Urgh! Finally I get to sign in!

Trust me, I have been itching to blog for these few days.

I have so many things to say, but all of a sudden, as I sit in front of my computer, everything clammed up. Where am I going to start with so much happening around me?

And as most of you know, I have a horrible memory and my capacity of blurness unparalleled. It a miracal I can remember so much to say now.

Well, firstly, I remember.. Job Hunting! Yea! I called up these restaurants I found in the papers, and asked every single one for an interview. And because I had agreed to help Y look for a job too, so I asked him along for the interview later that night. I think it was.. on the 23rd.

We were supposed to meet at my floor, but when he came up, he found something unexpected (ok, I kinda expected it). He found Baby loitering around on my floor. Y didn't want to have a confrontation so he turned and went down the stairs.

Baby gave chase. He found him on the second floor and they had a talk. I don't know how things went between them, but at least they were both civil. After Baby left, Y came up to the 6th floor's elevator lobby to find me.

We went down together.

Baby suddenly popped out from the next block and begged to talk to me. Y stood between us because he was afraid that Baby would do something funny. He begged and begged and tried to talk to me, but I ignored him.

I have wasted too much of my breath on this kid. I am too tired to even defend myself anymore. Let him accuse what he wants to accuse.

It dragged on and on, to the extent of Baby kneeling down in front of Y and begging me to give him a chance. I called one of my mother's many god-sons and everything eneded when he came and escorted us to the bus stop. He's soooooo fierce!

Digression: It's not that I have no heart to ignore Baby kneeling down. It's just that it's been turned to stone by his many, many actions. I can't take it anymore. And, to be accused like that, before and after the relationship, is really not a nice feeling. Even if I did have something on with someone else now, it is no longer his problem.

Back to the topic. Where were we? Oh yes.

We went all the way to ********* and interviewed at one of the many pubs there. WE GOT THE JOB! WoohoO! Y's starting his waitering on July 1st, and I'm starting as a GRO (general relations officer) on Monday.

Name and location of pub undisclosed to prevent stalkers. Hit me a message if you want to know where it is.

The lady interviewing us, Ms Koh, was so pretty and nice! And she said I was pretty! *slobbery kisses all over her*

Okay I've gone mad, playing liquidgeneration.com games while writing this.

Need... inspiration!

After our successful interview, we walked all the way over to the esplanade to enjoy a (un)romantic chat. We horsed around until a police car passed by, by then which he was threatening to throw me into the water. He's really quite a nice guy except for his words sometimes. They hurt.

But, it WAS a magical night. It was a twinkling, sparkly night with fireworks exploding in my head. That feeling.. I've felt once before, and no more. It's gone.

Time to come clean! Yes, I molested him. His pockets I mean. He keeps our cigarettes in his pocket and tells me to beg whenever I want a stick. I am not one for begging, so it's time to use violence! I'm surprised I haven't torn a hole in his pocket yet.

We decided to leave around 11.30pm. Okay, HE decided that it was time for us to leave because we were missing the last train.

ARGH! My hand hurts. I tried to burn off a piece of loose plastic something on my dress today and that burning plastic fell on my hand.



Now that tiny patch of skin is COOKED. Yuck.

Back again to the topic..

We walked around some more, getting lost on our search for the mrt station. When we finally reached the end of city link, we were just in time to catch up with the last train. Thanks to me and my persistance! Haha!

Well. Went to IMM and Bugis with Y yesterday too. He left his friends in the lurch for me! Aaww~! They had already booked tickets for a midnight show at Bugis but there wasn't any for me because he asked me out at the last minute. So if there wasn't any for me.. I should've gone home then.

But he made a decision and soon after we were walking to PS for a show. Our show. Horror Train.

Well, I could tell you that it's not scary at all, except that once I curled up in shock. It was the shock factor, mainly, but there's... no wait. There is a part where I almost screamed. The part where the guy was photographing the empty carriage and suddenly this crazy upside down woman pops out.

After that, we walked all the way to somerset to take the NR1 back home. Imagine walking around all day in heels! Woah!

Well, there must be something wrong with me because I puke this morning. Something's wrong with my tummy, and I'm suspecting it to be stomach flu. What exactly is stomach flu anyway?

Well, as for today, we went to causeway point because I had to pick up a box of cigarettes a friend of mine brought in from M'sia. We walked around aimlessly and then headed off for Bishan.

I don't know why, but I can't shop with my guy friends. Unless there is a specific thing that I want to buy, or I won't feel like shopping. It feels funny to have someone squirming away beside you when you're picking out clothes or something.

Over at J8, I practically drooled for at least half an hour. Firstly, it was because of the Shihlin crispy chicken I bought. And secondly, there were HUNKS WALKING AROUND TOPLESS. On stage of course. They were having a something something face contest. The girls weren't that great, but the guys.. woah.

I'm not saying that every single one is cute, but most of them are at least cuter than most of the guys you see wandering around on the streets. There was this guy in green with an awfully cute smile, who later went on to emerge as the winner. Then there was this guy who didn't smile, and he looked incredibly like Donnie Yen!

Speaking of Donnie Yen, I went messing around online for his picture today. I found out that he just got married! Argh! And that's not the worst part. The worst thing is, he's got a daughter named Jasmine! Double argh!

Sigh. Why are all the great men married?

Okay, I know today's post is kinda boring and sounding like one of those bimbotic "today I went where-and-where and did so-and-so. end of story" type, but how could I elaborate more? I had to consolidate three days into one post because the blogger login wasn't working the previous two days. Darn.

And I'm playing games on liquidgeneration.com. Dumb, really. I should be playing stuff like photo hunt but I did that all through yesterday and the day before.

(Even) More pictures of Cash!



Camoufledged



Preening its left armpit



And the right



And now the.............



So paiseh!

Pictures. Too fed-up to say anything now. Enjoy.

I'm sinking...

I'm sinking into the deepest, darkest abyss where I can find no sunlight. Where the days are a sullen gray and the nights are dull black. Where, no matter where I turn, I can find no exit.

Why is this happening to me?

I shouldn't let all these affect me so much. I know I shouldn't. But what control do I have over my heart? What control do I have over how I feel? How do I make all these go away?

Wenyi advised me not to let this affect me at all, because I have all the advantages of being a girl. But everytime I get his message, everytime I see him stalking and loitering around downstairs, everytime I get stupid gifts from him, I feel the hate increasing. And as long as that hate increases, that bad feeling comes again.

