A rider's risk


To all riders.

Please. Please be careful when you ride.

I just read through the blog of the sister of one of my friends, who's currently still undergoing therapy since an awful accident in November last year.

Hart's Angels

He's recently well enough to be transferred home from the hospital, and hopefully he'll be laughing and joking with us like he used to do. Soon.

However, Hans is still in coma. Hasn't woken up since.

So please, riders, do be careful.

Zodiacs


Bunch of bullshit.

What zodiacs and horoscopes do is to find some annoying knack of majority of the people and stick it in repeatedly in different zodiacs. People identify with these annoying knacks, so proclaim the horoscopes to be true.

The only reason I don't really mind them is because we have recently entered into the age of the Aquarius. Yours truly. You can start calling me "Your Majesty" and deliver chocolates to my abode from now on.

Anyway.

Are you a loner? Jealous and possessive? Loyal to friends? Dislike annoying people? Then you must be a kukubirdian. Kukubirdians are generally general people. They secretly harbour grudges against people who've hurt them, putting on a front of not caring. They can never have enough money. They like sex. Lots of it. And they have semi-messy houses.

Is this true? If you believe in horoscopes made up god-knows-how-long ago by people who are eating snake during work, you'd believe this. You're a kukubirdian.

Heh.

However, friend of mine, Azly Jacaz (make fun of his name and I'll kill you) recently posted up a contraversial zodiac reading on the friendster bulletin that highly amused me. In his reading (I think it was copied from a book written by a cynical author tired of life) the zodiacs are unabashedly in-your-face-you-lousy-person frank.

You don't really have to believe what it says, because frankly most of them are just generalized anyway and when compared to actual people I know, totally not true.

Just look for your signs, sit back, relax, and have a good laugh at your own expense. Sorry Librans, somehow he left Libra out of the list. Lucky you.


Aquarius
January 20-February 18

You are a chilly, detached, eccentric loner, with perverse voyeuristic habits and a shard of ice in your heart. You're aloof, arrogant, distant and offbeat. You are insulated in your own world and don't feel the consequences of your words or actions. You observe everyone else and never react spontaneously to any experience. Whatever you're doing, the inner you is busy making observations and taking notes. You don't do routine or reliable. You want to be needed but won't ever admit you need someone.

You are cranky and surly when it would be more productive to be charming and cooperative. You are cold and standoffish to your family, and kind and forgiving to your drinking buddies because they make you feel superior. You signal your contrariness by dressing in eccentric clothes to ensure that we all recognize your fascinating otherness.

You get out of doing all the dull stuff by acting too absentminded, intellectual and otherworldly. People believe you are irresistible and don't mind doing things for you. You pretend you have important work to do and can't be bothered. You are the king of one-liners and vicious sarcasm. You do not do violence or physical contact, preferring to set phasers on stun from an accurately computed distance. You always go for mind games instead of war games.

You come across as an icon of cool, too glamorously ironic to be contaminated by the despicable neediness of the rest of the zodiac. Every time you get near a spontaneous outburst, you activate the defensive shields, so you can look on untouched while others tear themselves apart. It's logical, but also sterile and emotionless. You have never had emotionally unprotected sex or been swept away by lust. This means you are always in control, which is good, but it also means you can get bored and fidgety. You are unlikely to have a long-term partner. You despise clingy dependents just as much as you loathe jealous control freaks.

In social settings, you seem to always be in the center commanding attention by talking about cool stuff you want everyone to think you know all about. People think you are friendly because you hang around with so many groups, but in reality, that is because you need a large enough statistical sample to make your data collection viable. You are bored by any individual's feelings and sometimes duck out of the party, not because you like your privacy but because you are taking a moment to write up your field notes on your observations. Weak people drain you, so you occasionally need to get away to recharge.

At work, you can figure out the operating system of any job in about 10 seconds. You're never on time, customize your uniform and hate being overseen. Bosses hate you because they know you could do their job in your sleep. Colleagues are awed by your insolent independence, but get upset when they come across the notebook listing all their quirks, catchphrases and secrets they told you in confidence because you seemed so nice and friendly.

Your home is a virtual reality, complete with books, papers, posters, computer peripherals, gadgets, experiments, chalkboard and a cat (cats love you.)



Pisces
February 19-March 20

Pisces is a slippery, manipulative, unreliable reality-dodger with delusions of adequacy and an addiction to sentimentality and self-destruction. You have candy-colored dreams in which you are the hero/heroine who saves the day, asking nothing but everlasting gratitude and unconditional love in return. You want to make it all better for the sad and inadequate. But, deep down, your vicarious wallowing gets in the way of what you think you want to do and who you want to help. If by chance you do manage to get anyone back on their feet and they start succeeding at life, you get insanely jealous and start pricking their self-esteem.

Your natural habitat is murky emotional depths, where you drift about vaguely, moaning about the intolerable pressure the world puts you under. Because you have the willpower of a marshmallow, whenever you feel cosmically hard done by, you climb into a bottle or book a vacation in Fantasia. You appear to be helpless and put upon, but you're not. You know the manipulative value of martyrdom and suicide threats.

Anyone who has to deal with you should always carry a tape recorder, for anything mutually agreed two minutes ago, you will deny utterly two minutes later. You set out on a sentence full of optimism and jollity; by the time you get to the end of the sentence, you are one with Eeyore and everyone else has lost the will to live. What you want now is never what you will want in one minute, or what you did want three minutes ago. You have no persistence of vision. You will occasionally have a red flash of ambition, but unfocused is more your style.

Pisces have no armor and can't risk a straightforward fight, so you rely onmanipulation and the tyranny of the weak instead.

In the bedroom, you love for someone to take charge. You want to be played with and used. You enjoy role playing. It's not for the sex (although you quite like sex and 90 seconds is plenty long enough for your attention span). You do it to stop being yourself and dissolve into someone else and to abase yourself and make someone else responsible for you. You are tooth-achingly sentimental. Lovers shrink before the collection of 2,000 cuddly toys in your bedroom and go red in the face at the thought of the pet names you give them. You always confuse sex with love and affection, (which is why Scorpio always fools you.)

If things are the least bit difficult in a relationship, if you feel pressured, or if a better offer comes by, you simply drift off. You never feel guilty because it's always someone else's fault.
Quantity is the only thing that will absorb all the neediness you pump out, and that will generate enough energy to replace all that you absorb, so you swim around with a huge school of acquaintances. Because you have a nano-attention span, and can't be bothered to do any work on existing relationships, you are always looking for a New Best Friend. You target the sick, ugly, outcast, or psychologically damaged because you think they will be grateful and fulfill some of your many needs. At the same time, you need a hero to feed off of, who will let you be a doormat so that you can get yourself off the boring hook of personal responsibility.

Brightsiders claim you're a romantic, but you're just a sentimental drifter. You float in and out of relationships without a second thought, pulled by the strongest current.

In work, you are typically labeled as creative, but that's just a fancy description for unemployable. You tend to drift at work. You may stare blankly at a wall for hours, waiting for inspiration, or close your eyes to awaitthe muse. Your lack of energy and coordination, and a pig-headed adolescent determination to buck the system, don't help. When you are not praised extravagantly for the work you have done, you feel hard done by, sulk, bitch, and go to the bar for the rest of the day or week. Yet you are ambitiousand want to get on, as long as it does not involve doing anything.



Aries
March 21-April 19

Aries is a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium and granite. You are all about "me-time" and don't really care how anyone goes about giving it to you. You're greedy, aggressive, argumentative, restless, willful, confrontational, headstrong and elf-obsessed. You are the zodiac's permanently enraged adolescent. You have a "problem with authority." You are not subtle. No one will ever find you sitting quietly brooding or pondering. You blunder through the world, looking for new frontiers to smash. Nobody tells an Aries what to do. You have never willingly finished anything in your life. You're just one big booster rocket, all fired up for blastoff, and falling away as soon as your boredom threshold is reached. Some of you can't even get to the end of a sentence before moving on.

