One Week


My parents just came back from a trip to Taiwan. They were gone for a week, and so was he. During this week I had the ultimate freedom and I spent it.. well, most of it.. staying at home and wasting it away.

Out of an unreciprocated respect. I even took the initiave to inform him that I was going for Lawrence's birthday gathering.

*Still quite bitter about it being unreciprocated*

Anyways, to document what I did with my freedom during the week, Here are some pictures.

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Day 0

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Mom and Dad left for Taiwan. Me and HIM started our argument too.

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Day 1

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Went grocery shopping with Cudas. Decided that we weren't able to live on McDee's delivery all week, so we bought stuff like instant noodles,



Bread and butter, eggs, the likes. Just enough to tide us over.

I took this while walking with my phone camera. Didn't expect such a nice effect.



That was pretty much all I did. I have no life.

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Day 2

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Decided to get creative with the toaster.

Just a normal ham and cheese sandwich, except toasted.



The only meal of the day.

Trust me, these are good. Just not too often, because you can easily get sick of the flavor.

I realized that chao-tar (burnt) cheese tastes AWESOME.


Scraped from the toaster.

After this somewhat scrumptious meal, I needed some fresh air and company, so invited FedEx to get some wind in our hair at Fresh Air Cove.


While waiting for the man who claims to be always punctual.

We had a three-hour long conversation, after which I was completely shacked out from doing all that thinking.

Thus ends the second day.

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Day 3

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I went slightly crazy and decided that something needed to be changed. So I went to dye my hair with all the remaining moolah I had.

When it was still black,



And brown without the highlights.



In total I spend 4 hours at the salon. But that 4 hours, although my shoulders were killing me, were the most peaceful I had. Not peaceful as in quiet and no one around, on the contrary, the place was bustling with life. Hip music was playing from the radio, the hairstylists were chatting nonchalently with each other, customers walking in and out. No, it was peaceful because for the 4 hours, I was too distracted by the livliness there that I completely forgot about my own problems.

Best 4 hours of the week. And $120 well spent, considering that I regretted the highlight almost instantly.



I went straight to Fresh Air Cove after the salon, and Bro Vik called me up for prata. I suggested Sin Ming. That was technically my first and only meal of the day, if you don't count the puking my guts out afterward.



It was great, and we chatted until HE arrived. Then it was all awkward until it was time to go.


Vain.

I was feeling super nauseaus, and Vik asked HIM to send me back.

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Day 4

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Nothing much, basically stayed at home and rotted away watching the spectacular sunset.



Sorry, my camera sucks.

This was also the night I missed a class to initiate a conversation with him, telling him of my decision and kicking a steel wall in the process.

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Day 5

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Finally! I got to go out. But not before kicking another steel wall with HIM, when I told him about it. More like reported my movements to him, to his displeasure.

Lawrence's birthday gathering with a ton of people I didn't know. It was at Dempsey road, some place called Wine Network. I rushed down 2 hours late after class.



The decor was warm and cosy, just like a woody wine celler.



We had finger food and wine. Chris a la Muser was there,



On the far right. That's the only person other than Lawrence that I knew.

We had this:



South African something-something that I hope I'd be able to find just by name alone. It was NICE, very sweet and fruity and not dry at all, like most of the reds that I'm used to.

I think reds are good for certain occasions, and whites are good for certain occasions. As for me, both are good as and when I can get my hands on them.



I couldn't help myself when Lawrence excitedly brought his presents over to show me, and started playing with his toys.



I call it Squeaky von Squeak. And the interesting thing about this little fella is his box.



Please forgive me if you can't read the words. My camera sucks.

Anyway, I particularly loved the first and last line.

"Throw it at someone's head many times and then get beat up."

I can't read the rest properly, except that the second last line was.. "Use it as a makeshift urinal." I wonder how THAT is accomplished.

And the last line was "SQUEEK, DAMN YOU, SQUEEEEEEK!"

Damn cute.

I wasn't feeling very well seeing as I haven't been eating well the past few days, I think the wine went down wrong, because I started whining to Cudas how nauseated I felt and how hungry I was after I got home. Cudas finally couldn't take my whining and, being the ultra sweet sissy-ter that she is, cooked pasta for me.


"You better not post this picture up ah." Oops.



See? It has love written all over it.

Thankew Cudas my lovely sissy-ter!

And before I forget, Happy 26th birthday to old man Lawrence!


I'm not fat. He's just thin.

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Day 6

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Mom and Dad came back from Taiwan!

Stan and Shirl dropped us off at the airport 3 hours before the flight was scheduled to land. Cudas and I walked from Terminal 2.. to 1... back to 2.. and back to 1 again in search of somewhere to sit down and wait.





Took us quite awhile actually. The airport's really quite crowded at 8pm on a weekend.



