I don't really know what to post today.
Seriously, I'm developing a very serious blogger's block. A lot of people don't notice, but blogging consistantly isn't easy. I've seen many people give up blogging within a few months, just because they're too lazy/no time to blog/don't know what to blog about.
And I am not going into the "today I did what and what and went where and where with so and so... " way of blogging, because its really boring, I might as well not blog.
Finally cleaned out the last of Mazda's, Mika's and Cash's cages, next comes the fish tank.
Did some stitchwork today that I was supposed to complete tomorrow in time for Leeling jiejie's birthday, but it was so back-breaking that I decided to get something else for her. I'll finish that stitchwork on my own time.
Don't really know why, but I am so into jazz nowadays. No, not ME, the music genre jazz you nincompoop. Had the pink champange CD in my stereo while I was stitching away.
Hm.. block.. block.. block..
Ah yes, in any case of a serious blogger's block, I will write articles about a few specific friends of mine. Doesn't matter if you're close to me or not, if you're a friend of mine, watch out!
Hiak.
PS: For those of you who come here for the kick of thinking this blog is X-rated, you'll be disappointed. I am not so desperate for people to visit as to resort to turning it into an X-rated blog.
So there!
Friday, July 08, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
Just read something online that almost made me cry.. Here it goes (note: words and language not mine. This came straight from the source):
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls attention. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn t help doing so.
I moved Dew's hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something to tell you, I said.
She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.
She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.
I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn't notice that our life was lack of such intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.
She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. You got no fever, she said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you. I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed by the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favourite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greetings on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
Aaww~!
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls attention. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn t help doing so.
I moved Dew's hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something to tell you, I said.
She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.
She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.
I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn't notice that our life was lack of such intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.
She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. You got no fever, she said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you. I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed by the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favourite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greetings on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
Aaww~!
Why is it that I love to use words that I know no meaning of? What is love anyway? I care for him, I want him to be happy, I am happy just being with him, but that is counted as 'like'. In which case, doesn't love mean the same thing?
I've been searching for the meaning of love for a long time. Those of you who were in my friendster list for a long time would remember me posting a bulletin asking for the meaning of love.
It goes something like this:
Teach me how to love again, please? Seriously, I've forgotten what true love is, a kind of love you share with someone where there is no mask to hide behind, no insecurities. How does it feel to have something that special?
I know some people may tell me that love is when you see that person, your heart beats faster and all that. But isn't that just infatuation? How do you know for sure if you are in love or just plainly infatuated with someone? There IS a fine line between love and infatuation.
How do you differentiate between these two?
If love is based on trust, then what if you can't trust anyone anymore, no matter how hard you try? What if you were hurt, again and again that you can't trust anyone but yourself? Do you get to fall in love or will it be just another infatuation?
What is love anyway?
Tell me. I want to know. I want to learn how to love again.
Will you please teach me how?
Will you?
I've been searching for the meaning of love for a long time. Those of you who were in my friendster list for a long time would remember me posting a bulletin asking for the meaning of love.
It goes something like this:
Teach me how to love again, please? Seriously, I've forgotten what true love is, a kind of love you share with someone where there is no mask to hide behind, no insecurities. How does it feel to have something that special?
I know some people may tell me that love is when you see that person, your heart beats faster and all that. But isn't that just infatuation? How do you know for sure if you are in love or just plainly infatuated with someone? There IS a fine line between love and infatuation.
How do you differentiate between these two?
If love is based on trust, then what if you can't trust anyone anymore, no matter how hard you try? What if you were hurt, again and again that you can't trust anyone but yourself? Do you get to fall in love or will it be just another infatuation?
What is love anyway?
Tell me. I want to know. I want to learn how to love again.
Will you please teach me how?
Will you?
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Whew!
What a whirlwind these few days!
Well, my third day as a GRO was the best! It was on Friday, which meant lots of people and drinks. Yaorong was there as well. I caught his eyes shooting daggers at customers who were talking too intimately with me.
He didn't like what he saw. Needless to say, I quit the job. So there.
Before that, I was actually working/helping out FREE as a race queen for the dreamcars event at Expo.
Pictures!
Do I look wired or what?
Me and gingerhusky, a fellow member of MOP. It was her skirt I was wearing, by the way.
Me and the elusive DareDevil, also a fellow member from MOP.
I look so fat beside gingerhusky!
The souped-up DC-5 Integra that I was working with.
The race queens specially flown from Japan.
She looks like a doll! So cute.
My turn! hiak
Photo taken with Ivan, my previous HR manager and owner of the Integra.
Well, after I went through with the judging and finished everything, I went outside with Ivan and a few of his friends to collect my stuff from Ivan's company van.
Right smack beside his van was this striking thing they called a Ferrari.
I was going goo goo ga ga over that car when one of his friends asked if I would like to sit in it. I thought he was only teasing so I immedietly replied him "Of course la! Such a nice car!"
He gave me such a shock by really opening the car door and turning the ignition on. I was so shocked that I couldn't believe it!
Please. Have a drool. Be envious, jealous even, of me.
And to prove the authenticity of the car, we took a picture of this as well.
Gawd it is such a beautiful thing!
What a whirlwind these few days!
Well, my third day as a GRO was the best! It was on Friday, which meant lots of people and drinks. Yaorong was there as well. I caught his eyes shooting daggers at customers who were talking too intimately with me.
He didn't like what he saw. Needless to say, I quit the job. So there.
Before that, I was actually working/helping out FREE as a race queen for the dreamcars event at Expo.
Pictures!
Do I look wired or what?
Me and gingerhusky, a fellow member of MOP. It was her skirt I was wearing, by the way.
Me and the elusive DareDevil, also a fellow member from MOP.
I look so fat beside gingerhusky!
The souped-up DC-5 Integra that I was working with.
The race queens specially flown from Japan.
She looks like a doll! So cute.
My turn! hiak
Photo taken with Ivan, my previous HR manager and owner of the Integra.
Well, after I went through with the judging and finished everything, I went outside with Ivan and a few of his friends to collect my stuff from Ivan's company van.
Right smack beside his van was this striking thing they called a Ferrari.
I was going goo goo ga ga over that car when one of his friends asked if I would like to sit in it. I thought he was only teasing so I immedietly replied him "Of course la! Such a nice car!"
He gave me such a shock by really opening the car door and turning the ignition on. I was so shocked that I couldn't believe it!
Please. Have a drool. Be envious, jealous even, of me.
And to prove the authenticity of the car, we took a picture of this as well.
Gawd it is such a beautiful thing!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Duh..
I've found out that I should NOT blog after I come back from work. I tried that last night and all that came out was gibberish, so I deleted the entire thing.
Guess my mind's too jumbled up with all that alcohol in my system.
Last night wasn't so bad. In fact, I had a better time last night than on Monday. I met these nice people, people like Bob from Texas, Joe from California, Sreeram from India, and Johnny from Hongkong.
There were people from Monday who came back last night. Like Simon and Edward. Edward even called and asked if I was around before coming over. Such a nice feeling!
I opened another two bottles last night, and Hazel was so happy with me. She hinted that she's looking to replace this other GRO, Amy, and that my chances are looking up.
Got a little drunk halfway through, so I switched to plain water for the rest of the night. Learnt a few card and dice games from Hazel last night. Luckily, I pick things up fast, so I didn't have to drink so much.
As I put on my makeup yesterday, a tear silently slid down my cheek. I don't know why, I wasn't even feeling sad or anything. It just happened. It smeared my mascara, leaving a trail of darkness where it fell.
