Shattered


Random squawk: Mixed thoughts and jumbled confusion up ahead. I strongly discourage you guys from reading it.


Have you ever had a dream for something big in your life?

Have you ever had a choice to make that dream come true?

Have you ever been faced with a choice of shattering your own dream in someone else's hands?

He keeps saying I've changed. The only answer I can find is that a person can only bear with certain things for so long before he/she explodes.

He's changed too. I used to laugh at my ex-colleague for having such a possessive husband, who gives her hell if she sits in someone else's car. When asked, I'd say my boyfriend trusts me completely.

After DW's case, there were suddenly chains on my hands and legs. Every single move was to be reported. Who I met, where I'm going, where I am, what I'm doing.

I tolerated it. And because I told him everything there was to say, leaving nothing out, I expected him to return me the courtesy he asked of me. But it wasn't to be. All along, there were loopholes in his words. I just didn't think they mattered. Now I know that the loopholes are the most important ones. Unless I specifically asked a question, he would not have told me anything.

I always thought we were special. We are so many things that other couples aren't. Until he insisted that we weren't special. Which meant that we could easily find someone else to replace each other. Which also meant that if we do get married, it'd be a marriage of convenience, not because we were special.

Ask yourself. Why do you want to get married? So you can put a heavier chain on me? So you can do anything you like because I don't believe in divorce? No point getting a house of our own also, because there won't be a house of our own.

So what is it?

And marriage isn't something you rush into no matter how old you are. There must be the foundation of love and trust, of which trust is at completely ground zero now. You character comes into question as well. Will we still be able to tolerate each other even after we grow old and grey?

Beauty fades, only inner beauty remains.

I haven't come to a conclusion whether I am prepared to give up my dream right now, so unless you can do anything about it, best not to talk to me about marriage right now.

When you get into a relationship, there are sacrifices you have to make to keep the relationship alive. It's not all roses and rain. You don't get to keep everything you want. I've learnt that way before you did.

I never did know what jaded means, until recently. I don't feel anything. Not even numbness. Just a mechanical "whrrr whrrr" inside.

Uncomfortable, though.

P.S: Just a warning though, there is nothing to dislike about my family. If I hear anything bad about my family, ever, including the entire Tan clan(Leeling jiejie and jie fu included), that's it. This applies to everyone I know. If I hear anything bad about them, fuck civilisation, you're gonna get it BAD.