It's really quite enjoyable to sit down on a cushiony sofa and enjoy an iced mocha and a book about photography (courtesy of Cudas).

At about 10.30pm, we set off for Terminal 1 again where my parents were arriving at.

A little bit of camwhoring here and there..





Cudas says she has great photography skills. What do you think?

I think mine's nicer:



Kinda' looks like a vortex.



What do you think this means?

"Have a drink, get a "blow" job!"

Cudas has a pose with the sunflowers too, but she forbade me to post that one. But she didn't say I couldn't post this one, so....


"Hi, I'm Cudas. I'm Jazzyme's sissy-ter."

My favourite picture of the night:



Uncle Bahyee, Dad's taxi-driving friend, was there waiting at the belt when we arrived to wait for our parents. And he was sooooooo excited when my parents finally appeared.

He took this family picture for us all.



And whisked us off to AMK for some eats. As usual, I couldn't eat much because it hurts whenever something's in my stomach.

We helped Mom unpack and since they didn't bring much there and most of the stuff they brought back were presents, we had fun spilling everything onto Mom's bed.



Mom bought this pair of hand-painted shirts for Cudas and me,



This awesome looking two-piece top,



And pretty much everything else shown here.



So many presents!

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Day 7

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Circuit revision, study, sleep, wake up, got real angry, cooled down, went back to sleep again, went to Fresh Air Cove, had a talk, did not feel better at all.

Oh, and I puked my guts out. Twice.

*Incoherent. Need sleep. Good night.*

Now that was unplanned


I was at Fresh Air Cove when he asked me where I was. He arrived 20 minutes later.

Not much happened, except that I was forced to divulge the new plans to him and he more or less reviewed it.

And then an unwilling "Ok lor. Give it a try lor."

I feel so cheapened. I'm making the effort to come out with solutions and it seemed like I opened myself up to be accused, to be put down, and to be judged, and yet still be expected to talk nicely to him, to tell him what I intend to do.

He makes it sound like he's making a huge sacrifice by agreeing to give us another try. One last chance. Very last chance.

I really feel so bloody cheap now.

Well, like I said, there isn't much that I can do now, is there?

I can also see that he has his heart set on not making any effort at all, except wait for things to happen by themselves. That's okay too, I guess, because there's only so much a person can give before her heart dies the way mine did. I had my heart set on another outcome already, but I guess I could give it another try, given that he made the trip out specially to come and accuse me. And when a person's heart is really dead, there won't be any need for all the emotional thrashing-up of oneself when the need for a decision comes along again.

I won't say that I'm giving us one very last chance because I won't know how I'd be feeling when things happen again next time. Maybe it'd be something different and I would feel that we will be able to improve in that aspect. I will say this though: I will just follow my heart and when it's dead enough, it's dead enough.

One thing though. I've learnt to enjoy my freedom, and I intend to have my freedom such as going out with my friends and clubbing with Jenn. I haven't told him this yet, but I'm sure the opportunity will present itself in which I can communicate with him on this.

I don't want to be locked up again. It's not a nice feeling, being in a guilded cage.

Fresh Air Cove


Yeap. I'll be making my way there in awhile.

Cudas says that she's getting sick of my verbal diarrhea recently, and when I read back I think I am too.

To prevent any more from coming out, I'm going to Fresh Air Cove for a spot of fresh air to clear my head, and perhaps devise more ways to bottle things up.

Wave if you see me.

"I'm Done"


I give up, and the rest is up to you.

There really is nothing more I can say.

Probably sick


I realise that if I applied pressure to the back of my head I get overcome by nausea.

Right about now, even tilting my head backwards makes me want to puke. And the worst thing is I've already did, and there's totally nothing left inside my stomach.

I tried forcing myself to, but nothing came out and it was to the extent of my stomach cramping up painfully, so I think I'll just have to deal with this nausea til whenever.

Anyone knows why this happens?

Very simply put


Note: This is not called asking for a chance. I don't need his chance. Just because I didn't put the major blame on him doesn't mean I am completely at fault. I'm just putting things into perspective and putting what I learnt to practice. At least I am aware of my faults where he isn't.

And now we're using our blogs to communicate. Great. Just great.


Another post is underway, but this is something I thought I wanted to make clear.

This is the reason why I did not want to start arguing with him. We'd both get so defensive and start defending ourselves and start pointing the finger at each other that the perspective of the relationship as a whole gives way to petty arguments.

He always listens to everyone else but me. So I am learning from everyone else on how to communicate with him, because maybe then he will actually listen.

How do I put across that I need my own life too, and still keep his best interests in mind? How do I gravitate him towards keeping my best interests in mind instead of his friends and his own? How do I accomplish that when he thinks I owe him everything?