As I looked into the mirror, I see a face. A meticulously painted face, each brush and stroke painted with care. A crack, emitting from the eye trailing all the way down spoils everything.
The girl with the broken painted face.
Maggie mee for lunch again.
I've found out that I should NOT blog after I come back from work. I tried that last night and all that came out was gibberish, so I deleted the entire thing.
Guess my mind's too jumbled up with all that alcohol in my system.
Last night wasn't so bad. In fact, I had a better time last night than on Monday. I met these nice people, people like Bob from Texas, Joe from California, Sreeram from India, and Johnny from Hongkong.
There were people from Monday who came back last night. Like Simon and Edward. Edward even called and asked if I was around before coming over. Such a nice feeling!
I opened another two bottles last night, and Hazel was so happy with me. She hinted that she's looking to replace this other GRO, Amy, and that my chances are looking up.
Got a little drunk halfway through, so I switched to plain water for the rest of the night. Learnt a few card and dice games from Hazel last night. Luckily, I pick things up fast, so I didn't have to drink so much.
As I put on my makeup yesterday, a tear silently slid down my cheek. I don't know why, I wasn't even feeling sad or anything. It just happened. It smeared my mascara, leaving a trail of darkness where it fell.
As I looked into the mirror, I see a face. A meticulously painted face, each brush and stroke painted with care. A crack, emitting from the eye trailing all the way down spoils everything.
The girl with the broken painted face.
Maggie mee for lunch again.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The sinking feeling is here again..
I stare at the abyss that which I have gotten out of, every day.
Depression setting in. What is depression? Why do I use this word so freely, as if it is nothing more than a common flu?
I wish I could just throw everything to the wind, to stand by the sea, ignoring what the others think about me and scream until my throat rips, until the blood spurts out and form a river, going on forever. I wish to make this river of sadness now.
With my blood.
Why is this feeling here? Why is it that I can feel extreme happiness at one moment, total depression at the other? Why is it that I feel like doing unspeakable things to myself?
But I don't. For the sake of my animals.
What if one day I just blew up? What if I fell back into the abyss again and perhaps never find a way to get out?
I stare at the abyss that which I have gotten out of, every day.
Depression setting in. What is depression? Why do I use this word so freely, as if it is nothing more than a common flu?
I wish I could just throw everything to the wind, to stand by the sea, ignoring what the others think about me and scream until my throat rips, until the blood spurts out and form a river, going on forever. I wish to make this river of sadness now.
With my blood.
Why is this feeling here? Why is it that I can feel extreme happiness at one moment, total depression at the other? Why is it that I feel like doing unspeakable things to myself?
But I don't. For the sake of my animals.
What if one day I just blew up? What if I fell back into the abyss again and perhaps never find a way to get out?
Heh *looks sheepish*
I apologize for the boring previous post. Well, me and my mother, we both have something in common. She says things in a fit of anger, and I write things in a fit of anger.
Hmz.. what should I blog about on this really boring and uneventful day?
Work started yesterday. My first day!
Everyone was so nice to me on my first day. I had at least a few tables asking for me. One of the customers even opened a bottle of vodka for me! WoOt!
Well, all I had to do was to keep topping up the customers' glasses and perhaps sit down and chat with them when I am free. These customers are so nice! This guy Suresh offered to buy me dinner, and Keith opened the bottle of vodka for me. The rest of the customers were all friendly too.
They kept on making me drink.
After awhile, I shifted to another table and got to know two more customers, Simon and Mark. Had a good chat with them over there, opened another bottle and switched to plain water for me.
I'd had far too much to drink last night.
After awhile, they started chatting amongst themselves, I moved to this other table with two Indians and a European. I forgot their names, but had fun there as well.
This was the first time in my life that I've entertained so much. I felt like puking at the end of everything. If I smell whiskey now I'm gonna puke in your face.
When I got back via company transport, I was so overcome by dizzyness I had to take a break at the 6th floor.
Sigh~
Cash is getting really inquisitive, and getting really sticky to me now. So sweet~
I apologize for the boring previous post. Well, me and my mother, we both have something in common. She says things in a fit of anger, and I write things in a fit of anger.
Hmz.. what should I blog about on this really boring and uneventful day?
Work started yesterday. My first day!
Everyone was so nice to me on my first day. I had at least a few tables asking for me. One of the customers even opened a bottle of vodka for me! WoOt!
Well, all I had to do was to keep topping up the customers' glasses and perhaps sit down and chat with them when I am free. These customers are so nice! This guy Suresh offered to buy me dinner, and Keith opened the bottle of vodka for me. The rest of the customers were all friendly too.
They kept on making me drink.
After awhile, I shifted to another table and got to know two more customers, Simon and Mark. Had a good chat with them over there, opened another bottle and switched to plain water for me.
I'd had far too much to drink last night.
After awhile, they started chatting amongst themselves, I moved to this other table with two Indians and a European. I forgot their names, but had fun there as well.
This was the first time in my life that I've entertained so much. I felt like puking at the end of everything. If I smell whiskey now I'm gonna puke in your face.
When I got back via company transport, I was so overcome by dizzyness I had to take a break at the 6th floor.
Sigh~
Cash is getting really inquisitive, and getting really sticky to me now. So sweet~
Monday, June 27, 2005
The world is still.. too still..
I know I am going to regret saying this sooner or later, but I wish I could just die now.
My mother hates me. She hates me to the core she'd wished that I'd just die. She said it herself, the sooner I die, the better it would be for her.
You know. I grew up with that phrase in my head.
From her words, it is deduced that she's dying for me to be a prostitute. She can't wait to sell me out of the house so that she doesn't have to look at my face anymore.
I know that she's sacrificed a lot for my during my childhood years. I also know that I haven't been intentionally hurting her ever since I came back from being a rebellious teenager. And because I am aware of all that she's done for me in the past, I try to give way everytime we argue (which was rarely). I try to stand in her shoes and think about points from her side. But does she even think for me anymore?
You know that I hate people who don't like or abuses animals. I'm starting to hate my own mother. Cash is just an innocent baby, and yet has had things thrown at it TWICE. The first time was Cash's first day home.
Imagine this. You're in a strange place with strange noises and strange people keep walking around you and you don't know anything at all. Suddenly a huge monster comes out of nowhere and starts hitting your cage. You can't escape, and suddenly the cage goes toppling down.
Wouldn't you be scared out of your wits? And to have that happen twice with the same monster, wouldn't you hate that monster?
All throughout my childhood to adolescence, she has always thought of ways to deprive me. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. I might as well be a prostitute and die. The sooner I die, the better.
I was playing basketball, a relatively cheap (read: free) sport that doesn't cost much (as opposed to my friends addicted to gaming), and all I ask of her is to leave me alone with my basketball. But no, she had A LOT of comments, and forbade me to go out to play often. One of the reasons being that basketball made me look fierce.
As any normal just-teenager would be, I was addicted to my phone. It had to be with me all the time. Why, what do you know, she smashed three of my phones and blamed everything on me.
I know that I am not easy to upkeep, but I have already tried to be the best daughter I know how. I really try hard, but nothing is good enough for her. She goes around complaining and telling others that she has a good-for-nothing worthless little whore in her house.
She complains that I spend too much money. Look at me! Look how "new" my clothes are! I get new clothes only every new year, is that too much for her? Look how "expensive" my cosmetics are! I get them free from my cousin. Look what expensive tastes I have! I have been skipping meals just not to take money from her.
