Back at work and lovin' it!


Back during the days of my MC I was kind of dreading the day I went back to work. I thought of the huge pile of paperwork waiting for me, and the many irate customers who were chasing after me for their car accessories (since I am the one in charge of them).

Going to work would be a roller-coaster ride too, seeing as Lazychoo has to pillon me there. So on top of the aftershock of the accident, it's even scarier when we're both late, and Lazychoo has to squeeze through cars at a fast speed.

Now that I'm back to work, I still have a mountain of paperwork to do, irate customers and annoying sales agents chasing after me, new systems to implement, new projects to rush and deadlines to meet. But instead of dreading it, I'm in the thick of things, loving the action.

Sure, I may be stressed as hell, screaming at annoying sales agents, but at the end of a long day I feel a sense of satisfaction.


The world's worst private investigator who couldn't take a picture without me noticing and taking a picture of him back. Who also happens to be my supervisor.

However, because of the recent projects (and supervisors pretending to be private investigators) causing me so much stress, I've been a bit of a short fused firecracker recently. Annoy me even the teeniest bit and I'll flare up.

Like the other day when we were on our way to the nearby coffeeshop for our dinner. Lazychoo has this habit of asking the same question at least 3 times (within 5 minutes) even though I've already explained twice (within 5 minutes). He asked me the same question 3 times in a row and I snapped at him.

All it took was a hurt expression and "Why you so fierce?" to make me feel awfully bad.

Shit.

What's happening to me? I've become a bad-tempered monster. Argh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You.

He's not a poor thing.

1) He's the only one who is still married, and

2) Many, many people have said the same thing about me.

So don't use that example to cite me, mister.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ok, since the picture hiatus, I've -

- Been to see my bike.

I am awed by the majesty of my bike right now. I seriously wonder how in the world did I manage to make this possible:


My front left fairing. Notice the left signal light literally hanging by a thread.


My left gearshift lever, twisted in.


My beloved Dante's face, disfigured because I was careless.


Bit of scratches on my left side fairing.


Big-assed crack (no pun intended) down my right side fairing.


By standards this crack on the right of my tailpiece would already have me mortified. But along came...


...this. The whole piece came out. Nice. My birthday present from Lazychoo's missing too.

So overall damages were mostly on my fairings. My mechanic told me there was nothing with my engine or anything inside.

However, the most shiok part is this.



I had to rotate the picture for it to be at the right angle. You know some ah-bengs would kill for this pointing-at-the-sky exhaust endcan.

So on top of changing the entire set of fairings, I need to change the entire exhaust system too. This is going to set me back for like... maybe.. Paris? Yea, I definately won't be able to make it in time to Paris for my 21st birthday.

Dammit.


- Met up with a couple of people who have actually bypassed me in the world of dirty minds and bo liao actions


I admit, I have an extremely dirty mind. I frequently check out asses and comment on them, be it male or female. I can turn the most innocent of things into a hilarious uproar. But I think I don't need to say that, most of you already know that.

I met up with Mr Beanstalk and Mr Famous last Friday for a dinner and a short stroll.

Dinner was great, except for the part where I almost choked on my meat when Mr Famous and Mr Beanstalk displayed their annoying knack of having a dirtier mind than I have. Lucky for me, I was still more bo liao than them.

Our work of art for the night,



Created by Mr Famous and Ms Flower. Artfully touched up with chilli by Mr Beanstalk.



Taking a brave stab at being artistic but succeeded in making it look grosser than it already was.

The short stroll proposed by Mr Famous turned out to be a full blown walk from Yishun Central to the Yishun Dam. With my injured leg, nonetheless!

It was very tiring, but fun because I haven't met these two monkeys for quite awhile. Their lively jokes and hilarious antics brightened up my otherwise gloomy day.

We sat at the dam for awhile comparing scars (I know, it's a weird hobby). Because they wondered loudly what kind of weirdo brought along a digicam wherever she went, I forced them to take a picture with me.



The Tan Club: Mr Famous, Ms Flower and Mr Beanstalk.



- Found a car worth mentioning in my blog




A car with a big pink arrow-thru-heart design on the doors, and the words Just Married in pink lining the window and bodykit.

People behind me:
"Look at that car. Look so sissy."
"I wonder if the Just Married will apply when they've had this car for a few years."
"That guy not paiseh meh?"
"Maybe he bring his mistress out in this car leh?"

Nasty words from nasty people.

I thought it was lovely. What a romantic guy and lucky wife, whose husband doesn't mind dolling his car up in pink, people questioning his sexuality, enduring mockery from his friends and nasty words from nasty people just to make his wife happy.

That's right. You don't have to give a damn about how others see you, because they're not the ones that matter to you. She likes it, and that's all that matters.

Such a sweet guy.


- Grandmama's birthday dinner


Grandmama had a small birthday dinner at my mom's coffeeshop the other day.

While on the way out for the dinner, my sister Cudas tried out her brand spanking new camera that she was to use for underwater photos when she goes diving.