Concerned Individual says:
when a relationship start to become an emotional transaction, its time to leave

Concerned Individual says:
sometimes its not abt what u can do to make him understand
Concerned Individual says:
To the believer, no explanation is necessary. To the skeptic, none will suffice
Concerned Individual says:
its something he has to realise himself
Concernec Individual says:
he had to think for himself
Concerned Individual says:
and know that u are trying
Concerned Individual says:
but knowing isnt enough
Concerned Individual says:
he needs to WANT to put in effort
Concerned Individual says:
on his own accord
Concerned Individual says:
not due to external influences

Concerned Individual says:
Be alone for the right reasons, not with someone for the wrong ones.

Today I learned a valuable lesson. I learnt that sometimes in life, not everything is within your power to be accomplished.

There is nothing more I can do to make him understand, other than telling him here that I've learnt invaluable lessons about handling the relationship and myself to keep his best interests in mind. I hope he will do so too, but this is something I cannot control. I can't tell him that everything will be ok from now on, that there're going to be no more problems at all from now on, but at least when given the space to grow, I did. And I want to put all that I've learnt into practice. It's ultimately still up to him whether he wants to try again.

*edited* The post that way underway has to be postponed because my ride is coming to fetch me and Cudas to the airport. My parents are coming back! Something to cheer about at last. Will be back to update soon.

Postmortem


Okay, it really IS too early in the morning. I realize I sounded incoherent in my previous post. I originally started by wanting to blog about how great I felt this morning, but I guess I kind of exploded at forcing myself to keep calm during the conversation where he kept accusing me of everything.

Anyways, either only pick out lessons to learn, communication, good points of the post, or disregard whichever that makes whoever's reading this feel bad angry in any way, because that post was not made to instigate any anger or trouble, and hopefully you'll get what I mean.

I'm awaiting for my parent's return from Taiwan tonight, me and Cudas are going to meet them at the airport at 11ish. I bid you all, good day.

Good Morning World!


Woah. This is like, the first time I've woken up so early. I've been here before, but usually because I totally didn't sleep at all. I think it's because of the wine I had last night at Lawrence's birthday dinner.

Only had one glass though, so I'm not sure it was the wine, or the thinking.

Ah well, I've done my best to make him understand. I can see that he still doesn't, but so be it. There's nothing more I can do.

I didn't want things to turn this ugly because I didn't want an argument straight before we decided if we wanted to give things a try.

Very simply put, I read his blog too. It is true that I repeat his mistakes in action to show him, and perhaps pushing too much of the blame to him. But everything happens for a reason.

When he creates a mistake, and I communicate to him about it, he nearly almost always gets angry. And when a person gets angry at you for something specific things that you do, you'll be scared to do the same again isn't it? Talking about the issue itself afterwards doesn't take away the initial fear of him getting angry when I try to communicate.

That was the first communication lapse, when I stopped communicating and started using action to show him how hurt I felt.

I admit it is my fault to want to hurt him as bad as he hurt me, and the reason I did things in action instead of words was that when I verbally tell him, he thinks that it isn't wrong and continues repeating the same mistake. I soon got to realise that if he knew the magnitude of which he was hurting me he'd stop. And one can only truly understand is when one goes through the experience, so I put everything into action.

He is a very fickle minded person, and his thinking fluctuates a lot. I do too, but the difference is that I don't impose on other people. He can actually tell me, when given a specific scenario situation, his point A. And when that scenario situation happens in reality, his point suddenly changes to point B, with point C supporting the back if all else fails. Everything in his favor.

And he likes to use the excuse of not knowing if the things hurt me after things happen, and expecting me to know if I hurt him or does anything he doesn't like. I am human too, and I may not know.

This is not an accusation, just an observation.

On a side note, I think he is feeling right now what I felt some time ago, when every single direction I walked I walk into a steel wall. Everything I did was some how wrong, like at the very beginning of the relationship, I walked out of an argument to cool down and to do some thinking.

That, in his eyes, was a SIN. So if you backed that scenario with right now, you'd see the difference. Back then, being allowed to have time to think was a sin. Now he's asking for his own time to think. And sooner or later, somewhere down the line, he's going to say that I've turned him into this, of which I could easily say was an experience that he knows I've gone through (I've said that kind of things to him, I mean).

About the friends thing. He says that I am in the wrong for stopping him to meet his friends. I actually am. I admit that. But I must say, *not pushing the blame, just stating a fact*, that the idea actually came from him. Firstly, I gave up my friends. He more or less says that I did it of my own accord, that he didn't ask me to. Then when I try to get my friends back, which was very hard to do given that I gave them up in the first place and they're not very forgiving, I only got some of them back. And when I tried making new friends, he'd always try to stop me from going to to meet them. "Can you don't go or not? *signature tired look and annoyed voice* ", "Why must always go out to meet guys?" To make things clear for the benefit of newer readers who don't know me well, my friends are normally guys, and I only mix well with guys because I grew up with guy, pretending to be a boy (when I was a lot younger). And the classic "Staying with me is not enough for you?" which always made my heart melt and back out on plans made with my friends at the last moment (I'm sorry, guys! This will all change, I promise).