The only thing I spend money the most on are my pets, and she complains about this as well. That is MY money, that which she has given me, and I choose where I want to spend it. If she doesn't like the way I spend it, well, I've always volunteered to work.
She doesn't want me to work.
Yet another thing. She complains that I laze around the house too much. And now that I've found work, she complains that it would take me away from my studies. What does she want me to do? Shall I jump out of the window in front of your very eyes, mam?
I know that my pay from creative is going to be measly compared to hers, but does she really have to scorn? I said that I wanted to bring her to Din Tai Fung restaurant, and she scorned at my pay being too little to bring her out. As with my sister.
She reasons away her everything, justifying everything that she'd done. Always excuses for everything. She believes that she's always right.
I go out frequently with a specific guy, she says that I'm dying to get fucked. I oversleep and missed school, she says that I'm dying to be a whore. Is there any connection?
After getting herself so worked up without my help (I just sat there silently while she berated me) today, she immediately called up everyone and complained about just what a whore I was being. She says that she doesn't complain much, but what is this? I have no one to go to except my blog. I can't relate my problems to anyone. Who's the one feeling more alone here?
Newest Update: In accordance to my mother dying to get me out of the house, she has now decided to send me over to live with my god-mother. Does she really hate me so much that she doesn't want to see my face?
My animals go with me.
Everything is my fault, everything is blamed on me. I use too much electricity, I magically make money disappear, even what that bastard Zeo had done is blamed on me.
He came last night demanding for his stuff. As if I wanted his stuff so much that I wanted to keep them for myself. I've had his stuff packed a long long time ago, it was just HIM who did not want his stuff back. Now he acts like I swallowed his stuff?
The money too. I've thrown the money at him already, I've asked Melvin to help me pass it to him, but he just doesn't want it. Now he blames me for him going broke?
Who's the one who brought Cash home without warning, therefore landing me in debt? So everything is my fault? He claims that I shouldn't dislike him disturbing and stalking me because I'm disturbing him 24/7.
In his mind.
As if that is my fault. He really IS sick. Now he acts like I owe him everything and still want him back.
*Pui!*
He claims that my heartlessness made him heartless too. I wished he'd become heartless a lot earlier, so that I didn't have to go through all that shit he gave me.
Life is just fulla shit.
I know I am going to regret saying this sooner or later, but I wish I could just die now.
My mother hates me. She hates me to the core she'd wished that I'd just die. She said it herself, the sooner I die, the better it would be for her.
You know. I grew up with that phrase in my head.
From her words, it is deduced that she's dying for me to be a prostitute. She can't wait to sell me out of the house so that she doesn't have to look at my face anymore.
I know that she's sacrificed a lot for my during my childhood years. I also know that I haven't been intentionally hurting her ever since I came back from being a rebellious teenager. And because I am aware of all that she's done for me in the past, I try to give way everytime we argue (which was rarely). I try to stand in her shoes and think about points from her side. But does she even think for me anymore?
You know that I hate people who don't like or abuses animals. I'm starting to hate my own mother. Cash is just an innocent baby, and yet has had things thrown at it TWICE. The first time was Cash's first day home.
Imagine this. You're in a strange place with strange noises and strange people keep walking around you and you don't know anything at all. Suddenly a huge monster comes out of nowhere and starts hitting your cage. You can't escape, and suddenly the cage goes toppling down.
Wouldn't you be scared out of your wits? And to have that happen twice with the same monster, wouldn't you hate that monster?
All throughout my childhood to adolescence, she has always thought of ways to deprive me. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. I might as well be a prostitute and die. The sooner I die, the better.
I was playing basketball, a relatively cheap (read: free) sport that doesn't cost much (as opposed to my friends addicted to gaming), and all I ask of her is to leave me alone with my basketball. But no, she had A LOT of comments, and forbade me to go out to play often. One of the reasons being that basketball made me look fierce.
As any normal just-teenager would be, I was addicted to my phone. It had to be with me all the time. Why, what do you know, she smashed three of my phones and blamed everything on me.
I know that I am not easy to upkeep, but I have already tried to be the best daughter I know how. I really try hard, but nothing is good enough for her. She goes around complaining and telling others that she has a good-for-nothing worthless little whore in her house.
She complains that I spend too much money. Look at me! Look how "new" my clothes are! I get new clothes only every new year, is that too much for her? Look how "expensive" my cosmetics are! I get them free from my cousin. Look what expensive tastes I have! I have been skipping meals just not to take money from her.
The only thing I spend money the most on are my pets, and she complains about this as well. That is MY money, that which she has given me, and I choose where I want to spend it. If she doesn't like the way I spend it, well, I've always volunteered to work.
She doesn't want me to work.
Yet another thing. She complains that I laze around the house too much. And now that I've found work, she complains that it would take me away from my studies. What does she want me to do? Shall I jump out of the window in front of your very eyes, mam?
I know that my pay from creative is going to be measly compared to hers, but does she really have to scorn? I said that I wanted to bring her to Din Tai Fung restaurant, and she scorned at my pay being too little to bring her out. As with my sister.
She reasons away her everything, justifying everything that she'd done. Always excuses for everything. She believes that she's always right.
I go out frequently with a specific guy, she says that I'm dying to get fucked. I oversleep and missed school, she says that I'm dying to be a whore. Is there any connection?
After getting herself so worked up without my help (I just sat there silently while she berated me) today, she immediately called up everyone and complained about just what a whore I was being. She says that she doesn't complain much, but what is this? I have no one to go to except my blog. I can't relate my problems to anyone. Who's the one feeling more alone here?
Newest Update: In accordance to my mother dying to get me out of the house, she has now decided to send me over to live with my god-mother. Does she really hate me so much that she doesn't want to see my face?
My animals go with me.
Everything is my fault, everything is blamed on me. I use too much electricity, I magically make money disappear, even what that bastard Zeo had done is blamed on me.
He came last night demanding for his stuff. As if I wanted his stuff so much that I wanted to keep them for myself. I've had his stuff packed a long long time ago, it was just HIM who did not want his stuff back. Now he acts like I swallowed his stuff?
The money too. I've thrown the money at him already, I've asked Melvin to help me pass it to him, but he just doesn't want it. Now he blames me for him going broke?
Who's the one who brought Cash home without warning, therefore landing me in debt? So everything is my fault? He claims that I shouldn't dislike him disturbing and stalking me because I'm disturbing him 24/7.
In his mind.
As if that is my fault. He really IS sick. Now he acts like I owe him everything and still want him back.
*Pui!*
He claims that my heartlessness made him heartless too. I wished he'd become heartless a lot earlier, so that I didn't have to go through all that shit he gave me.
Life is just fulla shit.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Urgh! Finally I get to sign in!
Trust me, I have been itching to blog for these few days.
I have so many things to say, but all of a sudden, as I sit in front of my computer, everything clammed up. Where am I going to start with so much happening around me?
And as most of you know, I have a horrible memory and my capacity of blurness unparalleled. It a miracal I can remember so much to say now.
Well, firstly, I remember.. Job Hunting! Yea! I called up these restaurants I found in the papers, and asked every single one for an interview. And because I had agreed to help Y look for a job too, so I asked him along for the interview later that night. I think it was.. on the 23rd.
We were supposed to meet at my floor, but when he came up, he found something unexpected (ok, I kinda expected it). He found Baby loitering around on my floor. Y didn't want to have a confrontation so he turned and went down the stairs.