Pathologically, addictively competitive, you have to come first in everything and you will do anything to win, as your concept of fair play means that you triumph. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around. You just open your mouth and blast away. Aries is typically a bloodlusty, violent braggart. You don't tolerate opposition or even a mild difference of opinion.

Sex is just another extreme sport as far as you are concerned. You don't like to waste time. Foreplay is for wimps. You are strictly a notches-on-the-bedpost kind of person. You always need to be told that you are the first and best lover you're partner's ever had. Your affairs burn with a gemlike flame for several days, during which time you are extravagantly possessive and jealous every time your prey steps out for a comfort break. Lust does not quench your competitive spirit. You have to do it harder, faster, longer and quicker than anybody else.

In love and relationships, once you get the prize, you wander off to find a new challenge. You have very few friends because people refuse to do everything you say, admire your every action and not criticize anything you do. You have to be in control at any social event, even when you're a guest. You insist on running your friends' and family's lives for them. Plus, you get ragingly jealous if any of your friends demonstrates the slightest ability to do anything better than you. If that occurs, you are forced to cut them loose and acquire new friends. You fall in love hard and often, but out of love just as frequently.

In work, you have to run the show. You think you know better than anyone else how to do the job. You are hired for your energy, direction and drive; however, you come in, shout with confidence, act aggressively, meanwhile alienating the workforce and tearing down old systems. You don't put in anything new in place, though. Brash, crass, and insensitive, you are a nightmare to work with because you never listen, are morbidly competitive, throw hissy fits and you can't stand being told what to do. If for some reason you do get fired, you go on a rampage of revenge.

At home, you are obsessed with gadgets and see no reason to tidy up. You are a junkyard transitional. You never knowingly finish a renovation job. The color that suits you best is red.



Taurus
April 20-May 20

A stubborn, sybaritic, rut-bound bully, fueled by dull resentment and an insatiable love of money. A taurus is a hidebound, reactionary Ubermaterialist, superglued into a rut several feet deep. You are obstinate and an opinionated authoritarian. What you really like is stuff: in your mouth, on your plate, in your bank, in your bed, in the bag. You stubbornly refuse to accept the folk wisdom that tells us we can't always get what we want. And when you've got stuff, you hold on to it with a grip that it would be laughable to describe as viselike. Possessive seems too weak a word. And the evil spawn of possessiveness is murderous jealousy and resentment. You are possessive, jealous and resentful of the people in your life too. You timetable their every hour and always want to know where they are.

Your pig-headed obstinancy, obdurate opinions, and refusal to change are a result of a lack of imagination. Your little bully brain can't compute more than two variables at once, so when faced with something complex or unusual, you go rigid and do what you have always done. Often that is nothing, so you tend to get buried alive by avalanches you refuse to notice. What softens your tough hide is your self-indulgent hedonism. Your favorite deadly sin is greed.

Taureans don't get much hassle; standing still, looking solid, usually does it for you. You can only be prodded into action if your food or money supply is threatened.

In bed, once you've learned how to make the earth move, you just keep on singing the same old song. It gives a whole new meaning to the word "rutting." Lovers have suffocated from boredom in your bed. You resent any attempt to bring a little novelty or spontaneity into the routine. Show you a Kama Sutra and you'd try to eat it. When you've got someone, you hang on to them. Even if your lover tries all 50 ways to leave, you still follow them around bellowing piteously. This is called stalking.

You usually stand alone. You have friends, but they are those whom you meet in the same place, the same time, on the same day of every month. Everybody always does what you want to do; you think this is because they agree with your choice. In fact they are being pragmatic; they just know your Olympic obduracy. In marriage, you make it very clear that it's going to be your way or nothing.

In work, you have always steered clear of anything marked vocation or social conscience, because the only thing you care about is the paycheck. This means you will do more or less anything, as long as you don't have to respond to emergencies or get too sweaty. Colleagues soon learn not to walk on your patch of carpet, never to rearrange the ornaments on your desk, and never ever to use your special mug. They also learn not to ask you for a decision unless they have a month hidden in the job schedule.

On vacations, you tend to go to the same places you've always went. You are addicted to guided tours.



Gemini
May 21-June 21

Gemini is an unreliable, rouguish sociopath with a light finger and the attention span of a hyperactive mayfly. You have a facade of sincerity; underneath that layer is a cold-eyed, cold-hearted, bad-mouthing, two-faced, reckless rumormonger who scavenges information to use to shaft someone later. There is no cunning so low you can't limbo under it; no scam so complex that you can't get your devious, slippery mind around it. Con artistry is a game to you. Yet in spite of all your conning and conniving, you are never satisfied with what you get, are you? To block out gloomy notions that you might be missing out on something better, you have to be entertained at all times, otherwise you might get bored. Ritalin is your friend.

You are in a permanent midlife crisis of your own making: a discontented self-obsessed commitment-phobe who refuses to grow up. You are irresponsible, inconsistent, impractical, immature and incorringible. You are the zodiac's bitch queen. You deliver lightning rapier zigzags with sparkling wit and style. You tend to prefer the long knife slid between the ribs to noisy confrontation in which you might get hurt. You move so fast that you leave enemies lashing out at your shadow.

As your gonads are wired to your head, not your heart, you love sex because it's a game you're really good at. You must never be bored in bed. A lot of your sex takes place in unusual places or situations. You always like a nice old-fashioned orgy, because when dullness rears its head, you just move right over. The best sex for you when pleasuring one lover while flirting with the next two over their shoulder. You blarney your way into the hearts of many and then move on. You don't dump though; you prefer to keep your options always open. Your relationships are about quantity not quality. You were born to network and can't live without a swarm of lovers. You are a professional flirt. Your idea of commitment is restricting yourself to three or four concurrent partners.

Your native instinct to deceive and dissemble means that you survive well in the workplace. You clamber up the ladder easily with your charm. Your weapons of choice are gossip and blackmail. You expend a lot of energy arranging things so that you can get maximum reward for minimum effort.



Cancer
June 22-July 22

Cancer is a grumpy, secretive, passive-aggressive grudge hoarder, with bipolar mood swings and a positive genius for pointless worrying. You are grumpy, moody, wingy, snappy, graceless, gloomy, grudge-encrusted, devious and fretful. You distrust life and have no faith in the future. To build immunity against fate's random cruelty, you look for homeopathic doses of gloom wherever you scuttle. You well up over anything lonely and hopeless. You love to whine about everything and everyone and are shamelessly addicted to other's misfortune.

You remember everything nasty anybody ever said about you. You never give away your own emotional secrets. People think you are shy and diffident and you work hard to promote that illusion, but in reality, you are afraid people might use your secrets against you. You don't do confrontation; sniping and preemptive defense are your preferred attack modes. Only a very lost cause or a slight to a family member's honor will get a Cancer to fight.

You can only really relate to someone if you feel needed. You can make lovers and friends feel permanently guilty without them ever knowing why. What you like best is attaching yourself to someone who has made it clear that they are unavailable long-term and then pining when they leave you. Crabs of all genders suffer from the Mistress Syndrome. You play hard to get with sex. Your lovers are blinded by lust so they keep trying to get through your impenetrable barrier. You know that deferred gratification is the key to keeping people hanging on. When you do finally let someone have their way with you, you lay in a frenzy of passion-slaying worry...will the bed creak? Will I still love you tomorrow? Have I put the cat out? You never give up on ex-lovers. You also never dump in a relationship. You make yourself even grumpier, moodier and more depressed than usual so that they want to leave you. Ex-lovers have to emigrate, marry someone else and die before you will accept that it is over.