I wish I knew where all these sorrow come from. I wish I could drown them in something, anything. I wish the world would stop spinning and time would just stand still as I hollar silent tears until my throat rips and my heart breaks.

I try to put on an attitude that shows that I don't care to the world, but deep inside, I do. I try to smile and laugh and joke as normal, but deep inside I'm cracking, jagged edges and lines running amok.

I can't control my emotions. I'm only human.

I can't hollar.
I can't pound on the wall.
I can't scream and shout.
I can't cry anymore.

It doesn't matter. Nothing ever matters anymore.

So much for letting off some steam. Time to put on my mask and face the world again.

What a contradicting world.

After his attitude towards me last night ("bitch! u unfaithful bitch!"), he kept messaging me throughout.

He called me this afternoon telling me how bad he felt and how in pain he was. He tried to explain about why he said what he said last night.

He said that it was to salvage his pride and make him feel better. At the same time, he still loves me and blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

Well, if he really loved me, he'd want for me to be happy, right? If he really loved me, he wouldn't have made me so miserable for so long. He wouldn't have yelled at me and said those hurting words last night. He wouldn't have did all those things thinking that he'd get me back.

He wouldn't have gone to the extent of making me hate him.

There can never be a chance between me and him.

Cash is coming home tomorrow night with my family's acceptance.

Woot~

Haven't felt so relaxed in the longest time.

Good news for those who worry about me! We've truly broken up. He's accepted the breakup on the base that I am unfaithful and a bitch and so its not worth being with me.

Whatever. My conscious is clear.

Went to cheeky's last night. Darn, that place is really dark. There were even a few indian songs in between! The night was ruined by Baby, as usual, who was not happy that I kept messaging people. I regret bringing him to spoil my night out.

He got Cash for me today. He put a down payment of $400 for it. It ended up being trashed by my mother, who in turn trashed me when I tried to stop her.

I'm ok.

After having this really long talk with her, we each returned to our rooms. And I got called out by Melvin on behalf of Baby to discuss what should be done with Cash.

The talk was supposed to be purely based on the well-being of Cash, but somehow it evolved into a dissection of our relationship and Melvin too got tired of repeating the same thing to him, again and again without him understanding anything.

Was running late for a few drinks with Y at the Yishun dam. We had drinks, chatted again about everything and nothing at all. It's just nice to have someone on the same wavelength whom you could talk to about everything, and be actually interested in what I had to say.

After getting high and tipsy(he wasn't walking straight), we decided to walk our way back. At the T-junction, Y said that he wanted to walk straight through the other way, and so we did. Like I said, he wasn't walking straight, and so he was holding on to me for balance (or something) and that's when the problems started.

Unknowingly, Baby was stalking us ever since we were at the dam. He saw us drinking and all that. He was behind us all the way when we were walking back. When he saw Y's arm around me he couldn't take it. If I hadn't stood blocking his way and pushing him back he would've hit Y.

I know that Y can take it but what I was afraid of was that Y would hit back. He called the police when he saw Baby coming. If he hit back, he'd be in the wrong too, right?

Plus, I don't want to see guys fighting over me. I am not worth it.

The police came and took down statements and stuff. Melvin came soon afterwards in his HUGE, OBIANG van (I couldn't resist it) and we left the two policemen with Baby. He drove us all the way back to our block and we sat there chatting until Baby came.

Not long after he sat down, Wenyi came. Some sort of stone dropped form my heart when I saw him, because I know that everything's gonna be alright with him here.

Anyway, Baby started hurling accusations against me and everything. I tried to clarify with him but he just wouldn't listen. He ended up blaming me for jeapordizing the relationship and calling me an unfaithful bitch. Whatever.

My conscious is clear. I didn't do anything unfaithful to him.

He even went so far as to threaten me. "don't ever let me see you at 346 again. i won't treat you as a girl anymore." Meaning: he's gonna get back at me in anyway he can, even to the extent of hurting me during basketball.

He demanded that I take Cash back home and that I pay him the $400 he put down for Cash within two weeks. Okay, I understand that. He subsequently bombarded my phone with "bitch! u unfaithful bitch! fucker!"

Then, after we got Cash to Melvin's and I got home after a little chat with Y outside at the stairwell, he sent me yet another message stating that he changed his mind. He's demanding that I return him the money in one week's time, along with the $100 he gave me for shopping.

It was on purpose. He knew that I only get my paycheck in July, and that I couldn't possibly get any money till then.

What a wimp (again).

And to think that I wanted to remain as friends with him. What could one do when love turns to hate? When one is pushed against the wall and has no other way out (of this relationship)?

And if you're one of the unbelievers, I can only tell you. My conscious is clear.

I had a talk with Baby last night. I didn't want to, but because I was at 346 and everybody knew what happened, Huiyi advised me to have a face to face talk with him.

I was like, ok, but I wanted to have Danny with me. Danny is someone with whom I feel really comfortable with, like a brother or something, and if he were there I'd feel more comfortable speaking up for myself.

After lights out we sat at the void deck to have our "little" talk. Baby across the table, Wenyi and Huiyi on either side (Danny had something on). Wenyi flipped a coin and Baby was the first to talk.

I knew that this wouldn't result in anything but Huiyi said that it was to give Baby a chance to let off steam. I guess it didn't work well, because when it was open argument we bickered about the smallest most unimportant things. The argument was controlled later by Wenyi when he felt that we were repeatedly going around in circles.

Well. I couldn't remember much of it but that I have the right to reject whatever they give me. I have the right to reject going out with Baby, to reject even being with him.

John came later on when Huiyi left, and accidently gave the suggestion of a one week grace period. I don't know what the point is, but somehow they said it would help let his heart die.

Anyway.

Pictures! Firstly, a really wet bird after his bath!



A really weird coloured moth(I had to climb up high to take this picture).



Sweet little Cash! Finally







Hurhurhur~! Hold on though. Might be reconsidering getting Cash. Will be updating why later.

And *drumroll* what I got today!



An apology present.

Now, how do you transfer picture from your un-userfriendly T630 to your computer? I don't have the ericsson cable.

Anyone willing to lend?

No?

Well then, no pictures of Cash for you!

Baby's been bombarding me with smses, begging and begging, repeating and rephrasing the same thing, wanting me to go back to him and promising to change, promising this and that. But you know what? I'm not gonna.

