Good Morning World!


Woah. This is like, the first time I've woken up so early. I've been here before, but usually because I totally didn't sleep at all. I think it's because of the wine I had last night at Lawrence's birthday dinner.

Only had one glass though, so I'm not sure it was the wine, or the thinking.

Ah well, I've done my best to make him understand. I can see that he still doesn't, but so be it. There's nothing more I can do.

I didn't want things to turn this ugly because I didn't want an argument straight before we decided if we wanted to give things a try.

Very simply put, I read his blog too. It is true that I repeat his mistakes in action to show him, and perhaps pushing too much of the blame to him. But everything happens for a reason.

When he creates a mistake, and I communicate to him about it, he nearly almost always gets angry. And when a person gets angry at you for something specific things that you do, you'll be scared to do the same again isn't it? Talking about the issue itself afterwards doesn't take away the initial fear of him getting angry when I try to communicate.

That was the first communication lapse, when I stopped communicating and started using action to show him how hurt I felt.

I admit it is my fault to want to hurt him as bad as he hurt me, and the reason I did things in action instead of words was that when I verbally tell him, he thinks that it isn't wrong and continues repeating the same mistake. I soon got to realise that if he knew the magnitude of which he was hurting me he'd stop. And one can only truly understand is when one goes through the experience, so I put everything into action.

He is a very fickle minded person, and his thinking fluctuates a lot. I do too, but the difference is that I don't impose on other people. He can actually tell me, when given a specific scenario situation, his point A. And when that scenario situation happens in reality, his point suddenly changes to point B, with point C supporting the back if all else fails. Everything in his favor.

And he likes to use the excuse of not knowing if the things hurt me after things happen, and expecting me to know if I hurt him or does anything he doesn't like. I am human too, and I may not know.

This is not an accusation, just an observation.

On a side note, I think he is feeling right now what I felt some time ago, when every single direction I walked I walk into a steel wall. Everything I did was some how wrong, like at the very beginning of the relationship, I walked out of an argument to cool down and to do some thinking.

That, in his eyes, was a SIN. So if you backed that scenario with right now, you'd see the difference. Back then, being allowed to have time to think was a sin. Now he's asking for his own time to think. And sooner or later, somewhere down the line, he's going to say that I've turned him into this, of which I could easily say was an experience that he knows I've gone through (I've said that kind of things to him, I mean).

About the friends thing. He says that I am in the wrong for stopping him to meet his friends. I actually am. I admit that. But I must say, *not pushing the blame, just stating a fact*, that the idea actually came from him. Firstly, I gave up my friends. He more or less says that I did it of my own accord, that he didn't ask me to. Then when I try to get my friends back, which was very hard to do given that I gave them up in the first place and they're not very forgiving, I only got some of them back. And when I tried making new friends, he'd always try to stop me from going to to meet them. "Can you don't go or not? *signature tired look and annoyed voice* ", "Why must always go out to meet guys?" To make things clear for the benefit of newer readers who don't know me well, my friends are normally guys, and I only mix well with guys because I grew up with guy, pretending to be a boy (when I was a lot younger). And the classic "Staying with me is not enough for you?" which always made my heart melt and back out on plans made with my friends at the last moment (I'm sorry, guys! This will all change, I promise).

He says that I have a problem with him meeting his only friend that I am ok with. I wish there is some way I could tell him that the problem wasn't the friend, it was him not telling me and giving me mental preperation before until the very last minute where I couldn't say yes or no. It was the "leaving me with no choice" that totally flipped me off. If he posed it in a question and asked if I minded, I would've agreed to it by my own accord. I was annoyed by his inconsideration, not by his friend. As usual, because we don't understand each other and we don't communicate, the assumption (usually a bad one) led to horrible mental images of each other. I think he is the monster, he thinks I am the monster.

*this is the part where I got angry, so if you're narrow minded you can skip this.*

What he wants me to do now is to admit that everything is my fault and suck it all up. I do wonder actually, because I've already did that when I initiated the talk with him, even though it was unneccessary because it spurred him into thinking that because I admitted that certain things were my fault, THE ENTIRE SITUATION was my fault.

I admit, the major part of it was that 1) I let him trample all over me in the beginning, thus he feels shortchanged now, and 2) My fault for letting myself turn into a monster. By that I meant the pushing of the blame and everything. Reason: In the beginning, I took fault for everything. Then I realised that when I took the blame upon my shoulders out of sheer love for him, he took it for granted and 1) Expected me to do the same the next time around, and 2) Kept pushing me again and again up against a wall, leaving me nowhere to go and yet continue to push. I think that after that realisation I kind of became like that too, and learned like him to push the blame because that was the only way to protect myself.

But still, I must admit, during the later stages most of it was my fault. For flaring up at the repetitive questions and all that. But I hope that every One understands that a person has only so much patience before she gets annoyed.

I think he thinks that this whole thing is my fault, that it is about me, because when I threw back a sentence that I hoped was a slap to his conscience, he replied with "This is about you, not me." And not surprisingly, this is not the first time he thinks the whole thing is my fault and expects me to suck it up like a little puppy.

You know we are thinking on the same wavelength when we both think that we both have endured a lot and that every time we quarrel, we think it's the last time we're going to endure. How many times I've told myself that too.

I woke up this morning with my heart set already, but after mulling over it in bed, thought that I should give it a few more days to stabilise (my own feelings, I meant).

The more I write the angrier I get, which was exactly opposite of what I had intended to do.

Talking to my closer friends since the thing happened has been a good thing, because they made me realise things in a way he never can, because of the communication lapse. Which is why I came up with a new plan to discuss and implement should he decide to give it yet another try. But as usual, there is no such thing as a "discussion" with him, only finger pointing and harsh words exchanged. The "discussion" had not even started, before he made up his mind that he wants a finger-pointing session instead of a "discussion".

On a side-note, I also realize that most of the time I am the one trying to come up with new solutions. And if they don't work, it automatically becomes my fault. He doesn't even try.

Everytime we quarrel I try to keep my anger and not say things out of anger just to spite him. Which is very hard to do because most of the time he's doing exactly that, unappreciative of the effort I'm trying to put in. Which I shouldn't be concerned about, because I've told myself that I will only think of what I should do, not what he should do. Meaning no expectation from him, which was part of the new plan. Which I haven't told him yet, because I think we're already too much like a business company (with company protocol for a lot of aspects in our relationship) without me having to send in a proposal for a new project (new ideas for improving this relationship) to get the boss's approval to continue the project (for him to decide whether he wants to continue this relationship).

Argh!

Ok, I think I should go take 5 and cool down before I get any angrier.

*takes 5*

Okay, I think it's too early in the morning to blog nicely. But anyhow, I've at least realeased off some steam. Better to realease it here than during any conversation with him again (if there are any), eh?

*update* I just read through my own post and realized that I sounded angry in the earlier parts of the post. I wish I had my webcam up so I could do a video-blog so that you readers can see and hear my expressions. Reading in cold hard black-and-white just isn't the same. You never know when I'm just stating the facts and when I actually got angry.