Baby gave chase. He found him on the second floor and they had a talk. I don't know how things went between them, but at least they were both civil. After Baby left, Y came up to the 6th floor's elevator lobby to find me.
We went down together.
Baby suddenly popped out from the next block and begged to talk to me. Y stood between us because he was afraid that Baby would do something funny. He begged and begged and tried to talk to me, but I ignored him.
I have wasted too much of my breath on this kid. I am too tired to even defend myself anymore. Let him accuse what he wants to accuse.
It dragged on and on, to the extent of Baby kneeling down in front of Y and begging me to give him a chance. I called one of my mother's many god-sons and everything eneded when he came and escorted us to the bus stop. He's soooooo fierce!
Digression: It's not that I have no heart to ignore Baby kneeling down. It's just that it's been turned to stone by his many, many actions. I can't take it anymore. And, to be accused like that, before and after the relationship, is really not a nice feeling. Even if I did have something on with someone else now, it is no longer his problem.
Back to the topic. Where were we? Oh yes.
We went all the way to ********* and interviewed at one of the many pubs there. WE GOT THE JOB! WoohoO! Y's starting his waitering on July 1st, and I'm starting as a GRO (general relations officer) on Monday.
Name and location of pub undisclosed to prevent stalkers. Hit me a message if you want to know where it is.
The lady interviewing us, Ms Koh, was so pretty and nice! And she said I was pretty! *slobbery kisses all over her*
Okay I've gone mad, playing liquidgeneration.com games while writing this.
Need... inspiration!
After our successful interview, we walked all the way over to the esplanade to enjoy a (un)romantic chat. We horsed around until a police car passed by, by then which he was threatening to throw me into the water. He's really quite a nice guy except for his words sometimes. They hurt.
But, it WAS a magical night. It was a twinkling, sparkly night with fireworks exploding in my head. That feeling.. I've felt once before, and no more. It's gone.
Time to come clean! Yes, I molested him. His pockets I mean. He keeps our cigarettes in his pocket and tells me to beg whenever I want a stick. I am not one for begging, so it's time to use violence! I'm surprised I haven't torn a hole in his pocket yet.
We decided to leave around 11.30pm. Okay, HE decided that it was time for us to leave because we were missing the last train.
ARGH! My hand hurts. I tried to burn off a piece of loose plastic something on my dress today and that burning plastic fell on my hand.
Now that tiny patch of skin is COOKED. Yuck.
Back again to the topic..
We walked around some more, getting lost on our search for the mrt station. When we finally reached the end of city link, we were just in time to catch up with the last train. Thanks to me and my persistance! Haha!
Well. Went to IMM and Bugis with Y yesterday too. He left his friends in the lurch for me! Aaww~! They had already booked tickets for a midnight show at Bugis but there wasn't any for me because he asked me out at the last minute. So if there wasn't any for me.. I should've gone home then.
But he made a decision and soon after we were walking to PS for a show. Our show. Horror Train.
Well, I could tell you that it's not scary at all, except that once I curled up in shock. It was the shock factor, mainly, but there's... no wait. There is a part where I almost screamed. The part where the guy was photographing the empty carriage and suddenly this crazy upside down woman pops out.
After that, we walked all the way to somerset to take the NR1 back home. Imagine walking around all day in heels! Woah!
Well, there must be something wrong with me because I puke this morning. Something's wrong with my tummy, and I'm suspecting it to be stomach flu. What exactly is stomach flu anyway?
Well, as for today, we went to causeway point because I had to pick up a box of cigarettes a friend of mine brought in from M'sia. We walked around aimlessly and then headed off for Bishan.
I don't know why, but I can't shop with my guy friends. Unless there is a specific thing that I want to buy, or I won't feel like shopping. It feels funny to have someone squirming away beside you when you're picking out clothes or something.
Over at J8, I practically drooled for at least half an hour. Firstly, it was because of the Shihlin crispy chicken I bought. And secondly, there were HUNKS WALKING AROUND TOPLESS. On stage of course. They were having a something something face contest. The girls weren't that great, but the guys.. woah.
I'm not saying that every single one is cute, but most of them are at least cuter than most of the guys you see wandering around on the streets. There was this guy in green with an awfully cute smile, who later went on to emerge as the winner. Then there was this guy who didn't smile, and he looked incredibly like Donnie Yen!
Speaking of Donnie Yen, I went messing around online for his picture today. I found out that he just got married! Argh! And that's not the worst part. The worst thing is, he's got a daughter named Jasmine! Double argh!
Sigh. Why are all the great men married?
Okay, I know today's post is kinda boring and sounding like one of those bimbotic "today I went where-and-where and did so-and-so. end of story" type, but how could I elaborate more? I had to consolidate three days into one post because the blogger login wasn't working the previous two days. Darn.
And I'm playing games on liquidgeneration.com. Dumb, really. I should be playing stuff like photo hunt but I did that all through yesterday and the day before.
(Even) More pictures of Cash!
Camoufledged
Preening its left armpit
And the right
And now the.............
So paiseh!
Trust me, I have been itching to blog for these few days.
I have so many things to say, but all of a sudden, as I sit in front of my computer, everything clammed up. Where am I going to start with so much happening around me?
And as most of you know, I have a horrible memory and my capacity of blurness unparalleled. It a miracal I can remember so much to say now.
Well, firstly, I remember.. Job Hunting! Yea! I called up these restaurants I found in the papers, and asked every single one for an interview. And because I had agreed to help Y look for a job too, so I asked him along for the interview later that night. I think it was.. on the 23rd.
We were supposed to meet at my floor, but when he came up, he found something unexpected (ok, I kinda expected it). He found Baby loitering around on my floor. Y didn't want to have a confrontation so he turned and went down the stairs.
Baby gave chase. He found him on the second floor and they had a talk. I don't know how things went between them, but at least they were both civil. After Baby left, Y came up to the 6th floor's elevator lobby to find me.
We went down together.
Baby suddenly popped out from the next block and begged to talk to me. Y stood between us because he was afraid that Baby would do something funny. He begged and begged and tried to talk to me, but I ignored him.
I have wasted too much of my breath on this kid. I am too tired to even defend myself anymore. Let him accuse what he wants to accuse.
It dragged on and on, to the extent of Baby kneeling down in front of Y and begging me to give him a chance. I called one of my mother's many god-sons and everything eneded when he came and escorted us to the bus stop. He's soooooo fierce!
Digression: It's not that I have no heart to ignore Baby kneeling down. It's just that it's been turned to stone by his many, many actions. I can't take it anymore. And, to be accused like that, before and after the relationship, is really not a nice feeling. Even if I did have something on with someone else now, it is no longer his problem.
Back to the topic. Where were we? Oh yes.
We went all the way to ********* and interviewed at one of the many pubs there. WE GOT THE JOB! WoohoO! Y's starting his waitering on July 1st, and I'm starting as a GRO (general relations officer) on Monday.
Name and location of pub undisclosed to prevent stalkers. Hit me a message if you want to know where it is.
The lady interviewing us, Ms Koh, was so pretty and nice! And she said I was pretty! *slobbery kisses all over her*
Okay I've gone mad, playing liquidgeneration.com games while writing this.
Need... inspiration!
After our successful interview, we walked all the way over to the esplanade to enjoy a (un)romantic chat. We horsed around until a police car passed by, by then which he was threatening to throw me into the water. He's really quite a nice guy except for his words sometimes. They hurt.