I'm not gonna trust him anymore. After what he said to me?

Examples of what he said when he lost control (and that was very often):

"wad are you trying to do? dont ever let me see him again.. he wont escape so easily next time"

"dont ever let me see him again.. i will make sure dat his mum oso dont recognize him"

"i'm not going to drop the matter if you still calling for a break up! i bloody hate this guy now. until u drop the subject i'm not going to let him go"

"i'm not going to break up with you no matter how much it cost"

"if u wan to break up with me i deem is because of this guy! he caused it! so i wont! and no matter wad he will have to pay if i sees him again"

"do u know that your bf is waiting for you when u r with this guy? dinner? wad u trying to do! telling u i'm i damn bloody hate this guy! he better stay away from u!"

"let me tell u.. we are still together i dont care"

"and i see this guy once i beat him once"

"de more u ignore me de more i will pester u!"

"yr fren? fuck you! u caused all this thing! unfaithful. i'm not going to give a fuck!"

"i telling u if u dare to mention abt this guy again.. u better be careful oso.. i will sure beat him up if the matter dont rest"

"ya trying to protect him now!? who is he to u fucker!! tell u i will make things even worse if u dont let de matter rest"


Well. After these sweet messages, he'd always go "I really love you. pls give me a chance to really treasure and protect this relationship one last time" blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, haven't we heard this about a few thousand times already?

He's psychotic. And it isn't only me who is using that word on him.

A lot of my friends couldn't believe it because he looked so normal and nice on the outside. But as I said, a guy's character and attitude in a relationship will ultimately differ from when he is with friends. I can see why Joanna rejected him. Lucky her.

Pulling the focus back to me..

Had a late night meetup with Y again last night under our block. He's cute, but sometimes his words are a tad hurtful. Our chat ended when my mother came back and dragged me home.

Melvin wants a lovebird just like Mika! I tried calling Song bird shop in Bedok where I got my Mika but they're not picking up. I don't really feel like going unless I know for sure if they have just weaned lovies in stock. Oh sure, he could drive me in his HUGE, OBIANG van but I don't want to give him the disappointment of driving all the way there in anticipation and then finding nothing.

Yurgh~! *yodels*

You know, I could've joined the superstar show on channel 8. But nah~! I'll probably be too shy to sing. I'm too shy even to sing at ktvs! Cher, my ex manager, brought me to ktvs a few times. Guess who's the one sitting in a corner without singing and drinking all throughout?

Well, not wanting to make this post too long or sound too boring, I'll stop here. Be back again with something else to bore your pants off.

Yeah~! New counter up! Everything starts from zero.

Visit me here more often, ya?

Pictures of Cash here soon (er or later).

Hur, hur, hur~ I got the AG!

No, actually I haven't got it (yet). I just put down a deposit for it. Now it's MINE! Muahahaha~!~! It's still at the bird shop, but it's MINE!

It isn't that whiter AG I blogged about, but a darker one which is just as sweet! I named it Cash (don't ask why, it just came for no reason) and have been repeating the word hello to it for some time.

It's just too sweet for words! Wonder if it's a male or a female.

Went out with Y for dinner, coffee and a chat two nights ago. I had such a wonderful time with him. It reminds me of the times I would go out with Amos to the coffeeshop and chat for hours on end, us really good friends. It ended when Amos fell in love with me.

I like the feeling of being treated as a friend and not just a girl. To tell you the truth, the grass by the Yishun pond was one of my favorite spots a few years ago. I've haven't been there in years. I usually just go to the Yishun dam alone when I'm having problems.

Here's where the sweetness ends.

Baby made a great big fuss about it because I had told him initially that I was going for dinner with Y. He took it as really 'just' dinner and bombarded me with messages throughout. Then he came searching for me at Northpoint and I told him that I was going to have coffee with Y. He stormed off in a huff.

After coffee, we went walking around the quiet stretches of closed shops and chatted. Okay, we smoked too.

Digression: My new smoking khaki~! Haven't had a smoking khaki since Amos quit smoking. Jack's busy with NS, and Yongkang's moved too far. Y's a social smoker too.

Back to the topic now. After walking around aimlessly we decided to go sit down by the pond and have a chat there. The waters were still, and the night was quiet, only punctuated by the sound of engines from the road opposite. We talked about everything and nothing at all. The time went by unnoticed.

I got a few calls during our time at the pond, and as most of my friends know about my strict regulations with my phone, particularly the one where I hate picking up the phone when I'm out with someone else, I turned it off.

When we finally got up and started making our way home, I turn my phone on again. Lots of messages, from Baby getting angry and threatening to beat Y up, to mummy telling me that Baby's called her AND my godmother looking for me.

First of all, I was angered because as I have told him countless of times, I have my own life too. I have my own friends, and I want to go out with them as regularly as I want to. But because of him, I have not gone out with other friends for half a year.

Secondly, most of my friends are guys. The only female friends I have are either from forums or are my relatives. And I do not relate well to females. Baby knows this even before we got together. Knowing this, he should have accepted me as I am and not try to take my friends away from me.

Thirdly, I feel that I have had completely NO personal space and privacy because he expects me to report every single little thing I did and starts fuming if I did not. The only time I get my space if when I start fuming and threaten to break up with him.

Now I have truly decided. I want a break up with him.

In previous times I would relent for the sake of peace, to stop him stalking me and my friends. This time, I've learnt. I've made a police report about him stalking me and threatening my friends. I've gotten the help of W, both Baby's and my friend, and it is W who will be driving me to submit the report to court should Baby continue to stalk me.

Baby's begging and crying, saying that he know that he's too emotional and too possessive, but that he's not a psycho. Yea, tell me that he's not psycho.

Never will I go back to him again.

This relationship is gone. Too far gone.

Empty promises of a bright future.

Empty promises of changes.

Emptry promises of trust and love.

There's nothing left to hold on to.

So why do you still hold on?

GAH! I forgot all that I wanted to post yesterday. So remember, boys and girls, DON'T procrastinate.

The bird shop was closed early yesterday, so we didn't get to see that sweet AG we found yesterday.

About the AG. It's still learning how to balance. It can walk around on its perch ok, but when I try to walk around with it on my arm, it fell and (surprisingly) cried. Aawww~~~

Oh yea, ahem. Unable to post pictures of Leeling jiejie trying on her wedding gown because the file format disallows me to edit/post it.

