Excerpt from Espy


"IF is the word that keeps me going everyday. I just want you to know that, no matter what happens to either one of us. I will be right here waiting for you.

Until today, time has passed. People have moved on. But I refuse to jump into another relationship with anyone else. Because I know deep down inside of me. No one can replace you.Maybe someone else better is here along the way, but every individual is unique in their own ways. So what if someone else is better than you. She still won't be able to replace you in my heart. Because she isn't you. And that is the reason why I choose to remain single. Because you are irreplaceable.

Time will tell our story as it passes by every second.

As long as I am still breathing, I will be waiting for you.

A second chance for us to write a fresh chapter in the books is what I pray for everyday.

Nothing will change my love for you."

Lifted from Tianbao's blog http://number-55.blogspot.com/ . He wrote it to his ex-girlfriend after they broke up. I can't publicize why they broke up because the story is not mine to blog, but I can surely tell you bao has his reasons. And damn good ones at that.

Damn it, bao, why oh why do you have to make me so jealous?

I just want a relationship with a future. I just want one in which he will love me as much as I love him. I just want to understand what the fuck is true love and why everyone's chasing after it.

How hard is that?

You tell me.

I can feel the walls strengthening.


Haha. Unbelievably weird mood tonight.

Friends of his, you can say all you want about me, just keep in mind you've only heard his side of the story.

Friends of ours, if you want to get involved, at least listen to both sides of the story before you make judgement or run off to play with other people's bikes.

Friends of mine, thanks for standing by me. You want to listen to his side of the story?

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Special thanks to Yuffie and Daniel, who extended concern during that worst period of depression.

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Random Ramblings


Ten months ago I broke out of my shell to try a hand at love again, only to find that love held nothing for me.

That shell was built long before so that I won't hurt myself again.

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I'm building a wall of stone.

Around my heart.

Brick by brick.

Layer by layer.

The foundation must be good. They must never crumble. They must never melt upon small acts denoting love. They must never let me down, ever again.

Stone by stone. Brick by brick.

Let's build the wall up high. So high that even I can't see out of it. So hard and strong that even the most destructive machinery cannot break it down.

I'm building a wall of stone.

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Please, please, please do not pick an argument with me right now. I am on the verge of screaming and crying and pounding my fists into the wall until they bled.

Please do not pick an argument with me right now.

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She sat in a corner on the kitchen floor, in the dark. Staring out of the window at the starless night.

Knife beside her.

Silent tears running down her cheeks.

She feels as though the whole world is on her shoulders. She feels as though she is the most idiotic woman alive.

Well, not for long anyway.

She puts the knife to her wrist. The tears come down faster.

Suddenly she feels a warm tongue licking her.

It's her dog, licking away her tears.

She throws the knife aside and holds her dog tight. She's forgotten that someone else needs her, someone in the world loves her no matter what, and has been loyal and faithful to her all throughout their years together.

"Momma loves you baby," She sobs into her dog's fur. "and Momma'll never leave you. Baby.. Momma's so sorry.."

Time passed, and the night watched as a girl with her dog in her arms cried and cried, sobs wracking her body uncontrollably as spasms passed through her chest.

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I don't need your help. I don't need your pity. I just need you to understand. I just need you to stand in my shoes and understand how hard it was for me not to smash my fist into the wall with vengeance, again and again until the wall is smeared with red.

Believe me, I've tried that before.

I just need you to understand why it is that I'm feeling the way I feel. I just need you to understand how it feels like to be me. To be trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Please understand. Because nobody's ever did before.

Please understand.

I was wrong


It's not over yet.

I get this feeling it will never be over.

Can't blog much


There's a long, boring story attached to the reason why I'm not blogging as often as I should/want to.

My internet was down for a couple of days because of a fault that some idiot broadband company won't admit, telling us instead when the technician came that nothing was wrong and that the internet magically came back on itself. Come on, own up, lah! Would it kill for you to admit it?

Anyway, also attached to the reason was the fact that I've just gotten my new computer (along with all the new furniture in my room) and I can't find the software to upload photos from my digicam into my new computer.