But, it WAS a magical night. It was a twinkling, sparkly night with fireworks exploding in my head. That feeling.. I've felt once before, and no more. It's gone.
Time to come clean! Yes, I molested him. His pockets I mean. He keeps our cigarettes in his pocket and tells me to beg whenever I want a stick. I am not one for begging, so it's time to use violence! I'm surprised I haven't torn a hole in his pocket yet.
We decided to leave around 11.30pm. Okay, HE decided that it was time for us to leave because we were missing the last train.
ARGH! My hand hurts. I tried to burn off a piece of loose plastic something on my dress today and that burning plastic fell on my hand.
Now that tiny patch of skin is COOKED. Yuck.
Back again to the topic..
We walked around some more, getting lost on our search for the mrt station. When we finally reached the end of city link, we were just in time to catch up with the last train. Thanks to me and my persistance! Haha!
Well. Went to IMM and Bugis with Y yesterday too. He left his friends in the lurch for me! Aaww~! They had already booked tickets for a midnight show at Bugis but there wasn't any for me because he asked me out at the last minute. So if there wasn't any for me.. I should've gone home then.
But he made a decision and soon after we were walking to PS for a show. Our show. Horror Train.
Well, I could tell you that it's not scary at all, except that once I curled up in shock. It was the shock factor, mainly, but there's... no wait. There is a part where I almost screamed. The part where the guy was photographing the empty carriage and suddenly this crazy upside down woman pops out.
After that, we walked all the way to somerset to take the NR1 back home. Imagine walking around all day in heels! Woah!
Well, there must be something wrong with me because I puke this morning. Something's wrong with my tummy, and I'm suspecting it to be stomach flu. What exactly is stomach flu anyway?
Well, as for today, we went to causeway point because I had to pick up a box of cigarettes a friend of mine brought in from M'sia. We walked around aimlessly and then headed off for Bishan.
I don't know why, but I can't shop with my guy friends. Unless there is a specific thing that I want to buy, or I won't feel like shopping. It feels funny to have someone squirming away beside you when you're picking out clothes or something.
Over at J8, I practically drooled for at least half an hour. Firstly, it was because of the Shihlin crispy chicken I bought. And secondly, there were HUNKS WALKING AROUND TOPLESS. On stage of course. They were having a something something face contest. The girls weren't that great, but the guys.. woah.
I'm not saying that every single one is cute, but most of them are at least cuter than most of the guys you see wandering around on the streets. There was this guy in green with an awfully cute smile, who later went on to emerge as the winner. Then there was this guy who didn't smile, and he looked incredibly like Donnie Yen!
Speaking of Donnie Yen, I went messing around online for his picture today. I found out that he just got married! Argh! And that's not the worst part. The worst thing is, he's got a daughter named Jasmine! Double argh!
Sigh. Why are all the great men married?
Okay, I know today's post is kinda boring and sounding like one of those bimbotic "today I went where-and-where and did so-and-so. end of story" type, but how could I elaborate more? I had to consolidate three days into one post because the blogger login wasn't working the previous two days. Darn.
And I'm playing games on liquidgeneration.com. Dumb, really. I should be playing stuff like photo hunt but I did that all through yesterday and the day before.
(Even) More pictures of Cash!
Camoufledged
Preening its left armpit
And the right
And now the.............
So paiseh!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I'm sinking...
I'm sinking into the deepest, darkest abyss where I can find no sunlight. Where the days are a sullen gray and the nights are dull black. Where, no matter where I turn, I can find no exit.
Why is this happening to me?
I shouldn't let all these affect me so much. I know I shouldn't. But what control do I have over my heart? What control do I have over how I feel? How do I make all these go away?
Wenyi advised me not to let this affect me at all, because I have all the advantages of being a girl. But everytime I get his message, everytime I see him stalking and loitering around downstairs, everytime I get stupid gifts from him, I feel the hate increasing. And as long as that hate increases, that bad feeling comes again.
I wish I knew where all these sorrow come from. I wish I could drown them in something, anything. I wish the world would stop spinning and time would just stand still as I hollar silent tears until my throat rips and my heart breaks.
I try to put on an attitude that shows that I don't care to the world, but deep inside, I do. I try to smile and laugh and joke as normal, but deep inside I'm cracking, jagged edges and lines running amok.
I can't control my emotions. I'm only human.
I can't hollar.
I can't pound on the wall.
I can't scream and shout.
I can't cry anymore.
It doesn't matter. Nothing ever matters anymore.
So much for letting off some steam. Time to put on my mask and face the world again.
I'm sinking into the deepest, darkest abyss where I can find no sunlight. Where the days are a sullen gray and the nights are dull black. Where, no matter where I turn, I can find no exit.
Why is this happening to me?
I shouldn't let all these affect me so much. I know I shouldn't. But what control do I have over my heart? What control do I have over how I feel? How do I make all these go away?
Wenyi advised me not to let this affect me at all, because I have all the advantages of being a girl. But everytime I get his message, everytime I see him stalking and loitering around downstairs, everytime I get stupid gifts from him, I feel the hate increasing. And as long as that hate increases, that bad feeling comes again.
I wish I knew where all these sorrow come from. I wish I could drown them in something, anything. I wish the world would stop spinning and time would just stand still as I hollar silent tears until my throat rips and my heart breaks.
I try to put on an attitude that shows that I don't care to the world, but deep inside, I do. I try to smile and laugh and joke as normal, but deep inside I'm cracking, jagged edges and lines running amok.
I can't control my emotions. I'm only human.
I can't hollar.
I can't pound on the wall.
I can't scream and shout.
I can't cry anymore.
It doesn't matter. Nothing ever matters anymore.
So much for letting off some steam. Time to put on my mask and face the world again.
Monday, June 20, 2005
What a contradicting world.
After his attitude towards me last night ("bitch! u unfaithful bitch!"), he kept messaging me throughout.
He called me this afternoon telling me how bad he felt and how in pain he was. He tried to explain about why he said what he said last night.
He said that it was to salvage his pride and make him feel better. At the same time, he still loves me and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.
Well, if he really loved me, he'd want for me to be happy, right? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have made me so miserable for so long. He wouldn't have yelled at me and said those hurting words last night. He wouldn't have did all those things thinking that he'd get me back.
He wouldn't have gone to the extent of making me hate him.
There can never be a chance between me and him.
Cash is coming home tomorrow night with my family's acceptance.
After his attitude towards me last night ("bitch! u unfaithful bitch!"), he kept messaging me throughout.
He called me this afternoon telling me how bad he felt and how in pain he was. He tried to explain about why he said what he said last night.
He said that it was to salvage his pride and make him feel better. At the same time, he still loves me and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.
Well, if he really loved me, he'd want for me to be happy, right? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have made me so miserable for so long. He wouldn't have yelled at me and said those hurting words last night. He wouldn't have did all those things thinking that he'd get me back.
He wouldn't have gone to the extent of making me hate him.
There can never be a chance between me and him.
Cash is coming home tomorrow night with my family's acceptance.
Woot~
Haven't felt so relaxed in the longest time.
Good news for those who worry about me! We've truly broken up. He's accepted the breakup on the base that I am unfaithful and a bitch and so its not worth being with me.
Whatever. My conscious is clear.
Went to cheeky's last night. Darn, that place is really dark. There were even a few indian songs in between! The night was ruined by Baby, as usual, who was not happy that I kept messaging people. I regret bringing him to spoil my night out.
He got Cash for me today. He put a down payment of $400 for it. It ended up being trashed by my mother, who in turn trashed me when I tried to stop her.