My little map turtle is dead. My big red-eared slider munched and mutilated it. Darn.

Baby promises to get me a mini maltese in three month's time. Which in the meantime means, we can't get that AG yet. Because AGs can only adapt to new owners and new pets within the first few months of its life. After that, it will turn aggressive toward other new pets.

My mind knows the logic of this, and the responsibility. But my heart is still with that sweet AG now. What's funnier is that I've volunteered myself to foster some mongrels that Guiness (from MOP) found. Actually I've only just pm-ed him.

Whatever comes, comes.

Sudden urge to smoke again. Must... fight... this.. urge!

ARGH! ARGH FUCKING GOD DAMNED IT!

I had a post all ready to post, but I accidently pressed on back space and poof! Everything's gone. *sobz* It was such a nice long post~

No use crying over spilt milk now. I'll try to rewrite everything I can remember.

Erm.. okie.. so here goes..

Wait, wait wait, wait! Receiving wedding dress pics from Leeling jiejie now on msn, kinda busy now, will be back to update post later!

Sorry guys!

ENOUGH! Enough of the god damned war. It's getting boring. I don't even feel like going to MOP nowadays because of the the guns everybody's set up, ready to fire.

Went to the bird shop at 931 yesterday. There was this sweet, sweet AG who was really, really sweet! It's so sweet! Have I told you before that it's sweet?

Hah, ok.

So it has a whiter face than normal AGs. So what?

Its feathers are also of a lighter shade of grey. So what?

Its face looks like an innocent doll, smiling at times, playful at times. So what?

Here's so what. It has the sweetest temperament ever, that shook the image of AGs being really fierce in my mind. You stick your finger in front of it, it doesn't bite. Its just about to start on solid food in a week's time, but it already knows the command "UP" and "DOWN".

It's really friendly to everybody there. And its sooooooo sweet! So young that it can't even balance properly on my arm. Such a sweet baby. It already knows how to mimic a few words. Aww!

I could have it if I wanted, mind you. But I've already made up my mind for a mini maltese that costs a bomb. If I want a mini maltese I can't get an AG first. I Have to get that mini maltese first.

AGs are really dominating birds. It only accustoms itself to different surroundings and people when it is young. If the mini maltese is already here when it arrive, then we can all live in peace. But if the mini maltese comes AFTER it's over the accustomary period, then all hell will break loose in my house.

What should I do? One must consider everything when getting another pet. In this case, the time and money factor is against me. I could scrape up enough to get that AG, but I wouldn't have enough left for my own.

AH-HA! I finally found out why there were chinese characters in my posts! Usually I just type my posts into Microsoft Words before cutting and pasting them here, so the "" and the .... are of different formats. Will try to edit all my other posts, just give me some time.

Warning: PMS mode - ON!

When I first entered MOP today, my first impression was... woah. So many war threads and flaming posts in the portal alone. There are a lot more in the other threads that I have yet to dig up.

And again, this shooting never ends.

*post edited and war deleted because I myself find it boring. Anyway, I did put the point across to a lot of people, didn't I?*

Quarrelled with baby again today. That's it. We're over.

He who accuses me of flirting around with other guys. He who thinks that every single guy other than him has a motive. He who does not believe in true platonic friendship is because he always fell in love with his supposedly "purely platonic" friends.

*parts edited and removed because author is being accused of distorting said guy's words, posting some and not posting some."

I'm sick of his shit. I'm sick of always having a person super glued to me wherever I go. I'm sick of him stalking me whenever we quarrel or when I want to be alone. I'm sick of being accused every time I missed his call or ignore him. I'm sick of him always controlling me like I'm a six-year-old.

I'm sick of the way he thinks that buying me gifts will automatically redeem himself for whatever shit he's done. I'm sick of the way he tries to justify himself by moving the focus somewhere else. I'm sick of him always thinking that everything is a small matter and that I shouldn't get so worked up over a small matter. If there weren't a million small matters happening almost everyday, do you think I would blow up?

"u wan den be fair" "dont share only one sided story" these were back to back. I did not distort your messages. So I should write of your plight here? In MY blog? You're kidding. You want to control even MY blog? Right.

*updated* I am sick of him always saying things that he knows will make me angry on purpose just to catch my attention, to make me reply, and then giving me crap talk wanting me to cool down. After which, wanting to clarify and justify matters to which I already said that I don't want to clarify.

I just want a break up. I have always been wanting a break up. Is that so hard to get?

Fucked up relationship. We aren't even compatible in terms of personality and character. I wonder why he keeps holding on. Don't ask me, I've been trying to get out since a long time ago.

* post edited, war removed*

Got this in wholivesnearyou. I put this quote everywhere I go:

"I ain't perfect, neither are you."

and I got this feedback:

"yea u aint perfect.. but perfect enuff for me =) "

Thank you Damien!

Other than this, I get lots of funny people asking to be friends as well.

Take fedupz for instance. He's looking for someone to "have fun", to "ride on his bike". Hmz...

And keshav, "u are hot". I KNOW that I'm hot, so I don't need you to tell me this.

Benny, "hihi.. can make frd?? btw, u look cute.. : )". Do I need you to tell me?

ZEP, "a beautiful gal and a fast bike. best combi!!!haha". I KNOW. Gawd, I know.

Lemons, "i was thinking if you have the sizes of 34,23,34." Why, thanks, but no thanks for getting them all wrong.

Wayne, "hi im wayne mind making frends". Yes I mind. I mind making friends with a big sissy who ties up his hair in funny funny places.


There are the nice people too, who introduces themselves before asking if you want to be their friends. People like reallyme (curious nick).

And Yaorong, living in the same block for years without ever knowing! *chops up Yaorong's manhood*

How about Aris, who spouted advice through Mykie before we were ever in contact? Oh but thanks Aris, I really do needed and appreciated those advices you gave.

Oh, and yay. I get people wanting to be "friends" with me just soon after I uploaded pictures of me being the Zen girl onto my friendster. How shallow.

Good-bye, Ben.

We started out sharing our past memories that still haunts us today. You told me about your past, and I told you about mine.

We had fun in MOP, posting in the UFC. You were our "boss", and we, your secretary and treasurer.

We exchanged msn and friendster emails, and had long conversations late into the night.