Here's one of her sample photos:


Coke is good for you!

She was still playing with her camera when we reached, so I took a picture of her playing with her camera. Notice the cheeky one at the bottom-right of the picture?



The after effect, Cudas with her expensive new camera.



The youngest member of the Lim family, courtesy of Cudas' newfound photography skills.



Her older sister playing with the blow up bubble thingy that we've all played with at some point of our lives.



To the right...



To the left...



Downright center...



..Ok, that wasn't so bad, compared to my aunt JenX, who kena our merciless picture taking through eating butter crabs.

Happy to comply..



Tired of it...



"Stop taking my picture la!" She looks like some superstar with all the flashing going on around her.



And the standard "If you post this I will kill you" photo.


So kill me.

So while Cudas was asking our Dad for photography tips,



They started with the group photos.



Somehow Cudas and I were left out. Probably because we were busy with other things.



There we are!

Grandmama firmly believes that she's ten.



So ends the birthday dinner for grandmama.


The Southpark Jazz.

So while we're still on the topic of Cudas, here's her blog -> http://barracudas.wordpress.com/
She's a deep thinker, a lot deeper than I am anyway, and she has this way with words that even I cannot have.

So, thus the question: Are you ready for her?

Stuck at work


I am now blogging from the warehouse section of my company, far far away from my own office.

Was supposed to be meeting a colleague here and going over to our HQ for a bo liao meeting with the "powers that be", but it's been postponed from 9.30am to 11.30am, and not postponed to 1.30pm.

I am so fed-up with waiting!

My warehouse colleagues are nice people. They're also very free people. I've been here all this while and they've been playing computer games all the way. What the......?

I want to work here! It's so near to Lazychoo's office too. Less than 5 minutes' walk away.

I'm soooooooo bored!

Just a thought


Work pile is getting bigger and bigger everyday. The political warfare is starting. I stare at my in-tray everyday and wish I can burn everything.

Stress ah!


The only way is not to scream.. not to scream.. not to scream..

The only way is...

You know when you've been hurt by a person so much that when you finally hear his heart cracking, you miraculously feel a trickle of warm blood from your already turned-to-stone heart.

Warm, gushing blood that fills your entire body with warmth.

I'm glad I feel like trash now. I'm glad that I feel this struggling throes within the bloody constriction of my chest. I'm glad to feel this pain, because I know that I must've truly loved before to feel this much pain.

At least when I am on my deathbed, I can tell myself that my life is not wasted. That I've dared to love and dared to hate, dared to take the risk and dared to take the fall.

That I've truly lived.

I am so MAD I want to strangle someone


ARGH!

I realized that most Scorpios are more or less the same


They have this same irritating trait that most men have of asking questions about the most logical things (only females will understand this one).

Scorpios, I realized, are possessive and jealous. Nearly all Scorpios I've met are, including one I was talking to last night who didn't seem like the stereotype of a Scorpio, but admitted to being both possessive and jealous.

Most of them are determined (stubborn). Most also have a very big ego that annoys the heck out of girls like me, but attracts the weaker ones. Some of them, like the one I was talking to last night, are completely opposites to what their horoscope says, but these are only a rare few.

Those were the stereotypes. The following is what I found out on my own.

They have this annoying knack of trying to be mysterious. Their words over sms-es are short and curt, straight to the point. This makes them terrible to have a conversation with.

Male Scorpios are also the only zodiac I've seen who are so obssessed with their own zodiac. I've met at least three of them who wants to put tattoos of a scorpion on their arms, shoulders, back, whatever, and one of them has already done it.

Scorpios are are among the highest in the rank of zodiacs who follow obediantly what their horoscopes say, so that even if it doesn't sound like them, they'll change themselves to suit the horoscope. Which goes to say stereotyping Scorpios is not entirely wrong, just keep in mind that there are a rare few who actually don't give a hoot about zodiacs and horoscopes.

I look around me


I look around me and I ask myself
Where am I?

The bed, the wardrobe, the bookcase, the vanity mirror, the computer table.
They're not mine.

They're the furniture he picked out for me.
They're the furniture Mom bought for me.
They're not mine.

I try to fill every nook and cranny with pieces of me
But it still doesn't feel as if I'm truly here.

I've been living on other people's taste,
Catering to other people's words like a hungry puppy,
Willing to roll over for treats.

I feel strange in the one place that is me: My bedroom.
I feel strange that the one place I find comfort, is not here with me.
I don't even know where he is or what he's doing.

I feel stupid for basing my comfort in such a delicate place.
I feel sold-out for slobbering like a puppy over his every word.
I feel like a used up piece of trash.

I feel so stupid for prioritizing him over my friends.
And now they left me.
And maybe so will he.

I look around me
And I sigh.

What have I done?

I scratched my eye this morning


And now I have to keep my eye bandaged up for at least 5 days.

Can't type much because I can't see much.

