Just realised this.

I've been blogging for one whole year now. Oh yay! My blog's birthday was two days ago! *Looks around for presents and sees none* Oh well, it's just my blog. Don't need no presents. Smiling everytime my tag-board is updated showing how caring my readers are is present enough for me.

Anyway, I apologise for my ultra-bitter-moody previous post. It's just not doing Kenny any justice. He's a great guy to be with, sweet and tender when he awake and not THAT tired. Sorry honey! Just letting off some steam.

I did say I was in PMS mode. Pretty much explains the moody posts recently, eh?

Blogging from Kenny's again. He's asleep (as usual) while I just feel like jumping out the window.

Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should just wait it out and see what happens. Maybe the pain will stop.

Maybe.

Hey, if I can make myself no longer be afraid of lonliness, what can't I do?

Seems like he doesn't care much. Well neither will I. I will no longer hurt. I will no longer cry. Fuck everything.

I'm moulting! Literally. The skin on my fingertips and my nose is peeling like no tomorrow.

Oh yea, about the dry swimming yesterday. We played at Roy's until Sam fell asleep, and then played some more. It only ended around noon. I paid a grand total of $2.70 in mahjong tuition fees while Kenny paid $6 and Jacq paid $13. Which makes Roy a slightly richer man than us. I don't care, Roy's gonna have to treat us dinner.

Speaking of dinner, I think I'll be whisking Kenny off to Outback for some time alone before his birthday this coming public holiday. Or Moonfish. What do you think?

Or anyways, why am I treating him so nice when he doesn't even care?

Because I am dumb.

I sound bitter, do I? Well that's probably because I AM bitter. About what, I don't really know. There's just this really bitter and sour feeling in my mouth that I want to get rid of.

Roy suggests badminton tonight, and my dear primary schoolmate suggests supper. I'm still in contact with three of my primary school mates, by the way. We come out for supper occasionally. It's just that we've all been busy for the past year to meet up much. I'll see how things go, depending on what time Mr Pig here decides to wake up.

Fuck, I really am so bitter I feel like strangling him. Or myself. No, I think him's better.

He has this automated response for everything that it's become a matter of protocol for him. No sincerity at all. Guys, don't you know that sincerity is the way to a girl's heart? And even if you've found a way into her heart, sincerity is still one of the best ways to keep her happy? (Notice I said "one of the ways". Not "the best way". So don't go blaming me if it doesn't work.)

He was talking in his sleep, and went "UUMMM" and "OKAY" as if responding to someone in his dreams. I don't hate the fact that he's talking in his sleep, I only hate the fact that his responses are all automated. Everything's automated for him. Even love.

Darn.

Heya! Now blogging all the way from Roy's house. Kenny, me, Sam, Jacq and Roy are all here, and we're going to start our swimming session soon. Dry swimming, that is.

Anyway, it's kinda' fun to be blogging from other people's houses. I think I'll make a blog post every single time I go to someone else's house. Looks fun.

Roy's back after his shower. We're gonna start!

P.S: In case you don't know what dry swimming means, it's mahjong.

I had so much to say, so much to blog about and I was going to make this post a really long one, but somehow I just forgot what it was that I wanted to blog about.

Anyway, the plans for the chalet are looking up with the inclusion of my sister and mother into the planning for BBQ. My sister and me are planning the food and the stuff to buy, and my mother's helping us with her famous marinated meats and seafood.

Mom's an ultra good cook. And I'm not saying this because I'm her daughter, everybody I know who'd tasted her cooking loves it.

Things are getting even better between me and Kenny since I let slip about the chalet thing. He's been paying more attention and loving me better. I wonder.

Does he only love me because I love him? Is it that he appreciates me only after I've done something for him? People have voiced their concerns about me loving him more than I ought to, and that he only loves me because he has to. That he's only loving me for the sake of having someone to love.

Thanks to all who have voiced out. I know that you're all concerned about me and care a lot about me. But I'd rather base my relationship on trust and hope that I am right in my decision. If I am not, let me get hurt and learn my own lesson. Let me learn how to be wary with my heart. But thanks anyway.

What I have been doing recently: Messing around a little too much with the bike group, working, planning, rushing through handicrafts, waking Kenny up for work with a cup of coffee at his door, and the rest of the time is pretty much spent sleeping.

I'll be going over to my god-mother's place to stay over tonight, they're going to Mandai Crematorium tomorrow for my brother's lunar death anniversary.

I've been thinking of him more and more recently. I think it's because his death anniversary is near. I can't help thinking about stuff that I should not think about, and I think I scared my sister by suddenly crying halfway through a show.