You helped enlighten me about certain points in my relationship. And I tried to share your sadness with you too.

I still keep our conversations.

"Did my heart love till now?
For I swear in sight
for I ne'er saw till beauty till this night"

All gone now.

You have taken sides.

Is it a negative point, that I did not go around getting people to take sides? That I let people see for themselves instead of letting friendship blinding them?

Because of him, I have lost a friend. Because of him, you now regard me as your enemy. I have not done anything wrong to you, and yet you hate me now as your worst foe.

Must things turn out like that? That you should lose your own personality and take sides for another, losing a friend?

I know that I may not mean much to you as a friend, but you mean a lot to me.

I did nothing wrong to you.

And yet I am sorry to have lost you.

Good-bye, Ben.

Woah! Seems like D is the main character of almost every single one of my recent posts! It's getting boring. I've proven my point, haven't I?

Hey, isn't this MY blog?

I lost my 7610 at the PC show! *sadz* Am now using a Sony Ericsson T630. It's really un-user friendly, the messaging system sucks. I used to love sending messages out of the blue, but now I hate to even reply important messages.

Tomorrow is my accounts paper. Who cares?

Seems like baby cares more than me. He's forcing me to study, frowns at me when I'm using the computer and accuses me of flirting around with people online.

Come on, can't I have friends? It's as if I'm not supposed to have friends ever since he started going out with me.

Enough about him. Eurgh!

Well. I'm currently going through the post PC show binge! FOOD! Yeeaaa! Waiting for my Fish & Co, Moonfish, Outback, ANGUS HOUSE! Pizza, pasta, titbits.. WAH!

Don't be surprised if you see a rounder Jasmine the next time you see me!

Hmz.. I'm gonna get myself a mini maltese somewhere in July. Stay tuned dudes/dudettes, I'll posts pictures of the little cutie when I get her!

Okay, I'm getting a little over-enthusiastic here.

Will be heading to the bird shop at 931 later on, and to my god mother's house after that for dinner. Sorry, no dinner dates tonight.

HOT! The weather, I meant. And yea, me too.

Changed the skin (again) because the previous one had something wrong with it.

Firstly, it contained funny funny characters when I type any of the signs.

Secondly, I got feedback from this guy who lives downstairs:

"kaoz.. viewing ur blog in the public is such an EMBARASSING thing to do.. even at home.. my mother was asking me the other time "Why got 2 girls kissing each other?""

I'm so sorry Yaorong! Ngiaks

Urgh! I have been so itching to blog for almost 5 days! I'm gonna enjoy every moment of typing this post.

Had been at the PC show since Thursday, and today is the first day I get to sleep at home~ don't get me wrong, I love being in that show. Its just the travelling I don't like.

As promised, here are photos of a red-faced me at eski bar.

Before...





After!





Can't even keep my eyes open.

Here are some pictures I took at YuQi's birthday..



Murdering the cake



Yay!



Flooding! Flooding! Flooding with pictures from the PC show (mostly just us walking around or showing off)!

Pictures taken with other people..

Bernard



Kelvin Luo



Mummy dearest



Huiyi



Stupid Mark standing far away



Noel, Jasmine (Tan) and Jasmine (Chia)



Some exclusive footage of what's inside the store room!

The really sleepy girls (there were more, but I wasn't fast enough with my camera)







These heels really kill. So off they go!



All hail King Noel (a.k.a papasan)! And his makeshift throne!



Noel and John



Michael having lunch. I think I'm the only one with his picture, he just so camera shy.



The shy girls, Chelsea and Enshan



The works







FYI I'm on the left distributing flyers.



And the payoff! Aren't we just beautiful?









From left to right: (top) Jasmine, Ivy, miss blur smiley face, Esmerella, Pauline, LiJun, Chelsea, Ivy Wong, (bottom) Enshan, Fangmin, Shelia , and ME~!

Notice that there's a little miss blur smiley face in a lot of picture. She's such a bitch that I don’t want her endorsing my blog. I don't want to go in to little lians' grudges that hold for years, but I know enough to deduce that she's the type who, if you are of no more use to her, she won’t even smile at you.

She was in the same class as my sister. She's the type who sucks up (literally) to teachers and believes herself to be a godamn diva. Like she's of superiority class and you need a permit to see her smile. I for one did not have any grudges with her at first, but after she got all fierce with me and gave my sister a highly disdainful look, I started disliking her. Like, what's her problem? Its not as if she and my sister had an argument or anything, or maybe she’s just guilty of doing lots of funny shit back in secondary school days?

Plus, it WAS her job to smile. Or does she think that her superiority allows her to give customers highly disdainful looks?

Crazy girl.

*post edited, war removed*

A big, big, BIG sorry to eggstabb! I shouldn't have dragged you in on our argument. I'm so sorry~ *drools*

Wootz! I am ditzy!

Gawd, I don't even know the meaning of that word.

Went to a place called Eski bar yesterday with Leeling jiejie. It was wayyy cool! Literally. You could actually see the hot air fogging up the moment you expel your breath. The temperature was somewhere below 10 degree Celsius.

Try to go if you can. It's at boat quay, the row of pubs situated behind the row of seafood restaurants beside McDonald's. Its really easy to recognize, not only because of the signboard, but that the glass is completely fogged up on the outside. The concept is relatively new, and the service is excellent. I’d like to go back soon if I had the chance.

Pics will be up soon (er or later).

Two jugs of vodka cranberry and a Heineken later, Jenn arrived. Leeling jiejie was almost the target of a few ang mohs, really fat and hairy ones, drinking at the bar.

Shaun and his friend, Joshua, arrived near closing time and whisked us off to MS to look for a place to chill. I wanted to go to cheeky's but they opted for MW instead. Lucky this was on a weeknight, when they aren't so strict on checking for under 21s or I'll be dragging everyone else down again.

Dancing in a room full of slightly bengy and lian-y (read: slutty) people to techno has intensified my loathing for techno clubbing. If I didn't like it in the past, I sure hated it now. Don't ask why, it just is.

From now on, it's all hip hop, R&B for clubbing.


Had a really hard time waking up this morning for school. My head was spinning and aching like mad. I don't think it was because of the alcohol, I think it's more to the fact that I had less than two hours of sleep last night.

I had two more hours of sleep after school before I reluctantly got up and left the house. I needed new contact lenses (I couldn't go to the show wearing spectacles now, could I?), an eyebrow plucking session and hair removal cream (don’t ask).