Anyway,

Yuffie: Thanks for standing up for me. Very much appreciated. *hugs*

Anonymous: I know you care about me. I know who you are. I'm only keeping quiet because I treasure our friendship, but please don't go overboard.

The other Anonymous: You seriously have too much time on your hands.

Anyway, just to clear the air, this is after all my blog. My blog is here for me to write down whatever I feel without restrictions. So whatever you've read is whatever I feel. I'm not here to seek sympathy because I don't know whoever is reading my blog. Wouldn't it to make more sense for me to whine to someone in person (preferably a besotted guy) instead if I want people take pity and be nice to me?

I have nowhere else to turn to except my blog. Either that or I have to keep everything all bottled up and in turn, explode. Please don't take this away from me as well.

Thank you.


*UPDATED 9.05pm*

Anon: You being a guy can never understand how girls feel and go through in relationships. If you haven't noticed, males are slightly more unfeeling than females, thus making most of them not understanding at all, which is why we girls make a big hoo-ha over an understanding guy.

Anyway, Yuffie is right. She put into words that I cannot: That I've come to a crossroad and I am confused as to where to go. So in the meantime, there's nowhere else to offload this excess of feelings, so I write them down in my blog.

I wrote them down not for you to judge, not for you to decide what I should and should not do. I wrote them down because they are my feelings, because friends who care about me can read them and understand why I feel the way I feel and ultimately, get to know me more than anyone else can through normal conversations where everebody hides behind a mask.

Some of you may not understand even though I could not be any more plainer with my words, those are the low IQ idiots who think they understand me, i.e the "no MAN can DIE" Mr anonymous. I seriously cannot find any words more plain in my previous post to contradict everything you say. And then there are those who think they understand me and think they know what's best for me.

Hello? I have a free will, right? I choose what I want or don't want, can or cannot do. Right now I just don't know what I want, but that doesn't give you the right to gain control over my life and tell me what's right and what's wrong.

I seriously don't feel the need to clarify myself on my own blog, but I don't like to see my friends being flamed for standing up for me. I do agree with what Yuffie says. If Mr Anonymous took it the wrong way, there's nothing we can do about it, right?

Anonymous, like I said, please don't go overboard.

I am more than spineless


I didn't stand up for myself. I caved in to my own desires.

I wanted so badly for things to be like they were. For us to be as loving as we were. But deep down inside, I know that if we're going the long way things have to change.

I'm not sure what we are right now contributes to our future, I'm not even sure if we're doing the right thing.

Feels like there's a stranger in my bed. Breathing steadily beside me.

Who is this person beside me?

Much as the accident scared the heck out of me, much as the anguish it brought me, I'm glad it happened. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. The accident, and Lazychoo leaving. It gave me the time to be alone. To think, and reflect.

Sure, the first week alone was the hardest. But now that the hardest part is over, I've more or less settled into being comfortable with being by myself.

To see truly who are the ones who stood by me. Who left me alone and who didn't. To discover who my true friends are. An unexpected person who dropped by to pass me a book. This black dude who dropped by to watch a VCD with me. People who bought medical supplies and snacks for me. People who just plain dropped by to say hi and chat.

In a sense, the accident might have made me a better person. I got back into contact with a few old friends and they opened up a world of possibilities. Being alone and independant during my hardest time, I learned how to rely on myself again.

Of course, the people who cared the most was my family. Mama, papa, sister, grandmamas and grandpapa, cousins, aunts and uncles. They really opened my eyes to see how important being family is.

But now...

My independance is being taken away from me again. I've finally learnt to enjoy being alone, and now I can't be. And there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I dare to do. Everything I do is always wrong. Everything I say is childish.

Now we're stuck in a kind of limbo. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. Do you know what you want?

Do you?

A part of me died at the accident that day. A part of me is still sitting dazed in the middle of the road somewhere in Lentor. Covering my face with bloody palms and screaming my lungs out.

Don't touch me, don't touch me. Somebody please help me. Please...

I've tried my best. Now I'm giving up and resigning to whatever that's coming. I've tried my best, so do your worst to me now.

I am a spineless jellyfish


And I suck.

Argh.

Fish


In the middle of a conversation, after I let on that I'm used to sleeping by myself already,

*Reaches out to touch my spine*
"... Wow Jasmine, finally you've grown some backbone!"

Fish you understand. Fish you.

I don't cry easily


"One last question."

"ya?"

"Do you need me?"

"No."

Ouch. That hit me like a brick to the face. OK, maybe I asked for it.

Suddenly my eyes were filled with tears.

He later salvaged things by turning things around.

""Need" is don't want and hate it so much but still must have.
I hate work so much and I wish not to go to work.
But still have to ... because I need to.
"Want" meaning. The door is open.
Take it or leave it. And I chose to take it. And the decision is what that matters. You Chose to Want me. Not need me no choice and take."

He is probably the only guy I know who can turn black into white. He should be a lawyer, but then again I guess I'm the only one naive enough to believe in him.

Sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*EDITED*

Actually you know what? I think I'll just scrape that and put this into plan. Heh.