Still the same questions: Is he able to see me wherever he is? Is he even able to see anything at all? I had always believed that a person ceases to exist after he or she dies, but after losing an integral part of the family I wanted so much to believe otherwise.

This was found online:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."

I wonder if this applies to Ah Yang korkor. Somehow I know that he's not there, but still, it's comforting to know that something of his original self is there. For I do not know exactly where he is, and I take comfort in knowing that he might be near-by.

Is he... isn't he? Where is he?

I remember mentioning that I would not be able to blog often anymore because the computer I share with my sister has been shifted to her room. It's been really bothering me, not being able to blog for a couple of days because I get distracted VERY easily. With the TV blaring away just beside the computer screen, and my sister on the phone now behind me, I think I'm going crazy.

She's turned the TV on mute because it's commercial and she feels that she should at least grant me the commercial time to blog. Argh why am I such a pushover? Why did I agree to let her move this stupid thing into her room anyway?

I have really short term memory. I easily forget what I did more than a couple of days ago, which is why it is important for me to blog as soon as possible after an event or something.

Great, commercial's ended and she's turning on the sound again. Just great.

Gawd I feel like such an idiot now..

Just remembered that Kenny posted something about blogging in his friendster blog a few days ago and it didn't make much sense. I got curious today about it not making sense, so I checked back with his blogspot blog. He did make some updates, and I don't have much to say about how I feel about them but that I'm all numb inside.

Numb again. That's the closest I can get to not tearing my hair out. It's my protection against all rain and sleet. Every time it hurts I envision liquid metal spreading all over my heart, slowly hardening, tight to the point where my heart could not beat, to the point where nothing can get to it. As an extra precaution, I build high blocks of wall all around my heart, so that nothing touches even the metal. That's when I lock out the rest of the world. That's when I am safe.

Anyway, he talks of a surprise that I am planning for him. Does he really know? Is there really a back-stabber in my group? I thought it weird when one of them gave me a sheepish look when I said I wanted to maintain the secrecy, and told me that it makes no difference whether its a surprise or not.

Look, dude, I have worked my ass off to maintain this secrecy, I have tortured my mentality just to keep it, I don't like keeping secrets, and you had to go spoil everything I built up? Looks like I'm doing all this for nothing. I might as well collect money from all of you in front of him. as opposed to what I'm doing now. Like a bloody rat. You could've at least told me so that I could've had a better time organising the thing. I wouldn't have to go through that depressed feeling everyday then.

I feel like such a bloody idiot now. Gleefully thinking that he doesn't know but in fact has known it all along. Bah bloody humbug.

I'm not working for you honey, I've already got everything planned and quartered out, I'm only working because I don't like having empty pockets. And I'm "chionging" the work this week because I figured that I'd be spending more next month. And since I've skipped twice of my weekly alcohol intake, I think I'm going to make up for it this week.

Word of advice to all contacts. I do not like monosyllables like "hhmmm" and "ok". By "ok" I meant via sms. If I tell you something and you agree with it and intend to reply with a single "ok", skip it. I'd rather you not reply than with a single meaningless "ok". My messages are important to me; when I receive one and feel happy about it, and open it to find a single monosyllable, it's frustrating.

Maybe if I stopped caring so much this pain would stop. Maybe if I started thinking like those bimbos that people stereotype me with, I wouldn't even feel this pain. But nah, I don't want to go all brainless.

Thought of the day: Miscommunication causes misunderstanding, do you know that? By putting ambiguous nicks in your msn, you could cause a lot of tension.

Alarm is ringing. I gotta go work. Come drink with me.

Here I am, once again at Kenny's house, blogging away because he's sleeping and I'm bored. Not "Oh, I'm just a little bored" but FREAKIN' BORED.

It's so hot because his air-con's not working well, my bladder's bursting because his family's in the living room and I'm too shy to go out, the lights are off and I'm going to go blind from staring at the lit screen, and I think I'll just content myself with a little more grumbling.

I have to say, I feel a little neglected sometimes. But that's just me, it's no one's fault except my own. I am just too goddamn sensitive and relient on everybody else. I contemplated not bringing the phone out for one whole day, but found that the group's calls and messages are too important to me. How weak-minded of me.

Anyway, on a lighter subject, I recently acquired lots of cuts and bruises on my arms. Two bleeding cuts on my left hand courtesy of my lovely Cash (the grey right above my tagboard), one long shallow scrape down my left arm and a dep cut on my right, courtesy of me FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS. Yea you heard me, I freakin' fell down the stairs. Bruises courtesy of the scrapes, and a few on my legs from kicking the goddamn safety bar of SSDC's lovely bikes.

