I am more than spineless


I didn't stand up for myself. I caved in to my own desires.

I wanted so badly for things to be like they were. For us to be as loving as we were. But deep down inside, I know that if we're going the long way things have to change.

I'm not sure what we are right now contributes to our future, I'm not even sure if we're doing the right thing.

Feels like there's a stranger in my bed. Breathing steadily beside me.

Who is this person beside me?

Much as the accident scared the heck out of me, much as the anguish it brought me, I'm glad it happened. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. The accident, and Lazychoo leaving. It gave me the time to be alone. To think, and reflect.

Sure, the first week alone was the hardest. But now that the hardest part is over, I've more or less settled into being comfortable with being by myself.

To see truly who are the ones who stood by me. Who left me alone and who didn't. To discover who my true friends are. An unexpected person who dropped by to pass me a book. This black dude who dropped by to watch a VCD with me. People who bought medical supplies and snacks for me. People who just plain dropped by to say hi and chat.

In a sense, the accident might have made me a better person. I got back into contact with a few old friends and they opened up a world of possibilities. Being alone and independant during my hardest time, I learned how to rely on myself again.

Of course, the people who cared the most was my family. Mama, papa, sister, grandmamas and grandpapa, cousins, aunts and uncles. They really opened my eyes to see how important being family is.

But now...

My independance is being taken away from me again. I've finally learnt to enjoy being alone, and now I can't be. And there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I dare to do. Everything I do is always wrong. Everything I say is childish.

Now we're stuck in a kind of limbo. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. Do you know what you want?

Do you?

A part of me died at the accident that day. A part of me is still sitting dazed in the middle of the road somewhere in Lentor. Covering my face with bloody palms and screaming my lungs out.

Don't touch me, don't touch me. Somebody please help me. Please...

I've tried my best. Now I'm giving up and resigning to whatever that's coming. I've tried my best, so do your worst to me now.