Doc says


You don't need me. You never did needed me.


That I'm healing beautifully.

Whichever part looks beautiful, I wonder.

The swelling's gone down. Doctor says I can start to gently massage all along my leg to recirculate the blood. Now the only part that's in bandages is the deepest cut that needed stitches but someone was too chicken to get them.

I deeply thank Dr So and the pretty and sweet receptionists that have been more than kind and gracious to me.

Okay so here's my journey:

A few days after the accident.







All the parts that were hurt:










My right hip.

What I had to face every night.



The wounds, now.

It's an awfully sad thing


When in a relationship, instead of doing things for each other in the name of love you have to make rules and regulations and adhere strictly to them in case the other party doesn't adhere to your rules.

It's sad that we have to make rules, damn specific ones, to build our foundation, which over the past year and a half amounted to pretty much nothing.

It's pretty sad that in a relationship you have no trust, nor respect for each other anymore.

It's quite sad when in a relationship you have to force/be forced to like someone else.

It's damn sad that you drag a talk for over a week just so you can go to some stupid wedding banquet. Isn't it obvious what you're doing only when after the thing is over and you try picking up the pieces only then?

It's damn inhumane to leave either party alone when they're hurt and immobilized, for over a week without solving anything just so you can go to some stupid wedding banquet.

It's sad to see a relationship without love.

What kind of a relationship is this?

... Ours.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Yet another Victory


I can walk without my crutches!

Not a pretty sight though. I still can't bend my right ankle. I found out that I can put my weight on my right leg yesterday, with my ankle straight out.

I can lift off my left foot and place it at the side of my right, and keep moving my right foot forward.

I took my dog out for a walk last night, for the first time in two weeks. Although we didn't get far, it was a victory!

Once my ankle is healed, if there is anything left over from my bike repairs, I'm taking it to go do bo liao things. Yay~!

It's a sad thing


When a mother has to fulfil a promise made to her daughter by her daughter's boyfriend just to make her daughter happy.

Isn't it awfully sad?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Would you rather be with someone you can live with or with someone you can't live without?"

I know this quote has been around for a long time, but I just felt like quoting this now.

Maybe we both just haven't found the person that we can't live without.

No wait. You have. You can't live without your best friend, so I think you've already found one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picnic was great! I missed you guys.

Seng, Yong Chuan, Jiahe and kopi less sugar(newest addition).

Had fun. We should do this more often.

*UPDATED w/ photos 13-03-07*

A relatively artistic photo of Jiahe with kopi less sugar (or as he calls it officially, Cobi.)



Yong Chuan playing with kopi less sugar



Some kuku playing with my crutches.


Fun right?

I love Michael Bolton


When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby I am a man
When a man loves a woman

Bird food


Andy: "If my girlfriend was hurt and told me to go away and leave her alone, even if she chased me out with a broom I would not have left."

I haven't been able to take care of my birds properly these past two weeks.

I've ran out of bird food since god knows when. Been feeding them millet sprays and fruits.

As I tried calling people to help, nobody was able to. Either they had something else on, or they totally don't pick up.

I feel so helpless. I can't even take care of myself properly now, much less my pets. They depended on me and I let them down.

I, am going out on my crutches to buy bird food at Yishun Central.

If I can do this on my own, I can do anything on my own from now on. I don't need anybody to survive. I don't need you.


Hopefully I'll be back in time to meet up with Ah Seng. We're going to have a picnic.

Tired


Much as I'd like to let go, you've earned your chance.

However, tonight will not be forgotten.

And to think my grandma had thought that you'd be here and bought food for you.

Ah well, whatever, I'm not caring.

Victory!


I made two significant (to me) victories today.

One. I can almost stand on my right foot.

I kept pushing myself to ignore the pain and force stepped with my right foot. Slowly, of course. I can let it touch the ground, and with my gigantic ass against the wall, I can lift off my left foot!

One small step for me, one gigantic step for mankind! (Ok, I didn't know where that came from.)

I tried using the support of one crutch and walk, but I couldn't get my ankle to bend. And from two weeks of misuse, my walking muscles are gone cased. I took one step with my right. Put it on the floor. Lift off my left foot and... crumbled.

However, my progress is steady. I believe I can start walking within the next three days.

If you believe in yourself, anything is possible.

And two. I finally went out for the first time in two weeks.

To the Yishun Dam! Stan took me there on his Hayabusa, and I balanced the top of my crutches on his oil tank, carrying the body of the crutches against me.

Stanley and Shirley were there, so were Andy and Murphy and some dudes I'm not close with. After the rest went off for supper leaving Stan and Shirl and me, Andrew and his father came with their CBR and MT01.

Not much races to see today, just a couple of wannabes with P plates spewing smoke everywhere in their bid to see who could reach the next hump first.

I was there for five whole hours, and smoked more than all two weeks combined together. Shiok! Fresh air outside (maybe not so, we were facing some factories in Malaysia) really did me good.