Bosses like you because you work hard. You work harder and longer than anyone else because then you can feel hard done by and can bewail your sorry lot in life. You also like a job for which you are overqualified so that you can feel superior and tell everybody else what to do.

Your home is full of stuff. You keep everything. Clutter is your forte' You often share your home with the destitute, misfits and refugees, not because you particularly care for them, but because you simply don't notice them hanging around amidst all your stuff.



Leo
July 23-August 22

Leo is vain, arrogant, bossy, boastful and condescending with an all-pervasive addiction to unconditional sycophancy. All Leos are kings, yet inside your hollow crown, you know that you are an arrogant, intolerant, patronizing pompous, self-centered bully, a snob, and a drama queen. You are still stuck in your terrible twos and you can't really believe you're getting away with it. You live in fear that someone will find out you're not who you say you are and take away your crown. You absolutely have to be adored by everybody all the time. This lust for adoration is often your downfall because you are very easily flattered and believe every word. You fail to notice that while you are blissing out, others are usurping your powers. You can't hear the plotting behind the ones who are adoring you, so you can be very easily manipulated.

You expect the world to revolve around you and plunge into a sulk if it doesn't. You are never, ever wrong and you have people who have been trained to keep it looking that way. Your number one sin is pride. Leos do not fight. They have an army for that kind of thing. Right is always on your side, so any fights you get into are always unprovoked.

Leo sex is about performance and applause. To you, intimate passion is not necessarily just you and your partner. Mirrors and a satellite uplink are basic requirements. The bigger the audience, the better. You focus on style and posturing so much that you fail to notice your partner has gone to sleep. You would be better off with a harem. You don't do relationships well. You instead have a group of alliances or worshipers. You are a condescending snob. You ally yourself with people that make you look good. If people displease you, you drop them without an explanation. In any romance, you initiate the game. It is conducted at your command.

In work, you're the boss, or at least you have to appear to be. You don't work well unless you're in charge. You may appear to be a workaholic, but really you are only good at face time; you can be titanically lazy.



Virgo
August 23-September 22

Virgo is a peevish, hypercritical anal-retentive, with an obsession for sterile perfectionism and a pedantic fetish for detail. Virgos are famous for telling it like it is. You are just as laceratingly tough on yourself as you are on the rest of the world, only on the inside where no one sees it.

You are a negative, tiny-hearted fusspot obsessed with detail, who does nothing but carp and criticize. You secretly fear that you might be wrong, but won't admit it. You despise the weak. Your first impressions are cast in stone. You're a sucker for cults, faux gurus and food fads. You are a stickler for order and will not tolerate anything out of place, either at your own house or at another's.

In love you are either a high-maintenance tease or a bunny-boiler. Sex is by the book and overanalyzed afterwards. You never dump a lover. You always want to talk about it, to point out the faults of the other. No one can live up to your fusspot perfectionism, not even you.

You love work and are the perfect lackey. Bosses like you because you'll come in at a moment's notice. It's not the money, it's the status and respect you crave. And if you don't feel valued, you avenge yourself with spite, sarcasm, bitchery, backbiting, gossipmongering, petty politicking and snitching.



Scorpio
October 23 - November 21

Scorpio is an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for degradation. Scorpios are power-crazed, brooding, obsessional, ruthless, intense, sexy sadists. The Scorpio darkside is darker than the rest, almost out of the dark into a whole other dimension, a kind of soul-sucking meta-dark, where suddenly the words "evil" and "mastermind" seem inadequate. There is no sin, depravity, perversion, cruelty, degradation or villainy they wouldn't consider. You may never carry out your desires because you are a control supremo and find that it's sometimes even more exquisite and refined to deny yourself than to indulge. You are analytical and calculating. You have never been known to apologize for anything, since it would make you look weak; nor do you grant second chances. If people let you down, they're nonpersons and are completely shunned. If it wasn't for your self-destructive streak and obsession with sex, the rest of us would be in trouble because you will stop at nothing to get what you want. You can always be distracted by lust. Your deadly sin is your lust: lust for power, lust for money, lust for status, lust for revenge, lust for other bodies, lust for your own.

In sex, there is nothing you won't try. You love sex-lots of it, at any time, anywhere: straight, deviant, and downright weird, because you know that sex is power. Sex with you is intense, passionate and erotic. But, it's the sex you love, not the one you're with. Of course, while you are often almost blind with lust, you are always in control in any relationship, and sex is on your terms. You might want serial one night stands. You might want intense, constant, obsessional sex with a single lust-slave. You might even want to show how in control you are and give up sex altogether for a life of celibacy. Regardless, the choice is always yours, never the partner's.

You are well aware of the difference between love and sex (which is why you make really hot sex-workers and bonk-buddies), but you don't care if others aren't. The world is littered with Scorpio discards (usually Pisceans) who believed that a 12-hour lustfest meant it was time to start choosing drapes.

Most people are scared of you. They just do what you say. You are not a natural socializer. You have lots of acquaintances but only a few close friends, whom you have chosen because they are loyal and noncompetitive. You never forget and forgive. You can have a long-term relationship, but are jealous and possessive and always read secret diaries. You must be the dominant partner.

In work, you are a raging competitor. You do your job, keep your ears open and your eyes down, pick up all the contacts, techniques, and inside info you need, then go off and set up your own empire. Once you've trashed the opposition, you get bored and move on to something else. Your favorite color is black. Your home is often sparse of furnishings and extremely tidy.



Saggitarius
November 22-December 21

You are reckless, tactless and an obnoxious oaf with a morbid fear of restraint and an addiction to losing your shirt. You are brash, crass, loudmouthed and impetuous, but not stupid. You know that if you look remorseful enough, odds are you'll get away with any kind of naughtiness. You are a mindless hooligan and game for anything risky, violent and pointless. No one keeps you on a tight rein, or any rein at all. You crash your way through any barriers. You run from commitments. You tell it like it is without waiting to be asked. You can't keep secrets. You're not here to live only once; you live twice and then some. Whatever you do, you take it to the limit and push it over the edge. Gambling is your biggest vice. You love to fight, preferably within a large crowd. Sometimes you don't even care how or why it started as long as you're in the middle of it. You're a loose cannon.

Your sex life is rigorous, adventurous, energetic and enthusiastic. You love sex and exert so much overzealous passion that you often leave your partners spent and breathless. You want your partner to feel loved during sex so you make kind sentiments of love to them but rarely follow through with it after the sex is over. You want to have sexual adventures with as many people as possible. You can not be tethered. You don't do well with routine and boredom, so you bolt, usually in the middle of the night.

In social gatherings, you are the relentless life of the party. Careless and indiscriminate, you will relate to anybody, but not for long, just in case they try to tie you down. You have affairs because you can't resist adventures.

You're not lazy at work. You tend to get bored easily so typically run three or four jobs at once. If stuck in an office, you will play pranks out of boredom. You tend to be a risk to employers because of your hyperactivity. You often crash at a friend's house because you either don't have a home of your own or don't really care to go there. Home to you is wherever you throw your hat. You never stay anywhere for long.



Capricorn
December 22-January 19

You are a cold, cruel, petty minded slave driver with unsuspected yet unquenchable ambition and an addiction to tightfisted penny-pinching. You are mean, miserly, cold-hearted, self-opinionated, petty, negative, unforgiving and pessimistic. You seem ultra-respectable and old-at-heart on the outside while claiming to be insecure. You have the stamina and relentlessness to push people until they give in and follow your way. You hate to be teased, embarrassed or made to look undignified. You'd do absolutely anything to preserve your social status. You'd also prefer to keep your ruthless, pathological ambition under wraps.

The formal, conventional pinstripes and stiff manner are all a front to cover your mischievous lechery and anarchic goings-on. It's possible you make deals with the devil. You are extremely strong-willed, stern and stifling. You're like a machine. Your goal in life is to maintain order, propriety and respectability.