I like the song From This Moment, but I don't bloody want to hear it. Don't ever let me hear it, because it makes me think of things I don't want to think of.

Woah, I sound so feisty!

Gotta run now, gotta wake up the pig and run off to meet Anthony for dinner. See ya!

Because I am so damn free in the middle of the night, and for once the TV isn't blaring away, I shall reveal my inner desire to learn Spanish.

¡Quiero aprender español!

Ok, that aside, I shall now try my hand at Spanish blogging.

Yo me olvidé lo que era que quise al blog.

I totally suck at this, but hey, I'm trying right?

Anyway, I really forgot what it was that I wanted to blog about. I had it in my head, but as usual when I sit down in front of the computer everything goes plok! And cue blank.

Will try to update when I remember.

Oh, and in case you're really free and would like to know what it was that I wrote in Spanish, try http://www.freetranslation.com/ .

Welcome, Rene, into the readership of Jazzyme's! For people who don't know him, his name's not pronounced as Ree-nee, but Re-nae (Sorry, that's the closest I can get to pronouncing your name in letters). He's an old friend of my sister's, a brother of sorts, so he used to be quite close to the family. Hello there! Well, haven't been up to much, just a lot of messing around and generally being a clown, how about you?

EhYa, Jazzyme hollaring all the way from Kenny's house! *Sorry for nigga' talk, he's got nigga' music on now and I'm feelin' like a nigga' bitch yo!*

Special thanks to April and Fie who extended their hugs when I was feeling down a couple of days ago. And Su for always trying to catch my attention in my tagboard (you're always on my mind sweetie Su).

Plan for the night: Marina Square for a movie and pool session. Everyone seems unenthusiastic.. Come on guys, it's a Friday night! Friday nights are MADE for going to far places (not that I consider Marina Square to be far, we have our bikes, remember?)

Oh and by the way, any of you sexy ladies out there wanna take up exotic dancing? I'm thinking of takig a class next year, and I hear that it would be better to attend it with a friend so you can practise together. Anyone?

Just received comment that my blog posts are getting fewer and further in between. Not to mention the fact that most recent ones are not making much sense. Anyway, this post is dedicated to you, Mr. Wacky Kid.

Passed my prac 5 yesterday, was so exhilerated that I hissed a silent "Yes!" and jumped up and down. The instructors were all staring at me as if I were some crazy hag.

Saw a few of my ex-schoolmates taking the same time slot that I had. There was this guy, Charles if I remember correctly. We sat at the same bench while the instructor briefed us about the test route, not talking to each other. Not even a "hi".

We went to the same nursery. We went to the same kindergarden. Heck, we went to both the same primary school and secondary school together. But somehow over the years, directly after we went to different classes in secondary school, we kind of just stop talking. So this guy next to me whom I spent most of my education with, is nothing more than just another stranger.

Sad, isn't it?

Did say hi to a few other friends but we went our own way after that.

My head feels as if its going to fall off anytime. My nose is running, it just grew tiny little legs one day and started running around. I haven't caught it since. My eyes are teary because I can't sneeze when I want to because I haven't caught my nose yet.

I'm having flu', lah!

Getting really tired of having to hug the toilet roll wherever I go. *lets go of almighty roar*

I just found out (only last night) that at a certain time, in certain weather, the moon shines down on my pillow. I'm not kidding. I've lived here for close to six years and this is the first time I know about it. I was messing around artistically in my room last night until 4am. Just two minutes after hitting the pillow I found that it seemed exceptionally bright. I opened my eyes and there it was! Peering out behind my curtains was the brightest and roundest moon I ever did saw. Moonshine flooded my vision and I felt a moment of blessing.

Usually my curtains hang down and cover ever inch of my window. But after I installed that clip-on lamp at my bedside I couldn't cover that tiny patch of window anymore. It's amazing how the moon could sneak in at such an amazingly coincidental angle. I am one of the very blessed few to have the moon shining down on me every night as I sleep. Isn't that something to be thankful for?

Things have been good with Kenny again, having let everything out and putting everything on the edge for a moment. Then I realized that Kenny's much too important to me to let my feelings override my thoughts, so everything's fine and dandy now.

Ain't life great (other that the bloody flu')?

Been writing lots of poems. (Note: still in bad mood mode so everything will be curt.)

Posted these in WLNY forum. Not pleased to show you another side of the relationship, but these are really how I feel.