I'm ok.
After having this really long talk with her, we each returned to our rooms. And I got called out by Melvin on behalf of Baby to discuss what should be done with Cash.
The talk was supposed to be purely based on the well-being of Cash, but somehow it evolved into a dissection of our relationship and Melvin too got tired of repeating the same thing to him, again and again without him understanding anything.
Was running late for a few drinks with Y at the Yishun dam. We had drinks, chatted again about everything and nothing at all. It's just nice to have someone on the same wavelength whom you could talk to about everything, and be actually interested in what I had to say.
After getting high and tipsy(he wasn't walking straight), we decided to walk our way back. At the T-junction, Y said that he wanted to walk straight through the other way, and so we did. Like I said, he wasn't walking straight, and so he was holding on to me for balance (or something) and that's when the problems started.
Unknowingly, Baby was stalking us ever since we were at the dam. He saw us drinking and all that. He was behind us all the way when we were walking back. When he saw Y's arm around me he couldn't take it. If I hadn't stood blocking his way and pushing him back he would've hit Y.
I know that Y can take it but what I was afraid of was that Y would hit back. He called the police when he saw Baby coming. If he hit back, he'd be in the wrong too, right?
Plus, I don't want to see guys fighting over me. I am not worth it.
The police came and took down statements and stuff. Melvin came soon afterwards in his HUGE, OBIANG van (I couldn't resist it) and we left the two policemen with Baby. He drove us all the way back to our block and we sat there chatting until Baby came.
Not long after he sat down, Wenyi came. Some sort of stone dropped form my heart when I saw him, because I know that everything's gonna be alright with him here.
Anyway, Baby started hurling accusations against me and everything. I tried to clarify with him but he just wouldn't listen. He ended up blaming me for jeapordizing the relationship and calling me an unfaithful bitch. Whatever.
My conscious is clear. I didn't do anything unfaithful to him.
He even went so far as to threaten me. "don't ever let me see you at 346 again. i won't treat you as a girl anymore." Meaning: he's gonna get back at me in anyway he can, even to the extent of hurting me during basketball.
He demanded that I take Cash back home and that I pay him the $400 he put down for Cash within two weeks. Okay, I understand that. He subsequently bombarded my phone with "bitch! u unfaithful bitch! fucker!"
Then, after we got Cash to Melvin's and I got home after a little chat with Y outside at the stairwell, he sent me yet another message stating that he changed his mind. He's demanding that I return him the money in one week's time, along with the $100 he gave me for shopping.
It was on purpose. He knew that I only get my paycheck in July, and that I couldn't possibly get any money till then.
What a wimp (again).
And to think that I wanted to remain as friends with him. What could one do when love turns to hate? When one is pushed against the wall and has no other way out (of this relationship)?
And if you're one of the unbelievers, I can only tell you. My conscious is clear.
Haven't felt so relaxed in the longest time.
Good news for those who worry about me! We've truly broken up. He's accepted the breakup on the base that I am unfaithful and a bitch and so its not worth being with me.
Whatever. My conscious is clear.
Went to cheeky's last night. Darn, that place is really dark. There were even a few indian songs in between! The night was ruined by Baby, as usual, who was not happy that I kept messaging people. I regret bringing him to spoil my night out.
He got Cash for me today. He put a down payment of $400 for it. It ended up being trashed by my mother, who in turn trashed me when I tried to stop her.
I'm ok.
After having this really long talk with her, we each returned to our rooms. And I got called out by Melvin on behalf of Baby to discuss what should be done with Cash.
The talk was supposed to be purely based on the well-being of Cash, but somehow it evolved into a dissection of our relationship and Melvin too got tired of repeating the same thing to him, again and again without him understanding anything.
Was running late for a few drinks with Y at the Yishun dam. We had drinks, chatted again about everything and nothing at all. It's just nice to have someone on the same wavelength whom you could talk to about everything, and be actually interested in what I had to say.
After getting high and tipsy(he wasn't walking straight), we decided to walk our way back. At the T-junction, Y said that he wanted to walk straight through the other way, and so we did. Like I said, he wasn't walking straight, and so he was holding on to me for balance (or something) and that's when the problems started.
Unknowingly, Baby was stalking us ever since we were at the dam. He saw us drinking and all that. He was behind us all the way when we were walking back. When he saw Y's arm around me he couldn't take it. If I hadn't stood blocking his way and pushing him back he would've hit Y.
I know that Y can take it but what I was afraid of was that Y would hit back. He called the police when he saw Baby coming. If he hit back, he'd be in the wrong too, right?
Plus, I don't want to see guys fighting over me. I am not worth it.
The police came and took down statements and stuff. Melvin came soon afterwards in his HUGE, OBIANG van (I couldn't resist it) and we left the two policemen with Baby. He drove us all the way back to our block and we sat there chatting until Baby came.
Not long after he sat down, Wenyi came. Some sort of stone dropped form my heart when I saw him, because I know that everything's gonna be alright with him here.
Anyway, Baby started hurling accusations against me and everything. I tried to clarify with him but he just wouldn't listen. He ended up blaming me for jeapordizing the relationship and calling me an unfaithful bitch. Whatever.
My conscious is clear. I didn't do anything unfaithful to him.
He even went so far as to threaten me. "don't ever let me see you at 346 again. i won't treat you as a girl anymore." Meaning: he's gonna get back at me in anyway he can, even to the extent of hurting me during basketball.
He demanded that I take Cash back home and that I pay him the $400 he put down for Cash within two weeks. Okay, I understand that. He subsequently bombarded my phone with "bitch! u unfaithful bitch! fucker!"
Then, after we got Cash to Melvin's and I got home after a little chat with Y outside at the stairwell, he sent me yet another message stating that he changed his mind. He's demanding that I return him the money in one week's time, along with the $100 he gave me for shopping.
It was on purpose. He knew that I only get my paycheck in July, and that I couldn't possibly get any money till then.
What a wimp (again).
And to think that I wanted to remain as friends with him. What could one do when love turns to hate? When one is pushed against the wall and has no other way out (of this relationship)?
And if you're one of the unbelievers, I can only tell you. My conscious is clear.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
I had a talk with Baby last night. I didn't want to, but because I was at 346 and everybody knew what happened, Huiyi advised me to have a face to face talk with him.
I was like, ok, but I wanted to have Danny with me. Danny is someone with whom I feel really comfortable with, like a brother or something, and if he were there I'd feel more comfortable speaking up for myself.
After lights out we sat at the void deck to have our "little" talk. Baby across the table, Wenyi and Huiyi on either side (Danny had something on). Wenyi flipped a coin and Baby was the first to talk.
I knew that this wouldn't result in anything but Huiyi said that it was to give Baby a chance to let off steam. I guess it didn't work well, because when it was open argument we bickered about the smallest most unimportant things. The argument was controlled later by Wenyi when he felt that we were repeatedly going around in circles.
Well. I couldn't remember much of it but that I have the right to reject whatever they give me. I have the right to reject going out with Baby, to reject even being with him.
John came later on when Huiyi left, and accidently gave the suggestion of a one week grace period. I don't know what the point is, but somehow they said it would help let his heart die.
Anyway.
Pictures! Firstly, a really wet bird after his bath!
A really weird coloured moth(I had to climb up high to take this picture).
Sweet little Cash! Finally
Hurhurhur~! Hold on though. Might be reconsidering getting Cash. Will be updating why later.