After a session of excruciating pain (the eyebrow plucker was horrible), I headed off to have dinner at Leeling jiejie’s house.

After dinner we went to our grandma's house to visit her. Grandma had a fall, and had her knee in bandages. I felt a little prick in my heart when I saw those bandages. That little prick quickly became a full fledged heartache when she slowly and agonizingly made her way to the bathroom. She couldn't walk properly, and had to hold on to a chair for support.

My poor little grandma. She's one of the cutest grandmama I've ever seen. It really pains my heart to see her in pain.

The visit to her house had also deepened my dislike for that little monster whom I would dearly love to deny is my cousin. Remember the little monster with the yellow feelers from my previous posts?

He's 7 this year. I know most 7 year old boys are active and naughty, but this monster is different. He has completely no respect for anyone AT ALL, flying into rage at the slightest thing. He hits his parents and worse, MY grandparents when he's not happy. If ever anyone should, heaven forbid, scold him or reprimand him, he flies off into another fury, kicking and yelling. No wonder everyone is itching to slap him.

I blame his parents. They dote on him too much, letting him get off with anything, even hitting MY grandparents, their parents. His dad especially. Stupid prick.

I AM SO HUNGRY! But I can't eat anything fatty just yet, with the oncoming show. Argh! I miss chicken wings.. and pasta.. pizza.. steaks.. tidbits... argh!

Yes! Yet another day of bloggers' block again (the bloggoer's version of writers's block).

Can't seem to think of anything to blog about. Hmz..

Got attacked by a stupid crow the other day. It probably saw something shiny (i.e The mirror on the back of my phone) and, in a moment of folly, did not see me.

In the middle of swooping down to grab that shiny thing, it suddenly realized that the shiny thing was actually attached to a head (I was on the phone at that time), tried to change it's direction but it was already too late, and so used my head as a landing pad and then flew off again.

Whatever the reasons, it was still stupid.

But that wasn't as stupid as the people working here at the GV Yishun 10. I got my IC checked, TWICE, for some shows that require age limit. Not too bad? Think again.

It probably wouldn't be so bad if they checked me for an M18 show. But the blardy idiots checked me for a stupid NC16 show! Once was enough to get me irritated enough, but I got checked TWICE on different occasions, by different people! ARGH!

I'm totally addicted to the doll maker! Look, who's this?



Ain't she pretty? It's my Leeling jiejie! Eh, I never said it was exactly alike. Just a passing resemblance.

Just a digression. I love my animals. Actually, all animals in particular.

And HEY! A shoutout to Aris, friend of dear Mykie. Although I do not know who you are, and although we're separated by a few countries, I'd like to thank you for your message. It really brightened up my day.

I love you Singapore! I love you for having yearly sales that last for two months!

I went on a shopping spree today. Haven't felt so good doing shopping in such a long time! I believe this is the first time I'm shopping for clothes ever since Chinese new year.

Spent $100 today, all on clothes! Whew! And I would just like to say sorry to my paycheck in July for using $100 in advance. Thanks to baby for providing the money, but I’m returning the money once I get my paycheck although he doesn't want me to pay him back.

Stuff I bought! Did I get them cheap or what?



This is a nice and sophisticated-looking top that accentuates curves on my waist. Check out the dumb paper bag it came in. Price: $24.



This is the most expensive thing I got today, at $33.90. but I think it's worth it, because it hugs my ass and only shows where I want to be shown.



BARGAIN BUY. This gotten for 29.95 at Shibuya! Isn't it great? There was this other black dress of a different design there that I wanted, but I decided get just this one instead.



BARGAIN BUY. Gotten for an amazing $2 at Ang Mo Kio yesterday. It's tight fitting and body hugging. Need I say more?



Lovlies at $2.90 each. There were more where it came from, but I decided to get just these. There were a few costumes for bedroom play too, but.. not yet. *grins*

Anyway, went to this doll-maker website http://elouai.com/doll-makers/candybar-doll-maker.php and made these



Made by me. Doesn't it looks like me? What do you think? If you're really free online then go make one of yourself or your friends. Sorry, girl dolls available only. Make one for me when you’re free.

And, since I am still so damn free, I’ll show you something.



What does this look like to you? Looks like a road sign to me.

It's a school logo, by the way.

This is for all my lady friends and especially Fie.



Today, boys and girls, we do some studies on the male species of the human race.

Why don't guys think that guys are jerks? Why is it always the girls who think that guys are jerks? Well, there's a simple logic behind that.

Study case #1

Why don't guys think that guys are jerks?

Guys, when they are with their guy friends, behave in a totally idiotic monkey way to show how 'manly' he is. But when they're with their girlfriends they behave just like themselves.

With guy friends, guys put up a front and act as though they're retarded, just like everybody else. And everybody else acts the same, so that it’s become some sort of a social protocol.

This particular form of this species influence each other a lot. So their ego is inflated just by being with each other. When one tells of his exploits with his girlfriend or without, the others automatically does it to their girlfriends (or someone else other than their girlfriends).

Thus, they are blinded by their own actions, unable to see themselves for what they really are: jerks.

They think that there's nothing wrong with it as everyone else is doing it, so they go into it even deeper, thus making it difficult to see that all guys ARE actually jerks.

Study case #2

Why do girls think guys are jerks?

Because guys usually show their true self when they're with their girlfriends. They go all egoistic, and think that they're once in a lifetime hunks that happened to fall from the sky.

Or, they treat their girlfriends as 'venting' machines, literally. When they're in a bad mood, they take it out on their girlfriends. When they quarrel with someone, they want their girlfriends to side with them even though they were obviously in the wrong.

Guys can be so childish at times, no matter what the age. As their girlfriends, girls can only smile and comfort him like a child or there’ll be an imminent bicker again.

Girls see guys as they really are: sex starved gorillas. All they want is sex, sex, and more sex. Guys think with their pricks, and it is only the girls who can see this.

And as girls, girls see so much more of guys than guys actually know. And from experience, girls usually deduce: guys are jerks.

Study case #3

Although guys think girls are horrible wenches with PMS 24/7, and girls think that all guys are jerks/bastards, neither can live without the other.

Study closed.



p/s: The studies concluded above does not eradicate the fact that some girls ARE scary witches with PMS 24/7. It just facts from a girl’s point of view.