Almost crashed and burned a couple of times these few days. There I was, happily cruising along at maybe 120km/h, music from my mp3 blasting away into my ears and daydreaming on my bike. One moment I was somewhere in la-la land waltzing with my prince, the next something went off in my head and I landed back in reality, just in time to pull myself and my bike away from what looked like an imminent crash had I not woken up. No, I wasn't asleep. I was thinking about a lot of things and somehow they clouded the road that stretched out in front of me.

Anyway, along with the depression and the insomnia, came Mr Flu. Thanks leh, thanks for ravaging me while I was at my weakest. Lucky for me it's over now.

I feel so much better now, after having a talk with Lazychoo's sister. I began to see things about our relationship from an outsider's perspective, instead of being blinded by my own hurt and insecurity. Of course, the pain and insecurity will always be there, but with a little help from Lazychoo I believe we can both curb it.

It takes both hands to clap. It also takes effort from both parties in a relationship for it to work. Shall we work towards a common goal?

Making babies





Eh, how come I dunch have?

Still depressed


What could be worse? Oh I know.

Insomnia.

Fuck.

Someone sweet talked to me about it today. Felt much better, but the feeling came back after he went offline.

What the hell is happening?

Let's just pretend I don't know. Let's just pretend I don't think. And let's just pretend I don't feel.

Now isn't that much better?

Except that it isn't. It still hurts inside. Fuck. It shouldn't hurt so much. What he's doing I'm trying to do as well. Why is it still hurting so much?

People say we're the sweetest couple. People say we look like a problem-free couple.

Well let me tell you this.

The couple that looks the sweetest, have the most underlaying problems of all.

Fuck you. Fuck you all to heck.

So much to say


So much to do. So much to post. Now where do I start?

I found out why the recent strong bout of depression. I just don't know why it originated.

While it's not all coming from Lazychoo, most of it is.

There are many things I can't say because most of them are "supposedly" out of my boundaries but I just come to know about them. Most of them I "found out", some of them I deduced.

I know how you feel. And there is no way I can do anything about it except feel jealous and helpless and worthless.

They say the woman you cannot get is the best woman you'll ever have. She is the woman you cannot get, I am the woman whom someone else cannot get, it does seem a little unfair on my side. Either way I lose out.

You know, the term "Girlfriend" is only a formality. You could love someone and treasure someone without having her be your girlfriend. And most of the time, the feelings exchanged between two persons who are not bound by formality but still deeply in love are much stronger than those who are.

Take me, for instance. Of all my past romances, the one I loved the most was the only one who was not my boyfriend.

So no point telling me she was not your girlfriend. Don't tell me nothing happened between you two.

And don't say if I did the same thing, if I went to meet my ex-boyfriends you would be ok with it because you trust me. One, you never mean what you say. Trust me, you won't be ok with it. And two, I've never done anything for you to distrust me.

Trust is earned, not expected. So don't expect me to trust you when you never mean what you say and never keep your promises.

If you're pining for her then go ahead. If you're persistant I'm sure she will accept you back. Don't just stick with me because I'm the only choice left. I'm sure she doesn't appreciate feeling like a spare tyre too.

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He still sees her every now and then. She is his customer, mah. Fuck.

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I hate your been-there-done-that, I-know-it-all attitude. It totally destroys whatever happy mood I'm in. It makes me not want to do anything new at all when you start giving that attitude.

I'm tired of all your weird reasons and excuses for your broken promises and your own contradiction.

I am depressed and I am irritable. I'm not taking anything anymore.

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I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to become a 35-year-old, having never tasted life the way I want to taste it and tied down by the reality of having my own family.

Heck, I'm only 19-years-old and already I'm not doing what other 19-year-olds or even up to 25-year-olds are doing.

I want my youth back.

But you know what? I guess this is just the way I am. I can't get it back. I can't want too much either with him in my life.

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Been at a family chalet for the past three days.

Pictures (too depressed to explain anything).

Cousin Cheeyong and his dad.





