Time-Line


His words ring in my ears.

FedEx and I had a three-hour-long conversation at Fresh Air Cove (read: dam) just now. Mostly about what he read in my previous post. A little gossip about XXX service center and XXX company and XXX people in that company. A lot about me and my choices.

He says that I myself know what I want. That somewhere deep inside of me, a decision has been made. I just don't know about it yet.

I searched deep in the murky depths of myself and I honestly couldn't find the answer. Five minutes ago I was all for yes. Five minutes later I'm sliding towards the big N-O. I'm hesitant, and I don't know which option I should choose because both option require action and effort (perhaps one more than the other), and I don't know if I should take upon myself the effort I know I have to make if I go for option yes, or should I just take the advice of the masses and accept that our character differences are too great, and that I should just simply give up.

"40 years down the road, will you still be able to take it? "

I can honestly answer you - no. If the situation is still as it is right now, both of us will hate the shit out of each other.

The question was reinforced when I went to buy supper for my sister. The stallholders were a couple in their mid-forties. They snapped at each other and not a decent word was passed between them during the 10 minutes I was standing there at the stall. It looked like they hated each other, but were chained to their responsibilities as a married couple, as parents, and as stallholders.

Do I want to become like them?

On the other hand, FedEx opened up yet another portal for me. He told me of how he placated his ex-girlfriend and how I could use it in the relationship. He also corrected my mindset on the me-acting-like-the-guy-placating-his-girlfriend thingy by saying that the relationship is more important than anger, more important than wanting face, that if you want things to work, you should go the "logical" way instead of the "anger" way. That there is no male and female in a relationship, but two human bodies with emotional capacities.

FedEx said a lot of things, bought me a can of drink, and said some more. He said that in relationships, we should have time for other people like family, relatives and friends and time alone, citing an example which I thought made perfect sense, though I didn't agree much to it. He said that I shouldn't run away from my problems by shunting it to the furthest corners of my mind (which is the exact opposite of what I'm doing, or I wouldn't have asked him out), that I shouldn't be sitting on it and waiting for things to happen. He also said that in life, everthing need a time-line.

"If you can't make up your mind now, give yourself a deadline by which to make a decision. "

Sidetrack: You give me so many ideas for improving the relationship and you slide towards no. Fish you la. How to make decision like that?

I'm giving myself a time-line. I have until the end of this week to make a decision, and stick by my decision no matter what.

But just to make things clear to the One:

I'm sorry for flaring up on Friday because you informed me 8 minutes before my class ends that arrangements have been made to meet up with people, without first consulting me, therefore giving me no choice at all to react. I'm sorry for not telling you why I'm tu-lan about the thing.

I'm sorry for forgetting that I even flared up on Saturday. Did I even flare up? Didn't we have a good time buying trinkets from MimiToons and watching Transformers?

I'm sorry I flared up over your repetitive questions. Initially I thought I could handle all your questions because I do ask repetitive questions about bikes too. I did make myself remain calm and patient every time you asked repetitive questions. But I guess 5 times of "Did Alan invite us to the chalet" within 2 hours was too much for me. Maybe I felt that you weren't taking my words seriously, because I've been feeling that you don't take me seriously because you thought I knew nothing about the ways of the world. I had a reason to do so, because there've been many a time when you've doubted me because you thought I was too young to understand.

I'm sorry for flaring up majorly on Sunday because I disliked the way you do things. If you didn't want to eat that half a bun, you could tell me that if you ate it you'd have no appetite for Fish&Co. You could have told me when we were at AMK hub, that you weren't hungry (yet), instead of putting on a front of telling me that you're fine with going when it's obvious that that's not something you'd want. Like doing something just to please me, but that's not what I want. You could've told me that because you ate half a bun before we went out that you weren't hungry anymore, instead of straight "Who ask you to make me eat the bun?" after my hesitance.

I'm sorry for not telling you all these before, and I hope you'd understand. I'm sorry for letting the communication between us lapse.

I hope you'd understand too, why the decision has become a major one, and that I need to decide for myself what it is that I want before any action can be taken. I'm sure you're thinking about it too, and I'm sure your mind is gradually being made up over time, but I can't help it.

I want to make a decision that I can be responsible about. I want to make a decision that I can promise to myself about, that I can fulfil.

I hope you understand.