You avoid direct physical violence, preferring purges and show trials instead. You crack down hard on deviant thought, and action taken in defense of the status quo is always justified.

Your sex life is mundane and repetitive. Your typical sex session is just that...typical. It's rare for you to venture out beyond your boundaries and constraints. In fact you'd prefer to be doing other far more important things; however, every once in a while, the inner goat can be glimpsed. You have a notoriously unquenchable lust and randiness that you keep repressed. You don't dump in a relationship, unless you've been betrayed, in which your never-ending revenge is terrible. Most of the time, the object of your affection never knows they've caught your eye. You despise flirting and never say the L-word unless you have to.

You are not a party-goer. You don't waste time on having fun. You've given up on friends because they don't appreciate your help. You do understand the need for a social ladder. Since you crave status and respectability, you will cultivate useful acquaintances, even shady characters that shouldn't be trusted or liked. You approve of marriage because it is financially sensible. What's love got to do with it?

You impress your boss by arriving early and leaving late. Others in the office make fun of you, but you get back at them by trampling over them, using their ideas and making yourself look better to the people in charge. Your goal at work is power, not glory. You want to be the decision maker and executive so you can make the office miserable for the people who laughed at you. Your home is only open to business contacts. Friends are not invited and are only allowed inside if they are respectable looking.


*UPDATED 02/04/07 with the latest inclusion of Libra*

Libra
September 23-October 22

You are vain, shallow and petulant. You are a spendthrift with an unerring eye for style over substance and a lifelong dedication to the quest for an easy meal ticket. You are superficial and shrewd, made of vanity, fickleness, idleness, extremes, follies, whims and inconsistencies. Underneath your vacant smile, you are an antsy malcontent, restlessly searching for satiation. When stuff doesn't satisfy your need, you turn to people. You simply can't help using people and they fall over themselves to let you. Underneath the ditzy surface is a double entry bookkeeper. You have a column for favors out and one for favors in. The books are balanced daily and you are quick to collect debt from those who owe you. You're not the sweet, helpless little cupcake you want everyone to think you are. You love the feeling of power. You're the zodiac's drag queen, a masculine sign that outclasses its inner girlie when it comes to frocking up and what were once known as feminine wiles.


You can not make a decision. You play for time, gathering data, in the hopes that rather than having to make a decision or choice, you can end up with both options. Librans don't fight. They might rip up their Armani. The tend to stand back and hold the coats. You are never sure which side it is to your advantage to be on, so you always wait to see who's won.


In sex, you are easy and teasy. You flatter and flirt, fondle and kiss, and make boudoir eyes at your prey; but you don't do unbridled lust because that would make you sweaty and out of control. You do sex because it's better than working, not because you can't help yourself.


If you find yourself with someone not suitable, you simply make them over. You are always with the one you love, because the love of your life is you. You are your own soulmate. You are in love with the power of love and what it can get you. You do great with marriages of convenience.
Your style of work is one that doesn't actually involve working. Your work tools of choice are lethal charm, power flirting and high caliber manipulation. You often get other people to foot the bill.


---------------- And a note from the man himself,

Ok that's the end of it lest there's an undiscovered hybrid of new horoscopes.

Please note that I didn't write all these so don't credit me. The person that you should credit is a female earthling called Stella Hyde who written the book, "Darkside Zodiacs".
I think she's a scorpio by the way this was written.

K i'm out.
AJ

On MSN


"Some people really buey zi dong (inconsiderate). They know they are the main cause of problems in other people's relationship, and yet they won't leave the couple alone."

"Thick skin ma. Think highly of themselves ma."

"And after ruining the relationship and lives of others, he can happily pat his ass and walk away, not having to suffer the consequences the couple is going to face."

"He doesn't have to take responsibility mah. After all it's not his relationship what."

"I wonder how many other people's relationship is he going to ruin until he finally grows up and stop leeching onto other people's lives."

"You never know. Some people never grow up. Over the years they will become a parasite to society, a cockroach, invading homes and ruining lives."

*grins*

It's not even 10am in the morning


And I am here blogging already.

Why?

Because a car exploded today. *glee* An Opel to be exact. One of the technicians was working on it when it happened. Not a big explosion though, but just enough to fill the entire workshop with white smoke.

The temp girls thought the building was being fumigated.

All work was abandoned as all the technicians ran out from the smoke and ate snake (translation: took a break).

A sales agent from the other side of the building came in to disturb and gleefully said that we're taking anti-terrorism measures.

The building is still enveloped by smoke now. Will be back to update when it's over.

*Updated 11.23am*

Excitement's over. Back to the grind again!

Back at work and lovin' it!


Back during the days of my MC I was kind of dreading the day I went back to work. I thought of the huge pile of paperwork waiting for me, and the many irate customers who were chasing after me for their car accessories (since I am the one in charge of them).

Going to work would be a roller-coaster ride too, seeing as Lazychoo has to pillon me there. So on top of the aftershock of the accident, it's even scarier when we're both late, and Lazychoo has to squeeze through cars at a fast speed.

Now that I'm back to work, I still have a mountain of paperwork to do, irate customers and annoying sales agents chasing after me, new systems to implement, new projects to rush and deadlines to meet. But instead of dreading it, I'm in the thick of things, loving the action.

Sure, I may be stressed as hell, screaming at annoying sales agents, but at the end of a long day I feel a sense of satisfaction.


The world's worst private investigator who couldn't take a picture without me noticing and taking a picture of him back. Who also happens to be my supervisor.

However, because of the recent projects (and supervisors pretending to be private investigators) causing me so much stress, I've been a bit of a short fused firecracker recently. Annoy me even the teeniest bit and I'll flare up.

Like the other day when we were on our way to the nearby coffeeshop for our dinner. Lazychoo has this habit of asking the same question at least 3 times (within 5 minutes) even though I've already explained twice (within 5 minutes). He asked me the same question 3 times in a row and I snapped at him.

All it took was a hurt expression and "Why you so fierce?" to make me feel awfully bad.

Shit.

What's happening to me? I've become a bad-tempered monster. Argh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You.

He's not a poor thing.

1) He's the only one who is still married, and

2) Many, many people have said the same thing about me.

So don't use that example to cite me, mister.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ok, since the picture hiatus, I've -

- Been to see my bike.

I am awed by the majesty of my bike right now. I seriously wonder how in the world did I manage to make this possible:


My front left fairing. Notice the left signal light literally hanging by a thread.


My left gearshift lever, twisted in.


My beloved Dante's face, disfigured because I was careless.


Bit of scratches on my left side fairing.


Big-assed crack (no pun intended) down my right side fairing.


By standards this crack on the right of my tailpiece would already have me mortified. But along came...


...this. The whole piece came out. Nice. My birthday present from Lazychoo's missing too.

So overall damages were mostly on my fairings. My mechanic told me there was nothing with my engine or anything inside.

However, the most shiok part is this.



I had to rotate the picture for it to be at the right angle. You know some ah-bengs would kill for this pointing-at-the-sky exhaust endcan.

So on top of changing the entire set of fairings, I need to change the entire exhaust system too. This is going to set me back for like... maybe.. Paris? Yea, I definately won't be able to make it in time to Paris for my 21st birthday.

Dammit.


- Met up with a couple of people who have actually bypassed me in the world of dirty minds and bo liao actions


I admit, I have an extremely dirty mind. I frequently check out asses and comment on them, be it male or female. I can turn the most innocent of things into a hilarious uproar. But I think I don't need to say that, most of you already know that.

I met up with Mr Beanstalk and Mr Famous last Friday for a dinner and a short stroll.

