Actually, I'm Numb.


As with the numbness from pain and sadness, I feel numb in place of happiness. So I can't actually tell if I'm happy or sad anymore.

On Saturday, which was the eve before reunion dinner, I was reprimanded fiercely by him when he confronted me about inviting people to my place to gamble after reunion dinner. It'd be my birthday after midnight, and I really wanted to spend it with somebody. He had told me prior to that day that he would be spending the night at his house, and the message was reinforced when his relatives told him to stay and he nodded.

So ultimately, the message sent across was that despite knowing that he won't be with me for my birthday, I cannot call anyone else, in case he later "peng weh" and said that he only said maybe to staying at home. So for his maybe, I should stay at home alone on my birthday and not have any activities on my own.

Not as if he'd plan anything for me. Pfft.

I had thought that since we'd both be so busy for the CNY (if you haven't noticed, my birthday this year falls on the same day as the first day of CNY), he'd plan somehting for me the Saturday before (which was the day his family, for some reason, held a pre-reunion dinner consisting of more people that the reunion dinner itself, also the day I was reprimanded fiercely by him).

Apparently I was asking for the sky. Because he slept til 5pm, blamed me for not waking him earlier so he can go and buy socks, and we went straight to his house where I played the part of a vase for a few hours while he played mahjong.

While we were arguing, I pointed out the fact that since he was so angry at me for meeting other people during my birthday, he should've planned something for Saturday instead. He gave a ton of excuses why it wasn't done on Saturday, and then very angrily said that he planned for Sunday night, AFTER the reunion dinner.

So, ok. I cancelled plans with my friends that night. He came, and you know what his plans were?

Watch TV.

He called my friends at the last minute (the ones I cancelled with for him) to come, and bought a Swensen's ice cream cake for me. Pardon me for not being estatic for the first Swensen's ice cream cake someone ever bought for me, but I'd begged for that cake for 2 years before it happened. So I was kind of expecting it already.

And they spent the night gambling while I watched TV.

So today, he said he might be coming over after visiting relatives, to spend my birthday with me. When I asked him why, he simply said "Because you want, mah. "

So literally it means that he actually didn't want to spend my birthday with me, but that he would come because I'd want him to.

Fine. Don't bother yourself with trivial matters such as my birthday. I don't want you to do anything anymore.

And just in case he gave me trouble for finding entertainment and activities for myself again, I didn't plan anything today for after visiting my grandma's. And what do I get?

5 hours, alone in my room, doing nothing, don't dare to wash off makeup in case he wants to meet, absolutely no news from him at all.

Happy Birthday... to me.