Tuesday gloom


It's only Tuesday. 3 more days to the lonely weekend. Although it's not my weekend shift this week, this week is still unbearably long.

Spent last Saturday working, and then going out for Rochor beancurd and movies with the charismatic gentleman Dee W.

It's only 12pm now, and I'm checking my phone for the millionth time for any signs of any messages, from anyone. I'm rechecking, again and again, my e-mail, friendster, both WLNY accounts, for any messages or any form of contact at all. It's driving me crazy, this feeling inside. If kept under strict control, it won't explode into a bottomless well of confusion and complication.

Life's getting slightly the way I want it to be now, but somehow I'm not liking this feeling at all. I feel as if i'm wielding a knife that's dripping with the blood of the people I love and the people I don't. As if I'm wrenching their hearts one with my bare hands, to feel it pumping away on the palm of my hand while I squeezed it into oblivion.

What have I come to be? I've become such a horrible person. Then again, I was given no choice. Which person in their right mind would want to lead a life such as mine without striking out?

I'd like to be like you too. But I can't. I can't let go. I don't have a choice. I don't want to live the way you're living now. I don't want to put everything I have right now on the line in pursue of something else. I am not you.

Time to rethink? To reconsider? To assess my position in life, what to give up and what not to? Now's the worst time to do that. Because the thing I want to give up most right now is the thing I need the most.

Let's just wait it out and see where this goes.