The Funeral Pyre of a Phoenix


Random squawk: "There is a bird which renews itself again and again. The Assyrians gave this bird his name - the Phoenix. He does not live either on grain or herbs, but only on small drops of frankincense and juices of cardamom. When this bird completes a full five centuries of live, with his talons and with shining beak he builds a nest high among the palm branches. He places in this new nest the cassia bark and ears of sweet spikenard and some bruised cinnamon with yellow myrth. Then he lies among those dreamful scents, and dies. And the Assyrians say that from the body of the dying bird is reproduced a little Phoenix which is destined to live just as many years." - Source unknown.


At age 20 I finally found out what love is. Before that, I never really did find true love; I never did had a real relationship like this one. Previously, I'd run away from any problem that occurred, and having fun was the main thing instead of gritting my teeth to bear the burden of a relationship together. I wasn't very accommodating, and fled at the slightest sign of a problem. Maybe that is how I cultivated an instinct to flee from everything, which in my books now, is a sin.

I realized that love is not all that I had envisioned and hoped it would be. Love is not perfect. I always believed in promises kept, trusting in each other, loving each other as if everyday was the last, and respect for each other, responsibility, fidelity, and communicating honestly. I still strive to find that kind of love.

Two years ago, I found an intelligent guy, and I was in love. I thought I've found the perfect guy, even though our relationship was riddled by problems. I was too blind to see the flaws in our perfect plan, our perfect love. I wasn't totally oblivious to the character difference, however, but I thought that we could overcome it.

I was awakened by reality when one of my friends quoted "personalities change, character doesn't". I was oblivious to the fact that there are many females like me with ideals and envisioned a love just as perfect, wasting their lives away believing that their man would change. But no man ever did. No woman ever did either.

Reality came too, as a gust of wind, when that friend told me that he'd rather be alone for the right reasons, instead of being together with someone for the wrong reasons. That came as a slap to the face, when I looked at my own choices and decisions. Why a slap? Because when I pose my own questions at myself, I can't answer most of them. I can't answer myself honestly why I am with him. I had many reasons that consisted of external factors, which were taken from an outsider's point of view, but none of them I could answer totally honestly to myself.

I always looked up to the couples who remained deeply in love even after being together for most of their lives. I strived to be like them, but I learned that although it looked effortless, it took a LOT of work to get to where they are. At age 20, I found out that I wasn't quite ready to go through what they have and emerge a more mature person. I admit, I am a tad immature when it comes to handling things as sacred as love.

I had many reasons, I desperately searched for any reason at all, however puny, to justify what I am doing. I could fool everyone else, but not myself. I knew that I have been depressed for a long time; I just could not find the reason why. So I covered up everything with excuses and hope that I would believe them.

I am not a good lover, simply because I don't give my all when I feel "shortchanged". I can give everything to a man when he makes me feel loved and he shows me that he can take responsibility and make decisions that would benefit the both of us. But when lacking in any of the areas above, I start contemplating our love, whether it is worth it to continue. I start thinking of things he can do on his side of the relationship, instead of thinking about what I can do, of totally trusting that he won't dash me to the ground. That is my fault. Being my lover isn't easy, because one has to deal with a precarious relationship most of the time.

Maybe it's me. My choices, my decisions, my actions. Maybe it's all me. Maybe I'm not fit for love. I'm not fit for the love that I envisioned.

How do you know when to hang on and when to give up? I don't know if I should do either, or do nothing at all.

How do you know?