Lazychoo





The backs of Shirong and his girlfriend.



Leeling jiejie and jie-fu.



Sweet sweet.



My two small cousins



My brother-in-law, Jonathan, at the pit



Cousin Cheeyong



The July babies.



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I've been searching for the meaning of love for a long, long time.

I understand the love between a mother and her child, between families, between owners and pets, but I've never truly understood the love between two different persons who come to meet at a certain stage of their lives.

Many people have tried explaining to me, but none of them have ever given me a satisfactory answer. Which also means probably no one knows the meaning of that kind of love too.

They say no matter what kind of glitches in the relationship, love can conquer all. But what is the meaning of that love? You care for someone and you take care of someone and.. then what? What is it that makes you love someone so much that you can use that love to conquer all the glitches?

What is love?

What is true love?

You can't give me a satisfactory answer. No one can.

Updates on my room


After they removed everything..





These are still in the living room



... because the Salvation Army hasn't been by to collect them. I'm seriously thinking of donating everything to the karang-guni man.

While the men were working,



I was selfishly cooking for myself (hey, there weren't enough macaroni to go around okay?)



Anyway, the furniture came yesterday and this is how my room looks like now.







Don't be fooled by the neatness, anything and everything that looks messy is all stuff into whatever cupboards available.

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Bad period of time for blogging.

Why?

Because..
1) I haven't been writing for a long time, and most of my language-use has gone down the drain.
2) No mood to blog.
3) Stupid phone line dies on me every afternoon.

Ah well. Hopefully my mood will get better soon.

Recent updates


.. or as I prefer to call it "Posting of Random Photos because I'm too Lazy to attach a story behind every one" *evil grin* So bite me. Muahahahaha~

Our first Swensen's ice-cream together! Obviously the photo-blogger in me couldn't let such an opportunity pass.



And then the sweet girlfriend in me couldn't let pass an opportunity to take loving photos together as well.







And on top of that, I distinctly remember my Lazychoo promising to take me for a ride on the hot-air balloon *hint hint*.

Well I forgot to add this in on my post regarding the me-and-lazychoo-are-ok post. I kind of got to know from a friend that Lazychoo's telling them not to side me anymore so that "I will learn". He says I think I'm always right. Well hey, I AM always right. Because I don't do things against my conscience and if I did, I'd admit it. I own up to things I've done upon questioning, and not give crap answers and find some other topic to digress.

Feels kinda' weird though, having someone whom you trust the most do this to you. It's like spreading poison among your friends to turn them against you. That's the bad thing about having shared friends I guess. Maybe I should get my own friends.

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LazyCAT.

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Updates on my room...


About the trophies. I've decided to keep them. Who knows, they may serve as great ashtrays in near future.



A lifetime of achievements squeezed into one box. Isn't that just great.

Mom was eating in her room while I was cleaning and ignoring my dog, so imagine my surprise when I took a fiver and found her sitting there,



waiting for food from mom, which was impossible since my mom would rather eat a sock than to feed her.

Since I'm cleaning out everything, many things that tugged on my heartstrings had to go. Like this,



and this.



Others, however much I'd like to have more space, simply cannot go. Like this hourglass from an ex-ice-skater, who wanted me to treasure my time,



and this little dude, who's all that's left of my sleepless days.





I used to have a whole bunch of these mini tots on my bed back in my old house. Because of my insomnia I played with them silently every night, using the curves and crevices of my blanket I used to explore the most exotic places with the most unusual animals right on my bed.

But anyway the rest of the mini tots got soaked through by a can of Pepsi that exploded in my cupboard (long story) so he's all that's left.



These two came from when I was a wee toddler. Along with a whole bunch of other soft toys (three huge black garbage bags to be exact) they're going to the Salvation Army. Somebody please reccommend someplace else because I don't owe the Salvation Army anything. They're acting like its their divine right that I donate something, First they ignored my email, and after sending a repeated email with a harsher tone they're asking me to wait till mid of July before they can come pick the things up. Irritating buggers, I feel like donating the stuff to the karang-guni man more than them, but I think of the children.

