt, which means if my petrol gets to dangerously low levels I wouldn't know about it unless I open my oil tank cover to take a look.
Usually, what I do is to go by the mileage. There's this small clocker inside of my km/h meter which measures the distance I travel. And everytime after I've pumped petrol I would turn the clocker back to 00000. Usually, I'd pump petrol when it reaches 00260 because I can only travel up to 280clicks before I get stuck.
Last night my clocker was only up to 00210 when my bike suddenly died on Lentor avenue, on my way home, right after the slight bend with the bridge-like thing at the side. Lucky for me I managed to roll my bike over to the side to call Lazychoo.
Most of the buses only saw me at the last minute, and jammed on their brakes, then realizing it was too late they shifted lanes, regardless of whether there was a car on the other side or not. Few of them even almost touched my mirrors, which meant they almost touched me.
The cars were zooming past very closely. And I do not know why, but some forking bastardic idiot LORRIES found it amusing to HORN at me. Like, as if when they horn at me I can magically start the bike and move out of their way.
I hope they get run over by other lorries.
Anyway, because it was THAT scary, I called Lazychoo and told him that my petrol ran out. I also told Zeke in a SMS telling him that I'm stuck at Lentor, in a reply to his SMS to ask us out for dinner. He called me back and I remember getting hysterical on the phone with him, and he sounded so damn cute when he didn't know what to do but try to tell me not to panic.
Haha. Zeke. My bike dieded on the road leh.
Lazychoo rushed down within a matter of minutes.
He got caught by the stationary speed camera for me. In his hurry to reach me, he forgot there was a speed camera at that particular spot, realizing only too late when he got flashed. Hopefully they didn't get a clear picture, or will be giving the mandatory 20km/h allowance.
After Lazychoo arrived, the first thing I noticed was his shirt. He'd wore it inside out in his hurry to rush out of the house! I kept laughing.
It's not as if I'm mean, it's just that I found it so damn funny and sweet at the same time. So heartwarming in a funny way. There was this melting pool of warm goo inside of me (not what you think, you dirty bastards) when I saw that.
Isn't he the sweetest thing ever?
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Men's Biggest Mistakes
This lifted off some joke site ages ago. I remember guffawing out loud in office when I read this. I forgot the website's name. Anybody wants to claim credit for this one?
The following was composed entirely by someone I didn't know, and is NOT based on anyone I know at all. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.
I also don't agree with ALL the points. I just find them written in a humourous and witty way.
Men's Biggest Mistakes.
1) NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogeneous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine trapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station ina hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs. Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn thing off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along the side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principal, but if you're not careful it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay, elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is to pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON
Every man's fear. Wish reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flickering your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours, try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's neccessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "-to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props, hot candle wax and permenant dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with a snapped hamstring.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
This lifted off some joke site ages ago. I remember guffawing out loud in office when I read this. I forgot the website's name. Anybody wants to claim credit for this one?
The following was composed entirely by someone I didn't know, and is NOT based on anyone I know at all. Any resemblance is purely coincidental.
I also don't agree with ALL the points. I just find them written in a humourous and witty way.
Men's Biggest Mistakes.
1) NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogeneous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine trapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station ina hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs. Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn thing off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along the side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principal, but if you're not careful it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay, elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is to pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON
Every man's fear. Wish reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flickering your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours, try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's neccessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "-to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props, hot candle wax and permenant dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with a snapped hamstring.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
Monday, November 13, 2006
I need a break.
I need a break..
From my life. From everything. From everyone.
Depression.
I want to cry. But I can't.
Nothing's wrong. Nothing's happened to spark this off.
There is so much that I desperately need to say but my words will only add stress to him. And my words are not the type he likes to hear, and if I said them he'll only get angry and point fingers.
What's the point?
I just need to get out of here and go somewhere where I can be myself. Somewhere where I don't know anyone at all so they can't take me for granted. Where they'll at least show sincerity in their greetings.
I guess I need Tioman again.
I need a break..
From my life. From everything. From everyone.
Depression.
I want to cry. But I can't.
Nothing's wrong. Nothing's happened to spark this off.
There is so much that I desperately need to say but my words will only add stress to him. And my words are not the type he likes to hear, and if I said them he'll only get angry and point fingers.
What's the point?
I just need to get out of here and go somewhere where I can be myself. Somewhere where I don't know anyone at all so they can't take me for granted. Where they'll at least show sincerity in their greetings.
I guess I need Tioman again.
Pictoblog
Ah kong's 81st birthday gathering last night at a cousin's house.
The two camwhores of the family played with a helmet we found lying on the table.
The two stone figures who sat there contemplating the world,
This dude who likes to block people's way into the house,
The three camera shy girls. I managed to squeeze this one shot in before they all fled upstairs when I took out my camera.