He says that I have a problem with him meeting his only friend that I am ok with. I wish there is some way I could tell him that the problem wasn't the friend, it was him not telling me and giving me mental preperation before until the very last minute where I couldn't say yes or no. It was the "leaving me with no choice" that totally flipped me off. If he posed it in a question and asked if I minded, I would've agreed to it by my own accord. I was annoyed by his inconsideration, not by his friend. As usual, because we don't understand each other and we don't communicate, the assumption (usually a bad one) led to horrible mental images of each other. I think he is the monster, he thinks I am the monster.

*this is the part where I got angry, so if you're narrow minded you can skip this.*

What he wants me to do now is to admit that everything is my fault and suck it all up. I do wonder actually, because I've already did that when I initiated the talk with him, even though it was unneccessary because it spurred him into thinking that because I admitted that certain things were my fault, THE ENTIRE SITUATION was my fault.

I admit, the major part of it was that 1) I let him trample all over me in the beginning, thus he feels shortchanged now, and 2) My fault for letting myself turn into a monster. By that I meant the pushing of the blame and everything. Reason: In the beginning, I took fault for everything. Then I realised that when I took the blame upon my shoulders out of sheer love for him, he took it for granted and 1) Expected me to do the same the next time around, and 2) Kept pushing me again and again up against a wall, leaving me nowhere to go and yet continue to push. I think that after that realisation I kind of became like that too, and learned like him to push the blame because that was the only way to protect myself.

But still, I must admit, during the later stages most of it was my fault. For flaring up at the repetitive questions and all that. But I hope that every One understands that a person has only so much patience before she gets annoyed.

I think he thinks that this whole thing is my fault, that it is about me, because when I threw back a sentence that I hoped was a slap to his conscience, he replied with "This is about you, not me." And not surprisingly, this is not the first time he thinks the whole thing is my fault and expects me to suck it up like a little puppy.

You know we are thinking on the same wavelength when we both think that we both have endured a lot and that every time we quarrel, we think it's the last time we're going to endure. How many times I've told myself that too.

I woke up this morning with my heart set already, but after mulling over it in bed, thought that I should give it a few more days to stabilise (my own feelings, I meant).

The more I write the angrier I get, which was exactly opposite of what I had intended to do.

Talking to my closer friends since the thing happened has been a good thing, because they made me realise things in a way he never can, because of the communication lapse. Which is why I came up with a new plan to discuss and implement should he decide to give it yet another try. But as usual, there is no such thing as a "discussion" with him, only finger pointing and harsh words exchanged. The "discussion" had not even started, before he made up his mind that he wants a finger-pointing session instead of a "discussion".

On a side-note, I also realize that most of the time I am the one trying to come up with new solutions. And if they don't work, it automatically becomes my fault. He doesn't even try.

Everytime we quarrel I try to keep my anger and not say things out of anger just to spite him. Which is very hard to do because most of the time he's doing exactly that, unappreciative of the effort I'm trying to put in. Which I shouldn't be concerned about, because I've told myself that I will only think of what I should do, not what he should do. Meaning no expectation from him, which was part of the new plan. Which I haven't told him yet, because I think we're already too much like a business company (with company protocol for a lot of aspects in our relationship) without me having to send in a proposal for a new project (new ideas for improving this relationship) to get the boss's approval to continue the project (for him to decide whether he wants to continue this relationship).

Argh!

Ok, I think I should go take 5 and cool down before I get any angrier.

*takes 5*

Okay, I think it's too early in the morning to blog nicely. But anyhow, I've at least realeased off some steam. Better to realease it here than during any conversation with him again (if there are any), eh?

*update* I just read through my own post and realized that I sounded angry in the earlier parts of the post. I wish I had my webcam up so I could do a video-blog so that you readers can see and hear my expressions. Reading in cold hard black-and-white just isn't the same. You never know when I'm just stating the facts and when I actually got angry.

Feeling better


I realize much of the derange-ness came from knowing that something can be done but I was just withholding and forcing myself not to do anything until I made my decision.

Now that something's been done at last, I've already said what I needed to say. I don't know if any of that went into his brain, or if he thinks I'm lying because I'm desperate.

Actually, no. Junie was talking to me online today, and I don't understand why but his words are superbly powerful.

"It's obvious that you two can't let each other go yet. Why not stay together? Stop thinking about other things, and just do it." This really puts things into perspective.

I initiated a conversation with him, and sad to say, found out that he totally hasn't been thinking about this relationship at all. Doesn't matter.