Lazychoo came a short while after Tommy, and sent me home. Thanks for setting aside your pride to come and pick me up.

Anyway, YAY! I am still so psyched! And to think that I never actually was this excited about going just to the dam. I love you Yishun Dam!

It's Saturday night


Still stuck at home.I've exhausted all my cartoons. Twice.

Some people are fighting downstairs.

I feel so helpless. Can't even clear my own table without help.

Stan's offered his bike for transport to the dam, but I kind of figured that if I couldn't stand on my right leg, I sure as hell won't be able to pillon on a bike with it.

Anyone with a car. Please. Please. I want to go out.

I could take the alternative and take a cab to the dam, but it'll be really weird. Who the hell takes cabs to dams anyway?

Cripples, that's who.

I am a cripple. Oh god, I am a cripple.

Crazy people


In the middle of a serious conversation,

JS:
there is a man
and a fish
and this fish says to this man
"What would happen if all the men in this world became fish?"
You know what the answer is?


....there'd be MORE (fishes).

Nice. Very nice.

JS later salvaged himself by promising to be there for me when I start crying after this anger.

Thanks for being there for me, JS. ^-^

Life's gonna be hard from here on out


Myabe just a bit harder by myself.

But with hope, I believe I am strong enough!

Okay, that was just to cheer myself up, but it's working. Heh.

Gambatte!

It's Friday night


And I am stuck at home alone.

Oh god I feel so pathetic.

*sobs*

Helpless


I had an accident.

I am now in pain. I can't make my way to the toilet painlessly.

I am worried to death about work. I haven't been in to work for nearly two weeks.

I have to redress my wounds every night, and am worried about running out of supplies.

My birds are hungry. My dog missed her nightly walk last night.

My bike is now seriously damaged. I have to settle the damages soon.

I need to do something about the insurance. I don't know what.

I enrolled for my 2A before the accident, and have missed a lesson since then.

I am doing all of these alone.

My boyfriend stepped on me at my lowest point.

I need more MC by Monday.

I haven't gone out for a long time.

I can't get my right ankle straight. I can't stand on my right foot.

The yellowish liquid is coming out of the deepest puncture. I am worried that the doctor will have to scrub it again on Monday.

I sprained my other ankle.

I am so damn worried about.........

I.. am breaking down.

Please.. let me die.

Sometimes I just feel that..


... you don't love me at all.

You don't care about my feelings.

I try to understand how hard work has been for you.

Do you understand how hard this period of time is for me?

No, you don't.

There you go to sleep again, leaving me with nowhere to pour out my heart to, except my blog.

Then again....

Hello, Han. ^-^

Famous Amos


"Intrigue; desire; says:
accident
lose ability to walk
lost bf
lost faith
lost hope
wish i died in the accident"

"Bored says:
hey
one thing u wont lose , its my friendship ^^
hope that count"


Thank you, Amos. It means the world to me.

Picking up the pieces


...

You know what I found out today?


Stewie Griffin speaks with a slightly noticeable lisp. Most people would overlook it, him using babytalk with a distinct British accent and all.

Oh geez, I'm way too bored. Watching old episodes of Family Guy at home when I should be in the midst of the chaos we call work.

Flashback


We passed by Lentor on our way back just now.

In the car. A car cuts from the left. Another one. A bike cuts at the exact spot I had the accident.

Flashback. Cab coming nearer. The shiny yellow surface.

BANG!!!!!!

Can't get the sound out of my ears. It repeats, over and over and over again.

BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!

Mocking me.

Rolling on the floor. Again and again. And again. Helmet still on. Slingbag missing.

Sitting dazed. Screaming.

And screaming.

Won't someone come and help me?

Please.

Help me.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mr Durian came over today. He bought a book for me. How nice.

We spent the hour talking about religion, life, studies, more religion.

It was nice of him to drop by.

I'm so goddamned lonely.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm out of gauze swabs.

Didn't redress my wounds today.

Mom doesn't know what to get. CS busy. Ant's overseas.

Somebody please help me get the gauze swabs?

Weird Dreams


You know sometimes how dreams can affect you badly, perhaps leave a mark for the rest of your life?

Like horrible nightmares when we were kids. Kids are very much prone to nightmares.

What was your nightmare like? Monsters, running for your life, falling off high places and waking up right before you hit the ground?

I've had my share of those, and more. I remember clearly this one dream I had when I was 5 or 6. My mom, sis and me were involved in an accident, and somehow we returned as ghosts. Not the scary kind, but the stuck in limbo kind.

The rest of the extended family held a funeral for us near the forest (don't ask me why). And as a child watching too much TV I believed that the mahjong tables should always have one "open" side for the departed (i.e us). As we arrived at the funeral I made the leaves blowing in the wind effect (by actually throwing them around with my hands) and went to sit down at one of the mahjong tables. Being so young I obviously didn't know how to play, but in my dream I could.

Suddenly my grandma called out to me. She could see me. And suddenly the rest of the family could too. As I turned sobbing into her arms, I woke up.

