What am I doing?


Sleepless. Restless. I haven't slept much these couple of days.

I don't know what I'm doing. I walk in and out of my room aimlessly. Turn on the TV and stared without anything registering in my mind. Lit a cigarette backwards and smoked for an entire minute before realising it. Opening windows and closing them, not knowing what to do. Staring at the wall. At our pictures. We look happy. Aren't we supposed to be?

My hands are shaking. So many typos to correct. I'm typing a sentence over and over again.

This is the first time in my life I've checked my phone for so many times these past few days. I tried occupying myself with people and things to do, but relief is only short lived. I tried changing myself physically today, and I am shocked at myself for this outrageous move.

Withdrawal symptoms I guess. There is no fix for my addiction. There is no cure for the cravings.

Will I weaken and turn back? I keep telling myself that this is a moment of rashness, that rashness will not solve anything. My fingers are itching to dial in the telephone number that I'm so familiar with. Itching to leave a msn message.

Something feels so empty inside of me. A different kind of emptiness from when I am with him. Although not as serious, but this one turns back the tables on my "jaded-ness". I feel as though my body, once barren and deviod of blood flow, is gushing now from the gaping rip in my heart. As though the rip appeared and realeased all the blood. I feel like a river of rushing rapids, blood reaching to the furthest corner of my soul.

Why the need to act like we don't care? Why the need to act at all? Is this what love is all about? Or maybe we've been hurt too much that we find the ultimate need to protect ourselves by covering everything up with masking tape and hope to hell nothing leaks through?

Well, tonight, everything leaked through. Even the wall I built a long time ago to protect myself. Everything crumbled down and I am left with no defence.

I simply can't find the need to put off saying this any longer: I love him. I love him so much that it hurts, even though I know that we're not compatible, even under the threat of facing the undeniable difficulties ahead.


*leaves computer for 15minutes to walk aimlessly around*

Okay people, I think I've calmed down a bit. I think I'm ok for now, so you can go back to whatever you're doing and stop sharing in my sorrows. I am sorry for bringing sorrow to my readers, but I can't help myself. This blog is the only thing I have left now. I don't even have friends that I can talk to without screwing the situation up. I love my bike and I still love blasting around, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's all worth it. But that is another story altogether.

I have never felt so helpless before.

Somebody save me..