Plus, it was generalized. Some guys I know (as friends) are actually nice monkeys once out of the company of their guy friends. I know that there must be more of this type of guys running around, but did not have the pleasure of meeting them.

Thirdly, it was not based on a particular person(s) I know. It was a mixture of people and real life account from female friends.

I apologize if it sounded like you, although if it did, you probably deserved it. And to those who got offended (guys), don’t take it too seriously.

In short, the war between girls and guys will NEVER be over. Trust me on this one.

Pressurizing is good for you. Or so my mother thinks.

I’m back with baby again. Is that a mistake? He seemed so sincere in all his apologies and promises. And he really did change a lot for me. I can really feel the love whenever I’m with him.

But is it still a mistake? Because whenever I try to leave him he’ll do lots of stupid things and maybe even hurt himself. Or me.

My family members including godmother and grandmother knows about this.

If ah Yang korkor was here… he’d beat the shit out of baby

A lot of my friends say that he’s the most dangerous type of boyfriend. And everyone says that once he hits you, he’ll always hit you

Mom’s not happy about this. She’s pressurizing me into breaking up with baby.

I only want her to be happy. The reason that I’m still living is her. I did try to commit suicide before but thoughts of her crying at my coffin surfaced in my mind, and I put the knife down. Is it a mistake too, putting down that knife that time?

I only want to see you happy. But why is it that every time I try to do something to please you, you are never satisfied? Why is it that although I think for you every single time, worry for you, do everything for you, you are never satisfied? Why is it that you have to use such harsh words when I do something wrong although you know that they hurt me more than anything in the world? Why is it that I can’t live my own life and be happy?

I do try to keep up the good daughter image in your eyes. But you always tell others that you have monsters in your house. You speak as if I’m that kind of selfish girl who only thinks of herself, and spends your money without thought.

I have gone for days without meals just to avoid taking money from you because I know that you have bills to pay. I have been worried about money all this time, that’s why I continued working even though I was crying because of stress everyday. And when I finally did resign, I didn’t expect you to tell me that it was lucky that I wasn’t raising a family on my own, or I couldn’t quit so easily.

I just want so much for you to be happy.

I know you worry for me, and want to protect me from everything you deem harmful. But if you don’t let me try it on my own, how will I learn to stay away from it? Even if I did get hurt, at least I’ll learn a meaningful lesson. And, I am not a child anymore. I know how hideous the world is. I know how to stay out of trouble.

The world is meaningless when you are not happy. My relationship doesn’t mean much to me, I was pressurized into it. Now I’m pressurized into staying in it even though I do not want to. It will end sooner or later.

I know that I’m stupid too. I can’t get past this hurdle in education. But I really do try, although sometimes mom doesn’t see it.

I know dying isn’t a solution and I know it’s not going to solve anything. But I know one thing for sure: all this hurt and pain and voices in my head will stop.

It will all stop.

It doesn’t matter to me if I die, because life is meaningless to me. I’m only still here because I don’t want to hurt those who love me. I don’t want to see them cry at my coffin.

Please, please stop pressurizing me.. the voices in my head are already telling me to pick up that knife.. to pick up that knife…

Time to wipe those tears and put on a big smiley face for the world again.

Fight! Fight! haha

Sunny (and noisy) Thurday afternoon and I'm stuck at home. Sigh. Next week today I'll be the girl of your dreams in the IT show.

WooHoO~! So start sucking up to me now.

For the benefit of Leeling jiejie (Hi~), this is my new pet



Mazda.

No, she is not a rat. She's a chinchilla.

This darn stupid uncle came to my mom's coffeeshop the other day and sold Mazda to her for $40. He said that he'd bought her on the pretext of wanting her to mate with his male chinchilla, but they wound up fighting.

He kept her for a year because she was so cute. And now he's selling off all his other "hobbies" too.

All I could say was he's an ass. Doesn't he know that you can't expect them to mate by simply throwing her in his other chin's cage? They need to get to know each other and get accustomed to each other's smell.

Mazda now has this habit of keeping to herself. She's not curious at all, like all other chins are. She also refuses to eat pellets, leading me to suspect her previous owner of feeding her with only hay.

What an ass.


Isn't it strange how sometimes you have a lot to say and blog but when you actually sit down in front of a computer everything just eludes you? It's kinda irritating.

*post edited, war removed*

Have decided to completely stop on my novel. I've developed some sort of writer's block over that particular story.

Will post snippets of it here when I am free.

Thanks to peeps who worried for me and showed their concern. Leeling jiejie, Jennifer, Shirong, Uncle Ronald, Yuffie and Preacher, thanks. I truly appreciate you guys.

A word of advice to all would-be bloggers: do your blogging on that actual day that a topic you’ll be posting happens. Don’t procrastinate.

I had three topics that I wanted to post, but was too lazy and thought of leaving it till another day. Now I don’t have the will to write all three.

Yesterday, while shopping for fish around 900+ with baby, I found this incredibly inconspicuous shop that would soon be my second favorite place in Yishun.

A parrot shop smack in the middle of a few other normal shops. Without a signboard.

Cockatoos, AGs, conures, rumps, macaws, ringnecks, a few songbirds, lovebirds, cockatiel babies weaned and unweaned, budgies, a few other birds and a lovely, lovely rosella. Sweet rosella.

I’m in love with that rosella.

It is such a sweet thing, with its colorful feathers and shy demeanor, it captured my heart. Sweet baby rosella.

Anyone out there who owes me a favor? Here’s your chance to redeem yourself. Hint: I’m in love with that rosella.

Anyway, the shop owner is quite a nice guy, and he seems really sincere with his birds. All his birds are tame and hand-fed, and he really knows his stuff. Unlike some bird shop-keepers I see out there who doesn’t know jack shit about catering to their bird’s wellbeing. All they knew was to feed it, clean it’s cage, give it water, that’s all.

He explains his stuff in detail, about the different breeds of birds. All his birds are so tame that keen customers are able to take them out of their cage to play with them. Most of them already know the standard “Up” signal.

People! Visit that shop sometime when you’re free. It’s located at the block beside the huge fish shop which is beside the housing board office. Block 931. If you’re not from Yishun, ask me and I’ll show you the way.

After a few minutes of sheer happiness from being near those birds, we left for the basketball court at 346. A few irritating girls were there, but I didn’t bother much about them since I didn’t know them.