Dinner was great, except for the part where I almost choked on my meat when Mr Famous and Mr Beanstalk displayed their annoying knack of having a dirtier mind than I have. Lucky for me, I was still more bo liao than them.

Our work of art for the night,



Created by Mr Famous and Ms Flower. Artfully touched up with chilli by Mr Beanstalk.



Taking a brave stab at being artistic but succeeded in making it look grosser than it already was.

The short stroll proposed by Mr Famous turned out to be a full blown walk from Yishun Central to the Yishun Dam. With my injured leg, nonetheless!

It was very tiring, but fun because I haven't met these two monkeys for quite awhile. Their lively jokes and hilarious antics brightened up my otherwise gloomy day.

We sat at the dam for awhile comparing scars (I know, it's a weird hobby). Because they wondered loudly what kind of weirdo brought along a digicam wherever she went, I forced them to take a picture with me.



The Tan Club: Mr Famous, Ms Flower and Mr Beanstalk.



- Found a car worth mentioning in my blog




A car with a big pink arrow-thru-heart design on the doors, and the words Just Married in pink lining the window and bodykit.

People behind me:
"Look at that car. Look so sissy."
"I wonder if the Just Married will apply when they've had this car for a few years."
"That guy not paiseh meh?"
"Maybe he bring his mistress out in this car leh?"

Nasty words from nasty people.

I thought it was lovely. What a romantic guy and lucky wife, whose husband doesn't mind dolling his car up in pink, people questioning his sexuality, enduring mockery from his friends and nasty words from nasty people just to make his wife happy.

That's right. You don't have to give a damn about how others see you, because they're not the ones that matter to you. She likes it, and that's all that matters.

Such a sweet guy.


- Grandmama's birthday dinner


Grandmama had a small birthday dinner at my mom's coffeeshop the other day.

While on the way out for the dinner, my sister Cudas tried out her brand spanking new camera that she was to use for underwater photos when she goes diving.

Here's one of her sample photos:


Coke is good for you!

She was still playing with her camera when we reached, so I took a picture of her playing with her camera. Notice the cheeky one at the bottom-right of the picture?



The after effect, Cudas with her expensive new camera.



The youngest member of the Lim family, courtesy of Cudas' newfound photography skills.



Her older sister playing with the blow up bubble thingy that we've all played with at some point of our lives.



To the right...



To the left...



Downright center...



..Ok, that wasn't so bad, compared to my aunt JenX, who kena our merciless picture taking through eating butter crabs.

Happy to comply..



Tired of it...



"Stop taking my picture la!" She looks like some superstar with all the flashing going on around her.



And the standard "If you post this I will kill you" photo.


So kill me.

So while Cudas was asking our Dad for photography tips,



They started with the group photos.



Somehow Cudas and I were left out. Probably because we were busy with other things.



There we are!

Grandmama firmly believes that she's ten.



So ends the birthday dinner for grandmama.


The Southpark Jazz.

So while we're still on the topic of Cudas, here's her blog -> http://barracudas.wordpress.com/
She's a deep thinker, a lot deeper than I am anyway, and she has this way with words that even I cannot have.

So, thus the question: Are you ready for her?

Stuck at work


I am now blogging from the warehouse section of my company, far far away from my own office.

Was supposed to be meeting a colleague here and going over to our HQ for a bo liao meeting with the "powers that be", but it's been postponed from 9.30am to 11.30am, and not postponed to 1.30pm.

I am so fed-up with waiting!

My warehouse colleagues are nice people. They're also very free people. I've been here all this while and they've been playing computer games all the way. What the......?

I want to work here! It's so near to Lazychoo's office too. Less than 5 minutes' walk away.

I'm soooooooo bored!

Just a thought


Work pile is getting bigger and bigger everyday. The political warfare is starting. I stare at my in-tray everyday and wish I can burn everything.

Stress ah!


The only way is not to scream.. not to scream.. not to scream..

The only way is...

You know when you've been hurt by a person so much that when you finally hear his heart cracking, you miraculously feel a trickle of warm blood from your already turned-to-stone heart.

Warm, gushing blood that fills your entire body with warmth.

I'm glad I feel like trash now. I'm glad that I feel this struggling throes within the bloody constriction of my chest. I'm glad to feel this pain, because I know that I must've truly loved before to feel this much pain.

At least when I am on my deathbed, I can tell myself that my life is not wasted. That I've dared to love and dared to hate, dared to take the risk and dared to take the fall.

That I've truly lived.

I am so MAD I want to strangle someone


ARGH!

I realized that most Scorpios are more or less the same


They have this same irritating trait that most men have of asking questions about the most logical things (only females will understand this one).

Scorpios, I realized, are possessive and jealous. Nearly all Scorpios I've met are, including one I was talking to last night who didn't seem like the stereotype of a Scorpio, but admitted to being both possessive and jealous.

Most of them are determined (stubborn). Most also have a very big ego that annoys the heck out of girls like me, but attracts the weaker ones. Some of them, like the one I was talking to last night, are completely opposites to what their horoscope says, but these are only a rare few.

Those were the stereotypes. The following is what I found out on my own.

They have this annoying knack of trying to be mysterious. Their words over sms-es are short and curt, straight to the point. This makes them terrible to have a conversation with.

Male Scorpios are also the only zodiac I've seen who are so obssessed with their own zodiac. I've met at least three of them who wants to put tattoos of a scorpion on their arms, shoulders, back, whatever, and one of them has already done it.

Scorpios are are among the highest in the rank of zodiacs who follow obediantly what their horoscopes say, so that even if it doesn't sound like them, they'll change themselves to suit the horoscope. Which goes to say stereotyping Scorpios is not entirely wrong, just keep in mind that there are a rare few who actually don't give a hoot about zodiacs and horoscopes.

I look around me


I look around me and I ask myself
Where am I?

The bed, the wardrobe, the bookcase, the vanity mirror, the computer table.
They're not mine.

They're the furniture he picked out for me.
They're the furniture Mom bought for me.
They're not mine.

I try to fill every nook and cranny with pieces of me
But it still doesn't feel as if I'm truly here.

I've been living on other people's taste,
Catering to other people's words like a hungry puppy,
Willing to roll over for treats.

I feel strange in the one place that is me: My bedroom.
I feel strange that the one place I find comfort, is not here with me.
I don't even know where he is or what he's doing.

I feel stupid for basing my comfort in such a delicate place.
I feel sold-out for slobbering like a puppy over his every word.
I feel like a used up piece of trash.

I feel so stupid for prioritizing him over my friends.
And now they left me.
And maybe so will he.

I look around me
And I sigh.

What have I done?

I scratched my eye this morning


And now I have to keep my eye bandaged up for at least 5 days.

Can't type much because I can't see much.

Anyway,

Yuffie: Thanks for standing up for me. Very much appreciated. *hugs*

Anonymous: I know you care about me. I know who you are. I'm only keeping quiet because I treasure our friendship, but please don't go overboard.

The other Anonymous: You seriously have too much time on your hands.

Anyway, just to clear the air, this is after all my blog. My blog is here for me to write down whatever I feel without restrictions. So whatever you've read is whatever I feel. I'm not here to seek sympathy because I don't know whoever is reading my blog. Wouldn't it to make more sense for me to whine to someone in person (preferably a besotted guy) instead if I want people take pity and be nice to me?

I have nowhere else to turn to except my blog. Either that or I have to keep everything all bottled up and in turn, explode. Please don't take this away from me as well.

Thank you.


*UPDATED 9.05pm*

Anon: You being a guy can never understand how girls feel and go through in relationships. If you haven't noticed, males are slightly more unfeeling than females, thus making most of them not understanding at all, which is why we girls make a big hoo-ha over an understanding guy.

Anyway, Yuffie is right. She put into words that I cannot: That I've come to a crossroad and I am confused as to where to go. So in the meantime, there's nowhere else to offload this excess of feelings, so I write them down in my blog.