Even today that dream is clear as day.

I used to be a sprinter for my schools, both primary and secondary. I have trophies all the way up to secondary 2 for sprinting. From secondary 2 onwards, the trophies gradually became awards for other stuff, like high jump and long distance running or cross country. Why?

During my secondary 2 period I kept having recurring dreams. Dreams of being chased, or there was a need to rush to somewhere. Horrible things keep happening when I ran. The feeling of floating comes first, then horrible things happened.

Once, when I was training on my sprinting during a training session of the atheletics club I joined as a CCA, the same floating sensation overcame me. I could not run. From then on I never did. I was shifted to long distance division and high jumping.

I still don't dare to sprint, even until now.

Ah Yang korkor has been gone for more than two years now, and yet I still dream of him occasionally. For example, last night. I don't remember much about it in detail except that someone's relative who passed away came back. He said he wasn't exactly dead, the doctor made a wrong diagnosis. He had woken up in the coffin and just opened it and walked right out. Then they hugged.

I woke up right after that still believing that the same had happened to Ah Yang korkor. I panicked and wanted to jump right out of bed to tell my Godmum about it, because the coffin is air-tight and he can't breathe. Then it hit me hard in the face, the fact that he's been embalmed, placed inside the coffin and cremated already. I'm too late.

I couldn't stop sobbing for a long time after I woke up.

I do miss him.

Sometimes..


...just sometimes.

I wish I'd never gotten up from the accident.

I wish the second impact had happened.

I wish that everything ended on that day.

... Sometimes.

Weird.


Did anyone else feel the Earth shake?

I felt my whole bed shaking and thought I was unbalanced because one of my leg was on the floor.

Then my wind chime made of shells started shaking too. The flowers Lazychoo bought me that was hanging near the shells started moving side to side.

What the hell?

Trust


Tell me what your defination of trust is. I've really lost direction.

Tell me. Please.

Because last night as I saw a familiar name that was supposed to be taboo, I felt nothing. Numb, actually. I've kind of already expected it somewhat.

I tried putting myself in your shoes to try to reason, but I can really find no more reasons to help you.

To put it simply, you can only push a girl so far until there is no point of return, no matter what you do.

You have no conscience.

Full coverage on the accident


This is like, way overdue. I owe you loyal readers and concerned friends an explaination.

You see I still can't sit upright for long because the nausea would set in. I've only been able to msn some of you. The rest of you who msn-ed me and got no reply, I was either redressing my bandages or the keyboard was out of reach.

Of those times that I did blog, it was well into the night in a fit of anger at having found out certain ugly things about certain ugly people. I guess with the anger came the rush of blood into my temples, pulsating while I typed, so I didn't notice the nausea much.

I know this is a puny excuse for not giving you guys a report sooner, so even though I am on the verge of vomiting now, I shall leave out no details.

Time and date was around 7pm at Lentor, on the way back from work on Tuesday 27 Feb.

I was happily rolling along, squeezing a bit of traffic, when this beige coloured old looking (either that or it's terribly dirty) car started following me very closely.

Not exactly tailgating, more like trying to make a direct collision with my tail fairing. In a bid to lose the car, I changed lane from the second to the first, which is on the right of the road.

Due to my nervousness, I kept looking into my rearview mirror at the car, which was changing lane together with me, that I didn't notice that there was a stationary citycab in front. By the time I saw it, it was too late.

I hit the brakes and tried to swerve, but the dirty/old beige car was overtaking me on the left, so I had nowhere to swerve. Next thing I heard was a BANG! and I flew off my bike.

I was skidding and rolling along on the floor when I noticed a car, still going behind me. I was already waiting for the second impact, but thank goodness that car stopped in time.

Everything in my mind was the exact same as when I had the accident in September. My mind was blank. Totally and blissfully blank. And although everything happened too fast, I still remember looking up in mid skid, seeing my bike lying down on it's right and skidding towards the signpost in super slow motion.

It's funny how people think of the strangest things during the strangest events. While still in mid skid (gawd, I must've skidded pretty darn far) voices flashed in my mind. Lazychoo was saying that thank god he had his Levi's on during that accident in September. Levi's jeans protected a lot of bikers during their accidents. When Lazychoo's voice died away, I remembered that earlier on in the day I was still thinking that I've finally found a pair of Levi's jeans that I like so much, as opposed to my dislike for their previous designs. Which then reminded me that I had my Levi's on, so I was thanking my lucky stars and expecting to see nothing more than small holes on my knee.

Next thing I remember was screaming my head off while people gathered around me. There was a silver Diversion with a malay couple, and the woman came to ask how I am. People talking in all directions, asking questions and talking to each other. The scene was so confusing that I screamed again (and probably scared the hell out of all of them).

I looked down. The right pant-leg from knee down of my Levi's was completely torn apart, held together with only a thin strip still connected to the jeans. Underneath the cloth, were scratches all down my right leg. I even pulled open a patch of flesh on my knee to dig out some road debris. Everything was numb. Well at least I could still hobble.

