This is madness


Random squawk: http://theotherbeautiful.blogspot.com/2007/06/pain.html


And yay, I've officially lost my right to even feel unhappy.

I can't even show the sad face or he'll keep asking about it, and when I finally do tell him, he'll flare up about it.

I don't even want to tell you things anymore. Explain, you get angry. Don't explain, you get angry. I think you can just get a knife, carve out my heart and install batteries in me, so I won't feel anything and just be your clockwork companion.

I'm already making the effort by actually agreeing to go clubbing with them, even though I've told you many times that I don't want to see them ever again. Why would you think I'd agree to such a stupid thing?

If I do go, I'm sure we'd be quarrelling over the same thing again, about me giving them the cold shoulder.

You're unreasonable!

You took everything away from me, force me to accept certain things I don't want to accept, now you're taking away my right to feel unhappy. You want to have friends, you shouldn't have forced me to meet them with you every single time. You want to have friends, I want nothing to do with them.

You know what? I don't want to try anymore. No more Zouk. I once gave you a choice, and I see you've made that choice last night. Again.

I fully understand. You can go do whatever you want, meet whoever you want, go ahead. I won't care anymore. I can just throw myself into work, into studies, and into my part-time work, so you can meet them ALL YOU WANT without forcing me to go along.

Just don't expect me to give you a good attitude after that.

I'll tell you the reason why I took up this night job. Part of it was because I needed the money. Major part of it was to escape from you. From your chains. From your clutches. From your friends.

Just last night after a hot shower, I had to resort to squatting down in the bathroom with my arms around my knees, dripping wet, staring at my reflection on the wet floor, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. Splashing my reflection with tears. Hiding in the bathroom so you wouldn't see my sadness.

Still, you saw today, and made a big deal out of it.

On a side note, though, if meeting them without me feels so hollow, why meet them in the first place? You told me before that you didn't like meeting them. Just to entertain them? To keep the group together? Why keep together a group you don't even like? And drag your girlfriend into it?