I wrote them down not for you to judge, not for you to decide what I should and should not do. I wrote them down because they are my feelings, because friends who care about me can read them and understand why I feel the way I feel and ultimately, get to know me more than anyone else can through normal conversations where everebody hides behind a mask.

Some of you may not understand even though I could not be any more plainer with my words, those are the low IQ idiots who think they understand me, i.e the "no MAN can DIE" Mr anonymous. I seriously cannot find any words more plain in my previous post to contradict everything you say. And then there are those who think they understand me and think they know what's best for me.

Hello? I have a free will, right? I choose what I want or don't want, can or cannot do. Right now I just don't know what I want, but that doesn't give you the right to gain control over my life and tell me what's right and what's wrong.

I seriously don't feel the need to clarify myself on my own blog, but I don't like to see my friends being flamed for standing up for me. I do agree with what Yuffie says. If Mr Anonymous took it the wrong way, there's nothing we can do about it, right?

Anonymous, like I said, please don't go overboard.

I am more than spineless


I didn't stand up for myself. I caved in to my own desires.

I wanted so badly for things to be like they were. For us to be as loving as we were. But deep down inside, I know that if we're going the long way things have to change.

I'm not sure what we are right now contributes to our future, I'm not even sure if we're doing the right thing.

Feels like there's a stranger in my bed. Breathing steadily beside me.

Who is this person beside me?

Much as the accident scared the heck out of me, much as the anguish it brought me, I'm glad it happened. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. The accident, and Lazychoo leaving. It gave me the time to be alone. To think, and reflect.

Sure, the first week alone was the hardest. But now that the hardest part is over, I've more or less settled into being comfortable with being by myself.

To see truly who are the ones who stood by me. Who left me alone and who didn't. To discover who my true friends are. An unexpected person who dropped by to pass me a book. This black dude who dropped by to watch a VCD with me. People who bought medical supplies and snacks for me. People who just plain dropped by to say hi and chat.

In a sense, the accident might have made me a better person. I got back into contact with a few old friends and they opened up a world of possibilities. Being alone and independant during my hardest time, I learned how to rely on myself again.

Of course, the people who cared the most was my family. Mama, papa, sister, grandmamas and grandpapa, cousins, aunts and uncles. They really opened my eyes to see how important being family is.

But now...

My independance is being taken away from me again. I've finally learnt to enjoy being alone, and now I can't be. And there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I dare to do. Everything I do is always wrong. Everything I say is childish.

Now we're stuck in a kind of limbo. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. Do you know what you want?

Do you?

A part of me died at the accident that day. A part of me is still sitting dazed in the middle of the road somewhere in Lentor. Covering my face with bloody palms and screaming my lungs out.

Don't touch me, don't touch me. Somebody please help me. Please...

I've tried my best. Now I'm giving up and resigning to whatever that's coming. I've tried my best, so do your worst to me now.

I am a spineless jellyfish


And I suck.

Argh.

Fish


In the middle of a conversation, after I let on that I'm used to sleeping by myself already,

*Reaches out to touch my spine*
"... Wow Jasmine, finally you've grown some backbone!"

Fish you understand. Fish you.

I don't cry easily


"One last question."

"ya?"

"Do you need me?"

"No."

Ouch. That hit me like a brick to the face. OK, maybe I asked for it.

Suddenly my eyes were filled with tears.

He later salvaged things by turning things around.

""Need" is don't want and hate it so much but still must have.
I hate work so much and I wish not to go to work.
But still have to ... because I need to.
"Want" meaning. The door is open.
Take it or leave it. And I chose to take it. And the decision is what that matters. You Chose to Want me. Not need me no choice and take."

He is probably the only guy I know who can turn black into white. He should be a lawyer, but then again I guess I'm the only one naive enough to believe in him.

Sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*EDITED*

Actually you know what? I think I'll just scrape that and put this into plan. Heh.

Doc says


You don't need me. You never did needed me.


That I'm healing beautifully.

Whichever part looks beautiful, I wonder.

The swelling's gone down. Doctor says I can start to gently massage all along my leg to recirculate the blood. Now the only part that's in bandages is the deepest cut that needed stitches but someone was too chicken to get them.

I deeply thank Dr So and the pretty and sweet receptionists that have been more than kind and gracious to me.

Okay so here's my journey:

A few days after the accident.







All the parts that were hurt:










My right hip.

What I had to face every night.



The wounds, now.

It's an awfully sad thing


When in a relationship, instead of doing things for each other in the name of love you have to make rules and regulations and adhere strictly to them in case the other party doesn't adhere to your rules.

It's sad that we have to make rules, damn specific ones, to build our foundation, which over the past year and a half amounted to pretty much nothing.

It's pretty sad that in a relationship you have no trust, nor respect for each other anymore.

It's quite sad when in a relationship you have to force/be forced to like someone else.

It's damn sad that you drag a talk for over a week just so you can go to some stupid wedding banquet. Isn't it obvious what you're doing only when after the thing is over and you try picking up the pieces only then?

It's damn inhumane to leave either party alone when they're hurt and immobilized, for over a week without solving anything just so you can go to some stupid wedding banquet.

It's sad to see a relationship without love.

What kind of a relationship is this?

... Ours.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Yet another Victory


I can walk without my crutches!

Not a pretty sight though. I still can't bend my right ankle. I found out that I can put my weight on my right leg yesterday, with my ankle straight out.

I can lift off my left foot and place it at the side of my right, and keep moving my right foot forward.

I took my dog out for a walk last night, for the first time in two weeks. Although we didn't get far, it was a victory!

Once my ankle is healed, if there is anything left over from my bike repairs, I'm taking it to go do bo liao things. Yay~!

It's a sad thing


When a mother has to fulfil a promise made to her daughter by her daughter's boyfriend just to make her daughter happy.

Isn't it awfully sad?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Would you rather be with someone you can live with or with someone you can't live without?"

I know this quote has been around for a long time, but I just felt like quoting this now.

Maybe we both just haven't found the person that we can't live without.

No wait. You have. You can't live without your best friend, so I think you've already found one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picnic was great! I missed you guys.

Seng, Yong Chuan, Jiahe and kopi less sugar(newest addition).

Had fun. We should do this more often.

*UPDATED w/ photos 13-03-07*

A relatively artistic photo of Jiahe with kopi less sugar (or as he calls it officially, Cobi.)



Yong Chuan playing with kopi less sugar



Some kuku playing with my crutches.


Fun right?

I love Michael Bolton


When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby I am a man
When a man loves a woman

Bird food


Andy: "If my girlfriend was hurt and told me to go away and leave her alone, even if she chased me out with a broom I would not have left."

I haven't been able to take care of my birds properly these past two weeks.

I've ran out of bird food since god knows when. Been feeding them millet sprays and fruits.

As I tried calling people to help, nobody was able to. Either they had something else on, or they totally don't pick up.

I feel so helpless. I can't even take care of myself properly now, much less my pets. They depended on me and I let them down.

I, am going out on my crutches to buy bird food at Yishun Central.

If I can do this on my own, I can do anything on my own from now on. I don't need anybody to survive. I don't need you.


Hopefully I'll be back in time to meet up with Ah Seng. We're going to have a picnic.

Tired


Much as I'd like to let go, you've earned your chance.

However, tonight will not be forgotten.

And to think my grandma had thought that you'd be here and bought food for you.

Ah well, whatever, I'm not caring.

Victory!


I made two significant (to me) victories today.

One. I can almost stand on my right foot.

I kept pushing myself to ignore the pain and force stepped with my right foot. Slowly, of course. I can let it touch the ground, and with my gigantic ass against the wall, I can lift off my left foot!

One small step for me, one gigantic step for mankind! (Ok, I didn't know where that came from.)

