Now that was unplanned


I was at Fresh Air Cove when he asked me where I was. He arrived 20 minutes later.

Not much happened, except that I was forced to divulge the new plans to him and he more or less reviewed it.

And then an unwilling "Ok lor. Give it a try lor."

I feel so cheapened. I'm making the effort to come out with solutions and it seemed like I opened myself up to be accused, to be put down, and to be judged, and yet still be expected to talk nicely to him, to tell him what I intend to do.

He makes it sound like he's making a huge sacrifice by agreeing to give us another try. One last chance. Very last chance.

I really feel so bloody cheap now.

Well, like I said, there isn't much that I can do now, is there?

I can also see that he has his heart set on not making any effort at all, except wait for things to happen by themselves. That's okay too, I guess, because there's only so much a person can give before her heart dies the way mine did. I had my heart set on another outcome already, but I guess I could give it another try, given that he made the trip out specially to come and accuse me. And when a person's heart is really dead, there won't be any need for all the emotional thrashing-up of oneself when the need for a decision comes along again.

I won't say that I'm giving us one very last chance because I won't know how I'd be feeling when things happen again next time. Maybe it'd be something different and I would feel that we will be able to improve in that aspect. I will say this though: I will just follow my heart and when it's dead enough, it's dead enough.

One thing though. I've learnt to enjoy my freedom, and I intend to have my freedom such as going out with my friends and clubbing with Jenn. I haven't told him this yet, but I'm sure the opportunity will present itself in which I can communicate with him on this.

I don't want to be locked up again. It's not a nice feeling, being in a guilded cage.