Mistake. I couldn't. I sat down at the side of the road and called for bikebulance to tow my bike away. Then I messaged Lazychoo and pretty much the rest of the group in Yishun that I am close to.

The driver of a Nissan car in front which my bike had scratched drove me to the clinic nearby, where CS was already waiting for me. Why didn't I go to a hospital? Because I am scared of rushing doctors and rude nurses.

Trust me, I've worked in a hospital before.

Anyhoo, CS helped me into the clinic where the nurse helped me clean up while I laughed and talked and asked questions. To take my mind off the accident, CS made me talk to him continuously. When I stopped to gasp for air, he hurried me to keep talking.

Anthony, Lazychoo and Roger and his girlfriend arrived not long after. While I asked the nurse for an ice-cream Anthony ran out to get me a coke. Lazychoo himself was in too much of a shock to keep me talking, so I had to concentrate on the pain.

Mom came not long after too, and chided me for still being able to laugh and joke after the accident. Look, me laughing doesn't mean I am happy. It means I am masking the pain so others won't feel it too.

After awhile, mom found Onn sitting outside. He was here to get an MC for not going to school that day. Onn came in and laughed at me for awhile before going back outside and letting the doctor finish bandaging me up.

I was given a 5 day MC, and painkillers to take home. Roger drove me home while CS, Anthony and Lazychoo took their rides respectively to my home, where we had a celebration by eating McDonald's and BBQ chicken in my sister's room.

Thanks to you guys who came to the rescue on such short notice. *hugs*

After they left, mom saw blood dripping from my bandages. As we scrambled to find where the blood was coming from, it leaked out everywhere. Lazychoo unwrapped the bandages and changed new gauzes and found out that the blood was coming from a deep puncture on my knee.

It wouldn't stop bleeding, well into the next night. And even now, when you take off the bandages, a little bit still leaks out. I guess I hit a big vessel or something. Ow.

The next few days were spent in agony where I hobbled around with crutches. Even the most simplest of things, like going to the toilet was a chore. Thank goodness for Lazychoo, who stood beside me all the way and on a few occasions, caught me in time to prevent me from falling.

Different people came and went. Onn came on the second day to deliver some gauze and helped Lazychoo redress my wounds. Stan and Shirl came to deliver a toy flower and medical advice. Vik, Andrew and Anthony came to laugh at me. Samuel came to help me do up my life and personal accident insurance. Obviously, Grandma and Grandpa on my paternal side came to deliver home-cooked porridge. Grandma on my maternal side came to deliver snacks and stuff. Godmum also came. Other people wanted to come but I turned them down. Don't really want people to see me in this state.

Seng, whom I visited in hospital a few weeks back wanted to come and deliver flowers, but was turned down on account that he himself had not fully recovered from his lung infection. Leeling jiejie was forbidden to come on account that she had just recovered from her high fever. Others were turned down simply because I needed my rest!

Sorry to you guys who wanted to come but couldn't. I know you guys are concerned. Sorry to those whom I couldn't reply to on msn. I owe all of you ice-cream.

Every night, the changing of the bandages was the most difficult thing to do. Thank goodness Lazychoo was there to help me. I had to take out the gauze and the ST dressing (a sort of a criss cross thingy to prevent the gauze from sticking to the wound, which isn't very effective anyway) slowly and torturously because of the skin sticking to the gauze through the ST dressing. Then we had to redress them, with Lazychoo applying an ointment called the Tetracyline, supposedly to clean up something, over the ST dressing, and after putting on a fresh set of gauze, bandage them.

This procedure sometimes take up to two hours, so usually before he arrives after work I'd start taking them out myself, so that when he reaches he doesn't have to wait with me for so long. Either that or he plays PS2 while I slowly take out the bandages. But there was never a day without my Lazychoo.

Mom and sis and people sent me all sorts of goodies. Candies and chocolates and chips and toys and even a basket of Brand's chicken essence. Most of the chocolates were polished off by Lazychoo, the great chocolate eater.

Bathing was a chore, but I learnt to do it with a chir. I never exactly appreciated the ability to take a shower, and how good it feels, but I do now. I'm actually dying to take a shower everyday because I still feel so dirty from the crash.

The memory of the accident is still fresh in my mind. Everytime my mind takes me on a spin back to the scene it scares me so much, as if I were at the actual scene at that time. I can't get the image of the cab out of my mind. I can't get that loud crash out of my ears. I can't stop fearing that the car behind me won't stop. I can't get the image of my beloved bike skidding away from me.











Scary.

So that's all for the report for now, I fear I've made this post too long.

In the end, I just want to thanks my mom, my sis and Lazychoo for being so supportive and helpful during this period of time.

I love you guys!

Way to go, Shit-Stirrer


Way to go, trying to get me into an argument with Lazychoo.

I've seen enough shit-stirrers like you, who drop words into their sentences that are sensitive enough to start wars.