I'm trying to improve the relationship but I need the other party to co-orporate with me. And that can only happen if the other party wants to try to improve this relationship.

When the question of whether he wants to give it another try was posed at him, he said he needed time to think. Now it's his turn to have doubts about continuing this.

However, either way, it's ok with me. I promised myself that I'd stick by my words, so if he wants to, I'll try my utmost to improve on the relationship (with his help, of course). If he doesn't, it's fine, because at least I made the effort and I tried. Even though I hit a blank wall, I have no regrets because I'll know that there is nothing else that I can do already.

Either way I become a better person. Either way, I've learned many lessons from this experience. Either way, there are going to be changes, maybe slowly, but it's going to happen.

Either way, "The Earth doesn't stop spinning." - FedEx.

Crazy


Yes, I admit I sounded a little deranged in both my previous posts. I feel a lot better and more or less back to normal now, but sorely lacking in cigarettes.

Had a re-think about the entire situation just now when I opened my eyes. I guess I can't find it in me at such an early hour to grow up.

All the imaginary situations posed at me, I thought I could overcome them, but I realised that my initial emotion was still anger. And when I got irritated and start to get angry, I force myself to remember FedEx's words, and the anger subsided somewhat.

This got me thinking. What if I gave in now and every time that he thinks I should, or wants me to. What if one day, the anger overcomes FedEx's words and I explode?

He thinks I'm spoilt. I think he's spoilt.

The same situation would resurface again. Do I think I can live with it for the rest of my life?

Everything Is Of My Own Doing


Everything.

I fell in love with him, therefore forcing him to fall in love with me.

I broke his heart, therefore breaking mine in the process.

I let him trample me to the ground, but only because I let him.

Oh god, everything is of my own doing.


"Until one day, those "Single guys" will give up on waiting and approach the "Single girls" which are not up to their expectation but they had no choice."

This is madness


I am crushing my own heart with my own fingers. Driving myself to the brink. Smoking myself to death.

Oh god please end everything. Please end this monster within me called feelings and emotions. Please let me feel no pain when I touch a flame. Please let me feel no pain when I crush my own beating heart into a pulpy slimy mess.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am not myself.

Please forgive me.

What am I doing?


Sleepless. Restless. I haven't slept much these couple of days.

I don't know what I'm doing. I walk in and out of my room aimlessly. Turn on the TV and stared without anything registering in my mind. Lit a cigarette backwards and smoked for an entire minute before realising it. Opening windows and closing them, not knowing what to do. Staring at the wall. At our pictures. We look happy. Aren't we supposed to be?

My hands are shaking. So many typos to correct. I'm typing a sentence over and over again.

This is the first time in my life I've checked my phone for so many times these past few days. I tried occupying myself with people and things to do, but relief is only short lived. I tried changing myself physically today, and I am shocked at myself for this outrageous move.

Withdrawal symptoms I guess. There is no fix for my addiction. There is no cure for the cravings.

Will I weaken and turn back? I keep telling myself that this is a moment of rashness, that rashness will not solve anything. My fingers are itching to dial in the telephone number that I'm so familiar with. Itching to leave a msn message.

Something feels so empty inside of me. A different kind of emptiness from when I am with him. Although not as serious, but this one turns back the tables on my "jaded-ness". I feel as though my body, once barren and deviod of blood flow, is gushing now from the gaping rip in my heart. As though the rip appeared and realeased all the blood. I feel like a river of rushing rapids, blood reaching to the furthest corner of my soul.

Why the need to act like we don't care? Why the need to act at all? Is this what love is all about? Or maybe we've been hurt too much that we find the ultimate need to protect ourselves by covering everything up with masking tape and hope to hell nothing leaks through?

Well, tonight, everything leaked through. Even the wall I built a long time ago to protect myself. Everything crumbled down and I am left with no defence.

I simply can't find the need to put off saying this any longer: I love him. I love him so much that it hurts, even though I know that we're not compatible, even under the threat of facing the undeniable difficulties ahead.


*leaves computer for 15minutes to walk aimlessly around*

Okay people, I think I've calmed down a bit. I think I'm ok for now, so you can go back to whatever you're doing and stop sharing in my sorrows. I am sorry for bringing sorrow to my readers, but I can't help myself. This blog is the only thing I have left now. I don't even have friends that I can talk to without screwing the situation up. I love my bike and I still love blasting around, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's all worth it. But that is another story altogether.

I have never felt so helpless before.

Somebody save me..

Should I Stay, or Should I Go


I know this question has been asked a few times before, but I still don't know.

Although I think the time-line that FedEx proposed for my own decision makes sense, I'm having my doubts as time pass by and I am still as fickle minded as ever.