I tried using the support of one crutch and walk, but I couldn't get my ankle to bend. And from two weeks of misuse, my walking muscles are gone cased. I took one step with my right. Put it on the floor. Lift off my left foot and... crumbled.

However, my progress is steady. I believe I can start walking within the next three days.

If you believe in yourself, anything is possible.

And two. I finally went out for the first time in two weeks.

To the Yishun Dam! Stan took me there on his Hayabusa, and I balanced the top of my crutches on his oil tank, carrying the body of the crutches against me.

Stanley and Shirley were there, so were Andy and Murphy and some dudes I'm not close with. After the rest went off for supper leaving Stan and Shirl and me, Andrew and his father came with their CBR and MT01.

Not much races to see today, just a couple of wannabes with P plates spewing smoke everywhere in their bid to see who could reach the next hump first.

I was there for five whole hours, and smoked more than all two weeks combined together. Shiok! Fresh air outside (maybe not so, we were facing some factories in Malaysia) really did me good.

Lazychoo came a short while after Tommy, and sent me home. Thanks for setting aside your pride to come and pick me up.

Anyway, YAY! I am still so psyched! And to think that I never actually was this excited about going just to the dam. I love you Yishun Dam!

It's Saturday night


Still stuck at home.I've exhausted all my cartoons. Twice.

Some people are fighting downstairs.

I feel so helpless. Can't even clear my own table without help.

Stan's offered his bike for transport to the dam, but I kind of figured that if I couldn't stand on my right leg, I sure as hell won't be able to pillon on a bike with it.

Anyone with a car. Please. Please. I want to go out.

I could take the alternative and take a cab to the dam, but it'll be really weird. Who the hell takes cabs to dams anyway?

Cripples, that's who.

I am a cripple. Oh god, I am a cripple.

Crazy people


In the middle of a serious conversation,

JS:
there is a man
and a fish
and this fish says to this man
"What would happen if all the men in this world became fish?"
You know what the answer is?


....there'd be MORE (fishes).

Nice. Very nice.

JS later salvaged himself by promising to be there for me when I start crying after this anger.

Thanks for being there for me, JS. ^-^

Life's gonna be hard from here on out


Myabe just a bit harder by myself.

But with hope, I believe I am strong enough!

Okay, that was just to cheer myself up, but it's working. Heh.

Gambatte!

It's Friday night


And I am stuck at home alone.

Oh god I feel so pathetic.

*sobs*

Helpless


I had an accident.

I am now in pain. I can't make my way to the toilet painlessly.

I am worried to death about work. I haven't been in to work for nearly two weeks.

I have to redress my wounds every night, and am worried about running out of supplies.

My birds are hungry. My dog missed her nightly walk last night.

My bike is now seriously damaged. I have to settle the damages soon.

I need to do something about the insurance. I don't know what.

I enrolled for my 2A before the accident, and have missed a lesson since then.

I am doing all of these alone.

My boyfriend stepped on me at my lowest point.

I need more MC by Monday.

I haven't gone out for a long time.

I can't get my right ankle straight. I can't stand on my right foot.

The yellowish liquid is coming out of the deepest puncture. I am worried that the doctor will have to scrub it again on Monday.

I sprained my other ankle.

I am so damn worried about.........

I.. am breaking down.

Please.. let me die.

Sometimes I just feel that..


... you don't love me at all.

You don't care about my feelings.

I try to understand how hard work has been for you.

Do you understand how hard this period of time is for me?

No, you don't.

There you go to sleep again, leaving me with nowhere to pour out my heart to, except my blog.

Then again....

Hello, Han. ^-^

Famous Amos


"Intrigue; desire; says:
accident
lose ability to walk
lost bf
lost faith
lost hope
wish i died in the accident"

"Bored says:
hey
one thing u wont lose , its my friendship ^^
hope that count"


Thank you, Amos. It means the world to me.

Picking up the pieces


...

You know what I found out today?


Stewie Griffin speaks with a slightly noticeable lisp. Most people would overlook it, him using babytalk with a distinct British accent and all.

Oh geez, I'm way too bored. Watching old episodes of Family Guy at home when I should be in the midst of the chaos we call work.

Flashback


We passed by Lentor on our way back just now.

In the car. A car cuts from the left. Another one. A bike cuts at the exact spot I had the accident.

Flashback. Cab coming nearer. The shiny yellow surface.

BANG!!!!!!

Can't get the sound out of my ears. It repeats, over and over and over again.

BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!!

Mocking me.

Rolling on the floor. Again and again. And again. Helmet still on. Slingbag missing.

Sitting dazed. Screaming.

And screaming.

Won't someone come and help me?

Please.

Help me.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mr Durian came over today. He bought a book for me. How nice.

We spent the hour talking about religion, life, studies, more religion.

It was nice of him to drop by.

I'm so goddamned lonely.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm out of gauze swabs.

Didn't redress my wounds today.

Mom doesn't know what to get. CS busy. Ant's overseas.

Somebody please help me get the gauze swabs?

Weird Dreams


You know sometimes how dreams can affect you badly, perhaps leave a mark for the rest of your life?

Like horrible nightmares when we were kids. Kids are very much prone to nightmares.

What was your nightmare like? Monsters, running for your life, falling off high places and waking up right before you hit the ground?

I've had my share of those, and more. I remember clearly this one dream I had when I was 5 or 6. My mom, sis and me were involved in an accident, and somehow we returned as ghosts. Not the scary kind, but the stuck in limbo kind.

The rest of the extended family held a funeral for us near the forest (don't ask me why). And as a child watching too much TV I believed that the mahjong tables should always have one "open" side for the departed (i.e us). As we arrived at the funeral I made the leaves blowing in the wind effect (by actually throwing them around with my hands) and went to sit down at one of the mahjong tables. Being so young I obviously didn't know how to play, but in my dream I could.

Suddenly my grandma called out to me. She could see me. And suddenly the rest of the family could too. As I turned sobbing into her arms, I woke up.

Even today that dream is clear as day.

I used to be a sprinter for my schools, both primary and secondary. I have trophies all the way up to secondary 2 for sprinting. From secondary 2 onwards, the trophies gradually became awards for other stuff, like high jump and long distance running or cross country. Why?

During my secondary 2 period I kept having recurring dreams. Dreams of being chased, or there was a need to rush to somewhere. Horrible things keep happening when I ran. The feeling of floating comes first, then horrible things happened.

Once, when I was training on my sprinting during a training session of the atheletics club I joined as a CCA, the same floating sensation overcame me. I could not run. From then on I never did. I was shifted to long distance division and high jumping.

I still don't dare to sprint, even until now.

Ah Yang korkor has been gone for more than two years now, and yet I still dream of him occasionally. For example, last night. I don't remember much about it in detail except that someone's relative who passed away came back. He said he wasn't exactly dead, the doctor made a wrong diagnosis. He had woken up in the coffin and just opened it and walked right out. Then they hugged.

I woke up right after that still believing that the same had happened to Ah Yang korkor. I panicked and wanted to jump right out of bed to tell my Godmum about it, because the coffin is air-tight and he can't breathe. Then it hit me hard in the face, the fact that he's been embalmed, placed inside the coffin and cremated already. I'm too late.

I couldn't stop sobbing for a long time after I woke up.

I do miss him.

Sometimes..


...just sometimes.

I wish I'd never gotten up from the accident.

I wish the second impact had happened.

I wish that everything ended on that day.

... Sometimes.

Weird.


Did anyone else feel the Earth shake?

I felt my whole bed shaking and thought I was unbalanced because one of my leg was on the floor.

Then my wind chime made of shells started shaking too. The flowers Lazychoo bought me that was hanging near the shells started moving side to side.

What the hell?

Trust


Tell me what your defination of trust is. I've really lost direction.