And *drumroll* what I got today!
An apology present.
I was like, ok, but I wanted to have Danny with me. Danny is someone with whom I feel really comfortable with, like a brother or something, and if he were there I'd feel more comfortable speaking up for myself.
After lights out we sat at the void deck to have our "little" talk. Baby across the table, Wenyi and Huiyi on either side (Danny had something on). Wenyi flipped a coin and Baby was the first to talk.
I knew that this wouldn't result in anything but Huiyi said that it was to give Baby a chance to let off steam. I guess it didn't work well, because when it was open argument we bickered about the smallest most unimportant things. The argument was controlled later by Wenyi when he felt that we were repeatedly going around in circles.
Well. I couldn't remember much of it but that I have the right to reject whatever they give me. I have the right to reject going out with Baby, to reject even being with him.
John came later on when Huiyi left, and accidently gave the suggestion of a one week grace period. I don't know what the point is, but somehow they said it would help let his heart die.
Anyway.
Pictures! Firstly, a really wet bird after his bath!
A really weird coloured moth(I had to climb up high to take this picture).
Sweet little Cash! Finally
Hurhurhur~! Hold on though. Might be reconsidering getting Cash. Will be updating why later.
And *drumroll* what I got today!
An apology present.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Now, how do you transfer picture from your un-userfriendly T630 to your computer? I don't have the ericsson cable.
Anyone willing to lend?
No?
Well then, no pictures of Cash for you!
Baby's been bombarding me with smses, begging and begging, repeating and rephrasing the same thing, wanting me to go back to him and promising to change, promising this and that. But you know what? I'm not gonna.
I'm not gonna trust him anymore. After what he said to me?
Examples of what he said when he lost control (and that was very often):
"wad are you trying to do? dont ever let me see him again.. he wont escape so easily next time"
"dont ever let me see him again.. i will make sure dat his mum oso dont recognize him"
"i'm not going to drop the matter if you still calling for a break up! i bloody hate this guy now. until u drop the subject i'm not going to let him go"
"i'm not going to break up with you no matter how much it cost"
"if u wan to break up with me i deem is because of this guy! he caused it! so i wont! and no matter wad he will have to pay if i sees him again"
"do u know that your bf is waiting for you when u r with this guy? dinner? wad u trying to do! telling u i'm i damn bloody hate this guy! he better stay away from u!"
"let me tell u.. we are still together i dont care"
"and i see this guy once i beat him once"
"de more u ignore me de more i will pester u!"
"yr fren? fuck you! u caused all this thing! unfaithful. i'm not going to give a fuck!"
"i telling u if u dare to mention abt this guy again.. u better be careful oso.. i will sure beat him up if the matter dont rest"
"ya trying to protect him now!? who is he to u fucker!! tell u i will make things even worse if u dont let de matter rest"
Well. After these sweet messages, he'd always go "I really love you. pls give me a chance to really treasure and protect this relationship one last time" blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, haven't we heard this about a few thousand times already?
He's psychotic. And it isn't only me who is using that word on him.
A lot of my friends couldn't believe it because he looked so normal and nice on the outside. But as I said, a guy's character and attitude in a relationship will ultimately differ from when he is with friends. I can see why Joanna rejected him. Lucky her.
Pulling the focus back to me..
Had a late night meetup with Y again last night under our block. He's cute, but sometimes his words are a tad hurtful. Our chat ended when my mother came back and dragged me home.
Melvin wants a lovebird just like Mika! I tried calling Song bird shop in Bedok where I got my Mika but they're not picking up. I don't really feel like going unless I know for sure if they have just weaned lovies in stock. Oh sure, he could drive me in his HUGE, OBIANG van but I don't want to give him the disappointment of driving all the way there in anticipation and then finding nothing.
Yurgh~! *yodels*
You know, I could've joined the superstar show on channel 8. But nah~! I'll probably be too shy to sing. I'm too shy even to sing at ktvs! Cher, my ex manager, brought me to ktvs a few times. Guess who's the one sitting in a corner without singing and drinking all throughout?
Well, not wanting to make this post too long or sound too boring, I'll stop here. Be back again with something else to bore your pants off.
Anyone willing to lend?
No?
Well then, no pictures of Cash for you!
Baby's been bombarding me with smses, begging and begging, repeating and rephrasing the same thing, wanting me to go back to him and promising to change, promising this and that. But you know what? I'm not gonna.
I'm not gonna trust him anymore. After what he said to me?
Examples of what he said when he lost control (and that was very often):
"wad are you trying to do? dont ever let me see him again.. he wont escape so easily next time"
"dont ever let me see him again.. i will make sure dat his mum oso dont recognize him"
"i'm not going to drop the matter if you still calling for a break up! i bloody hate this guy now. until u drop the subject i'm not going to let him go"
"i'm not going to break up with you no matter how much it cost"
"if u wan to break up with me i deem is because of this guy! he caused it! so i wont! and no matter wad he will have to pay if i sees him again"
"do u know that your bf is waiting for you when u r with this guy? dinner? wad u trying to do! telling u i'm i damn bloody hate this guy! he better stay away from u!"
"let me tell u.. we are still together i dont care"
"and i see this guy once i beat him once"
"de more u ignore me de more i will pester u!"
"yr fren? fuck you! u caused all this thing! unfaithful. i'm not going to give a fuck!"
"i telling u if u dare to mention abt this guy again.. u better be careful oso.. i will sure beat him up if the matter dont rest"
"ya trying to protect him now!? who is he to u fucker!! tell u i will make things even worse if u dont let de matter rest"
Well. After these sweet messages, he'd always go "I really love you. pls give me a chance to really treasure and protect this relationship one last time" blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, haven't we heard this about a few thousand times already?
He's psychotic. And it isn't only me who is using that word on him.
A lot of my friends couldn't believe it because he looked so normal and nice on the outside. But as I said, a guy's character and attitude in a relationship will ultimately differ from when he is with friends. I can see why Joanna rejected him. Lucky her.
Pulling the focus back to me..
Had a late night meetup with Y again last night under our block. He's cute, but sometimes his words are a tad hurtful. Our chat ended when my mother came back and dragged me home.
Melvin wants a lovebird just like Mika! I tried calling Song bird shop in Bedok where I got my Mika but they're not picking up. I don't really feel like going unless I know for sure if they have just weaned lovies in stock. Oh sure, he could drive me in his HUGE, OBIANG van but I don't want to give him the disappointment of driving all the way there in anticipation and then finding nothing.
Yurgh~! *yodels*
You know, I could've joined the superstar show on channel 8. But nah~! I'll probably be too shy to sing. I'm too shy even to sing at ktvs! Cher, my ex manager, brought me to ktvs a few times. Guess who's the one sitting in a corner without singing and drinking all throughout?
Well, not wanting to make this post too long or sound too boring, I'll stop here. Be back again with something else to bore your pants off.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Hur, hur, hur~ I got the AG!
No, actually I haven't got it (yet). I just put down a deposit for it. Now it's MINE! Muahahaha~!~! It's still at the bird shop, but it's MINE!
It isn't that whiter AG I blogged about, but a darker one which is just as sweet! I named it Cash (don't ask why, it just came for no reason) and have been repeating the word hello to it for some time.
It's just too sweet for words! Wonder if it's a male or a female.
Went out with Y for dinner, coffee and a chat two nights ago. I had such a wonderful time with him. It reminds me of the times I would go out with Amos to the coffeeshop and chat for hours on end, us really good friends. It ended when Amos fell in love with me.