Supression

Why is she still here
When I am in your room?
Her presence fills every corner
Her clothes
Her bags
Her shoes
Her makeup
All left as they were the day she was gone.
Have I not taken up the emptiness that she left behind?
Have I not done enough for you to love me wholly as someone different from her?
You said it was because of laziness
I did not pursue
But how lazy can one get to hurt the one he loves?
Excuses
Excuses
I don't want no excuses
It hurts deeply every time I step into your room
Every single time
It cuts like a blade deep into my already bleeding heart
Hast thou no conscience?
But I suppress
And I suppress
The hurt that I feel inside
Is exploding.

BOOM!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Unwhispered Resignation

A movie that went by unattended
A kiss that did not linger
A hug that reeked of habit
It was all groomed to perfection by her.

What I'd prefer when we meet:
A great big grin
A teddy bear hug
A passionate kiss
A "How was you day, dear?"

Instead, what I got was:
A nod of acknowledgement
A hint of a smile
The briefest of touches on my hip
And off you go to chitter-chatter enthusiastically with our friends.

What a good impression.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Jumble Of Thoughts

Don't tell me your past,
It is the present I care about.
Don't let me know how much you loved her,
It is how much you love me that I want to know.
How could it be that I feel resignation inside?
How could it be that I feel desolation inside?
This is not an emotional rollar coaster ride,
And yet I feel the ups and the downs
Every single day.

Like the hard surface of the mountainous granite
All rough and dark and cold.
My heart.
But with a single pinprick
Blood seeps like a freshly slaughtered lamb
Screaming and kicking and holding on for dear life
Oh the bittersweet trajectory of being the girl so easily gotten!
"得不到的女人，永远最好"

I didn't want to know, don't let me know
I'd rather live in my own world of fantasy
I just want to hollar and scream
"I DON"T WANT TO KNOW!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Depression

They say that when you cry all the time it's depression
They say that when you feel suicidal it's depression
They say that when you feel as if the world has nothing left for you
It's Depression.

They didn't say if its depression when you can't cry
Because tears don't come no matter how hard you try.
They didn't say if its depression when you can't scream
When your voice is all but gone and you can do nothing.

They didn't say if its depression when you know what's wrong
But can do nothing about it.
It's out of your control, out of your reach.
When all has been spilled out, yet everything is still inside
When no matter how hard you try, nothing seem to matter
Nothing seems to matter to him.

Here are the rest of the pictures that I hosted:















In a terribly horrible mood now. I don't want to elaborate anything else.

Warning: PMS mode - On.

Stay the fuck away from me.

Since the glitch with the hosting of pictures, I kinda' lost the enthusiasm for blogging everyday. Unless I know that I'm letting readers down by not posting as often, I won't be posting as often anymore.

Okay I'm going to try one more time to host the pictures...

Ha! Success! Here's what I hosted:

The little brat on my Ah Gong's lap on his 80th birthday celebration..



A very dear and cheeky cousin of mine



We're trying to make my cousin look like the luckiest man on Earth, but somehow he's just too shy.



Twin Towers and the mini people!



That's all I hosted for the moment, will be back to update when I edited, resized and hosted everything.

I'm not the type to start a blog post with "Oh, today was a happy day~!", but I feel like doing it now. Today was indeed a happy day!

Clubbing with Shawn and his colleagues, talked about bikes, drank, danced, and for once was still completely sober after I left them.

We first went to Fullerton's One on the third floor. Got simply too boring so we shifted to the second floor. Even more boring, not to mention cold.

Hopped to Liquid Room in the end, met Kegan! Haven't seen him for quite some time, he's the one I always go to Phuture and Velvet with.

Kenny fetched me from Liquid Room, while Shawn and company went to Mdm Wong's. He was waiting downstairs in his van while I finished chatting with Kegan.

*blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, skipping of events that I don't want to note down..*

We went off to Lower Seletar for a chat. Sitting on the ground, feeding those awfully cute rats, I think I'm addicted to Lower Seletar. Will make it a habit to go at least once a week (with someone, of course).

We talked about his friends and our friends, about Tioman, basically about those light-hearted subjects. Our topics are usually heavy, so it was quite refreshing for once to just feel all floaty and light-headed (or maybe it was because of the drinks) while chatting (and actually making sense).

We both got too tired to continue, so we decided to make our way back. There was already a slight drizzle, which transformed into rain once we got on the van.

Cruising along slowly in the rain, listening to cheesy oldies (hey, I like them!), was so romantic! It was the exact spice I needed. The rain continued all the way till we reached my block. When he stopped, he leaned over and gave me a long sweet kiss to the tune of Unchained Melody. Cheesy, I know, but I love it. He then told me to wait in the van while he went out into the rain himself to get me an umbrella. So sweet!