Ah well.

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8.45pm Yesterday.


Alone.

In my room.

Night falls.

There's this sudden feeling of lonliness. This sudden feeling of being engulfed.

Engulfed. Funny how sometimes words get stuck in your head.

Engulfed by the darkness. Engulfed by the lonliness.

I wished the night would come and take me away.

I sat down in a dusty corner and began to cry. I don't know why.

Everything is coming along nicely. Yet it felt as if the world was crashing down around me.

Devestation. Destruction. People running and crying.

Where is my baby? Where is my son? Oh my god she's dead! Have you seen my husband?

People shrieking. Ambulance comes too late.

It's all in my head.

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I think I won't be in a good mood for these few days until my room is done. I mean, look around your room.

See that favourite soft-toy over there? Or perhaps a picture frame from a special occasion? Or even a couple of books, CDs, albums. They're all a part of your room. They're all a part of you.

What if one day you have to tell yourself that you have to remove them? That you have to throw them away to make way for new things coming into your life? That you had to throw away the past to make way for a change in your life?

They were once part of you. Now they're nothing but garbage in someone else's eyes.

Would you be in a good mood?

Wait, I'm talking about material things here. Stuff that has no feelings whatsoever. Making way for more stuff that has no feelings. I'm not talking about people here, so you can forget about the not letting go of past because it's a part of you thing.

Look, if I can do it, I don't see why you can't. I can let go of my 2 carat engagement ring. Screaming and kicking, I know, but I let it go. Can you let go of the pictures?

No, you can't. And I have no right to ask that of you. I can only blame myself for being so stupid as to let the ring go for your sake.

....................

Wait, why am I even on this topic?

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Him.

Taps my shoulder from behind. "Hey you."

Looks back. "Hey! Didn't expect to see you here." But of course I expected, he's only living nearby.

"Haven't seen you in awhile. You've gotten thinner." Yea right, like everyone else hasn't already told me that.

"And you too. How're things going for you?"

"Well everything's fine. Company up and running, no longer messing with the old group, how're things for you?"

"I'm fine too. Waiting for money to fall out of the sky so I can study."

He laughs.

"Still the same old you, I presume?" Puts a hand on my shoulder.

"No, not the same old me." Shrugs his hand away. "I'm not who I used to be."

"Well I can see that." Backs off. Lady walks up behind him and takes his arm. "Erm, Jazzy, I want you to meet my wife. Lily, this is Jazzy."

"Hi Lily." Eyes grow cold. She takes my hand and shakes it. Whispers into his ear.

"Er Jazzy, sorry but I've got someplace else to be."

"Sure. Nice meeting you, ----, and you too Lily. "

His eyes roam over my face. Searching for something. Sees only stone-cold expression.

Heaves a sigh and then he's gone.

I don't ever want to see you again. You who saw through my strength and wilfulness and saw a little girl crying out for help. You who told me I would've made a good... wife. You who went ahead and got married not two months after I found out the truth.

I never... ever want to see you again.

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Pak-tor session with Lazychoo again! I don't think I'd ever get tired of running around in pak-tor mode with Lazychoo *grins*



Can you guess where we went?







It's become a ghost town already, what with all the attractions down and the place seemed dead.

But anyway, I had fun while Lazychoo got dragged around to see the statues with me. He was pretty tired that day, which did dampen my mood a little bit but hey, we're out together, that's all that matters.

Went to look for CS later on at night that day and took a couple of artistic pictures while waiting for him to come back from a delivery.







Lazychoo looking stony,



And our Macdonald's delivery guy, CS.



End of incredibly long photoblog.

Time to blog


Well there is absolutely nothing to do today (I left my job by the way. Long story.) and my itchy fingers decided to do a little bit of exercise.

Lazychoo's still in camp, probably sleeping. The poor thing's just came back from outfield training. He's probably flat out by now.

Nothing much has happened these few days except that I am still in the process of cleaning up my room (gasp!) and it is here I shall show you the horrors.

No wait, my camera's not cooperating with me at the moment. Here are photos I took of my room long before I started cleaning it.