I don't care that whatever all of you agree that I am. When I got together with Lazychoo I was already prepared to battle with the age notion, and I did. This "kid" word means nothing to what I've been through with him.

Uneducated, compared to you people who talk about schools all the time, yes. I do not have a higher level of study and/or IQ than you because I do not have the money to study yet. But however, I believe my EQ is much higher, and I know my ways about the street much better than you do.

At least my friends aren't all pissed off at me most of the time, wearing a mask in front of me and pretending that they like me. My friends like me for who I really am.

I know you have seen many girls in and out of his life. You've been friends for 15 years. From what I heard, you were also partially responsible for him losing his ex-girlfriend. However, that can be just another phase of his life. He's learned his lesson about listening to you. He is entering a new phase now.

With me.

Now you are trying to secretly communicate with him behind my back, asking him to call you when I am not around?

Sometimes it's better for me to be uneducated but upright, than to spend so much money, be educated yet sneak around like a common thief.

Stop bothering us and go live your own life, man.

To make things simple for you


Woah. Didn't expect to be ratted on so fast. Do you like, have absolutely no life?

The walking away notion came from this sms: "Very good. You just made me lost my best friend. Happy? You will never ever see him again. You fucking happy?"

Yes, I am fucking happy. Don't let me be this fucking happy for nothing.

Fuck all our previous arguments where I repeatedly tell you not to use vulgarities, especially on me. Turn on me and direct all your anger at me when he walked away from you, won't you? Did I declare that I do not want to talk to you anymore when it appeared that you did not take sides?

You don't have to understand me. You never did anyway.

Just to make things simple and clear: I am not giving him the chance to talk. Even after I can walk or even after I start riding again, there is absolutely NO CHANCE of a settlement.

I will not be fucked for nothing. You want to fuck me, you better make sure there is a reason to. The reason I see now is that I never see him again, and I hope you do so too.

To that guy: Get your hands off my boyfriend. This is our future now, and you have absolutely no part of it. You are just a phase in his life.

You cannot say I don't understand because I myself have given up most, if not all, my closest friends for him. I understand.

Just... go away and stop bothering us.

I find you despicable


This written at the peak of my annoyance after knowing that they're still contacting. Pardon the irritance.

Just the other day I found traces of them in contact, but Lazychoo erased the evidence. Probably talkig bad about me again. *ahem*backstabber*ahem*

The one who made him scold me when you left abruptly right after dragging him into the argument.

The one who left him, and then turned back and demanded his attention, as if he owed you something.

The one who caused so much trouble between us even though you already we were having a lot of problems already.

The one who don't have to see him everyday but decided that you obviously know what's best for him so much more than I do.

The one who is now dragging out old memories to lure him back.

The one who put all the blame on me.

The one who deems it my fault by my actions, never seeing that you're doing the exact same thing.


If you said you'd leave, and don't want to talk to him anymore, then why don't you? Stop looking back already, because Lazychoo and I are going to have a future together, you can stop hoping already.

I once told Lazy that I can have a talk with you, because of my love for him. That was quite some time ago. And you know what?

Lazychoo once told me in the middle of an argument that "Listen when you want to. Don't want to listen then just blast off. You expect me to wait for you to happy liao want to listen then come talk. No."

So following in his footsteps, you've officially missed your chance to talk.

And following in your footsteps, I never want to see you, ever again.


I know with this post I am going to anger Lazychoo again (frankly, I don't really care about angering anyone else) and he is going to be so pissed at me taking a potshot his friend-who-left-when-I-didn't again. But let me just reach out and ask you to stand in my shoes for once.

My boyfriend already does not have enough time for me. Am doing all I can to make the best out of whatever little time we have left. Now this other guy is vying for his time as well?

How would you feel?

Accident


My turn.

Not convenient to type much. Every action causes me pain.

The temporary loss of use of my entire right body has made me find out a lot of unused muscles on my left. So on top of the painful wounds on my right, I have painful muscles on my left. Argh.

5 days extendable MC! Woohoo~!

Thanks to all who came and helped out and then celebrated with in my sister's room that night. Credit where it's due, I owe all of you dinner.

Thanks to Lazychoo for tahan-ing my horrible temper these few days. I love you.

Let's pretend


Let's pretend to be happy.

Let's put on a mask in front of each other.

Let's pretend that we are so in love.

Let's pretend that nothing is wrong.

Let's pretend that we don't hurt.

Let's pretend we don't feel.

Let's pretend that we turn a blind eye.

Let's pretend to be happy.



I never thought I'd be saying this but..

I hate you.

....



Oh, but for a chance to run away!

Jaded yet still bleeding. Bleeding yet already numb. Numbed yet still hurting.

Perhaps we've all died too much inside. Bit by bit, little by little, we lose our life, from inside out.

Walls closing in. Pressing in, pressing in. Pushing me back into myself, back where no life is left.

Stop touching me.

....


Happy Chinese New Year, people.