That would be me having a very disturbed meal, what with everyone gathered around to gawk at the stone figures across the table from me.
After we got bored of the stone figures, we shifted upstairs to Shirong's room to ransack it.
Shirong's fireman helmet,
And the two camwhores who couldn't stop taking pictures.
So we found a deck of cards..
Pardon the devil. He's just being his annoying, irritating, no manners at all, stubborn and trying as hard as he can to make someone slap him self.
Mr Camwhore, Cheeyong,
And Miss Camwhore - Moi (it's pronounced mua, not moi).
And the very gay pictures Shirong has in his room.
Ah kong's 81st birthday gathering last night at a cousin's house.
The two camwhores of the family played with a helmet we found lying on the table.
The two stone figures who sat there contemplating the world,
This dude who likes to block people's way into the house,
The three camera shy girls. I managed to squeeze this one shot in before they all fled upstairs when I took out my camera.
That would be me having a very disturbed meal, what with everyone gathered around to gawk at the stone figures across the table from me.
After we got bored of the stone figures, we shifted upstairs to Shirong's room to ransack it.
Shirong's fireman helmet,
And the two camwhores who couldn't stop taking pictures.
So we found a deck of cards..
Pardon the devil. He's just being his annoying, irritating, no manners at all, stubborn and trying as hard as he can to make someone slap him self.
Mr Camwhore, Cheeyong,
And Miss Camwhore - Moi (it's pronounced mua, not moi).
And the very gay pictures Shirong has in his room.
Really dulan
I'm not dulan myself, actually, I'm just helping Yuffie to be dulan at Toshiba.
Specifically, their high-ended Tecr* laptops.
She bought this one-and-a-half years ago, and since then it has spoilt numerous times. The whole set's been changed before, and the most recent service results shows that the motherboard is spoilt AGAIN.
Crap notebook.
I'm not dulan myself, actually, I'm just helping Yuffie to be dulan at Toshiba.
Specifically, their high-ended Tecr* laptops.
She bought this one-and-a-half years ago, and since then it has spoilt numerous times. The whole set's been changed before, and the most recent service results shows that the motherboard is spoilt AGAIN.
Crap notebook.
Drawing Cars
There was this recent fad of drawing cars.
Okay, so it was only for one night. And two cars.
Victim #1 - Darryl.
and his beloved Toyota Vios.
And Victim #2 - Aaron.
And his baobei Integra.
Pardon the smiley face, my photo editing skills suck, so I can only perfect the art of taking away the numbers of dark coloured number plates.
The Culprits - Roger and Jasmine.
Still at large.
Anyone who sees them are NOT to report to any authorities, instead should surrender their preferably white car which hasn't been washed for months for their drawing pleasure.
There was this recent fad of drawing cars.
Okay, so it was only for one night. And two cars.
Victim #1 - Darryl.
and his beloved Toyota Vios.
And Victim #2 - Aaron.
And his baobei Integra.
Pardon the smiley face, my photo editing skills suck, so I can only perfect the art of taking away the numbers of dark coloured number plates.
The Culprits - Roger and Jasmine.
Still at large.
Anyone who sees them are NOT to report to any authorities, instead should surrender their preferably white car which hasn't been washed for months for their drawing pleasure.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Lazychoo's 25th Birthday
Lazychoo's 25! *ahem*old man*ahem*
This was taken in some ktv place in some RC. Lousy and small, yes, but cheap.
Celebrating his birthday along with Lazychoo was Yiming, whose birthday is just around the corner (or was it over already?)
With the girlfriends,
The original group of guys,
Kena sabo....
...... badly.
"Hurry up lah doi!"
*shivers*
Are you jealous yet, Vik?
Poor Lazychoo!
Supposedly posing to cut the wedding cake (like Lazychoo's 21st birthday cutting the cake) but chickened out,
Everybody.
Ang Pow presentation for the birthday boys.
Bullying Brian.
Bleah.
Guess what I got for him?
His old ones were smashed during the accident, and the old casing was lost, so I bought a new one and a new casing for him.
I think I'm going to live on maggie mee this month.
Lazychoo's 25! *ahem*old man*ahem*
This was taken in some ktv place in some RC. Lousy and small, yes, but cheap.
Celebrating his birthday along with Lazychoo was Yiming, whose birthday is just around the corner (or was it over already?)
With the girlfriends,
The original group of guys,
Kena sabo....
...... badly.
"Hurry up lah doi!"
*shivers*
Are you jealous yet, Vik?
Poor Lazychoo!
Supposedly posing to cut the wedding cake (like Lazychoo's 21st birthday cutting the cake) but chickened out,
Everybody.
Ang Pow presentation for the birthday boys.
Bullying Brian.
Bleah.
Guess what I got for him?
His old ones were smashed during the accident, and the old casing was lost, so I bought a new one and a new casing for him.
I think I'm going to live on maggie mee this month.
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