There was this “vertically inclined” (I call it fat) girl playing there too. I actually had no grudges against this vertically inclined airbag but she said something that made me wish I could prick her with a needle and watch her fly all over the place.

When I went there after lights out with my dog Tracy and lovebird Mika, she squealed and then refused to admit that she was scared of dogs when someone else teased her about it. She went “No lah, it’s just that one shouldn’t bring a dog to the basketball court lor!” very loudly and then immediately shut up because she saw me staring at her. Bitch.

Firstly, don’t fuck around and come to MY territory, and say anything that refers indirectly to me. Because I don’t want to have anything to do with an airbag. Secondly, if you can’t play basketball well, don’t come to MY court and pretend that you’re some critic watching me play. Don’t speak too loudly, particularly no squealing when someone rejects your ball, if you can’t win me. Thirdly, don’t act cute with Charlton and the guys, because you are not.

Stupid airbag.

Back to today.

I went for an interview at Jurong with Corina, the human resource personnel at creative, for the position of an exhibition girl. I GOT THE JOB!! WoohoO~

She was quite nice, and asked me to change into the outfit we’re supposed to be wearing during the IT show. An ultra tight top with a miniskirt. I changed, and when I stepped out of the cubicle she looked me over from top to toe and said “You got the job.”

It was such a morale booster! I could’ve kissed her right there and then.

Imagine. I get the job. In 3 days I make more that what I made in half a month as a waitress. The IT show runs for 4 days. Guess what that means?

I’m not sure what that means either, it’s either the rosella, or a top up of my accounts at BBDC. Oh sure, I’ll be giving half to my mom, but the other half is enough to keep me happy for awhile.

Today was a sweet day.

Such a sweet day.

I wonder if everyday could be as sweet?

Frickin' pissed by someone who thinks the world owes him. He thinks he blardy owns the forum!

Fuckin ass.

I tried to steer clear out of his way but no, he HAD to find a way to shoot at me. Actually, he's just someone who loves to take a potshot at everybody in general except the forum admin. Ass-licking? I think so.

I made a post regarding the slapping incident yesterday, and he just absolutely HAD to come in and judge everyone. No wonder I see so many members using the same line "Don't be too quick to judge if you don't know anything" at him.

He saw one incident, and he judged that both of us are in the wrong. Is he using my post to shoot at his wife? I don't know. From what he said, it was totally uncalled for that I am complaining that my boyfriend is too possessive. That if he controls too much, he is possessive, but if he doesn't control at all, he is not caring.

Haven't you heard of something called moderation, you idiot? It isn't exactly hard to go in between possessivness and totally uncaring. If you are not able to maintain that kind of balance in between, you shouldn't even get married in the first place!

Or are you judging me based on what your own wife says? Newsflash: I Am Not Her. Period. Do I have to explain every simple little thing to you? If I do, then I don't think you have that ability to judge everyone and anyone you see.

If I don't want to disclose the entire story behind that incident out in the open, that is my problem. I have no responsibility whatsoever to tell you the entire series of incidents that lead to it. Therefore, do not be quick to judge BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME!

"dowan to say then dun bother to post la"

Meaning to say I have no rights to post whatever is on my mind? I have no rights to choose what to disclose and what to keep to myself? If I don't post, and everybody else doesn't post, then will this be called a forum?

"post liao cannot take the fact that u r as guilty of physical abuse......sigh, u mean this judging?"

Yes, sad to say, this IS considered judging of character. So to speak, I am guilty of physically abusing him ONCE and he of physically abusing me god knows how many times, is that justified?

A man kills an ant, another man kills a human. Do they both carry the same guilt?

"dun post if you do not expect comment and if u only EXPECT supportive posts, kindly STATE IT in your post."

Yes I was expecting comments, perhaps even advice, but I wasn't expecting shooting, flaming and being judged by someone who knows nothing that is happening.

Bloody irritating if you know what I mean.

This just in.

Had an argument with baby today. I have totally realised that we are completely not fit for each other. I mean, we have so much difference between us, we could never be truly happy with each other..

Oh well, we could be happy for awhile, but sooner or later our differences are going to catch up on us.

A digression, if I might be allowed one.

I am going to resist all temptations of complaining about him here because it's not gonna help clear my mind. I need a clear mind to make me steer clear of him because if my mind is full of hatred, I will go back to him once the hatred clears.

I don't want that to happen again.

I need this hatred to go away.

Now, where were we?

Ah, our differences. We have so much differences between us. Our thinking, our upbringing, our way of life. He doesn't get what I mean most of the time, and only adheres to me only because he knows that if he doesn't, I'll be angry.

My family dislikes the way he butts in on every conversation, and the way he controls me. I hate the way he wants to know every single thing in detail, that I have to explain every single little thing to him in detail until he clearly understands it. Even if it was something others consider a norm, he won't know about it until I explain. It sounds funny to you, but it's really tiring for me.

I have always said that guys who hit girls are unchivalrous bastards. I had thought that he was a chivalrous guy, but I thought wrong. He was one of them who thinks nothing of slapping a girl.

I admit it was partly my fault, that I shouldn't have flared up for such a small thing but he should not, under any circumstances AT ALL, slap me back. Now I know for sure that this relationship is over.

Mom says that a guy who hits his girl once, will do it again. I believe her, because this is not the first time I've been hurt by him. I promised myself a long time ago that any guy who even dares to lay a finger on me will not get a second chance at all, period.

But I gave him that chance.

Now I see that was a mistake.

Isn't it wierd how that something that happened in a split second could comepletely turn the tables? One minute we were in a heated argument and the next, he's crying and begging for my forgiveness. One moment I was just angry at him and the next, sheer numbness.

It was as if a gun went off in my head. BAM!

It's also wierd how that a single thing could spark off so many things as well. For one, it sparked off the alarm in my head. Mom got really angry and was really considering bashing him up. My sister was also angry and gathered up the courage to forbid him to come inside the house. If my dad knows about this... I shudder to think.

Perhaps I'll find someone truly right for me some time. Perhaps not. I always fall in love easily.

Far too easily.

death isn't fun, but i'm tired of living

I am a totally worthless piece of ass, a slab of walking meat that's rotting away.

I deserve nothing.

Hell, I don't even want to resolve anything anymore. I don't want to strive anymore. I'm so tired.

Let me die.