Let the horror show begin.

My so-called "study" table,



My so-called "dressing" table,



The area where I dumped everything when I started cleaning last year,



The "walkway" to the door,



And a chair posing as my bedside "table".



Fantastic, isn't it? I was completely contented with the arrangements because only I know where everything was. I only started cleaning when even I don't know where some of my things are.

Moral of the story: Keep track of where your things are.

Now let's see if the camera's willing to cooperate now. *takes brave stab at connecting camera...*

HaHA! Voila! Here we go!

Looking from the door inwards..



View from the windows.



See the little dudette there following me around despite the dust that was flying around everywhere?



She's my sweetest little girl.

Anyway, in the midst of cleaning I found a LOT of heartwarming things like this:



A tinkling music comes out from the box when you wind the tiny handle on the side, playing some Disney music. This is like, the only remnent of souveniors we brought back from Disneyland. Might not seem much to you, but it's a treasured piece of mine.

And these,



are my primary school basketball training/tournament jerseys.

I tried to keep them for as long as I could, but after digging them out I realized that the memories they brought back were more pain than heartwarming, so out they go! They're probably all cut up and sewn together as a rag lying under some dog or cat all the way in NANAS, alongside all the clothes I donated.

This is my empty bookcase which hasn't been empty since I moved here,



and it feels really weird having it empty. It's been in the family ever since my sister and I were wee tots crawling about. Now it's gotta go since I'm changing all the furnitures in my room.

Herein lies a hidden treasure trove..



inside one of the cupboards.

Here.



These were arranged in a fit of don't-know-what-to-do-with-the-empty-cupboard feeling and by and by I've come to love it. Everything in the room was cleared out except this cubbyhole. I just don't know what to do with it. I'd dearly love to keep it there, but I'm demolishing my bed sometime next week and they simply HAVE to go. But.. aaww.. I don't know what to do..

Ok, these were taken out of my wardrobe and meticulously arranged just for this picture. I need your advise, dear readers.



Should I keep them or throw them away?

In this pile there are small achievements and blardy huge achievements. Small meaning school races, school high jumps and stuff. Big achievements being inter-zone basketball (Gold), national basketball (Gold), Overall division champion, cross-country races, inter-school cross country races and stuff like that.

These are the remnents of the glorious days. Thing is, I don't want to look back at past achievements. I only want to look forward on push myself harder. But whenever I look at this pile here I feel a rush of pride that keeps me pushing myself harder, but there's also a feeling of lingering sadness. Those were the days. They're gone now. They're memories of another life that I'm not living now. Sigh.

Should I hang on to them, or let them go and become mere memories?

Okay, back to the topic at hand, this is me having my feet up after a day's hard work.



And this is me being itchy handed with my camera in hand disturbing my birds.





Cash acting cute and pretending to be a bat.

Hopefully I find the courage to clean up the bed-cupboard today!


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More reports of recent happenings..

Super sua-ku(mountain tortoise. i.e. a person who's never been around much)'s very first time at Cosy Bay (that explains the pictures).









See that red dot on top of a building on the left?



I was staring at it the whole night, pretending that it was Sauron's eye (from Lord of the Rings).


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Have I or have I not posted this before?



Found this lying around somewhere in my pictures folder and thought you guys might like to see. This is proof of how good a rider yours truly is!


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This is Tiny on the way to work.



And this is Tiny at work. Phew! *wipes sweat off brow*



And from the place where we caught Tiny, comes Jazzy and Lazychoo's first ever sticker photo after so long together. Finally.



Aaww..



Looking at it still makes me swoon~

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Artistic photo alert!

Here's Lazychoo and his colleague with too much time on his hands.



And here bro Vik after parading around in MY cardigan.



Couldn't get a photo of him actually wearing it, he wouldn't let me.

Here's Lazychoo messing around with Ben's suit.



"Lacer" Lazychoo.



And last but not least, MY BIKE ALSO HAVE CHAI! I have proof of it! See!



I can be ferry vegetables too, just like any of you guys can!

Haha.