I got down from the van, he with one arm around me and the other covering my hand which was holding the umbrella, we walked in the rain together. For that short distance and time, I was totally in bliss. I couldn't think of anything else other than my adoration for this man standing next to me, loving me and protecting me.

And at the door, we got a secret surprise. I won't say it here, but if he reads this he'll understand what I means. What a spoiler!

I love you
I adore you
I want to spend the happiest moments of my life with you
I want to wake up in the morning and see your smiling face
I want to be the one you turn to whenever you have something on your mind
You know I love you,
You feel it too.
I love you, my dear Kenny
To the point of making a poem not sound like a poem at all

Darn, I suck at this. But who cares? I'll write what I want and how I want.

*still totally in bliss*

Okay, my bad, I didn't come in as promised. But how could you blame such a sweet girl like me?

What's been happening these few days.. hm... I don't seem to remember anything except that we went out a LOT, mostly consisting of half of the original supper kopi khakis.

Let me see how I can summarize everything. It would help if I could remember what happened and where I stopped. Anyway, the last thing I remember is going to Escape theme park and a steamboat at Anthony's house.

Something's wrong with the pictures and I'm too distracted to edit anything, so I won't be posting them up anytime soon. My sister's shifted the computer to her room, where it is situated right beside her blaring TV set and me being someone who is distracted very easily, I won't be able to blog as often anymore (unless she shifts the computer out to the living room, which will happen in like, another hundred years).

Anyway, will abandon the thought of trying to describe what happened these past few days, and will continue blogging as if nothing's happened. Ha!

Okay, okay, I know I'm bad for not coming in to update for such a long time. It's just that so much have been happening around me and that I've been simply too busy to do any postings and stuff.

Do forgive me.

Anyways, here's a picture for you to mull over.



Believe it or not, this lovely thing will be mine as soon as Anthony quotes me a price by Monday.

I won't be awfully busy on Monday, so I promise a nice long post by then. Keep watching!

I read back on my previous posts and realized that my recent posts are not doing Kenny any justice. It's all been affected by depression and sounds as if Kenny's been bullying me.

Well, you'll be glad to know that he's not. He is truly a great guy, who loves me probably as much as I love him, if not more. We've been spending quite some time together, and I'm happy to report that everything is going very well for the both of us.

He tucks me in the crook of his arm and talks to me until he falls asleep. He plants kisses on my forehead. He makes an effort to reach out to me in my darkest moments, no matter how small the matter that's been disturbing me is. He dotes on me like a princess sometimes, and I love the way he loves me.

I appreciate the small moments that we share that makes me truly happy. The ride home from my cousin's house. The fast food dinners. The romantic drive in Roger's car. The way he says "Hi darling" for nothing. His awfully cute habit of letting his hands hang over my knees at red lights. His sexy collar-bone. How thoughtful he is at times.

I wait in anticipation everyday for the moment I see him again, to discover more small romantic moments that we're going to share.

He will never do anything to hurt me if it's within his power. I trust him with my life.

Kenny. My Kenny. The Kenny I hold so dear and will never let go of.

My Kenny.

Slice me to ribbons
I can no longer breathe
Someone get me a gun please
I need a release

Shadows torment and torture
I can no longer see
Blood gushing out inside
My soul is torn asunder.

Emptiness has built a home in me
And I am all but hollowed out
Deception and secrecy has become a way of life
How much longer do I have to hide?

Confusion feeds like a savage
How could you have kept this from me?
Screams of silence penetrate my world
Darkness prevails, once again

I paint my face everyday in the hopes that it can mask the rawness inside. Everyday I go home with smudged mascara, the sign of crying, but I did not cry.

I've been wasting too much tears recently. I didn't know I could cry so much, as if I'm like any other normal girl. I never used to cry. Now my tears are all spent and I just feel this emptiness inside.

As I slowly trudged to work in the past few days, I lived in a world of my own. I noticed people staring, complimenting, but I didn't care. I just wanted the night to be over with. I just wanted to go home and lie in my bed and hide from the rest of the world.

Is there a reason for this, I hear you say. Do I need a reason to feel depression in such magnitude that I wish I could just throw myself off the cliff?

Work wasn't bad, drinks and smoke, but having to entertain people all the time when I don't feel like it is exhausting. But I have to go on. I need the money. I want to get my license done as soon as possible, and I want my SP or RR as soon as possible.

Where are my tagboard shit-stirrers? They make me feel good about myself. And Y, didn't you say you want nothing more whatsoever to do with me? Why are you still in my tagboard? Get a life, dude.

Missed bike shopping today. Slept all through. Dang, I wanted to see all those bikes!