I like the feeling of being treated as a friend and not just a girl. To tell you the truth, the grass by the Yishun pond was one of my favorite spots a few years ago. I've haven't been there in years. I usually just go to the Yishun dam alone when I'm having problems.
Here's where the sweetness ends.
Baby made a great big fuss about it because I had told him initially that I was going for dinner with Y. He took it as really 'just' dinner and bombarded me with messages throughout. Then he came searching for me at Northpoint and I told him that I was going to have coffee with Y. He stormed off in a huff.
After coffee, we went walking around the quiet stretches of closed shops and chatted. Okay, we smoked too.
Digression: My new smoking khaki~! Haven't had a smoking khaki since Amos quit smoking. Jack's busy with NS, and Yongkang's moved too far. Y's a social smoker too.
Back to the topic now. After walking around aimlessly we decided to go sit down by the pond and have a chat there. The waters were still, and the night was quiet, only punctuated by the sound of engines from the road opposite. We talked about everything and nothing at all. The time went by unnoticed.
I got a few calls during our time at the pond, and as most of my friends know about my strict regulations with my phone, particularly the one where I hate picking up the phone when I'm out with someone else, I turned it off.
When we finally got up and started making our way home, I turn my phone on again. Lots of messages, from Baby getting angry and threatening to beat Y up, to mummy telling me that Baby's called her AND my godmother looking for me.
First of all, I was angered because as I have told him countless of times, I have my own life too. I have my own friends, and I want to go out with them as regularly as I want to. But because of him, I have not gone out with other friends for half a year.
Secondly, most of my friends are guys. The only female friends I have are either from forums or are my relatives. And I do not relate well to females. Baby knows this even before we got together. Knowing this, he should have accepted me as I am and not try to take my friends away from me.
Thirdly, I feel that I have had completely NO personal space and privacy because he expects me to report every single little thing I did and starts fuming if I did not. The only time I get my space if when I start fuming and threaten to break up with him.
Now I have truly decided. I want a break up with him.
In previous times I would relent for the sake of peace, to stop him stalking me and my friends. This time, I've learnt. I've made a police report about him stalking me and threatening my friends. I've gotten the help of W, both Baby's and my friend, and it is W who will be driving me to submit the report to court should Baby continue to stalk me.
Baby's begging and crying, saying that he know that he's too emotional and too possessive, but that he's not a psycho. Yea, tell me that he's not psycho.
Never will I go back to him again.
No, actually I haven't got it (yet). I just put down a deposit for it. Now it's MINE! Muahahaha~!~! It's still at the bird shop, but it's MINE!
It isn't that whiter AG I blogged about, but a darker one which is just as sweet! I named it Cash (don't ask why, it just came for no reason) and have been repeating the word hello to it for some time.
It's just too sweet for words! Wonder if it's a male or a female.
Went out with Y for dinner, coffee and a chat two nights ago. I had such a wonderful time with him. It reminds me of the times I would go out with Amos to the coffeeshop and chat for hours on end, us really good friends. It ended when Amos fell in love with me.
I like the feeling of being treated as a friend and not just a girl. To tell you the truth, the grass by the Yishun pond was one of my favorite spots a few years ago. I've haven't been there in years. I usually just go to the Yishun dam alone when I'm having problems.
Here's where the sweetness ends.
Baby made a great big fuss about it because I had told him initially that I was going for dinner with Y. He took it as really 'just' dinner and bombarded me with messages throughout. Then he came searching for me at Northpoint and I told him that I was going to have coffee with Y. He stormed off in a huff.
After coffee, we went walking around the quiet stretches of closed shops and chatted. Okay, we smoked too.
Digression: My new smoking khaki~! Haven't had a smoking khaki since Amos quit smoking. Jack's busy with NS, and Yongkang's moved too far. Y's a social smoker too.
Back to the topic now. After walking around aimlessly we decided to go sit down by the pond and have a chat there. The waters were still, and the night was quiet, only punctuated by the sound of engines from the road opposite. We talked about everything and nothing at all. The time went by unnoticed.
I got a few calls during our time at the pond, and as most of my friends know about my strict regulations with my phone, particularly the one where I hate picking up the phone when I'm out with someone else, I turned it off.
When we finally got up and started making our way home, I turn my phone on again. Lots of messages, from Baby getting angry and threatening to beat Y up, to mummy telling me that Baby's called her AND my godmother looking for me.
First of all, I was angered because as I have told him countless of times, I have my own life too. I have my own friends, and I want to go out with them as regularly as I want to. But because of him, I have not gone out with other friends for half a year.
Secondly, most of my friends are guys. The only female friends I have are either from forums or are my relatives. And I do not relate well to females. Baby knows this even before we got together. Knowing this, he should have accepted me as I am and not try to take my friends away from me.
Thirdly, I feel that I have had completely NO personal space and privacy because he expects me to report every single little thing I did and starts fuming if I did not. The only time I get my space if when I start fuming and threaten to break up with him.
Now I have truly decided. I want a break up with him.
In previous times I would relent for the sake of peace, to stop him stalking me and my friends. This time, I've learnt. I've made a police report about him stalking me and threatening my friends. I've gotten the help of W, both Baby's and my friend, and it is W who will be driving me to submit the report to court should Baby continue to stalk me.
Baby's begging and crying, saying that he know that he's too emotional and too possessive, but that he's not a psycho. Yea, tell me that he's not psycho.
Never will I go back to him again.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
GAH! I forgot all that I wanted to post yesterday. So remember, boys and girls, DON'T procrastinate.
The bird shop was closed early yesterday, so we didn't get to see that sweet AG we found yesterday.
About the AG. It's still learning how to balance. It can walk around on its perch ok, but when I try to walk around with it on my arm, it fell and (surprisingly) cried. Aawww~~~
Oh yea, ahem. Unable to post pictures of Leeling jiejie trying on her wedding gown because the file format disallows me to edit/post it.
My little map turtle is dead. My big red-eared slider munched and mutilated it. Darn.
Baby promises to get me a mini maltese in three month's time. Which in the meantime means, we can't get that AG yet. Because AGs can only adapt to new owners and new pets within the first few months of its life. After that, it will turn aggressive toward other new pets.
My mind knows the logic of this, and the responsibility. But my heart is still with that sweet AG now. What's funnier is that I've volunteered myself to foster some mongrels that Guiness (from MOP) found. Actually I've only just pm-ed him.
Whatever comes, comes.
Sudden urge to smoke again. Must... fight... this.. urge!
The bird shop was closed early yesterday, so we didn't get to see that sweet AG we found yesterday.
About the AG. It's still learning how to balance. It can walk around on its perch ok, but when I try to walk around with it on my arm, it fell and (surprisingly) cried. Aawww~~~
Oh yea, ahem. Unable to post pictures of Leeling jiejie trying on her wedding gown because the file format disallows me to edit/post it.
My little map turtle is dead. My big red-eared slider munched and mutilated it. Darn.
Baby promises to get me a mini maltese in three month's time. Which in the meantime means, we can't get that AG yet. Because AGs can only adapt to new owners and new pets within the first few months of its life. After that, it will turn aggressive toward other new pets.
My mind knows the logic of this, and the responsibility. But my heart is still with that sweet AG now. What's funnier is that I've volunteered myself to foster some mongrels that Guiness (from MOP) found. Actually I've only just pm-ed him.
Whatever comes, comes.
Sudden urge to smoke again. Must... fight... this.. urge!
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