And perhaps I'm easy to influence, I've decided to drop the idea of a time-line for my decision. I'll still try to come to a conclusion as soon as possible though, just that it's a relief not having a deadline hanging over my head.

On a side note, I am going to have my blood tested tomorrow, seeing as more and more symptoms of dengue fever are showing in me.

I had fever a few days ago, and now it's coming back on and off, there's a constant headache and aching muscles, a nosebleed a couple of days ago, and I do believe I've found a couple of spots that are bleeding on my body. I haven't eaten much these few days, vomiting more than eating.

I hope it's just the flu. In any case, I'll try to update as soon as possible.

Wish me luck.

听... 海哭的声音


面向海的坐在Fresh Air Cove， 寒风毫不留情的朝着已经冰冻了的心不停的吹，不停的吹。吹到了冰冷的骨子里头，感觉就像把锋利的刀不停的上下刮。

张惠妹忧伤的嗓子淡淡的在耳边不断的重复。

不知不觉的，突然有种想哭的感觉。自从没和他见面到现在，一滴眼泪都没流过。

我终于有了想哭的理由了。

Congragulations Cudas!


Cudas, a la my sissy-ter, got her blog featured in FINSonline!

Here.




They found her blog and liked her write up so much that they decided to publish her. Cudas, keep this up and you'll be a underwater journalist in no time!

I can't type too much right now because an interesting documentary about Jack the Ripper is on NatGeo right now, but WaHey! I'm going to be the sister of Cudas, famous underwater journalist!

*gone crazy from lack of sleep*

Time-Line


His words ring in my ears.

FedEx and I had a three-hour-long conversation at Fresh Air Cove (read: dam) just now. Mostly about what he read in my previous post. A little gossip about XXX service center and XXX company and XXX people in that company. A lot about me and my choices.

He says that I myself know what I want. That somewhere deep inside of me, a decision has been made. I just don't know about it yet.

I searched deep in the murky depths of myself and I honestly couldn't find the answer. Five minutes ago I was all for yes. Five minutes later I'm sliding towards the big N-O. I'm hesitant, and I don't know which option I should choose because both option require action and effort (perhaps one more than the other), and I don't know if I should take upon myself the effort I know I have to make if I go for option yes, or should I just take the advice of the masses and accept that our character differences are too great, and that I should just simply give up.

"40 years down the road, will you still be able to take it? "

I can honestly answer you - no. If the situation is still as it is right now, both of us will hate the shit out of each other.

The question was reinforced when I went to buy supper for my sister. The stallholders were a couple in their mid-forties. They snapped at each other and not a decent word was passed between them during the 10 minutes I was standing there at the stall. It looked like they hated each other, but were chained to their responsibilities as a married couple, as parents, and as stallholders.

Do I want to become like them?

On the other hand, FedEx opened up yet another portal for me. He told me of how he placated his ex-girlfriend and how I could use it in the relationship. He also corrected my mindset on the me-acting-like-the-guy-placating-his-girlfriend thingy by saying that the relationship is more important than anger, more important than wanting face, that if you want things to work, you should go the "logical" way instead of the "anger" way. That there is no male and female in a relationship, but two human bodies with emotional capacities.

FedEx said a lot of things, bought me a can of drink, and said some more. He said that in relationships, we should have time for other people like family, relatives and friends and time alone, citing an example which I thought made perfect sense, though I didn't agree much to it. He said that I shouldn't run away from my problems by shunting it to the furthest corners of my mind (which is the exact opposite of what I'm doing, or I wouldn't have asked him out), that I shouldn't be sitting on it and waiting for things to happen. He also said that in life, everthing need a time-line.

"If you can't make up your mind now, give yourself a deadline by which to make a decision. "

Sidetrack: You give me so many ideas for improving the relationship and you slide towards no. Fish you la. How to make decision like that?

I'm giving myself a time-line. I have until the end of this week to make a decision, and stick by my decision no matter what.

But just to make things clear to the One:

I'm sorry for flaring up on Friday because you informed me 8 minutes before my class ends that arrangements have been made to meet up with people, without first consulting me, therefore giving me no choice at all to react. I'm sorry for not telling you why I'm tu-lan about the thing.

I'm sorry for forgetting that I even flared up on Saturday. Did I even flare up? Didn't we have a good time buying trinkets from MimiToons and watching Transformers?

I'm sorry I flared up over your repetitive questions. Initially I thought I could handle all your questions because I do ask repetitive questions about bikes too. I did make myself remain calm and patient every time you asked repetitive questions. But I guess 5 times of "Did Alan invite us to the chalet" within 2 hours was too much for me. Maybe I felt that you weren't taking my words seriously, because I've been feeling that you don't take me seriously because you thought I knew nothing about the ways of the world. I had a reason to do so, because there've been many a time when you've doubted me because you thought I was too young to understand.