Tell me. Please.

Because last night as I saw a familiar name that was supposed to be taboo, I felt nothing. Numb, actually. I've kind of already expected it somewhat.

I tried putting myself in your shoes to try to reason, but I can really find no more reasons to help you.

To put it simply, you can only push a girl so far until there is no point of return, no matter what you do.

You have no conscience.

Full coverage on the accident


This is like, way overdue. I owe you loyal readers and concerned friends an explaination.

You see I still can't sit upright for long because the nausea would set in. I've only been able to msn some of you. The rest of you who msn-ed me and got no reply, I was either redressing my bandages or the keyboard was out of reach.

Of those times that I did blog, it was well into the night in a fit of anger at having found out certain ugly things about certain ugly people. I guess with the anger came the rush of blood into my temples, pulsating while I typed, so I didn't notice the nausea much.

I know this is a puny excuse for not giving you guys a report sooner, so even though I am on the verge of vomiting now, I shall leave out no details.

Time and date was around 7pm at Lentor, on the way back from work on Tuesday 27 Feb.

I was happily rolling along, squeezing a bit of traffic, when this beige coloured old looking (either that or it's terribly dirty) car started following me very closely.

Not exactly tailgating, more like trying to make a direct collision with my tail fairing. In a bid to lose the car, I changed lane from the second to the first, which is on the right of the road.

Due to my nervousness, I kept looking into my rearview mirror at the car, which was changing lane together with me, that I didn't notice that there was a stationary citycab in front. By the time I saw it, it was too late.

I hit the brakes and tried to swerve, but the dirty/old beige car was overtaking me on the left, so I had nowhere to swerve. Next thing I heard was a BANG! and I flew off my bike.

I was skidding and rolling along on the floor when I noticed a car, still going behind me. I was already waiting for the second impact, but thank goodness that car stopped in time.

Everything in my mind was the exact same as when I had the accident in September. My mind was blank. Totally and blissfully blank. And although everything happened too fast, I still remember looking up in mid skid, seeing my bike lying down on it's right and skidding towards the signpost in super slow motion.

It's funny how people think of the strangest things during the strangest events. While still in mid skid (gawd, I must've skidded pretty darn far) voices flashed in my mind. Lazychoo was saying that thank god he had his Levi's on during that accident in September. Levi's jeans protected a lot of bikers during their accidents. When Lazychoo's voice died away, I remembered that earlier on in the day I was still thinking that I've finally found a pair of Levi's jeans that I like so much, as opposed to my dislike for their previous designs. Which then reminded me that I had my Levi's on, so I was thanking my lucky stars and expecting to see nothing more than small holes on my knee.

Next thing I remember was screaming my head off while people gathered around me. There was a silver Diversion with a malay couple, and the woman came to ask how I am. People talking in all directions, asking questions and talking to each other. The scene was so confusing that I screamed again (and probably scared the hell out of all of them).

I looked down. The right pant-leg from knee down of my Levi's was completely torn apart, held together with only a thin strip still connected to the jeans. Underneath the cloth, were scratches all down my right leg. I even pulled open a patch of flesh on my knee to dig out some road debris. Everything was numb. Well at least I could still hobble.

Mistake. I couldn't. I sat down at the side of the road and called for bikebulance to tow my bike away. Then I messaged Lazychoo and pretty much the rest of the group in Yishun that I am close to.

The driver of a Nissan car in front which my bike had scratched drove me to the clinic nearby, where CS was already waiting for me. Why didn't I go to a hospital? Because I am scared of rushing doctors and rude nurses.

Trust me, I've worked in a hospital before.

Anyhoo, CS helped me into the clinic where the nurse helped me clean up while I laughed and talked and asked questions. To take my mind off the accident, CS made me talk to him continuously. When I stopped to gasp for air, he hurried me to keep talking.

Anthony, Lazychoo and Roger and his girlfriend arrived not long after. While I asked the nurse for an ice-cream Anthony ran out to get me a coke. Lazychoo himself was in too much of a shock to keep me talking, so I had to concentrate on the pain.

Mom came not long after too, and chided me for still being able to laugh and joke after the accident. Look, me laughing doesn't mean I am happy. It means I am masking the pain so others won't feel it too.

After awhile, mom found Onn sitting outside. He was here to get an MC for not going to school that day. Onn came in and laughed at me for awhile before going back outside and letting the doctor finish bandaging me up.

I was given a 5 day MC, and painkillers to take home. Roger drove me home while CS, Anthony and Lazychoo took their rides respectively to my home, where we had a celebration by eating McDonald's and BBQ chicken in my sister's room.

Thanks to you guys who came to the rescue on such short notice. *hugs*

After they left, mom saw blood dripping from my bandages. As we scrambled to find where the blood was coming from, it leaked out everywhere. Lazychoo unwrapped the bandages and changed new gauzes and found out that the blood was coming from a deep puncture on my knee.

It wouldn't stop bleeding, well into the next night. And even now, when you take off the bandages, a little bit still leaks out. I guess I hit a big vessel or something. Ow.

The next few days were spent in agony where I hobbled around with crutches. Even the most simplest of things, like going to the toilet was a chore. Thank goodness for Lazychoo, who stood beside me all the way and on a few occasions, caught me in time to prevent me from falling.

Different people came and went. Onn came on the second day to deliver some gauze and helped Lazychoo redress my wounds. Stan and Shirl came to deliver a toy flower and medical advice. Vik, Andrew and Anthony came to laugh at me. Samuel came to help me do up my life and personal accident insurance. Obviously, Grandma and Grandpa on my paternal side came to deliver home-cooked porridge. Grandma on my maternal side came to deliver snacks and stuff. Godmum also came. Other people wanted to come but I turned them down. Don't really want people to see me in this state.

Seng, whom I visited in hospital a few weeks back wanted to come and deliver flowers, but was turned down on account that he himself had not fully recovered from his lung infection. Leeling jiejie was forbidden to come on account that she had just recovered from her high fever. Others were turned down simply because I needed my rest!

Sorry to you guys who wanted to come but couldn't. I know you guys are concerned. Sorry to those whom I couldn't reply to on msn. I owe all of you ice-cream.

Every night, the changing of the bandages was the most difficult thing to do. Thank goodness Lazychoo was there to help me. I had to take out the gauze and the ST dressing (a sort of a criss cross thingy to prevent the gauze from sticking to the wound, which isn't very effective anyway) slowly and torturously because of the skin sticking to the gauze through the ST dressing. Then we had to redress them, with Lazychoo applying an ointment called the Tetracyline, supposedly to clean up something, over the ST dressing, and after putting on a fresh set of gauze, bandage them.

This procedure sometimes take up to two hours, so usually before he arrives after work I'd start taking them out myself, so that when he reaches he doesn't have to wait with me for so long. Either that or he plays PS2 while I slowly take out the bandages. But there was never a day without my Lazychoo.

Mom and sis and people sent me all sorts of goodies. Candies and chocolates and chips and toys and even a basket of Brand's chicken essence. Most of the chocolates were polished off by Lazychoo, the great chocolate eater.

Bathing was a chore, but I learnt to do it with a chir. I never exactly appreciated the ability to take a shower, and how good it feels, but I do now. I'm actually dying to take a shower everyday because I still feel so dirty from the crash.

The memory of the accident is still fresh in my mind. Everytime my mind takes me on a spin back to the scene it scares me so much, as if I were at the actual scene at that time. I can't get the image of the cab out of my mind. I can't get that loud crash out of my ears. I can't stop fearing that the car behind me won't stop. I can't get the image of my beloved bike skidding away from me.











Scary.

So that's all for the report for now, I fear I've made this post too long.

In the end, I just want to thanks my mom, my sis and Lazychoo for being so supportive and helpful during this period of time.

I love you guys!