I'm sorry for flaring up majorly on Sunday because I disliked the way you do things. If you didn't want to eat that half a bun, you could tell me that if you ate it you'd have no appetite for Fish&Co. You could have told me when we were at AMK hub, that you weren't hungry (yet), instead of putting on a front of telling me that you're fine with going when it's obvious that that's not something you'd want. Like doing something just to please me, but that's not what I want. You could've told me that because you ate half a bun before we went out that you weren't hungry anymore, instead of straight "Who ask you to make me eat the bun?" after my hesitance.

I'm sorry for not telling you all these before, and I hope you'd understand. I'm sorry for letting the communication between us lapse.

I hope you'd understand too, why the decision has become a major one, and that I need to decide for myself what it is that I want before any action can be taken. I'm sure you're thinking about it too, and I'm sure your mind is gradually being made up over time, but I can't help it.

I want to make a decision that I can be responsible about. I want to make a decision that I can promise to myself about, that I can fulfil.

I hope you understand.

The Funeral Pyre of a Phoenix


Random squawk: "There is a bird which renews itself again and again. The Assyrians gave this bird his name - the Phoenix. He does not live either on grain or herbs, but only on small drops of frankincense and juices of cardamom. When this bird completes a full five centuries of live, with his talons and with shining beak he builds a nest high among the palm branches. He places in this new nest the cassia bark and ears of sweet spikenard and some bruised cinnamon with yellow myrth. Then he lies among those dreamful scents, and dies. And the Assyrians say that from the body of the dying bird is reproduced a little Phoenix which is destined to live just as many years." - Source unknown.


At age 20 I finally found out what love is. Before that, I never really did find true love; I never did had a real relationship like this one. Previously, I'd run away from any problem that occurred, and having fun was the main thing instead of gritting my teeth to bear the burden of a relationship together. I wasn't very accommodating, and fled at the slightest sign of a problem. Maybe that is how I cultivated an instinct to flee from everything, which in my books now, is a sin.

I realized that love is not all that I had envisioned and hoped it would be. Love is not perfect. I always believed in promises kept, trusting in each other, loving each other as if everyday was the last, and respect for each other, responsibility, fidelity, and communicating honestly. I still strive to find that kind of love.

Two years ago, I found an intelligent guy, and I was in love. I thought I've found the perfect guy, even though our relationship was riddled by problems. I was too blind to see the flaws in our perfect plan, our perfect love. I wasn't totally oblivious to the character difference, however, but I thought that we could overcome it.

I was awakened by reality when one of my friends quoted "personalities change, character doesn't". I was oblivious to the fact that there are many females like me with ideals and envisioned a love just as perfect, wasting their lives away believing that their man would change. But no man ever did. No woman ever did either.

Reality came too, as a gust of wind, when that friend told me that he'd rather be alone for the right reasons, instead of being together with someone for the wrong reasons. That came as a slap to the face, when I looked at my own choices and decisions. Why a slap? Because when I pose my own questions at myself, I can't answer most of them. I can't answer myself honestly why I am with him. I had many reasons that consisted of external factors, which were taken from an outsider's point of view, but none of them I could answer totally honestly to myself.

I always looked up to the couples who remained deeply in love even after being together for most of their lives. I strived to be like them, but I learned that although it looked effortless, it took a LOT of work to get to where they are. At age 20, I found out that I wasn't quite ready to go through what they have and emerge a more mature person. I admit, I am a tad immature when it comes to handling things as sacred as love.

I had many reasons, I desperately searched for any reason at all, however puny, to justify what I am doing. I could fool everyone else, but not myself. I knew that I have been depressed for a long time; I just could not find the reason why. So I covered up everything with excuses and hope that I would believe them.

I am not a good lover, simply because I don't give my all when I feel "shortchanged". I can give everything to a man when he makes me feel loved and he shows me that he can take responsibility and make decisions that would benefit the both of us. But when lacking in any of the areas above, I start contemplating our love, whether it is worth it to continue. I start thinking of things he can do on his side of the relationship, instead of thinking about what I can do, of totally trusting that he won't dash me to the ground. That is my fault. Being my lover isn't easy, because one has to deal with a precarious relationship most of the time.

Maybe it's me. My choices, my decisions, my actions. Maybe it's all me. Maybe I'm not fit for love. I'm not fit for the love that I envisioned.

How do you know when to hang on and when to give up? I don't know if I should do either, or do nothing at all.

How do you know?

A nose for thought


Walking along the pathway alone, a familiar smell wafted past.

My senses tingled. What was that smell? I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

It wasn't quite distinguishable, but its familiarity told me that this is something that I should know. It emenated youthfulness, as if it came straight out of my childhood.

They say that a nose never forgets. You may forget the features of a thing or a person. You may forget who it is. But you never forget the scents. Especially when they once brought you comfort and warmth, no matter what it was.

Within a split second, it was gone. Leaving behind no evidence of its trail, leaving me to grasp with invisible hands at its vanishing tail. Grasping at a chance to relive and relish it again, grasping at my rapidly vanishing youth.

I never did remember where it came from. But I'll never forget the comfort, the warmth, and the promise that everything's going to be ok.

Now all that's left to do is to muster up a smile, and tell myself.

Everything's going to be ok.

Solitary


Sometimes, being alone does you good.

You don't have to explain anything to anyone about what you're doing, you don't have to have your patience tested, you don't need to mask anything about yourself at all.

When I walk alone I get to do a lot of things I don't have to have an explaination for.

I smile to myself. I grumble. I flirt with the wind. I pretend to hide a teeny little chuckle. I get angry and stare daggers at passer-bys. I breathe in deeply the evening breeze, carrying the tips of mingled evening scents. Dew in the grass, rain in the air, dinners cooking on stoves, birds returning to their nests.



An Indian couple walks ahead of me, holding hands and chatting nonchalently. Oblivious to the turmoils raging in the body behind them. I smile again.

Sweet, young love.

Sometimes taking a walk alone isn't that bad. Having someone to walk with wouldn't hurt either.

So...

Would you care to take a walk with me?

Sick


Very sick.

Urgh.

I feel all sluggish, as if something is pressing in on me from all sides. I have a sore throat and the coughing's killing me.

Oh god, now I need to go vomit.

Excuse me.

Grooming


Continued from Cudas' Blog.


How dare you mock me.

I spent near to 4 hours in this position. What more can you expect from a girl with a pair of stationary scissors?



She looks so pretty now!



Just like a soft toy. Isn't she cute?

Back with updates


Well, for starters, here's the wayyyyyyyyyyyy overdue update on my first every nail art!



Had it done at the new manicure place right in the hub of coffeeshops near my home.

Standard manicure at $15, and $3 for each nail art. Greedy me got all my nails done, and thus potentially burning a hole in my pocket. Thankfully, mom sponsored the experience.

They gave me a whole lot of designs to choose from, and I chose this.



What do you think?

Oh, and by the way, because this is such a long overdue post, and I am such a rough girl, the nail art is all gone by now. Heh.

Oh, have I told you about my new part-time night job? I'm working as a beer promoter for Carlsberg and Tuborg. Only one or two nights a week, and I can decline working on nights when I'm having classes, plus the pay is relatively high, so I'm loving it.



Don't bother asking me where I'll be though, because we usually do roving, which means running from place to place. Unless specifically stated that we'll only be at one place for the night, I won't know where I'll be at a specific time.



I think I prefer the Tuborg dress.

And oh yeah, I've been having some problems after getting my bike back. It was fine and dandy for the first few days, just feels kind of under-powered. Then over the weekend I didn't get to ride (because Lazychoo didn't like going out with two bikes) and BAM! Problems again.

I couldn't start my bike on Monday, So I got CS to come and help me find out the problem. He scared the heck out of me when the first two words he said were "piston jam". After trying to push-start for the longest time, he still couldn't find out the problem, so I decided to leave it at that.

Along came Tuesday when I enlisted the help of Fed-Ex, and he solved my battery problem. But the bike still woudn't start. We deduced that it was a spark plug problem.

Lazy was told of the problem and asked around to see if anyone else had an extra spark plug we could use. CK had one, and so came down with his girlfriend at night to help out.


In showroom condition.

Trying to take out the original spark plug with a tiny tweaker. None of us had the tool to extract the spark plug.



When CK and his girlfriend had to leave for another appointment, we decided to enlist the help of the expert - Lionel. My mech.

He came down all the way from the workshop in Ubi to help me with my bike.


Very shy.

The problem couldn't be found even though he tried for a long time. So to give him a break, we called it a night and decided that it'd be better to tow my bike in to the workshop the next day where he would have more facilities with work with.

Problem found the very next day - somehow my oil tank's full of water. I couldn't find any reason other than when they attached the cap after respraying they didn't attach it properly, and water leaked in.

Cost of cleaning out carburator + insides of the oil tank - $60. Pocket. Big. Hole.

I'm still looking for a job. Argh.

Time for a little update on my goldfishies, Dum Dum and Bum Bum.



Doesn't look like it in this picture, but they've actually grown a lot bigger than they used to be. Thanks to Lazy's itchy hand in feeding them all the time.


Lazy loves those fishes.

While cleaning out their tank, we put them into a smaller tank that makes them look a lot bigger.



This is either Dum Dum or Bum Bum (we haven't decided which is which yet).



They're adorable.

And so is this!



To add on to my collection. Gotten on the second try at Causeway Point's Timezone!